Good bye anxious days,
Good bye anticipation,
Good bye expectation,
Good bye stress,
Good bye over commitment,
Good bye bad attachment,
Good bye cravings,
Good bye pretense,
Welcome freedom
Welcome Boundaries
Welcome free will
Welcome choice
Welcome new possibilities
Welcome space
Welcome carefree-ness
Welcome authenticity
Welcome My self.

maybe it was foolish of me,
maybe i’m just too naive. but the way you held onto me both in a way you were scared i’d dismantle on you but enough to bruise, you were so gentle yet i still found your claw marks painting my skin that i worked so hard to heal before you.

i spent my nights questioning my own reality, wondering if you were the monster in my closet or the ghost under my bed. neither were safe, nor were they supposed to be something to romanticize but i preferred you being a ghost because at least then i wouldnt have to feel your touch.

and i used to think that was wrong of me. i was ****** up. because why on earth would i not want to embrace and melt into my lover’s touch? his arms that he vowed to have protect me?

vows. all that you constantly went back on and i sit here now wondering if you ever meant any of them. if you ever meant anything.

because i was naive,
i was foolish.

i had carved a place in my heart incase you wanted to come back but i should have known better.

a love like yours is only meant to destroy.

and i’m sorry but i cannot get over what happened this time. i cannot get over the blood shed and the tears that echoed off every wall in the room, my cries for you to stay while you kept shoving me out. i cannot get over the ache in my chest when you went back on everything we swore, because darling, real love does not go away like that and i question now if you even know what love is.

i clenched my fist and this goodbye for so long, i choked it down with my tears and held you to sleep while you hiccuped apologies that you’ll be better. but my darling evermore, i cannot be the person you hurt just because you’re hurting. i cannot be that person anymore.

Thought I never openly brag on it
I never found it something to dwell on
You made a gift so emotional that it could never be bought
So inspirational it must be felt and not taught
Then life happened, and so did you
Changing to somebody I could barely view
You spent your days at parties and bashes, long forgetting your truest friends
You left our messages on red and blue, and even when I waited for you
You never rung back

You greatly post about your life, as if you beg for the attention
And looking back and taking some introspection
I realize we were the sun and the moon
Always to be apart, always to have a pull and push
Always to end things early, always to say goodbye too soon
Never ready and never to see the use

I'd ping you motivation and say your eyes spark into the souls of millions
You'd see this message and reply later as if my response is vermillion
You'd say I ignore you for having nothing to work with
And yet I adored you even when you thought I wouldn't persist
Months on end a single ping from you is all I wanted
and seconds on end my response time made you astonished

Many call you out to your way of delaying friendships, to keep them on hold and return when you are in pieces
To have us piece you back together because you learnt this world is vicious
You even told me you find my concern for you so alarming, how anybody so genuine could love "****" like you
And even now I second guess before I throw blame and hit skew

You called guys manipulative and even called my lack of time a game
Yet always cried and pleaded when we called you out for the same
So determined to keep a guy on the line while lusting for another
You find it naïve of me to not act like your brother
It's saddening to think we may never find comfort in speaking again
And where I wished you at every occasion, you never wished me a happy birthday
You never told me happy Birthday

The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

Don’t come home late she says
As she always says
Her heart beating a drum inside her chest.

He looks into her eyes soulfully
The soul of innocent intent
His mouth promising he won’t

She believes him
As she always believes him
Her soul praying that he will.

Please don’t drink too much she begs
As she always begs
Her stomach cramping from the shame.

He touches her face with his fingertips
and with  promises of eternal love in his eyes
He tells her that he loves her.

He means it.

He never hits me she thinks
I know that he loves me.
Except that she doesn’t.

He never hits me she thinks
It’s not that bad
And wonders why

She

Always

Feels

So

Empty .

Something has been eating me alive
and it's coming from within
when did it truly begin
when did it start eating away
what's the cause of this decay
my insides are in disarray
out of place
some things missing
slowly filling with the void
an empty replacement
fulling with darkness
it won't stop spreading
is it truly from within
or did you infect me
pierce me with your toxin
to slowly eat away
making me useless
so I can't fight your words
your toxic hate
breaking me down
piece by piece
destroying who I was
and what I could be
but your gone
I have begun to heal
but it's hard to replace what you've taken
what you destroyed
sometimes I can still taste your poison
I know ill never forget
what you did
the pain I felt
but I can be better
I WILL be better
I can make it out alive
I can heal
no matter how hard you tried
I'm still alive