The tides are at war
clashing in all directions
challenged by strong evening winds
trying not to be swayed

I fear Winter
for with it intrudes
the loneliness that consumes
as soon as the sun shies away

While I try to get myself out of bed
she glistens in the distance
rubbing it in, hues of pink and gold
bannered across the midriff
of her soaring buildings
reminding me of her flawlessness
and another day sold

Through his last breath
in embrace
she whispered
'tighter, tighter'

some deem it poison
others freedom
chemical concoction
come for me
comfort me, quickly
with a gentle caress
so I can see
what comes next

She listens
but does she care
the woman who's always there
a peeping Tom, interrupting as she wishes
like your drunk aunt at Christmas
unaware and incoherent
doing her best nonetheless

The house was being emptied
as we exchanged laughs
talking about
our first cigarettes

Tattered books, toys, plans
placed on the curb for grabs
as I timidly reached for your hand
hoping that new memories could mask
those of the twelve years past

I was told to become
my own best friend
so I tried
I really tried
bundled up
and took myself out
coffee shops, jazz bars, long walks
sat for hours wrapped in thought
sometimes truly felt okay
but on down days
hugging myself just never felt
quite the same

Can you capture,
can you get away?
he asked patiently
appearing harmless, helpful
like a sensei

I sat in thought
nervous about my next move
trying to focus on the box in play,
just as he had taught me
ignorantly paying no mind
to the soon-to-be-queen
brewing in a distant plane
A pawn, but only in disguise
stealthily eyeing its next **** 

I looked to him for guidance
but his demeanor had quickly changed
his eyes, no longer looking so kind

My fingers froze, my chest compressed
I thought to myself
can I capture, can I cower?

As it turned out, my next move
would be futile no matter
So I took my pieces and walked away
I was no good at playing games anyway

The radiator screams
intrudes a good night's sleep
and derails my dream
the only place these days
I feel peace

I’m left to stare at the ceiling
envying all the rest
my upstairs neighbors are getting
I wonder, what are they dreaming
as the heat ensconces me
and I turn to my side
waiting apprehensively
for the next shriek

I can't let go
of the day when everything was tinted gold
and the sun felt a little warmer
those 18 hours
when I felt so wanted
reacquainted with hope
formerly buried beneath
layers of disappointment
Now I find myself
chasing that high over and over
and catching whiffs of sweet cherries
that kissed your neck
that one night together we spent

You gave me all the affection
all the affirmations
made me feel secure, seen
sure
all the while
full of doubts that you stored
quietly under the rug
the one we bought together
for our new home
the one I threw out today
in hopes of learning how to unlove

lay on top of me
deadweight
until its safe

Hammered on the wall
listless
a once-rebellious girl
looks out
Sun-up, sun-down
there she hangs
with an apathetic gaze
that mimics mine
when I look at the man
lying next to me
A little aged, dusty
but mostly the same
still vibrant
on the outside

A prudent investment
at first glance
turned constant reminder
of wanting
something different
Undoubtedly it's time
for a change
I guess I'll just sell
the painting.

It’s been four years
since we've talked
hugged
laughed
I think of you
now more than ever
and regret that I couldn't before
suppose it was just too hard
but with each passing year
its harder to distract myself, ignore
I wonder how different life would be
if you were still here
I wonder what will happen
in another four

The East River ebbs and flows
reflecting in the glow of the night
ripples so hypnotizing
like her unforgettable hazel eyes

Last breath
The end
Chest open
Inhale
Three
Two
One
Let go
Be gone

The black leather chair
Got whiter by the day
Heavy with memories of you
Fading away

I hate when people say stay strong
just because they can't stand
to see me fall
the person who taught me to live is gone
and now I'm older than she was
the day we first spoke of her in past tense

Seasons twice changed
the trees nearly bare now
still my mind barrages my heart
with memories as I struggle to accept it

Maybe one day I'll pick myself up
but for now
I'm staying on the ground
on a bed of soggy autumn leaves
drenched in tears

I wonder when
I stopped being
your favorite

I gave you everything I had
and you didn’t think twice
naively, till the end
when we became
strangers again

I know I shouldn't do it
but short term pleasure
always seems to win
over long term pain
Though I’ve been burned before
scars as a reminder
the heat of the moment
pulls me back in
to your body as we play with fire
through the early morning hours

By the end of the night
not even friction
can help me
from slipping
(pale porcelain waiting for some company)

I hate it
The whole time
I think to myself,
never again, never again
(as I lean over his cold body)

But I close my eyes
and soon enough
it’s Friday again

So I reach into the cupboard for
a tall glass and
before I know it
there I am
(in that familiar awkward embrace)

All stories
no substance
What were we
but in a trance
Was it even real
or were we Peter Panned?

If the petals
can still cling
to their limbs amidst a storm
I suppose I can stand tall
upon a change in the winds

I lick my lips slowly
savoring each molecule that's left
still confident
in my choice to cut back
all the while unaware
that I'm already trapped

sticky
sweet
addicting
withholding
no different than the rest

curtained behind
a dubious smile
watching, waiting
to provide
temporary pleasure
then cater
to another

Three times now
I've washed my hands
and still feel its trace
maybe I'll try
agave next

Hope is two-faced
How she keeps us going
but also stuck
in the same place, all at once
waiting for something
that could be nothing
after all

So deceiving
were the
subtle movements,
the conversation
that kept me
thinking,
the different
perspective
I thought I
was getting.
It’s almost funny,
how
for a moment
I was duped –
bright-eyed,
optimistic.
Almost.

hazelnut crunch
salted pretzel
extra dark chocolate
burnt caramel drizzle
A satisfaction unmatched
lingers on my tongue
a shame I ate the last one

Arizona sunsets
all encompassing hugs
a stranger's compliment
a familiar, once-lost song
fleetingly transport
to a time before
before yearning, before loss
Moments that quench my thirst
and remind me
I'm right where I belong

If only they added up
and made up for
the seemingly missing -
a pair of lips pressed against mine
someone to share the mundane
For now I embrace this
Hopper-esque combination
of peace and melancholy
nostalgia and (be)longing
hoping these little joys
will be more than enough

A single earring
maybe a sock
a smidge of pride
perhaps for the best
Lo que pasó
lost
dispensable
so we thought

Lend a hand
your touch, a tender rave
Lay with me
let's bathe in ecstasy

I dream of the night
I can stare at the moon
and not be reminded of you

And until then
I hope the sun
swaddles me tight

I was drawn to you
Was it the conversation,
Irish accent,
or just Le Labo?

Breathe in.
Stare up.
The crack,
inches close.
Will it halt
before the clouds
seep through
and seize my room?
Wait and watch,
I'd rather not.
Till tomorrow,
ignore
like all other
pending problems
Sit up.
Breathe out.

I've found there exists a fine line
between carefree and careless
and (un)lucky for me
even with thick lenses
I struggle to see it

Pinch me
Fold me
Make me scream
Use me
Choose me
Let me dream
Bite me
Fight me
Let me bleed
Cloak me with your cool breath
Tell me you want me
Make me plead
Hurt me
Hold me
Whatever you need
As long as it reminds me
What it's like to feel

A pillar
spitting out poetry
as we exchanged our last words
unbeknownst to me
How comical
that we met at a place
called Make Believe

I'll take you as is
sour, sweet, or in between
no sugar added
'cause you'll always be
my favorite
So pucker up baby
show me what you've got
under all that thick skin

In a parallel world
where clouds lived in the sea
and whales traversed the sky
perhaps you and I'd be 'we'

Bruised, bare
leave me with my blanket
while I build a tougher layer

The floor is still wet you see
and my ankles are just too weak
for the slippery mess out there

Give me some time
I'll try to decompress
though currently, Cynicism
has me tangled in her nest

I’m going to close the blinds now
to be at my own mercy
Don't be alarmed
if you don't hear from me

The good thing
about aging is
receiving fewer calls
that command decoration
of an otherwise dull
daily routine.
Details of
the made-up cake I ate,
an extravagant meal.
Dreaded jokes
about added wisdom
fooling no one;
we're all just feigning, fading.
Over and over again.
So ordinary.  

Let's be honest.
There's only been one change
since that last conversation
exactly a year ago -
a heavier number.
One more ring in this stump
that awaits its demise,
its call-to-fame.
Cut down one day
put to use
shredded to paper;
transformed into
another dollar-pizza box
like the one I just stuffed
into an overflowing Manhattan trash can.

Let's talk more about nothing
See where it takes us
From the bed to the couch to the floor
I'll explore your bumps and bruises
But won't dare hold your hand
Cover your body in kisses
And pretend I'll never care

Tomorrow I'll rid my sheets of you
but today, I breathe you in one last time
fill my lungs with those nebulous lies
Puff puff pass, to the lucky one
who's next?

I don't mind
that you fed me compliments
with vapid niceties

I don't mind
that you kissed me
between bars

I don't mind
that you grazed my thigh
with your unafraid palms

I don't mind
that you held my hand
while painting falsehoods
of our future

But I hate
that I ate it all up

Your timing is impeccable
ready when needed
but willing to wait
Your curves
are enviously symmetrical
How do you manage
to stay in shape?
You're too good for me,
I know
but I love you so
teeny tiny avocado

If you could capture
all of your tears
do you think they'd fill a bowl?
A bucket?
A bath?
Or
do you think they'd drown the sea?

Three gin martinis
He asked me my fetishes
Over 'fore it started

With crisp mornings
come cooler evenings
and an unwelcome adieu
to the partner of my dreams
the only one who wraps me in warmth
an iridescent glow, a confidence
some only get after a few spirits

I'll miss her fondly
and the levity she brings
with each comforting breeze
gently brushing aside
yesterday's worries

Eyelid kisses
Buried intuition
Beneath warm fuzzy feelings
Fooled me for two years