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Apr 25 · 400
Cherish the day. Or not
Itunu Apr 25
I think I will forever resent the day you died.

I think I will forever hate the day you left - Me.

You left everything for us, to pick up, to clean up - To tidy.

And you left it all as it was but slightly worse.

But only you didn't die
You lost your mind.

Your mind faded the way we sleep

Slowly and then all at once.

Until you vanished, and became a shell of you.

You had died severely. Each time you broke you died.

You left us. You are no longer here, with us.

You look but do not see

You hear but do not listen

You are.

But you are not.
mental health can take people from you. my brother is gone.
May 2022 · 1.3k
Closer
Itunu May 2022
His kisses were filled with fervent desire and passion,
as though he was trying to press us together as close as possible.

I too returned the desire
To be held and wanted

The way he wanted me
As I was.
May 2022 · 456
You are
Itunu May 2022
Whatever you do, remember you were, you will be, and you are

Great.
May 2022 · 241
Shapeless Love
Itunu May 2022
Shapeless love.

Can I call it love?

My parents co-exist.
My parents are strangers in a legal contract and they are destroying me slowly.

I am burning up, I am burning out trying to stay afloat
I am trying to hold onto a hope that is not them.

Bound merely by chance and children, in a loose hapless form.

Why won't she leave?

Mum, neglect is abuse too.

Mum, manipulation is abuse too.

Open your eyes, I want to scream to her.  I want to pry and hold her eyes open till they begin to tear up from the wind of his destructiveness.

Mum, please put your first.

She has given till she has no more, and he's taken till he has no satisfaction.
I am hurting. For my mum, for myself.
Nov 2020 · 471
Baby Sugar
Itunu Nov 2020
Give me honey, sugar.
Something sweet to taste and see

I’ll give you what you want.
Anything you need from me

Sugar
Baby
Sugar baby. Sweet
Nov 2020 · 387
Naked like an onion
Itunu Nov 2020
You peel my clothes off
You peel my layers.

Each thinner than the next.
Till you’ve exposed me.

My inner part. My flesh.
Raw, ripe and ready.

Blurry vision,
I’ve made you cry.

Be careful.

My scent will cling to you.
Your fingers.
Onion. Go figure ** Hey! I’m looking for new friends! Don’t be shy to text!
Nov 2020 · 689
Ignite: Highly Flammable
Itunu Nov 2020
You
Are like a flame. And I am highly combustible household furniture.

And so you move close to me, and touch me.
And set me on fire.

Slowly,
Then all at once

You multiply and engulf me in your love, in you. All of you.

And we burn
A beautiful hot blaze, wrapped in desire and hunger

And we burn
Illuminating the room, the house, the street.

And we burn, your flames multiply and grow and we are tangled in heat and desperation.

And we ignore the: warning highly flammable sign

And dance till we’ve scorched through the floor,
Leaving burnt out embers

You consume me, all of me.

You search my heart, my soul, my body. A house, room to room

Stealing all my possessions,
All my highly flammable household furniture

And I let you.
I watch your flames dance to me and I feel your heat.

And I let you burn me. Enveloped in the pleasure of your flames I burn.

Hot. Desire. Hot.

Until you’ve burnt through it all.

Left my reflection a wobbling photo of grief.

Exhausted. No more oxygen to eat on.
Just C 0 2.

No more me and you.

And I’m just a shell. A frame.
Filled with burnt furniture

And black.
Burn.
Nov 2020 · 506
I want Roller Skates
Itunu Nov 2020
Not an impulsive interest,
But a gradual love.

In the midst of this stress and uncertainty,
One thing I know for sure.

I crave the freedom of skating.
The mental release it has to offer.

Like releasing myself from this cage,
I’m locked in.

A brief solace,
From my over worked brain.

To feel the wind in between my hair
Fresh air filling my lungs.

My strong legs supporting my body,
Knees bent ready to take off.

The taste of victory in my mouth,
Sweaty adrenaline palms.

I want roller skates,
So very badly.

- a broke struggling student
If you’re feeling generous or benevolent lately, Hey:)
Apr 2020 · 311
Death Danced Beautifully
Itunu Apr 2020
Death came in the night,
slinking in the shadows, weaving in and out of darkness
and being stealthy
and he rested on the man's chest.
Death took cover in the blank black of night and breathed out an invisible net and caught,
lives
and took and stole
Death came disguised as sleep and in the vulnerability he snatched away life
and left the part he didn't need in the bed
as a gift, a token
He surrounded existence by his inevitable arms and strangled it, ****** it out.
Death,
he came quietly and like silent destruction,
and scattered the lines of connection,
for the dead, and for the living.

Except but he didn't come just at night.
He came dancing through summer, enveloped in joy and white lilies,
Tap dancing through the mess he created.
Turning souls into memories.

Death followed them to the beach, and spread his cloak in the warm sand, and ran in to the water
after the boy
and pulled him into his arms under the gentle waves
then allowed him to float, lifelessly
like a bouy
He was erratic and unstoppable
Transforming summer days at the beach into unspoken family grief,
celebrated yearly
the day that he swam with the boy.

Death sipped a cool drink and waited, for what to take next.
He sat patiently at the pool, with open arms and a ticket with a name on it.
He was impulsive and careless.

Death sang a song and they danced to it,
each step deadlier than the next
until
they stood at his feet dressed in white covered in permanence.

He followed around with his cart
waiting to pluck the next one
from their line
and to leave behind
distorted and collective grief
set in a bed of white silk
in a casket

Death never slept, but decided which costume to wear.
he had many,
for every occasion.
But on her day,
He dressed as an errand run
disguised as a daily task to the store
he invited his friends;
accident and collision
and told them to wait at the traffic light
and when they saw him,
they ran to meet him in the middle.
And embraced each other,
leaving a mangled ball of assorted metals behind.
with crimson splashes, strewn clothes and full stops
and they laughed
and he carried his 5 tokens
and left behind his signature,
locked the box of their future
then swallowed the key.

And he didn't look back
as he danced beautifully
To everyone we've lost.
Mar 2020 · 328
Hopelessly in Love With You
Itunu Mar 2020
I almost loved you
more than life itself

But while  I loved you,
I lost myself

You idolized my body
with fervent desire

You whispered words of desperate love
and I allowed you to consume me

Each time we touched
I pressed my body close, wanting more
needing more

I wanted our hearts to be one
to connect, to unite

And when you looked into my eyes
I was consumed by your stare

And I fell so desperately and hopelessly
In love with you

Almost more than life itself
Sep 2019 · 269
Breathe
Itunu Sep 2019
I am choked up by your love,
for me
I am choked up by my love,
for you
And I am in blissful happiness the further I drown in the sea of you.
I am in love with every part of you,
so in love, I forget to breathe.
And I want to breathe in every part of you,
I want to breathe in all the air we share,
so that we become so close, we are one.
I am in love with you,
every part
I am infatuated with you,
completely.
And as I say these vows to you, I promise to you,
I won't forget to breathe you in,
I won't forget to hold you close,
I won't forget to love you
As much as you love me.
LOveeee
Jun 2018 · 295
Mental
Itunu Jun 2018
You can’t have a mental illness...
You look so normal.  
What does a person with a mental issue look like?
Pink, blue and covered in dots?
No clue
Orange, green with fuschia spots?
If we were able to diagnose people upon sight,
We’d have shirts that say “hi my name is __ and I’m a pyromaniac”
proceeds to strike a match

There is a certain image attached with the words
MENTAL
A woman, clutching her houserobe in the corner, eyes wide rocking whispering
JUDGEMENTAL
A man shaking, murmuring, wringing his hands
FIGMENTAL

So an *** sufferer mustn’t have it because she doesn’t “look it” eh?
And that guy with MS just doesn’t look sick enough for you right?

No.
No.
What I feel is what I feel. How dare you undermine what I am going through because it doesn’t live up to your expectations.
Do you want to see the suffering?
No. You don’t want to see what I’m going through.
You don’t want to see or hear the torment, everyday. The voices plaguing
How I take my medication like a ritual,
How I pray.

I’m sorry I don’t look sick enough for you
But I’m not sorry for what I’m going though.
I’m not going through anything major, this is for my sisters and brothers who get told this! You can’t see what people are going through so NEVER judge!
Jun 2018 · 426
I am
Itunu Jun 2018
Free
Gorgeous
Smart
Precious
Priceless.
I am undefined by any person. I am my own.
I carry myself higher and higher, perched on the wings of glory,
Floating on grace and valor.
I am honey, sweet, addictive and precious.
I am not yours
I am not yours
I
Am
Not
Yours.
Because I am solely mine.
Today. Tomorrow and forever.
Apr 2018 · 288
Safe at Home
Itunu Apr 2018
Home is where the heart is they say
My heart is with
Him.
Again.
Him.
When I’m with

I feel at home.
Safe.
When our hands are together I feel safe.
At home.
His eyes are home, pools of brown.
In his arms a sense of security
Protection.
His love firm and solid, unshaking
Steady.
His lips perfect, carving perfect lies
I believed.
His mind, cunning master manipulator
Me falling for it.
Like the vicious cycle that love is
I took him back.
Forgetting the torture, seeing the love
Putting myself though that emotional roller coaster.
And now I’m a wreckage. Fearful and paranoid.
How one bad egg spoils the cake.
6 years.
I don’t trust that guy, the one who said I was pretty.
I was fine. Then. I saw.
_
Him.
Beautiful in sunlight. Smile masking his loss.
Me.
I was his muse and he lost me.
Wrecked me.
Destroyed me and left me picking then pieces of myself blinded by the illusion of love.
And so he sees me and comes to me.
Staring im unable to move.
Stuck in his trance
And so he hugs me.
And I feel back
Safe at home.
How many of us go back? Let me know x
Apr 2018 · 260
Over it
Itunu Apr 2018
I’m over him.
I say
While stalking his profile.
Lol
Get a grip.
I’m so over it.
I say
Staring at him in the hall
Totally over it.
Congrats, I fooled myself
I’m Actually over him. I just like writing about love. And how it can feel
Apr 2018 · 360
Him
Itunu Apr 2018
Him
I don’t know what to do. He’s with someone else now.  And I despise myself for not being able to push back. For not being able to fight it and move on. I despise myself for getting too caught up in this man. For allowing myself to fall freely in love with him. To be vulnerable.

So now how do I move on and be happy. I see him smile, laugh, be happy and I wish just wish he could see the turmoil going on in my head and heart. Behind my smile lies a brokenness that only he could fix. Those same lips he smiles with once kissed me with all the desperation in the world. Asif I was his oxygen and lifeline. How do I allow myself to be comfortable knowing what we once shared so intimately is now being shared with another person that isn’t me.

What I feel isn’t jealously. I don’t know what I feel. A bundle of nameless emotions blacken my thoughts. Anger? Lust? Resentment? Hurt? Betrayal? I do not know what I feel. And it’s confusing. So this is what it feels like to have loved. A dangerous thing that has made me sworn to never again love until I am certain. How will I know? I thought I was certain. I feel betrayed more than anything. He told me I was his for ever and he sees a future with me. He told me “ you’ll probably be my wife someday” what does someday mean?

Stuck. I’m stuck on him and not moving forward. He was like a spell that was cast on me. And I’m stuck. Just stuck. So what now I ask myself? How do I function knowing the very person that made me get up in the morning is now out of my life...romantically. And I’ve prayed because trust me no one, NO ONE should feel this hooked on a person. And it’s a sin because I know that I’ve sent more time thinking about him than anything. And it’s a sin because I almost worshiped this man. Mere man made by God. Mere man had such a control over me. Mere man.

And I’m learning to help myself. Avoid eyes, carry on, imagine MY future. Work for me. It’s hard. Because I just want what was and not what is. And because of him I spend so much time living in the past dreaming, reminiscing, looking back at what ONCE was and no longer is. He’s somebody else’s man and I need to accept that and be my own woman. My own self without him.

And so I’m trying to comprehend what has happened and how quickly it happened. Can it just be over like this? And I often sit recollecting my thoughts and memories of what was. What could have been and I see the signs. And I think if only I had done something differently maybe we’d be in a different place or still be together.

Seeing him with someone else aches. I can’t help but think of what could have been. Yet again. Back pedaling. Like a tug in my heart. And I pretend. Blissfully act asif nothing is wrong. I cast my eyes away. Avoiding eye contact like a plague. Forcing my self not to look with all my strength. And it’s hard. So **** hard. But still I act. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever move on. I can’t help but think will someone ever be his infatuated with me?

Now. I feel a strange calmness. Acceptance. What’s happened has happened and I can’t dwell on what could have been. There is a peace. A small hope that our hearts reconnect. That we find out way back to each other and become one again. I’ve began to move on. I’m happy. He’s not the center of my world. Yes I still have a soft spot for him. He was my first love. The first person I ever feel so deeply For. My first obsession.
The first person I opened my whole self to him like a book and he drained me. He took every last bit of me i had to give. Maybe it’s my fault. I fell too hard too freely too fast. Recklessly speeding down the highway of love, throwing no caution to the wind.

And I still miss him. I am constantly plagued by what could have been. Regrets what I could have done differently. Desperately wishing I could go back in time. Please God just let me go back 7 months. Just to change one thing.
4 years wasted. 4 years of being emotionally invested in him. 4 years gone. Not a trace. Like strangers in the hallway. Feels weird not knowing what’s happening in his life. I want to know. I want to be his support. I want to be his pillar, his help, his constant, his anchor. The person he can run to any time and trusting I’ll have my arms wide open to reel him back into my heart. Where he belongs. Where he should be. Where he etched his mark. All over my body.

Him.
Obsessed with him.
Still in love with him.
I need to get over him.
My world isn’t him.
I’m voting to let go of him.
Him
So yh...I was I’m stuck on him. Help!

— The End —