i lose my placement on the feeling as soon as it leaves

i tripped over my own words and choked on them
misspoke my truth
left out so many important details

everyone around has it somewhat figured
because they had roots.

i grew up severely unaware; didn't know the names of places, only the abstract feeling.
the feelings i can't quite place now

everyone growing up seemed to be grounded
i played into it; welcomed jokes at my expense
i knew more than i was letting on
but i wanted to blend in.
(it worked)

The cans in my room clang like church bells on a Sunday
waking me from a slumber as I roll in my blankets
the wind sweeps my cheek
my minds still asleep
but my eyes flutter anyway

I can taste last nights regrets on my tongue
stale
dry
like I spilled so many words
my mouth has nothing left to taste

Beer still rolls in my belly
holds me like an apology
as I reach for more water
I want to reach for something more

I feel like I'm losing everyone
Or maybe I never really had anyone

And how does one ask for help? Or plead and not feel
Pity, shame? And does one ever grunt and say what one needs to say?
At some point in the yarn of the time, how does one
Look over one’s shoulder to reconcile,
How does one open a mouth to say
“I am lost. I think” But does one truly think,
Or act on the impulses.
Or calm oneself to ask. Ask!


And “When should I think?” I ask
“soon,” I say, “soon, on some wintery night,
When my windowpanes creak in the cold,
When my steel glass never gets warm,
I might think or ask, how does one not think?
and find a reason to reason with it;
The weary long journey, how it doesn’t end
And seems to start at every corner of the road”
“Perhaps, I shall shave my head
and wash my face with some fragrant soap
or trim my beard to look sharp and address it,
perhaps, soon!”

I guess I should thank you
For the solitude
I definitely do
Deserve some me time

I haven’t been happy
since I heard your voice
leave me

In whispers soft, apologies are spun,  
Like magic spells beneath the sun,  
Yet hollow echoes fill the air,  
For they can't heal the wounds laid bare.  

You say "sorry" without feeling deep,  
Unaware of the scars you reap,  
No effort made for reconciliation's start,  
Leaving shattered pieces of a broken heart.  

How can you act as if nothing's amiss,  
Sending messages with a careless kiss?  
Can't you see the effort I've bestowed,  
While you turn the blame, letting falsehoods grow?  

Your words, a dagger, twist and turn,  
Making me believe it's my fault to learn.  
But if your heart lies elsewhere, let it be known,  
So I can find my place, no longer alone.  

If it's her you seek, then set me free,  
From this tangled web of deceit, let me flee.  
For I deserve truth, not shadows cast,  
Release me now, let go at last.