Jeju - Hello Poetry

Jeju Apr 28

i told myself i'd move on once you did.
and you're in love now,
and i still think about you and what we used to be.
it's been three years.
i can't move on because i told you i'd never break our promises.
how was it so easy for you to break them?
when i'm still holding onto the memories of us?
i don't want you back though.
but i still love you.

evie

Jeju Apr 28

i don't recognize myself

i'm not sure how it started.
maybe i was bored
or maybe i finally started getting guys to notice me.
the pictures, my way with words, my honesty--
that's what they loved most about me,
and i kept doing it.
until it became too much and i fell in love.
but it was fake.
i started over again and i repeated the same things,
only this time things were different;
the pictures became better, sluttier,
my way with words became more convincing,
and my honesty turned into lies.
and now the second guy is gone and i'm left with the others waiting for me to reply back to their messages.
i don't know if i want this anymore.
i don't know who i am.
i don't recognize myself.

why would u do this to yourself

Jeju Mar 4

i'll survive without love from you

living without you felt like a nightmare to me.
it was a nightmare that i didn't get to wake up to a mother's love and comfort in the mornings,
or even when i would sleep at night.
but now living with you,
i realize the only nightmare i'll ever live with
is the fact that you blame me for the way your life ended to be like.
but i'd rather carry your burdens,
than have anyone else do.
you are my mother,
and one day,
if not now,
or if not in this lifetime,
i hope you can say that you love me back too.

mom

Jeju Mar 4

try for them at least

it hurts worse as i get older.
i used to hold so much patience for you,
and i used to have control over my feelings.
but i've been carrying the pain for so long,
i'm starting to weaken in areas i used to carry strength.
you are my sickness,
the reason why i hurt,
and the reason why i can't breathe.
and i wish and hope so hard,
that you change for your other kids,
since you couldn't do it for me.

mom

Jeju Mar 4

what is love from a mother?

all this time
i tried to give you an excuse.
i tried to lie to myself
that you're just hurting too,
and you're trying your best.
i tell others you're a great mother to me,
and how lucky i am to have someone like you.
i mention how strong you are and how you're the strongest person i know.
i lie and i lie and i lie.
so that i don't have to face the reality
that you don't actually love me.
you see me as a stranger and want me out of your home.
you don't believe in me,
and i am no daughter to you.
how cruel a mother can be,
but you were never a mother to me.
i didn't grow up with a mother's love.
and even without a mother figure in my life,
i know **** well i won't be the kind of mother you were to me.
and i'll make sure my children don't grow up second guessing their mother's love,
like how i did with you.

to the person i'm supposed to call my "mother," but all she did was birth me.

Jeju Dec 2023

don't act like you know me---nobody knows me

nobody knows the real me.
the me that hurts, the me that hides, the me that cries alone, the me that sacrifices, the me that cares.
but no one would understand me anyway,
hell i don't even understand myself.

Jeju Dec 2023

angst

i used to think i was suffocating inside of a deep green forest where all i could see were pine trees, gloomy fogs and different paths to take.
sometimes i felt like i was in the bottom of an ocean suffocating and drowning in my sorrows as i let the water control my body.
other times i felt like i was suffocating in fire---in my childhood home that burned down.
i still feel like i'm suffocating now,
but i don't know whether it's the forest, the ocean, or the fire.
sometimes i believe i'm simply suffocating in the silence of my reality; who i am today, who i'm going to be tomorrow, and who i was yesterday.
i'm scared for what the future holds for me because the past took a part of my life that i will never forget and receive back.
i don't think i'm interested in living this life anymore because i barely survived the past, how will i survive the next?
i won't make it out this time.
i just know it.