A father reborn


Waking up in tears, is a normal day,
Since I was informed, you had passed away,
I know you’d be angry, for me falling apart,
I try to be strong, but guilt crushed my heart,

I keep beating myself , for being away all the time,
When your clock in your body, had started to chime,
A countdown had begun, and you wasn't aware,
While I was out socialising, and didn't seem to care.

We barely spoke , when we were at home,
I didn't show you respect, by leaving you alone,
I was side tracked, by the lover in my life,
I should’ve saved our marriage, and cared for my wife.

I failed to even ask, how you were each day,
As I picked up my briefcase, and left on my way.
I failed as father, missed our children growing up,
Always in the distance, when I should’ve been close up.

I forgot each birthday, and anniversary as well,
I made your last months, difficult as hell,
I'm so sorry my love, I want you here next to me,
I was blinded by her lust ,when I needed to see,

I wasn't even beside you, as you took your last breath,
I was beside my lover, as I heard of your death,
I can't turn back time, and change what I’ve done,
But I promise you always, I'll be a father to our sons.

I have quit my job, and severed all ties,
To the place where I worked, and my life full of lies,
I didn't know how, to be a family man,
But I aim to be, the best father I can,

It's been challenging, upsetting and wonderful to see,
As a single father family, who are as close as can be,
You can rest in peace my love, as your memories live on.
As I see your spirit, in each of our sons.

An ill man’s guilt


I’m perfectly fine, I keep telling myself,
I’m loaded up to my eyeballs, swimming in my wealth.
I've got a best friend who's with me all the time,
His favourite drink is lager and lime.

Yes officer my name is Dave, my address?
It's number 1234 The Cave.
What am I wearing officer? What a strange thing to ask.
I'm wearing a penguin suit and an eye glass?

What's that Steve? I won’t mention that...
They will think I am loopy or some kind of prat!
Yes officer, No I am fine, why do you ask?
I want to complain and put you to task!

Don't raise my Voice?? What do you mean?
Tell him Steve, to stop being so mean!
Get off me, what's going on?
Help me someone my mind has just gone!

Yes officer, there is medication I take,
It's at 1234 down by the lake.
Hello there doctor, I have a sore throat,
Steve help the Doctor out, don't just stand there and gloat!

A drink doctor? I'd love one, a saccharin as well?
Impressive what's in it?? Go on. Do tell...
I’m tired Steve let me go to bed!
I've not slept for months, let me rest my weary head.

OK doctor do what you like,
But be careful doctor, those syringes do spike.................
Apologies doctor for the other day,
My mind just wouldn't come out to play!

Who's Steve Doctor?? Ask him yourself! He’s just there,
The one with a jumper and ginger hair,
No Doctor Steve isn't dead,
He went for a long sleep in his double sized bed.....

Steve was my brother Doctor, can you not see?
He died in the summer of August...1973
I should have been there Doctor, when Steve passed that night,
But I was too busy injecting, I was high as a kite!


Before the Guilt


Steve? Listen to me,
When mom goes out, it’s just you and me,
We are going to play a game called hide and seek.
You be quiet when you hide, and do not speak!

Do we have an understanding? Or do I draw you a picture?
Or use those cards, that you are familiar?
That's it boy, keep it to yourself,
I've got to locate my 'medicine', off the top of the shelf.

Right then she's gone, you go and hide like I said,
Don't be so obvious and lie under the bed,

Stupid boy... he's sixteen years old going on three,
I'm rattling badly, I need the karma in me,
Switch on the music, get out my ****,
My usual is coming round, so I can plant my seed,

Steve? I can't find you...I'm a sarcastic ****!
He's probably fell asleep. With any luck,

Need to open the windows, this gear is filling the room,
The ****** is bubbling nicely, on this battered old spoon,
My hands shaking, I need to hurry this up,
The needle is drawing nicely, the syringe is full up,

Time to meet karma, widen my eyes,
Needle in my legs, it's easier to hide
The rush in my blood, filling me with calm,
I'll light up my joint, it won't do any harm.

Feeling drowsy, this **** is so strong,
I'm out of my face, but my feelings are wrong?
The pain, pounding in my chest,
I'm sweating profusely, right through my vest,

Can't move, falling asleep in the breeze......
Steve???.....Steve??....STEEEEVEE???!!.....

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? You *******!!!
Your brother hung himself......while you were plastered!
I'll never forgive you for what you have done...
I can't even look at you...You are no longer my son!

Broken window,
Damaged door,
Tempers rising,
Personal war,

Clenched fists,
Raised heart,
Eyes bulging,
A man apart,

Words fail,
Closed ears,
Red mist,
Own fears,

Locked door,
Black eye,
Help me,
She cries,

Angry man,
Local law,
He resists,
Once more,

Overnight,
Changed heart,
Apologetic,
New start,

Spilt glass,
Angry man,
Beaten wife,
Changed plan,

Courage found,
To walk away,
And escape,
His drunken ways,

New life,
No fear,
Only joy,
Draws tears,

Broken window,
Damaged door,
Tempers rising,
Personal war,

Clenched fists,
Raised heart,
Eyes bulging,
A man apart,

Words fail,
Closed ears,
Red mist,
Own fears,

Locked door,
Black eye,
Help me,
She cries,

Angry man,
Local law,
He resists,
Once more,

Overnight,
Changed heart,
Apologetic,
New start,

Spilt glass,
Angry man,
Beaten wife,
Changed plans,

Courage found,
To walk away,
And escape,
His drunken ways,

New life,
No fear,
Only joy,
Draws tears,

Here stands a man
A shadow of himself
Burdened by guilt
And failing health

Yet on the outside
You would fail to see
The trauma and pain
That resides within me

My apparent smile
Is perceived as joy
A simple disguise
I like to employ

My social disdain
Is seen in reflection
Yet...I masquerade
To avoid your attention

But as time passes by
The cracks, they appear
Leaking my soul
Through a solitary tear

Keeping a distance
Is the only way
To stop the trauma
Releasing today

Returning from Devon, along the M5,
No camera in hand, as I drove on by,
Crafted from the earth, it stood alone,
Like it was sculpted, out of natural stone,


Contorted but stunning, painted in black,
Missing the splendour, of the leaves that it lacked,
The majestic sun, beamed through each branch,
As I passed by, twisted shadows danced,


Out of view so quickly, yet stuck in my mind,
This distorted wonder, that I once left behind.

We will succeed in stripping you apart,
Exposing your chest and crushing your heart,
Exposing your mind to collective lies,
Twisting your thoughts to their murderous cries,

Forcing your stance on their pedestal high,
Cutting your wings as you fall from the sky,

They left him cold; he succumbed with distress,
Anxiety forced upon weakened chest,
All the black and white pictures the media pressed,
Were tainted with lies a corporate mess,

They dragged his carcass through the public mire,
Flaming their cause and they set him on fire,
They watched him burn his former self,
Leaving his spirit crushed, by failing health,

He then slipped away

In to the troubled path of cyclic noise,
History bleeds within the brain it destroys

Etched in his mind,
The internal war,
Haemorrhaging blood,
Hidden once more,

Slowly he’s dying,
His body too weak,
Paralysed lips,
Unable to speak,

Traumatic life,
Slipping away,
His heavy soul,
Aching today.

He witnessed it all,
The burden unseen,
Screaming their names,
Tortured in dream,

His cries settle,
His memory fades,
Wiping the tears,
For former comrades.

(Repeat)

Creeping up, a silent foe,
Breaking him down, nice and slow,
Crushing all his hopes and dreams,
Bravery fading, silent screams,

Fighting on, war and peace,
Just to get, a partial release,
A little confidence, suddenly lost,
One step forwards, the ultimate cost,

Walls built, a safe distance,
Hiding the world, from his existence,
A man in a cave, keeping away,
Building the courage, to battle today,

Invisible injury, a runaway train,
Mental illness, significant pain,
Weakness, it's how it's percieved,
Colleagues find...It hard to believe,

Lack of remorse, absent support,
Pushes him, to obvious thoughts,
Attenion seeking, he was no more,
Discovered today, by local law,

Tears shed, guilt ridden hearts,
Talking history, picking him apart,
Realisation, lack of due care,
Former colleague...

Empty chair

  ----

Trying to find the words to explain the poem. The message is there. Think about your actions to those you see every day. The ones that annoy you, for their quirky behaviour. There is an untold story behind each of us. Some suffer in silence, some try to seek help. Compassion and understanding is within us all. The unseen illness is a killer.

Always fighting,
From the inside,
Breaking the walls,
Of his former pride,

The scattered remains,
Washed by the rain,
Fading all hope,
Of easing his pain,

Searching the puddles,
Through autummal leaves,
Scratching the floor,
For broken beliefs,

Brushing the grain,
From trembling hand,
Mixed with dirt,
And goldless sand,

He crawls away..

Leaving his dignity,
And all that he gained,
In the gutterless hole,
For a moment of fame.

My husband sits for days on end,
Staring through his empty friend,
My tearful words fall alone,
His mind resides in combat zone,

A man replaced by shell so cold,
Numbed by scars of war untold,
Violent dreams lived each night,
Lashing out, at all in sight,

He returns to war inside his head,
Trauma stained by all bloodshed,
A trigger pulled, his mind released,
Begging for, all thoughts to cease,

His scars remain, but can't be seen,
Buried deep inside his dreams,
Years of therapy, will help him free,
From the damaging effects..
.. of Post Traumatic Stress

I pray for the day, he's finally home,
So the trauma of war, can leave us alone.

You can only question,
The methods above,
When they take the soul,
Of someone you love,

When criminal's live,
To repeat each breath,
Spreading all fear,
Avoiding death,

We mourn the past,
Robbed of our time,
A happy future,
Tortured by crime,

We pray in vain,
To bring them back,
Your silent response,
The comfort you lack,

Grief eats me alive,
As anger resides,
Vengeance is real,
Life for a life,

No remorse,
For my actions taken,
A son of no cross,
Forever forsaken.

The world is such a tormented place,
Haunted by the insecurities of every race.
Obsessed with greed and absolute power,
The dictators rained on the weak,
With a gun filled shower.

Brave men were enlisted to bring peace to the land,
To help the weak be strong and to make a stand,
Women and children were left abandoned, alone,
While their men were out fighting protecting our home.

Families shattered by one single blast,
Congregating together in one single mass.
Weeping beside a freshly dug grave,
Lay a widow wishing that he had not been so brave.

We will remember him always for his courage and valour,
By honouring his name in silence upon the eleventh hour.
Rest in peace my friend we are forever in your debt,
We will pray for you all.... lest we forget.

Drifting in and out of consciousness,
As the blurred images come to light,
The ringing of my damaged ears,
Greeted by the smouldering sight,
-
Rubble all around me,
Smoke dense, as it burns my throat,
Blood dripping down my fingers,
Stepping over winter coats,
-
My anxious screams for help,
Drowned out by ringing ears,
Tripping over unknown objects,
As I am faced with all I feared,
-
The dense smoke clearing,
Bodies scattered amongst the cold,
Light captures their innocence,
Drawing out their traumatic souls,
-
Falling to my knees I watch,
As his hand collects them all,
Tears run down my broken cheek,
As I await his beckoning call,
-
The ringing of my ears fade,
The pain no longer there,
As my soul leaves my chest,
To climb his awaiting stairs,

I'll be forever in her shadow,
In the darkness I wait,
The situation consumes me,
As I'm left to contemplate,

I look exactly like her,
In every single way,
I mimic her movements,
It’s a game I like to play,

I blend with her shadows,
I follow her when she leaves,
I know her every mannerism,
I even copy how she breathes,

We tread the route together,
Picking flowers in the sun,
Sharing the memories,
Of all the things we've done,

She gazes at the light,
Beaming through the sky,
Breaking through the clouds,
Warming her inside,

We walk along the path,
But I let her lead the way,
To the comfort of our home,
On this summers day,

She lay upon the bed,
And whispered close to me..

...I miss our days together mum,
I wish you were here with me.

The sun in the horizon,
Makes way for the night sky,
Romancing stars blind us,
The Aurora greets our eyes,

Covering your shoulders,
To fight off the evening chill,
Your hand no longer grasping,
Peace amongst the still,

A shooting star passes,
In the heavens I watch you go,
Tears falling from my cheek,
Leaves an imprint on the snow,

This is what we wanted,
So I could not forget,
Our very last moments,
We shared with no regrets.

Deep in thought
Consumed by fear
I watch them fight
Their own ideas

They speak for me
They speak for them
They speak as though
I’m mute again

My tears run slow
Eyes well with dread
Their sermons preached
As though i’m dead

Yet I am here
My mind’s intact
As they expose
The hairline cracks

Decisions made
They all agree
Awkward eyes
Return to me

Papers passed
My future laid
Represented
By union trade

I sit at home
I wait for news
I look online for
Similar views

Breaking down
My body aches
As I endure
Life mistakes

Repeat

*Showing the inhuman side, when policy and procedure comes out to play

They shed no tears as the bridges burned
A lingering stench of phantosmia remains
No pouncet box can mask the memories
Their shame leaks through guilty pores

By Darren Wall ©

Their freedom granted by bifurcation
Roots severed from the family tree
They mourned the living, in brief
Discarded the wither and blight

Shed no tears to the fallen branches
The stench of phantosmia remains
Spring can't mask the memories
The wretched guilt shows no bark

The sap leaks through each season
The moss where blossom should be
Old wounds cast in the amber
Preserved for the life of the tree

Half dressed in a dawn chorus
Juxtaposed by muted decay
A lowly woodpecker knocks
Broken by a solitary shrill.

By Darren Wall ©