you want
to keep
us a hush
because
you don't
want anyone
to know that
you're with me

you make it
pretty clear
when you
cunningly
follow me
like a shadow
so much alive
but not noticed

you're careful
when you're
with me
in case i might
blow up
but i don't
let my feelings
out because
i know
i will
lose you
if i did

i'm frightened
without you
because in
some wicked
way you make
me feel loved,
in some sick
way i feel happy,
in a sinners way
you make me
feel alive

the truth is
that i'm an
object to
you,
i'm just someone
who you can come
to and look for my
attention

and i'm
always dumb
enough to
give it
to you
i'm so dumb
to want you
i'm so dumb
to accept you
i'm so dumb
that i can't
let you go

you say
we're just
lovers
passing our
time,
i wish i
could call
you mine

you won't
make the
first move
then
i'd have
to prove
what you
really mean
to me

still, i know
you'll leave
me alone
and how
can i be
a lover
without
your love?

i'll help but you never tell me what's wrong

how about giving me a little hint?

we don't even realize
how quick like
a sharp breath,
a lunge in the ocean,
a ***** of a needle,
a shot of lightening,
is how fast our
lives boil with our
deeds

suppose you've done
all that you've wanted,
but are you ready to
go to sleep?

you're here, but not here

it's better if
i don't speak
because
whatever words
come out of my
mouth, you'd
still be angry
with me

i know it's bad to hold on but i just miss your company.

i don't think i miss you like i used to, maybe it's just the friendship i want now, the conversations we had and how happy i was.

i miss me.

how silly it is to say that
i love you from afar
because hearts like
ours never attract
but they can collide
and pause for just
a breathing second
as we get a glimpse
of love for the first time

please don't
come to me
when you're
feeling lonely
but instead
come to me
when you
feel happy,
alive and free

my bestfriends
or my family
would probably
never see this
but i just
wanted to
let you know
that you are the stars,
you guys shine through
even in the darkest
situations

thank you

these days
if a man is
respectful,
caring and
brings his girl
always above
everything
is a luxury

but what
people in
this century
forgot is that
it should be
a standard

if only
the walls
were thicker
and then
i wouldn't
be able
to hear
my parents
fighting

if only
the walls
were thicker
so when
i'm talking
to my
bestfriends
over the phone,
they won't
ask what's
going on

if only
the walls
were thicker
and then
i wouldn't
have to tell
them it's
nothing

if only the
walls were
thicker
and then i'd
be able
to lie down
on my bed
not thinking
about what's
going on but
focusing on
myself
and my studies

if only
the walls
were thicker
so i could
sleep at
night
without
having to
hear them
all the time

if only the
walls were
thicker
so i could
close my
eyes,
even for
a second

if only
it were true
that everything
was fine

but now
i'm
listening to
their arguments
as a lullaby to
fall asleep

it hurts
a little
whenever
they compare
me to my
sister

i know she's
artistic
and can float
her brush on
her canvas,
she fills it
with colors
and shapes
that i wish
maybe i could
do something
like that as well
she's got a way
with her words
that make me
feel poisoned
if only i was
as good as her
with her brush
and her practice
if only i
mastered that too
but i grew up
too soon

yet here i am
painting as well
but my canvas
is black and white
my canvas
is the same shapes
repeating on and on
my canvas is forbidden
and unheard of to
my parents
my canvas isn't dead
but its alive,
breathing and swelling
she walks out
of fire even if it hurts
she might burn down
as she goes but
she's the best power
that i know
and just because
no one knows about
my art
it doesn't make
it any less special
because my
art is for
myself

what's the point of building friendships if all they do is knock you down?

they say
if you let
people know
then they'd
understand
but i'm sure
that you
don't want to
know about
the devil
in me.

you make
falling in
love seem
holy
so bless
me with
your
curse

"how much do i mean to you?"
you asked that in front of everyone,
acting so full of yourself, brave and proud

and in that split moment my ribs caged
my heart captive, i held my breathe for
a minute, and my heart froze for a second

i took a sharp intake before i spoke those words:
"more than oxygen."

i hope you didn't notice that i lied.

there's something
about you
that makes me
wish that i
could have
the courage
and just say
'hi'

don't give me
broken pieces
to pick up as
you go because
i'm not a mender
and i can't heal
these scars

you push
me down
but i
don't brush
that weight
away
i don't brush
your words
away

but instead
i climb onto
them
instead of
falling down
i rise
higher than
before
because nothing
you'll ever do
matters
to me.

at least not anymore

i will love myself forever, i promise.

hour long calls
hour long messaging
hour long giggles

minutes long stories
minutes long for a few words
minutes long for being scared, afraid and desperate

seconds long for three words
seconds long for saying sorry
seconds long for a bye

and a fraction of a memory

i want to clean
up
     this
            mess
                      and  
            start
        a
new
         page
                   but
                           they
                   say
          art
is
         when
                    you
                             feel
                     the
           most
naked
           most
                     vulnerable
           most
broken
             but  
                     if
                            i
                   pick
           up
my
        my
                shards
                               then
                      i'll
           just
bleed
          with
                    ichor
                               and
                     red
           wine
hues
           that
                     reach
                                  up
                      down
          below
on
        the
                 doorsteps
                                     of
                      death
         just
                  dropping
                                        by
                             to
               say
hello.

i sat silently in the auditorium
my hands clammed up in a fist
their voices echoed in the room
but none to reach me

i sat scared in the auditorium
they gathered in groups
turned round to stare
and all i could do was look away

i sat idle in the auditorium
they would think that i’m
mute like a ghost, dead or gone
walking right through me

i sat praying in the auditorium
my feet nervously tapping
my voice quivering when
i asked the girl beside me
a simple question,
thank god she answered

i sit alone in the auditorium
this room has held my voice captive
my confidence has been stolen
and yet my heart pounds every
split second but you still
cant hear me?

i hope i'm not the only one who thinks about you.
do you even remember me?

you don't know me

i'm quiet on the
outside
but on the inside
i'm screaming

you're always so close yet so far
i'm tired of bending backwards for you
i'm sick of swimming across to you
i'm frustrated by waiting for you for hours
don't come and find me,
i'm no longer yours

i always
dream
about
things
that i
want to be,
want to do,
want to say,
but when
i get
the chance
i don't
take it
i get
scared
thinking
what
everyone
else is
going to
think.

i'm sure
that i
could
become
stronger
if i
just wasn't
a coward.

maybe
            just
                   maybe,
                                we
                                       will
                                                be.

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to how i
feel than
to what you
want to do
today

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to what i
want to
eat instead
of having
what you
feel like
having

i'd like to
pay more
attention
to the
clothes that
i want to
wear, instead
of pulling on
the ones
you choose
for me

i'd like to
pay more
attention
as i live
and love
with myself
instead of
giving my
best to you
without
thinking about
me

so call me
selfish
if you must
but is it
a crime to
pay attention
to myself?

they say
to be
the best
you
that you
can be
and that
every
single day
is a new
beginning

but what
they don't
know is
that i've
ran out
of re-spawns
i ran out
of lives,
i'm on
my last
one
and no matter
what day,
what hour,
or what minute
i will
always
be the same
me.

if only
words
didn't break
us apart
but you're
more
for action
and a little
more of heart

please be
quiet as
you trace
my skin
because
i'm afraid
it would
wake me up
from this dream,

don't say
a word
when
you smile
at me because
that pretty
little mouth
will ruin
the moment,

don't say
you love me
because
i can't even
love myself
and what
kind of human
am i if i cant?

please don't
leave me
even if i don't
make my mind up
but when i'm
with you even
if i won't say the
words,

i feel them
vibrating
in my bones,
swirling around
my veins in
golden ichor,
filling my
rib cage
with a garden
of hope,
wishing that i
can  nurture it
but my garden
is full of
weeds
and when
i pick up
one it
starts to
double,

i haven't
got a
green thumb
but thank God
you do.

it's kind
of scary
how people
take me more
seriously
online
than in
real life

you
lift me
up with you
and you take
me to heavens
where no one
has explored

and you show me
the universe
and it's end
oh how much
i'd love to
fly with you
again,

with those
majestic wings
that are
so powerful
that all
the mortals
stop and wonder
what creature
fell to us,
in this hell
down below

and we
all look
up towards the
heavens
and see you,

blocking the sunlight
from us,
giving us shade
from this heat
we thought maybe
you'd watch over us,
cool us down
and guard us

but your
wings are
wings of
the devil.

there used to be
a time in which
i didn't pour myself
into my poems
but everything
changed when
i felt my first
betrayal,
sadness
and anxiety

as time went by
i spent countless
hours, focusing on
miniature poems in my
mind and actually
having the courage
to post some of them,
that was the moment
that was worth
living and existing for.

my poems have been my best therapy

how
amazing
it would be
if you said
"i love you"
because that
would mean so
much more
than this silence

you make
me feel
like a sinner
because
loving you
is like
falling
in love
with the
devil.

it's hard
to read
you
through
your eyes
because you
keep them
stormy and
void of any
emotion,
dark and
bitter,
almost keeps
me up at
nights,
trying to
remember
the bridge
of your nose,
the shape of
your eyebrow
and your grey
eyes,
nothing
crosses over
your face
except
a tiny snarl
that slips past
your lips,
if only
i knew
how you felt
when i
told you
i loved you.

i love it
how you
gently
run your fingers
along my body
as if i'm a canvas
and you're painting me
in red love,
orange trust,
yellow happiness,
green jealousy,
blue euphoria,
and purple
like royalty,
you stare at
me like i'm
worth looking
at, like i'm art,
oh how you carefully,
run your fingers on
my cheek and
whisper to me
ever so softly
"i love you."
but you're
just the paintbrush,
and you're
going to be
finish
this
masterpiece.

you faintly
smell like
coffee and
you keep
me up
all night,
thinking
of what we
could've been,
i can't focus
because
all i
ever
think about
is you,
the way
you laugh
the way
you smile
they way
your eyes
light up as
you see her.
i'll wait,
and until then
i'll be sipping
on some
strong
coffee,
trying to get
you
out
of my
system.

next time
when you
tell me
that you
love me.
don't look
at the ground,
your hands
your shoes
or at the sky
but next time
tell me
that i mean
the most
to you
with no
limits
no boundaries
no buts
in between.
next time
look at me,
at my face,
through my eyes
and smile at me
like you
sometimes do
with happiness.
because seeing you
makes me
feel
happy.

please
don't be a
afraid
when i
really
tell you
that the
only art
i do,
is red
and golden,
carved deep
inside of me
but not a
blade but
with your
words,
i chant
them to
myself
like a
sick prayer.

do you feel this love?
where i
can't sleep
but instead
i'm dreaming
about you
in a hazy way,
and how maybe
you might be doing
the same as me
or maybe i stare at the
ceiling and these four walls
feeling like you know
how much i miss you even though
i just saw you a few hours ago
even though it felt like forever,
is this love?
when i can't eat
but not that i'm not hungry
but because i wan't to be like the girls
you like who are skinny and polite,
not loud and who eat a lot,
but i know it's for a good cause
because in the end,
i get you.
is this love?
when you tell me what to wear
or get mad if i say something to your friends
or if any one of them get close to me,
my friends would say you're being protective
but there's something different,
something that's more possessive
and that something
scares me.
oh pray,
please do tell me,
is this love
that we're dealing with?

i love you
or maybe
i love the
idea
of being
in love
with you.
knowing
that maybe
in some
world
we could
change the
past
and i
could call
you mine
even if
the gods
are against it.
even if
you've got
your eyes
on her
and i
can't ever
be her.
because i'm
not as
smart as her,
as pretty as her,
as funny as her,
i wish
you'd know
that maybe
there's something
in me that she
doesn't have.
even if
maybe we
never meet
i will
always know
that you're out there
somehow,
waiting for me
and feeling the same
way like me.
as if i'm missing
something special,
a part of me,
that's in you.