i used to have dreams
of growing old and gray
with you
that’d we’d retire
one day
and find a place
we wanted to stay
that we’d find a way
to be happy
as a we
but now
it seems
you’ll just have to be you
and i’ll start being me

time stood still
for us
for years,
at least it seemed
little growth
really happened
from the start
to now
and everything between
we lost track
of all the things
we used to dream
we’d one day achieve

and i know i am like poison
i sabotage everything
good that tries
to penetrate
my heart
i **** off all the good guys
in my mind
and keep making room
for the dark thoughts
and stomach knots
that keep me
so deeply consumed

my future plans
used to all include you
now the hole in my heart
begins to close up
but another one begins
to spread
and disease
all my desires
and hope
for anything new

i am heartbroken
for what i’ve done to you
but don’t you feel
anything?
don’t you know you’ve
hurt me too?

things don’t have to end ugly
we don’t have to feel hate
we can still let each other in
sometimes
it’s not too late

just remember that
we were happy
at one point
try not to forget
how much we
really did
love each other

i’m sorry things
turned out this way
but i hope
you will be okay
even if you tried to crush me
with the hateful things
you decided to say
i have a lot of room
in my heart
and if you can behave
i won’t cut you out
like the tumor you’ve
tried to become
i love you forever
even if
you’ve made me numb

Should sting.
They should make you want to crawl out of your flesh prison.
They shouldn't be flowery.
Nor sweet, simple, and easy to read.

My words bite at your arm,
Like the truth of society burns your eyes.
These words are the venom in my bones.
T H I S  I S  M Y  P A I N
Feel it as deep as I was forced to at 8.

This is the truth.
My words may never be full of light.
But the world holds a flashlight,
And pretends that they can see.
I may be 'deranged'
But  a  t    l e  a s  t
I
C          A        N
S        e       e

There was never a “before” sadness.

Perhaps my sorrow is like god:
it is impossible to precede
something that has always been.

does it make you feel
like a big, strong man
to bring up my dead dad
and call him a loser
for being so sad?
and then to compare me
to him
like i don’t
stand a chance
to go anywhere
and i may as well
give up
and go to hell
because i’m already
living there
every day
is a nightmare
when i should be
following my dreams
and not my fears
but i’ve been fighting
with these feelings
for several years
i’ve cried the seven seas
worth of tears
and i’m done with this ****
i no longer want you here
i don’t need your negativity
dragging my bones through the dirt
i’m tired of being broken
and hurt
as you tear and rip
me down to nothing
and steal away my worth
i was put on this earth
for more than your
petty entertainment
my strings are being cut
and i’m no longer
letting you have control
it’s my world now, baby
and there’s a fire
blazing in my soul

i am always
pushing away
the people
that bring me joy
because i always think
in the back of my mind
that they couldn’t possibly
care about me
and i try to make sure
i reject them
before they reject me

my life is such a lonely place
my heart is such a vacant space
never letting anything stay
because there are too many
fears i’d have to face

so i remain bitter
and calloused
pretending to smile
when the occasion calls for it
but it’s so rare
that i’m smiling because i want to
and not because i feel
like i have to

how easy it was to walk away
turn quiet and never stay
so you think you're not to blame
and left my heart in vain
when your voice was my song
your smile that kept me moving on
but here I lay
thinking the ghost of you to stay
embracing my blue soul with a cold kiss
and tell me that we'll be okay

i have become
a worm
so many times
falling victim to my own
mistakes and poor choices
and allowing myself to shrivel up
into something pathetic
and ugly

i have been told
and convinced i’m worthless
that i can’t do it
on my own
and i keep
becoming
that little worm
over and over again

the prospect
of building a future
scares me much more
than the idea
of death

i haven’t given up yet
but the dark thoughts
are consistently swimming
around in my weary head

somehow,
you see someone
worth saving
you see past the ugly
and help me to realize
that there could be
something better for me
that maybe i can do it on my own
that maybe i have a chance
to actually live for once
instead of just existing
i’m going to keep clicking
my heels
until i find
myself a home