10 beats
10 kisses
10 late night texts
10 phone calls
10 secret words just for me
10 love songs that are in time to the last 10 beats of my broken heart
Laid out as a bittersweet harmony
To accompany the melody
Put in a frame ,your work of art
" 10 beats to a broken heart."

What the girl never realised was that , loving too much
left her wide awake at 3am .....
wondering , crying
ripping up her own mind for explanations that she'll never get
and realising that she never wants to feel again.

We are all broken ,
that is  how the light gets in

I don't breathe the same
I can't

I don't see the same
How could I ?

I don't look the same
I've got new scars

I don't speak the same
I have a sharper edge to my words

I don't love the same
If I love at all

I do however feel the same
How could that change ?
It can't .
Cause I'll always feel this way ....



                  Broken

Empty
Who am I ?
Full to the brim of pain

Empty
Who do you want me to be ?
But beyond the point of emptiness

Empty
Maybe I’m not ok ?
Hold me

Empty
Is it possible to swim without becoming water yourself ?
Always ok ,always fine

Empty
       Empty

Empty
Am I not good enough ?

Empty
So who am I ?
Who am I trying to be ?

I’m hurting but don’t let anyone know
The show must go on
It shouldn’t
             But it does
So empty I remain
Because anything is better
          Better
Than this burning pain
              
         E
               M
                      P
                           T
                                Y
I’m drowning

I'm not allowed to mourn you
And it's not fair
Because we were an almost
And I still think about it at 3am some nights
And I wonder
Maybe things would be different
If you had almost not lied to me
If I had almost been patient
If we had almost been together

But that's wrong
We're wrong
You were the perfect puzzle piece
And you used to fit with me perfectly
Until one day you didn't

So now all we are is an almost
An almost I can't mourn

I'm sorry to my almost lover
That there is nothing left to uncover
I'm sorry that I can't believe , that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me
I'm so sorry hear my plea
I'm sorry I was so blind
I really thought you wouldn't mind
And I'm sorry that I wanna hear your voice
But you left me no choice
And I'm sorry that I ever thought there was no other
Cause in the end we are just almost lovers .

I always say I can't wait till you leave
But I know once you do all I'll do is grieve
Cause you'll start a new chapter with clarity
Going off to university
And me ?
I'll be stuck here, don't you see
Can't You hear my silent plea
I always say I can't wait till you leave
But now i know I was being naive
Cause I know I'll brake once you leave
But I guess it's what I deserve
How could I have the nerve ?
So go ahead and flee
Cause I was stupid thinking you could ever love me .

A little raven haired girl sat alone
Throwing stones
Repeating a mantra
Amare est delere et amari est deleri 
With tears down her face fighting a tantrum
I pondered how a girl so young
Could speak in a different tounge
her body seemed so pale
And extremely frail
Yet she gave off an aura of a warrior
An aura that contradicted her exterior
She said her mantra like a soldier
Would each time becoming bolder
It was then that I realised what it was
And what it meant because
It was something I learnt as a child
To stop me from loving so wild
amare est delere et amari est deleri
To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be destroyed
And I knew I must help this child and fill it's obvious void.

She gave all she had to another love
She broke her heart for another love
She gave all her love to another love
And now all she has is another lonely night lover

His smile
A godsend

Oh what a beautiful life
His words would make me alight with happiness

His crazy singing at 3 am
Careless to his church going neighbors

He was perfect
In every single way

He was everything I could have loved


But no matter what his heart pleads of me
I cannot give him what he wants

He was everything that I should have loved
But I never seem to do the things I should

His eyes were brighter than the sun
Flaws? You ask , he has none
His hair a golden that rivalled dawn
looks like he just came out of a salon
Beauty that came from Aphrodite
He is praised like god almighty
He rides through day and night on a chariot
One of the great Greek patriots
Born from Leto and almighty Zeus
With a body that does ******
In war I will follow, till the depths of the earth
My beloved Apollo

I must leave now
I must See the wild
I must fall in love
And lose it all
I must do what great poets do
I must live

" are you alright ?"
I know your only asking to be polite
But apart of me wants to tell you
About the fact I only feel blue
But I can't spill my darkest secrets
Cause there harder to say , so this for now will be a secret
I want to scream I'm not ok
But it'll only be worse at the end of the day
So I pull up my walls
And evert my eyeballs
Cause I'm a liard
So I whisper " I'm ok just tired"
And that's ok , that'll be enough
Till one day it'll be too tough
A crown too heavy for even a king
But as of for right now I don't feel much of anything

I am raw
Broken
And bent
I am as honest as a poet can be
In an age of brutal honesty
Wrapped up in pretty silk
A doll to be played with
Manipulated

I think more than anything I'm in love with his smile
The way his laughter could carry on for miles

The way his eyes shine
They could stop time

The way his nose wrinkles
With every giggle

The way his touch gives me tingles
When our lips blissfully mingle

I think more than anything I'm in love with his smile
That no one but me could see it for miles

Moments before the everlasting tide
I wish for you by my side
Moments after the waves wash in
I wish for you to cleanse every sin
Moments during the storm
I wish for your ray of sunshine to make me feel warm
I should not wish on you like a shooting star
But that's the kind of friend you are , beautifully bizarre
So I bid you a happy Valentine's Day
Hoping you will wait for me on the shore on a planet far far away
Maybe you'll allow me to stay
For just another day
What a wonderful person to call a friend
Till the waves crash in , taking me under until the end

His eyes were a black darker than hell
With everything he saw his heart grew harder
His fathers abomination
A sinful creation

He was an angel and a demon
Because of this he was beaten
He struggled with his feelings
His father called him a weakling

He loved a girl , but it was a sin
At this he could only grin
His deepest desire
The darkest of sins

He was cruel
But he was no fool
You see he had hurt people
God he was evil

But one day after all he did
No one hid
Because they all saw ,in his chest was a dagger
He was no longer a bragger

He had burns from fire
It looked like heavenly fire

He looked at his queen
And the funny thing was that his eyes were a grassy green

Rest with the morning stars now
Ave atque vale

Bleed me
Brake me
Fight me
Bruise me
That's your job isn't it
As a father that's what you should do
So carry on
Bleed me
Brake me
Fight me
Bruise me
Slowly **** me everyday
With a smug smile on your face
Be you
Because you will never change
That I know for sure

Things are better
This way
Apart
Separate
But don’t you wonder ?
If things could have been better
If we were more
Together even

But it’s better this way
Apart
Separate
Lonely

Drip
Drop
Drip
Drop
Your shirts are stained now
In a colour so deep , can you guess how ?
Your fingers are blue , fragile and cold
Your body will soon never grow old
Maybe that's what immortality is
If so , I've been immortal for some time cause of this
Pain , it's unbearable
It's unchangeable
im drowning
And believe me it's not a good feeling
So I continue
Till my end is due
And my song will be the haunting melody
A lonely harmony
A Blue , purple and red
there's nothing left to be said
Except
Drip
Drop
Drip
Drop
My shirt is stained
Oh what a shame

She was like a broken record
Repeating her song of lies ,good faith and happiness
And they all judge her
But can't they hear it
There song
It's repeating  
Maybe someone should let them know

I feel like I'm suffocating
Buried under it all
I can't breathe
But sometimes I'm not so sure I want to Breathe again

I'm suffocating
Buried 6ft under

By the willow tree
That's where we first met
It was hauntingly ancient
Like our souls
It's branches looked like dainty balconies for faires
The moss was over grown
It engulfed all that dared step upon it
But we never minded
Do you remember the days there ?
Time seemed to move differently there
It felt like silk passing over our bodies
Soft to the touch
The leaves layed carelessly
Like dead soldiers under sophisticated soil
Now we are like the leaves
Buried 6ft under
Right
By the willow tree

You are my own sin ,
All we do is run ,
Isn't it fun?
I feel you in my veins ,
It electrifies everyone of my cells,
My drug ,
Better than ******* ,
Better than heroine,
But when I wake up ,
Where are you ?
Sometimes I doubt your even real,
Then you come back ,
My drug,
But when I hear the door close ,
I know this time ,
That your not coming back ,

At least that's what I tell myself ,
But deep down I know ,
That I can never quit you .

I don't quite get it
The amount of capacity you need to live
To be full
To be ..... alive
My bones wither
My soul drowns
My voice breaks
Under the weight
Of this so called life

Pulling at my seams
All I can do is scream
Every thread being pulled
My skin paled

Wish you were sorry for the things you've done
But everything we had you burned down
I can't believe I still love you
But I do

Sometimes I feel sick
God you were such a ****

When I met you I said you'd never capture me
But no one heard my plea
Cause in the end all you did was capture me

To me the sunset looks like an ensemble of different sparks igniting our little world

To me the ocean is filled with endless stories, dreams forgotten, lives lost ,    
Ideas never thought of

But the sunset and the ocean is less of a mystery to me than you are
But I guess that's ok
Because I'll always be an outsider when it comes to your heart
When you've known mine like you know the back of your hand
But I'll keep fighting
Till one when I know your heart as well as you know mine

But for now tot with my heart
Play catch with it
I would rather you pretend to love me
Than not at all
Because your so good at it
I almost  believe you when you say .......
            I love you
But then I remember
Someone with a heart like yours
Can never love truly
So I keep pushing
Cause one day
Your heart will be mine to hold
And who knows .......
                I might just play catch with it

Do you remember those nights like I do ?
Do you know all the pain I felt due to you ?
My life was ******* from the moment I was born
But I thought it was normal for a child to wish to be unborn
How wrong I was
I lived a lie that's just one cause
As to why I wanted to leave it all
I wanted to be happy that's all I wanted to achieve

Is it too much to ask?
For once to be able to take of my mask ?
Or must I always be subjected to wishing for the life of another
Can you blame me ?an angry father , a drunkard mother
Pain is all I've ever known

I beg them "don't "
But do they listen? No
They always shout , kick and throw
But maybe if I survive I can help others
And teach  all fathers and mothers child abuse is wrong
I know from experience, it doesn't make a child strong
It makes us cry at night
Waiting for the next words , kick or slap or fight  
So don't turn to anger and *****
Because it  is a perfect mix for child abuse
It won't make  you a man if u get angry and hit
Your child will only learn your ways and they're child will suffer it
Because you can't give up your anger and power
For my father used anger to empower
Himself , it washed him away
So start a new, keep children safe and let them live another day

I don’t need you’re love
Lie to me
If u must

Tell me you won’t leave
I’m a child reaching for something unobtainable
You the unobtainable object

Way out of reach
I will never be tall enough or strong enough to reach you
But I’ll never stop

I’m young and stupid
Naive
And in love

My love is yours
Take it
Break it
Or keep it
It doesn’t matter

I’m a child
But so are you
So let’s be children
In love

Childhood, far too short
in my opinion
At what point does a person
Put away childish things
And dreams
Store them in crates and boxes
Memories to look upon
But never understood again
Never am I more envious
of a child then now ,
while I put away childish things

Open,open,open
Quick ,quick,quick
Don't let them hear
Lean over
Light , light ,light
Flame burns , nothing but a lighter
And a pack of cigarettes
Cigarettes,cigarettes,cigarettes
Food for broken souls
Food for those like me
Food , food ,food
Broken,broken,broken
Take my ash stained hands
Take my cold ,cold heart
Take my bitter lips
Warm it , clean them ,sweeten them with your love
Cause that's all I need ......
That and a pack of your finest cigarettes.

They say first loves hurt the most
And that may be true
Because you loose trust
In how they feel for you

They say first loves break your heart
And that is true
It hurts the way they call u sweetheart
Because eventually when they stop and you will feel ever so blue

They say you never forget your first love
But that’s not true
Because I won’t remember the way you shut me out with a shove
I’ll remember the way you made me feel
And how Much I wished for your touch

That’s something I’ll never forget
And you may try your hardest to forget
But I know you felt it too
I know you wanted my touch
To sooth you with a simple touch

So don’t lie to yourself because I know you still think about it
So don’t be a hypocrite

Because I know you loved me
And how I reminded you of the sea
Wild and reckless
I know your jealous of his hands , you feel helpless

But this is over
And  to find a love like that will be rare like finding a four leafed clover
In a cloverless field

Grab a canvas my love,
Paint it red , like the blood that pours out of my heart
Paint it blue , bluer than my sorrows
Paint it black , the way I like my coffee
Paint it green , the colour of your eyes
Paint it white , stars that illuminate the night
Paint it the colours of my heart
Make me your own work of art .

I am a crescent moon
Always incomplete
I smile in doubt at being told I am a fragment awaiting perfection

I am a crescent moon
Surrounded by shadows and demons
They've been there for as long as I can Remember
Chasing me ....and I used to be able to fight them
But they've made me weak ... soft
Those I care for
Iam a crescent moon
Smiling in bitterness at knowing I will always be a fragment awaiting perfection

I don't wanna  think about you
I don't even love you , not anymore
I have no feelings but remorse
Remorse for what could have been
I keep thinking about it all
I hate that
I don't wanna think about you
But here I am
Sitting cross legged
Thinking about you

Can you see it ?
I can
The fire is rising
I'm chocking
I see it all
Everything I never did
I see the pain
I know what you did
Your eyes burn with hatred
Is it for me ?
Cause I see the same fire when I look in the mirror
Am I turning out like you
How can this be ?
I prayed I'd never see the day that I became a daddy's girl

The city lights are blinding
They are beautiful yet polluted
Filling this world with dreadful disease

The city lights are blinding
They take away your sight
Making you walk this world blind unknowing to its dangers

The city lights are blinding
Making all feel forevermore alone

The city lights are blinding  
And Iam blinded by there dreadful beauty

Sometimes I just feel lost
As my heart slowly turns to frost
My life is just a routine
Like the only thing I'm surviving on is caffeine
Like I'm in a dollhouse
Playing with me like cat and mouse
I don't know where I'm going
What am I doing ?
My life has no meaning
My existence is completely unmeaning
I am a simple porcelain doll
Awaiting love above all
Pick me up and play with me
For I am as empty as the Dead Sea
Toss me around
I promise I won't make a sound.

I am the dreamer
And you my unattainable dream
But that’s ok
For I see you and me
In my dreams
For I am after all a dreamer
And you
My fading dream

Waking up from a dream is like , falling in love ,
You slowly loose the imagination,
You drift in and out of reality,
Your dream slowly falls away ,
And reality sets in ,
Love is in  many ways like a dream catcher ,
It catches bad dreams ,
Love catches bad thoughts ,
It suppresses the inevitable,
We all have nightmares,
But after a while you realise ,
Nightmares are just your dream catchers  way of setting you back ,
Into reality ,
It let's you know we're not infinite,
We only have a certain amount of time,
So we'd better use it .

Tell me you love me
Whisper secrets into my ear
Make or break me with one touch
I want that kind of embrace

Lust filled eyes
Embrace me !
Hands like knives
Each cut sinfully beautiful
Embrace me !

Every word sets of a tempest
Embrace me !
Kisses like red berries
Deadly or sugar sweet
Embrace me !
Embrace me !
I scream to someone
Who no longer seems to be here

Like an open window
Like my home ,hollow
Like the darkness
Like a porcelain doll
Like a casket
Like a ghost
Put your hand right through me
Cause this is what I am
Empty

I fell in love with your every flaw
I fell in love with your every mistake
i fell so far for you that I didn't know if I would survive the landing
And I unfortunately did not

I fell hard and I had hoped that you would be at the bottom
But as I got closer to the ground I saw you flee
And you left me there
Falling down to the ground
Like I was cast down to earth by god
I realised you hadn't  been a miracle but a punishment
And I fell
Broken and restless
Like a fallen angel
I fell from heaven right into hell

I want closure
I want to be free
I want to forget
I want you to message me
I want you to explain
I want no lies or excuses
I want the truth
I want to let go
But how can I
When all I am to you is a lost memory
Someone to forget
Someone to be left in the dust

I felt for him
It was so grim

And yes I wrote about it
But I'm letting go bit by bit

And when the rain comes
I no longer think of your welcomes
I think of the rainbow I hope too see cause baby I feel so free !

When the sun comes I no longer think of your hair
No , I ignore your stare

Cause honey one day I'm gonna fly
And I really need a new guy

Cause your afraid of heights
So how can I see the sites ?

Cause yes I felt for him
But oh god it was so grim

He had such pretty eyes
They were greener than any forest
They drew you in
They were the kind of eyes that you could get lost in
And I suppose that's just what I did

I felt as though I missed the last step on my stairs
I felt so stupid for not realising  
I was laughing at myself
My whole world felt like I was falling and I couldn't understand why till I was told the truth
And now my feet r placed on the ground
But suddenly I miss falling
It seemed to feel like I was  flying
As free as a bird
Now I'm no longer  free but trapped in a cage we call socitry

Wanna know what really ****** me up as a kid ?
It wasn't so much the anger and pain
It was that my parents aren't always like that
They could be nice and kind
And sometimes I'd drive myself crazy
Not so sure that it was real ,
Till it happened again
That ****** me up

I lost trust in my parents and especially my mother
She'd tell me we'd leave and we'd be happy
" don't worry little one " that was a lie
She'd just crawl right back
I guess I can't blame her

I sometimes don't think that I have it that bad
Cause maybe I dont
So I just tell myself I'm just an overreacting teenager
But then my mother my protector
Goes and gets wasted she falls
I carry her to bed lulling her to sleep
Another time she wishes me dead after falling in public
I got the stares I hated it

It makes me angry that I have no one to trust
One one that cares enough
And that's what really ***** me up
Guess I'm just a ****** up kid
Nothing left to say
Except that I'm sorry
Maybe I could have done better
But in the end I'll only be a ****** up kid
Can you really blame me ?

She has one of the purest hearts
But this is the life she wishes to depart
Cause she's like a beast in the wilderness
She is the darkness
Don't let her put you under her spell
Cause she's going to hell
A perfect picture
A goddess that gives into the darkness