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I'm grateful for my depression
It taught me compassion
It taught me how to write poetry with a passion
It taught me life is not all sunshine and roses
And in order to heal
You have to let pain run its course
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I'm grateful for my anxiety
It taught me to overthink things
And that the first decision
Is not always the best decision
It taught me how to draw conclusions
Although to some people it might cause confusion
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I'm grateful for the voices in my head
Although they keep me awake at night
Whenever I'm down
They motivate me to get back up and fight
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Accept who you are and be grateful
There's no one else like you so be graceful
Everyday is a gift so be thankful
Better days are coming so be fateful
-
Lowkie®

Her glass was half empty
in more ways than one
She lies awake
still haunted by all of the promises broken
all of the to gropes unnoticed
all of the refusals ignored
She wondered if she was asking for it
but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway
She couldn’t stop the sky from falling
They take what they want
while she lives in a storm of melted ice
throwing punches to her own head
trying to beat out the feelings no one will validate
Punishing her body for the sins of her mind
She was hurt by those she trusted
she was burned by the stars she reached for
No one is coming to rescue her from her
So she hides under the bar in the shadows
from evils one couldn’t imagine
With bottles of contempt broken over her head
being burned to a million ashes
sprinkled in the ocean
The flashing lights can’t brighten
the darkness she knows too well
She wondered if she was meant to suffer forever
Trying to punish herself with each sip
Looking for God in the spilled drink on the floor
getting high to be closer to heaven
She would never tell you about the forced submission
the stardust left behind
in place of her innocence
She knows no one would believe her
so she believes in nothing

- Starlet

i always associated the colour scarlett with a brightness.
the love of valentines day or the blush filling one's cheeks on a chilly saturday.
scarlett meant life to me,
and i never thought it'd represent opposite.

scarlett was love.

scarlett was a heart shaped box of chocolates,
the sparkle of fireworks,
a can of cranberry sauce on thanksgiving day.

scarlett was optimism.

scarlett was a thank you card,
a bright balloon at a birthday celebration,
or the painted lips of a woman on a first date.

scarlett was never meant to be pain.

scarlett wasn't meant to be a sharp bracelet of numbness,
a sleeve of anger that melted into the floor,
or the cold emptiness that accompanied silver.

scarlett wasn never meant to be anger.

scarlett wasn't meant to be the screaming i hear in my head at night,
the holes in the door,
or the deep stain of aggression falling against my knuckles.

the first syllable seems to fit too well nowadays.

Waking up next to you, and what do I see?
A smirk and a kiss, coming from someone happy
Your eyes cloudy from all of that dreaming
But clearly there's things between the lines
That I'm not reading

I have been questioned if I knew the person I loved
And I have answered yes, with such confidence
With a smile that could break boundaries, but apparently ignorant
How could I not know the other half of myself? My dearest friend?
But I see your scriptures, your withering sentiment
There are things I do not know yet

I have tried to crack open the skull and see what's inside
I wonder how much truth all find, and see how many lies have been fed to me
I could just live in ignorance, continue to think I know and live so easily
I have given life times of love
But is it enough?
Oh, maybe the lies just please me
But there are things in between the lines of your poetry that I am not reading

The insides of you may only be a stranger, I only know the paths of your skin
And the corners of your smile, and the symphony of laughter
I will continue to be on the outside, circulating my way in, but always meet a guard at the door
Pointing me the other way, from the person I adore
And who is that? I do not know anymore.
It is you, but who are you?

So many demons of yours that I have never been introduced too.
I thought my empathy and my heart had a couple of uses
Maybe I want you hold you, and kiss your bruises
Maybe I want you to take me down the dark hallways, past the guards and the locks
To tell me about your drug uses, and all of your abuses

But you sprinkle me with stardust until I am stunned
Keep me occupied with your words and your tongue
Keep me sleeping, 12 hours around the clock, over time
Keep me from reading in between the ******* lines

It's funny how society shows us how to opress

The depressed teens and adults of this generation.

“It’s just a phase”

“I had it worse when i was a child”

“Attention seeking liar”

“Get over it”

But maybe i can’t get over it.

Depression turned my once happy stream of joyful thoughts

Into a rainy, dark pit of sadness.

A pit only to be filled with

Helplessness, insomnia, self-destruction, and a little madness.

This illness has broken me

I feel like I have to carry the burden of darkness on my shoulder

And each time I try to get better, I regress.

The only way to repress my feelings is to let

Niagara Falls drip from wrists, to my stomach, to my hips, & to my thighs

And hide it with a mouthful of lies

My inner demons gained control over my brain,

Bringing me so much pain that it became hard to do anything.

Even eating became a chore

Because it was hard to eat when I can’t even look in the mirror without fear

Of the Image standing in front of me.

Ugly, worthless, stupid

You don’t even have the drive to stay alive,

So why care about yourself or your health?

You’re better off dead.

But of course, it was all in my head, so no one understood.

No one understood that i stayed up til 4 in the morning

Having a mental breakdown, with death on my mind.

I just wish someone could reach behind my mask and find the real me

The sad me

The broken me

The mentally drained me

The me that has been drowning in my own darkness for years now

****** thoughts keeping me confined
Enter inside lets see what you can find
Plenty of negativity always haunts my mind
Repressed memories about mistakes
Emotions I can't express because of the stakes
****** thoughts roam amuck with no breaks
Starting to wonder what inside me is broke
Is it I or is it life that's the joke
Ostracized by myself that's irony
Not even wanted by myself I should fire me

who am I suppose to be?
what did I do to deserve this?
lost childhood do to your hands.
you came into my bedroom, full intentions
to cause destruction.
why did you choose me?
a seven year old
who dressed in pink and wore flower crowns?
I guess your were a monster who fed
off the pain.
three years.
I suffered for three years.
you don't care, you never did.
I use to call you family.
but now you are just Anthony.