ad·dic·tion
əˈdikSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.


Step back a second,
before you judge,
and let me tell you the facts,
of addiction to drugs.

People think it’s clear cut,
that you chose to be an addict.
That the bottle, or needle,
is just some kind of tick.

They don’t know the fear,
when you’re not in control.
When you’re crying, while using,
and it’s ripping you’re soul.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you start to hide it away.
It’s a secret, I’m fine,
just another day.

They can’t see the battle,
of you versus your mind.
When you’re scared you might die,
but you try to act fine.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you know that they know,
and they don’t say a thing,
as you watch their disappointment grow.

They don’t know you slept,
on the bathroom floor,
passed out from your drug,
because you shut the door.

They don’t see,
you pushing your sides.
Checking your organs,
hoping today you won’t die.

Your fingernails are pink,
thats healthy right?
You don’t have a problem,
your eyes are still bright.

Who are you fooling,
they see the weight loss.
They know somethings wrong,
but it’s a bridge they won’t cross.

Now your on your own,
fighting your own brain,
trying your best to stop,
but you’re going insane.

Your addiction has won,
and you still try to fight.
That’s what no one sees,
is that you never lost sight.

That voice in your head,
that person you used to be,
has been drowned out,
by that addictive personality.

You want to apologize,
to simply beg for help,
but the shame stops you,
because you just blame yourself.

You didn’t choose to be this,
and you wish to take it back,
but you don’t think they’ll believe you,
because they can’t see the cracks.

Please don’t judge me,
I don’t want this at all.
I wish you understood,
that I’m against the wall.

I want my life back,
I want it to go away.
I never wanted to disappoint,
I didn’t want to be afraid.

Help me.


If you are having addiction struggles, I urge you to contact the helpline 1-888-508-4193.  There is no shame in admitting you need help with something you cannot control. I wish the best for you all.

My breath disappears,
and my knees become weak.
You say that your sorry,
as these tears stream your cheeks.

Time suddenly stops,
and my breath will not come.
Standing here speechless,
broken and numb.

A moment in time,
that I will never forget.
The moment you left,
and filled my heart with regret.

My breath suddenly comes,
in short ragged strokes.
My eyes become blurry,
and burn as I choke.

You wipe away tears,
as you turn and walk away.
As i'm fighting for words,
for something to say.

I say the three words,
that echo in my mind.
I whisper "I love you",
the only words I can find.

You hesitate for a second,
and then keep walking on.
My heart slowly breaks,
and just like that you are gone.

A moment in time,
and a heart that won't mend.
The day that I lost you,
my true love, my best friend...

Today I woke up,
and I realized,
that I hadn’t been sleeping,
and was grief paralyzed.

All that had happened,
all the ****** up nightmares,
all the loathing and anguish,
were all laid out and bare.

It took me a second,
to finally find my breath,
and when I did, I screamed,
and simply wished for death.

Take it away,
the agony that I feel,
I cannot bear this,
there’s no way to heal.

There was no answer,
as I lay on the ground.
No yes or no,
absolutely no sound.

I finally thought,
enough is enough.
I’ll fix it myself,
all the things I ****** up.

But before I do,
I’ll fix myself,
because you can’t fix what’s broken,
with something broken itself.

Today I start with me,
and I took a footstep.
One followed another,
even though I still wept.

I never looked back,
so I didn’t see,
what I left behind,
on the ground, was me.

What is that sound?
tick tick, tick tock.
It’s really quite odd,
I don’t own a clock.

It’s ninety one past thirteen,
wait, that can’t be right.
Time for another pill,
medicinal light.

Just smile, and nod,
until your cheeks hurt.
Now laugh, pull it back,
compliment their new shirt.

It’s orange, no it’s red,
**** what is that hue?
What do you mean it’s white?
It’s ******* pastel blue.

Now throw out a joke,
and some proper context.
Good job, you failed,
like an impotent sext.

You’re talking too loud,
oh Jesus, shut up.
How much have you drank?
Really? One cup?!

Finger guns now,
and a smooth exit we go.
Ya that wasn’t awkward,
you nailed it, fo sho.

The colors are back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness is better,
as well as the fear.

I was wandering,
just floating along.
I was going through the motions,
acting like nothing was wrong.

I had given up,
and I can see that now.
I knew I could get better,
I just didn’t know how.

So I wandered, and I walked,
down paths to nowhere,
looking for something,
that wasn’t quite clear.

You were the light,
when the world became dark,
when I wanted to give up,
I would see your spark.

So I kept on going,
searching for you,
wondering if you were real,
but I hadn’t a clue.

Your light became brighter,
the closer I got,
and soon I was running,
towards that tiny dot.

The colors came back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness got better,
as well as the fear.

Suddenly you were there,
and that’s when I knew.
You were my beacon,
but I was yours too.

We were wandering lost,
trying to find some hope,
seeing each other,
at the ends of our ropes.

So let’s light up the world,
that we create.
We can do it together,
before it’s too late.

“I don’t know what to do”,
she says quietly.
“I know it sounds paranoid,
but he’s following me.”

“I talked to his sister,
she said he’s out of state.
Supposedly in Ohio,
cause he needed a break.”

“But no one’s heard from him,
since I got the P.O.
He always said they were useless,
just false safety for show.”

“Well of course he isn’t,
he left this last night.
He has the only spare key,
and I know I locked up tight.”

“I’ve never seen that picture,
but I still have that dress.
He bought it for me,
and it’s the one he liked best.”

“But turn it over,
and look what he wrote.
It’s ******* filthy,
that part about *******.”

“I’m just really scared,
because I know he’s watching.
I constantly have the feeling,
someone’s following me.”

“Would you do me a favor,
and stay with me tonight?
I probably won’t sleep,
but if you’re there I might.”

“Thank you so much,
you are such a great friend.
Just having a man there,
makes a difference in the end.”

“I’ll see you tonight,
thank you so much again.
He always hated you,
even though we’re just friends.”
.
.
.
.
I watch out the window,
as she climbs in her car.
She doesn’t suspect it’s me,
at least not so far.

She didn’t ask why I was sweating,
or see the dirt under my nails.
Thank God she was upset,
and didn’t notice the smell.

I keep watching,
till she drives away,
touching myself,
as I play out the day.

She was right about one thing,
he’s still around,
but he won’t leave my basement,
once he’s in the ground.

Maybe I’ll get lucky,
and she’ll wear the dress.
He did have good taste,
cause it’s the one I liked best.

Just ******* bleh.
****.

You struggle to stand,
hell you struggle to sit.
You give everything you have,
but it’s the bottom of the pit.

And then comes the point,
when you simply lay back.
You stare at the ceiling,
And you simply lose track.

Of the hours, the days, yourself,
and your loves.
You wish it would just simply end,
and you pray to above.

“God, I am broken,
and I think it went far enough.”
“I know that it’s shameful,
but I simply can’t get up.”

I know you could heal me,
and fix me if you try,
but the damage is done,
so please let me die.

Let my dad remember,
his son before this,
and let my momma remember,
her little boys kiss.

Let my son remember,
the daddy I was,
his best friend and hero,
who towered above.

I’m just tired right now,
of trudging through hell,
and I try to stand up,
but there’s nothing left in the well.

I’m so tired, so tired,
so it’s now in your hands,
either leave me on this floor,
or help me to stand.

If you leave me, then I’ll understand,
I’ll understand that you did what you can.
Just promise me this, and then I’ll give up,
please sure my son turns into a good man.

Thank you

Why is it so hard,
to simply let you go?
It feels like you just left,
but that was three years ago.

How can it still hurt,
after all of that time?
I’m so far from ok,
even though I say I’m fine.

I miss so many things,
that you brought to my life.
I miss your laughter and smiles,
and calling you my wife.

I miss running my fingers,
through your ***** blonde hair.
I miss being happy,
it’s just simply not fair.

Now the person I am,
has changed so ******* much.
Now I just go through the motions,
of living and such.

I try to be angry,
and hide behind hate.
I try to rhyme you away,
but the pain won’t abate.

I just really miss you,
and I just don’t feel whole.
You took my heart when you left,
but you also took my soul.

You were, and still are,
everything to me.
Now I love you from afar,
and that’s how it has to be.

Maybe one day,
I’ll finally let go of you,
but not today,
today I don’t want to.

So I’ll see you tonight,
and in my daydreams today.
Maybe you see me too,
but if you don’t, it’s ok.

Coming Home

I stop and I stare,
and I can't help but grin.
At my beautiful angels,
i've come home to again.

I can see in your eyes,
your true love for me.
And in our daughters smile,
that she thinks I can't see.

My family, my loves,
and my two dreams come true.
The best part of my day,
is coming back home to you.

I wait and I wait,
to see my best friend.
For this perfect moment,
that I wish wouldn't end.

I take you in my arms,
and I breathe a deep sigh.
This is what I was missing,
since we said our goodbyes.

I run my hand up your chin,
and pull you in for a kiss.
then I kiss your forehead,
but you trip and I miss.

We both start to laugh,
and the moment has passed.
But we don't seem to care,
cause we're together at last.

True love at it's finest,
and a family as one.
Smiling together,
and always having fun.

My two little ladies,
the ones I adore.
The girls that I love,
and the ones I'd die for....


My eyes flutter open,
and my chest starts to heave.
You were there for a moment,
why did you leave?

I bring my hands to my face,
and sob at the scars.
I scream myself hoarse,
until I start to see stars.

I look to the left,
at the empty bottle of pills.
It wasn’t enough,
not enough to ****.

I shut my eyes tight,
and curl into a ball,
and hold onto the memory,
that was a dream after all.

I sidestep the smoke,
and I walk to the edge.
I take in the sight,
from this small little ledge.

My thoughts are now racing,
and reaching for reason,
but with too many to count,
my heartbeats increasing.

This last years been so hard,
and I just can't go on.
I've lost faith in all things,
now that your gone.

Tell my mom that I love her,
and tell dad not to cry.
Tell Jen to be strong,
and tell Lili goodbye.

Tell Greg that I’m proud,
of all that he's done,
and tell him I’m sorry,
but this had to be done.

I take one last breath,
as these tears stream my cheeks,
and I curse at myself,
for being selfish and weak.

I take my last step,
and as I fall to my death.
I wake up in bed,
catching my breath.

“Try to be happy,
You shouldn’t be sad.”
Don’t you think I know that?
It’s what drives me mad.

“Just stop thinking about it,
and let go of the past.”
It all seems so simple,
but I can’t make it last.

“It’s mind over matter,
just think positive.”
Like I’m in control,
of my thought narrative.

“I used to be depressed,
so trust me you’re fine.”
Suicidal thoughts,
and remorse intertwine.

“Just call me up,
I’m here whenever you need.”
I called three times today,
and sent texts you didn’t read.

“Don’t do something stupid,
because it would crush everyone.”
Thing is I don’t want to,
but this weight feels like a ton.

I’ve said all these things,
to people before.
I didn’t understand depression,
or drowning on the shore.

It’s losing the light,
that others can see,
and drowning in darkness,
and you cannot get free.

It’s anxiety and shame,
of being a burden.
It’s struggling to breathe,
but that next breath’s not certain.

You cry out for help,
for what you don’t understand,
and you sink ever deeper,
in depressions quicksand.

I’m sorry for everything,
for becoming this way.
just know you’ll never fix me,
with words that you say.

I’ll stick around,
for as long as I can.
Know I’m trying my best,
to find the light again.

If I gave you a knife,
and asked you to cut,
would you do it I wonder,
and if so, how much?

slash

Would you hesitate?
Would your mind suddenly freeze?
Or would you take pleasure,
in bringing me to my knees?

slash

Would the sight of my blood,
shock you enough to quit?
Would the sight of the scars,
make you loosen your grip?

slash

Would the simple knowledge,
of those scars frighten you?
When you realized,
they were both old an new?

slash

Would the memories pour in,
of holding the same knife askew?
Memories of cutting,
when I didn’t ask you to.

slash

Would your anger, and hatred,
suddenly melt away?
When you realized I was ASKING,
for you to cut me this way.

slash

Would you finally break down,
when you could hear my words?
“I am sorry, I deserve this”,
over and over whispered.

slash

Would you take me in your arms,
and try to soothe me?
I’d like to believe you would,
if you could only see.

slash

I’ll allow you to cut me,
because it’s what I earned.
I just wish you would stop,
or at least show concern.

slash........
*thud

The damage is done,
I’ve accepted that.
I want to retrace,
but there’s no going back.

Can you be so damaged,
that there’s no going back?
I wonder that point,
till my brain starts to slack.

I try to be normal,
to socialize and such.
I don’t remember how,
this is all just too much.

I’ll crawl back in my cave,
and settle down deep.
Yes I do hear you,
but my attention don’t seep.

I am lost,
now forget me.
Your trials are done.
Forget my struggle,
I am fine just as one.

I’m better off,
this way you know.
Move on and forget me,
you’re welcome for the show.

Sometimes I create daydreams,
with nothing omitted,
and if others could see,
then I would be committed.

Daydreams of the pain,
that I’d make you endure,
till you begged me to stop,
as you writhe on the floor.

Dreams of carving “bad mommy”,
into your forehead,
so that your always reminded,
even if I’m dead.

Dreams of hurting him,
for what he’s done to our son,
you never lifting a finger to stop,
not ******* one.

Using me like you did,
like I wasn’t even real,
like I wasn’t a person,
or a human that could feel.

Seven years we’re together,
raising your daughter as mine.
You say you never loved me,
you faked it the whole time?

You only stayed,
because you were pregnant with bub?
In seven ******* years,
you couldn’t find something to love?!

You didn’t want to be,
a single mom of two?!
So you cheated with him?!
Well **** him, and *******!

Now I know the truth,
I know how you got that raise,
it wasn’t just him,
you ****** the entire place.

All of that I could forgive,
but he treats our son like ****,
and you just let it happen,
and I’ll never forget.

He knows that I’ll **** him,
if he ever lays a hand,
but it’s coming to a head,
and I’m about to ******* stand.

He’s all I got left,
you took all the rest,
and he’s the reason I’m here,
why my heart beats in my chest.

I wanted our son,
the moment I knew he was conceived,
and when he was born healthy,
I was so ******* relieved.

So you better pray,
that he doesn’t hurt bub,
because I’m one step from insanity,
all I need is a shove.

You ruined my life,
so you better take care of our sons’,
because my daydreams are vivid,
and I’m dying to try one.

Today I’ll ponder,
on these scars.
Tonight I’ll wish,
upon a star.

Tomorrow may bring,
another wound,
but wounds can heal,
if treated soon.

Yesterday,
I thought of death,
and felt the wind,
sigh with his breath.

Not today,
he whispered clear,
perhaps tomorrow,
but do not fear.

In the end,
he comes to all.
The weak, the strong,
the big and small.

He’s timeless and constant,
Death’s always “been”,
and he has no pity,
foe or friend.

He’ll lead me on,
to the unknown,
giving me the thing,
he can never own.

So I will not fear him,
and I shall not fret.
For tomorrow,
has not happened yet.

Staring at the ceiling,
what the hell is this feeling?
I can’t make up my mind,
of what’s real and what’s fake.

If I’m not dreaming,
then who is that screaming?
No one seems to hear it,
so that’s a mistake.

In front of the mirror,
and all I see is me,
but the me that I see,
is not who he seems to be.

Something’s not right,
in the little details,
in the colors and smells,
this is not re-al-i-ty.

I can see movement,
in the corner of my eyes,
something alive,
that’s not there when I look.

It’s like I’m in between worlds,
where time doesn’t exist,
the soundless abyss,
being dragged down by a hook.

This detox is different,
something is wrong,
I knew all along,
but that brings no relief.

This panic, is manic,
now I’m feeling frantic,
how can a person,
forget to breathe?

It’s feels like the weight,
on my shoulders has lifted,
but it’s only shifted,
and been placed on my chest.

My mind has grown muddy,
and I got nothing left,
fighting and struggling,
for every breath.

Clutching at myself,
as the tremors start.
Is it my heart?
Bring in the crash cart.

I hear someone say,
“place this under your tongue,
let it dissolve and don’t chew”,
but my tongue has gone numb.

I watch the walls bend,
and then I start to scream.
I’d like to believe it’s a dream,
but I’m not that dumb.

I can hear ambulance sirens,
so distant, and close,
but I’ve gone morose,
all I feel is the pain.

Houston, are you there?
All connections are down,
I can’t hear a sound,
I think I’ve gone insane.

This anxiety,
is making me anxious.
Feeding itself,
until it becomes dangerous.

It’s PTSD,
of some varying degree.
Each startup and failure,
taking its toll on me.

The inability to remember,
the pain and the fear.
Forgetting the scars,
that should be so clear.

The voice in your head,
reassuring you.
Saying this time will be different,
when you know it’s not true.

Louder and louder,
till it starts to scream.
Your anxiety grows,
and splits at the seam.

Then you give in,
letting go at last.
The voice takes control,
and repeats the past.

Another, another!!
It screams in a growl.
More, more!!
A predator on the prowl.

Then it is gone,
and you’re just floating there.
Trying to make sense of things,
trying to be aware.

Then it all crashes down,
and you’re drowning in hate.
You’re full of self loathing,
and memories that exacerbate.

Now the long road ahead,
seems to have no end.
Your chest hurts so bad,
and the tremors set in.

You can’t eat or sleep,
so you traumatize your brain.
You’re scared you might die,
but you’re more scared of the pain.

Four days and you’re better,
but the memories end.
Then that tiny voice,
starts to whisper again.

Over and over,
rinse and repeat.
Slowly killing yourself,
for a small fix of heat.

This lack of emotion,
is what has shaped me.
It’s made me seem cold,
but I’m not what you see.

First funeral at thirteen,
one of my dads good friends.
Stabbed by his stepson,
such a horrible end.

Next year it got worse,
that’s when grandma died.
I remember the funeral,
and forcing myself not to cry.

Then two weeks later,
my dads best friends heart quit.
I held back the tears,
trying hard to control it.

Then six months later,
they found my grandpa.
Loaded gun in his hand,
his memories on the wall.

I started to crack,
but didn’t let it show.
I had to be strong,
so that no one would know.

Then three months later,
my uncle died.
I tried to control it,
but finally broke down and cried.

Running away,
till my dad caught me by the hand.
Then saying I was sorry,
when I could barely stand.

I didn’t want them to worry,
when they were hurting so much.
But it finally broke me,
my fathers touch.

I wept in his arms,
and could feel his tears on my cheek.
He was trying to comfort,
and I was ashamed to be weak.

The moment I saw,
my sweet uncles face,
something broke inside me,
that I had kept at bay.

I still cannot think,
about that without tears.
It breaks me every time,
even after all of these years.

So if I seem distant,
then I apologize.
Just know that I’m weeping,
it’s just on the inside.

An unordered chaos,
of catastrophic events.
Trying to find all the pieces,
and glue them back into sense.

But what if some of the pieces,
can never be found?
You're scraping the bottom,
but only digging the ground.

What if all of the voices,
that shout in your head,
never shut up,
but grow louder instead?

What if someone should notice,
that your smile is fake,
and is just a bit manic,
like a clown at a wake?

You ***** for the answers,
but the answers aren't there.
You tell everyone you're fine,
and pretend you don't care.

But then you're alone,
and the darkness creeps in.
The voices start whispering,
and you want to give in.

It's deeper than pain,
and it tears you apart.
It drives you insane,
and rips through your heart.

You can't catch your breath,
no matter how hard you try.
Like you're climbing a mountain,
and almost touching the sky.

So much blame, and shame,
infecting your thoughts.
So many memories tainted,
of the life that you sought.

It's a ruin, a wreckage,
and all you can do,
is try to stay afloat,
and pray for rescue.

These emotional pills,
are too hard to swallow.
I keep forcing them down,
against all my will.
Now I’m choking to death,
and you want to know how I feel?!

Damage upon damage,
that’s covered up with fresh paint.
But the layers are peeling,
showing fresh wounds of feelings,
you may think you’re in love,
but I know that you ain’t.

So don’t get to know me,
because there’s no way you will see,
the person under the mask,
with the hollow, bloodshot eyes.
You may think you can reach me,
but you’ll just set me free,
because it’s just empty air,
where I used to be.

So just do us both a favor,
and keep, your who's, when’s, and why’s.
And I’ll let you imagine,
you didn’t see a disguise.

You came along,
and my heart did a double take.
I smile now,
and it doesn’t have to be fake.

Thank you.

Did you know that I used to melt at your smile?  That I used to be so overwhelmingly happy in planning little surprises and sweet things for you with just that smile as a repayment.

Did you know that I got so scared when that smile started to become less and less?  That I knew that something was wrong, and even though I was still trying to do those little things that I could see they didn’t mean as much to you.

Did you know that I always blamed myself for us growing apart?  That I would torture myself trying to find the reasons why you had become so distant and unhappy.

Did you know that when I lost you that I lost absolutely everything?  That I honestly felt like someone had taken the purpose of me and threw it away, and that my heart hurt so bad that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

Did you know how bad those words would hurt me when you said them.  That realizing that you never loved me, and that you used me to better your situation for seven years took every smile you gave me and turned it into an agony of falseness that I would never be able to escape from.

Do you know that I still love you?  That after everything, I still dream about you and lie awake at night after three years as a slideshow of you runs through my head.

Do you know that even if you never loved me, that you will always be my true love?

Do you know?

I asked you a question,
but you ignored what I said.
Choosing to belittle,
and ridicule instead.

Anything,
is better,
than nothing,
at all.

The question was serious,
and I know you knew that.
I shouldn’t have put it out there,
but now I can’t take it back.

I laid awake,
imagining your answer.
A million scenarios ran,
each one better.

I built it up,
like I always do.
The picket fence dream,
with the rocking chairs too.

What I didn’t expect,
was a change of subject.
I realize now,
that’s a form of reject.

I’m sorry for asking,
for putting you on the spot,
but you could have just told me,
instead, you did not.

Do you remember,
that day in September,
when we stood together,
in the pouring rain?

You told me you loved me,
but I could just not see,
how painful it could be,
three little words drove me insane.

I know better now,
and now I know how,
that sucker punch pow,
and unbearable strain.

I built “US” on those words,
and now that seems absurd,
because you left with no word,
no explanation, you abstained.

You opened my eyes,
to all of your lies,
you never said goodbye,
and that caused the most pain.

Paging Dr. Jekyll ,
he’s gotten lose again.
No, no casualties yet,
just a long trail of sin.

Yes, we understand,
control’s not the issue.
I think it’s time for drastic measures,
yes, you know what to do.

What do you mean,
he’s part of your mind?
It doesn’t matter at this point,
he’s too dangerous alive.

**** him dear friend,
or the blood’s on your hands.
He’s hurting people,
and that simply won’t stand.

He’s a monster, a freak,
you’re much better off.
There will be side affects,
but nothing’s gained without loss.

Hello? Dr. Jekyll?
Are you there? Is it done?
Oh God Dr. Jekyll,
what have you done?

Panting and moaning,
your breath in my ear.
Running my hands,
over fabric so sheer.
The touch of your skin,
so warm and smooth.
Exploring your curves.
and every groove.
You’re biting my lip,
while I pull your hair.
gasping and sweating,
but neither of us care.
Silky and soft,
my fingers explore.
You grind against me,
like waves in a shore.
Grabbing your hips,
you match my pace.
Kissing me deeply,
enjoying the taste.
Harder and harder,
both holding our breath.
The ****** finally comes,
as I’m deep in your depth.
You’re clawing and scratching,
your nails down my back,
and screaming my name,
begging me “please Jack”.
Now we’re breathing hard,
and you shudder under me.
Enjoying the moment,
of pure ecstasy.

My name is Elizabeth,
and you think you know me.
You've seen me every day,
since the year I turned three.

I am quiet, and reserved,
and smarter than most,
but my quiet demeanor,
turns me into a ghost.

I'm easily forgotten,
with all the ruckus and noise.
The laughing and shouting,
from the other girls and boys.

If I could speak up,
I'd tell you the truth.
I'd tell you he's lying,
about how I got this bruise.

If I wasn't so afraid,
to tell you my side,
then maybe you'd help me,
if you knew that he lied.

He says it's my fault,
that he has to teach me like this,
but I know better now,
that you don't teach with fists.

He teaches mommy too,
and she's afraid just like me,
but she still hides the marks,
so that no one will see.

I would love to make friends,
to run, laugh, and play.
But all the kids tease me,
for acting this way.

Maybe if you taught words,
like neglect, and abuse.
Then I'd know it was wrong,
and wouldn't be so confused.

But today I'll stay quiet,
just like mommy said.
Even though she was crying,
and her eyes were all red.

Daddy tells us he loves us,
that we're his princess, and queen.
But the brown bottle stuff,
makes him angry and mean.

Maybe if I took the brown bottle,
and poured it down the sink.
Then daddy would be happy,
and be able to think.

It won't hurt to try,
I'll do it after school.
Then maybe daddy can love us,
without being so cruel.

My name is Elizabeth,
and I stay out of sight.
I'm too scared to tell you,
but if you asked me, I might.

“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you.  You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.

“I could never forget it,” you say.

   We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.

“How long do we have?” I ask.

   You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes.  “Not long,” you say.

   I nod.

   I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh.  Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.

   “Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass.  You nod, and smile.  “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem.  I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”

   You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.

   “Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me.  So I said the only thing I could.  That you are everything to me.”

   You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls.  “It’s time to go,” you say.

   I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.

   “Goodbye my love,” I whisper.

   Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies away.

   You were everything to me. Everything.

“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you.  You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.

“I could never forget it,” you say.

   We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.

“How long do we have?” I ask.

   You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes.  “Not long,” you say.

   I nod.

   I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh.  Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.

   “Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass.  You nod, and smile.  “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem.  I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”

   You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.

   “Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me.  So I said the only thing I could.  You are everything to me.”

   You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls.  “It’s time to go,” you say.

   I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.

   “Goodbye my love,” I whisper.

   Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies.

   Everything.

I was arrogant and stupid,
while he put on the moves,
saying you deserved better,
now I know that was the truth.

I can see it now,
all the faults inside me.
It took me losing you,
for me to finally see.

I keep all your things,
tucked back in my closet,
hoping that you’ll come back,
but you won’t, and I caused it.

I took you for granted,
my hostage to fortune,
thinking you’d never leave,
you wouldn’t do that to our son.

Also, our daughter,
I helped raise since three.
It shames me to admit it,
but I thought you couldn’t do better than me.

Now it’s too late,
and you have moved on,
no matter what I say,
you will always be gone.

I’m sorry sweetheart,
for not being what you deserved.
I will love you forever,
even if you think that’s absurd.

This isn’t how,
I thought my life would be,
I thought we’d have our forever,
but that’s not reality.

There used to be a fire,
that burned inside of me.
I never had to tend it,
it had always just burned free.

It roared so fiercely,
and burned so ******* bright.
It kept me moving forward,
and broke the darkness with its light.

Then something started changing,
and the light began to dim.
The flames began to lessen,
and they never grew again.

Every day that passed,
the fire was less and less.
And the darkness creeped in,
making my direction a guess.

Then one day it flickered,
guttered, and died.
The darkness consumed me,
and I grew cold inside.

Now I just stumble,
trying to relight my flame.
But I can’t see where I’m going,
all this black looks the same.

I just need a spark,
to rekindle my soul.
And if I can’t find it,
then I’ll never be whole.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and my thoughts drift towards you.
Our first kiss, in what became “our” booth at “our” restaurant.
I was shy, scared to make the first move, scared of being rejected so my mouth ran away with itself, all the while my mind screaming at me to shut up.
I was looking into your eyes, thinking how beautiful they were, and rambling. Then, it happened. That click, that unmistakable sensation of tumblers falling into place somewhere inside of me as I watched you.
You kissed me.
It was electric, like a charge running through bare wire, and the world simply fell away. Nothing mattered except for your lips, and my hands in your hair, and the sweet sensation of those tumblers clicking into place.
I knew I loved you then.
I think about that, and then I wonder how it could have went so wrong. How could a moment, a feeling, as strong as that lead to this?
Love turning to bitterness, and hatred, and regret.
Then the dust settles, and it all boils away and the bad memories are the first to go. The memories of the fights, and the suspicions, and the stupid choices that were made.
Then you are left with the good memories, the memories that seem to cut you harder than anything else could because of the simplicity of them.
They are memories of the love, the looks, the trust, and they make you want to pick up your phone and send that simple “I’m sorry”....but you are too afraid.
That first kiss though, that was real. Those feelings were real, and that memory is worth the pain.
Our booth. Our restaurant.
Our love.

This is it,
the end of things.
The end of hope,
and the end of dreams.

Nothing is worth it,
no need to hold on.
The message is simple,
I need to get gone.

This pen on the paper,
is meaningless now.
I wish i could explain,
but I do not know how.

Meaning is fleeting,
and doesn't matter at all.
Nothing is there,
just a very long fall.

I'm sorry for this,
for the confusion and pain.
I've got nothing left,
and that drives me insane.

So no long goodbyes,
this is selfish I know.
I love you all dearly,
but it's time I should go.

Last night I saw a shooting star,
and it made me think of you.
Brilliant white, and trailing light,
against a sky of purple blue.

I wonder if you saw it,
and if it made you think of me.
I wonder if you smiled,
as it burned, and ceased to be.

I wonder if you made a wish,
and what that wish could be.
I know it's wishful thinking,
but did it involve me?

Sorry, I know, I'm just wondering,
you probably missed it anyways.
I'll  still hold on to my wish though,
of long forgotten days...

Today I saw a ghost,
and didn’t know just how to act.
I sat and stared, so unprepared,
for a fiction that’s a fact.

It came out of nowhere,
and caught me so off guard.
I froze in place, the look on my face,
both terrified and hard.

He should be dead, at least I thought,
he died so long ago.
So why the hell, for heavens sake,
should he now decide to show?

I buried him, with my own hands,
I scooped the dirt myself.
I didn’t want to, trust me now,
that chapter was on the shelf.

Mr. nice guy, oh so cool,
such an understanding guy.
If you only knew, that there were two,
then you would know just why.

Today I saw myself,
the part I thought had died.
Now I don’t know, just we’re he went,
but I wonder why he lied.

I’ve held onto this too long,
and it’s killing me inside.
The self-entitled *******,
that we selfishly call pride.

My every waking moment,
every irrational thought,
every time that I blamed others,
for what my decisions brought.

Ya I have a problem,
and everyone’s seen,
but that is no excuse,
for the way that I have been.

I’ve been a harborer of hate,
till my cup overflowed.
I invited hell in,
and if you knew me then it showed.

I shut myself off,
and told myself that no one cares.
I stopped worrying bout others,
and stayed out of their affairs.

I was selfish, and stupid,
thinking only of me,
till the poison turned inwards,
on the me I used to be.

I’ve never hated someone,
so much as what I’d become.
The hypocritical *******,
of all that I’d done.

I know it might be too late,
but I still have to try,
because if the poison remains,
then I’m going to die.

I can finally see clearly,
and maybe that’s fate.
Either way I’ll find out,
so goodbye hate.

It makes me feel nervous
You have that look in your eye
Oh what takes over
What is it that holds you tight

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh no one rips it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Ooooh, ooooh

Sometimes I join you
Let you wash over me
When we're in the darkness
Only the blind can see

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh I can rip it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

And can you shake it off
Ooh can you shake it off for me
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

What possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?

When you're in a half light
Oh it is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Can you shake it off?
Ooh can you shake it off for me?
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

Nooo, oooh

I crawl on all fours,
as the darkness descends.
The only light left,
seems to waver and bend.

My hands are on fire,
and so is the floor.
I can see the orange glow,
as it burns at the core.

There is no rhyme or reason,
no discernable flow.
I start to crawl faster,
but I don’t know where to go.

My eyes start to throb,
as my head starts to pound.
Something runs from my mouth,
and drips to the ground.

The copperish taste,
tells me it’s my blood,
and I fall on my side,
with a sickening thud.

I stare into darkness,
and wait for the end,
but down here in the pits,
it’s how each day begins.

They take your memories,
in the beginning at least.
So that each day is as scary,
as the first brutal feast.

Ripping and tearing,
they eat you alive.
Till there’s nothing but bone,
and you wish you could die.

Then it starts over,
and you're crawling again.
Trying to get away,
as the darkness descends.

They gave back my memory,
so I’ll remember the pain.
So I’ll remember the sounds,
that drive me insane.

My side starts to blister,
but the worst has not begun.
I can see all their shadows,
as the beasts start to come.

Ripping and shredding,
my flesh breaks away.
I beg them to stop,
but they do not obey.

An eternity of torture,
is what’s in store for me.
Imagining the teeth,
that I’ll never see.

Listen to my story,
and you might think twice before,
you proceed to judge me,
and show me to the door.

If you only knew the fear,
and the courage this took,
maybe then you would listen,
and give me a second look.

An alcoholic father,
who puts his hands on me,
is what I come home to,
everyday at three-fifteen.

A mother who blames me,
for the abuse that I recieve.
Never raising a finger,
to pack me up and leave.

A day full of insults,
as I walk through the halls,
and a foot in the aisles,
and laughter when I fall.

I never learned morals,
through all of my abuse,
nor the love of a parent,
so what is your excuse?

Does it make you feel better,
to make me feel small?
To just keep on pushing,
until I break down and bawl.

I never asked for this life,
for this heartache and shame.
I have enough problems,
without being your game.

I can cover up the bruises,
with second-hand clothes,
and I can walk with my head down,
so the guilt doesn't show.

But I can't ignore the fear,
that lives within me.
The fear of going home,
of how bad today will be.

I'm asking for help,
and for someone to stand.
For someone to listen,
and do what they can.

I understand rules,
and just how they work.
But why do the rules,
neglect someone who's hurt?

You can see all the bruises,
the scars and the burns.
Each one a lesson,
daddy thought I should learn.

So don't look at me,
as if I'm burdening you.
Because you only know a little,
of what I've been through.

I'm begging for help,
and for you to save me.
So please be my hero,
before three-fifteen.

Hi, it’s me,
I’m just checking in.
I know you don’t want to talk,
or see me again.

I just miss you, ya know?
This is so **** hard.
I was doing ok,
until I got your card.

I broke down then,
and realized what I’d done.
I could tell you I’m sorry,
no excuses, not one.

I was more broken,
than even I knew.
I guess I wasn’t ready,
cause the glue was still new.

If we’d only met,
when I was still whole.
I think it might of been different,
or maybe I’d still be an *******.

I just wanted to say,
that I’m sorry is all.
You deserved better,
and I let you fall.

I’ll let you go,
you’re busy I bet.
Just know that I loved you,
and please don’t forget.

Underneath the cold moon
In the parking lot I told you
Didn't even know you would take back the hours we wasted
We're frozen in the headlights
We're slipping on the black ice
We're shooting not to act nice
Blood in the air, I could taste it

So I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You played me like a musical
Said ignorance is beautiful
I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You tricked me with the dude I know the wrong

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kiddin
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Double yellow lines like
Slipping in the black night
I'm losing all my lifelines
Never thought you could erase them

This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
Ya I just came to witness it
And leave here with no fingerprints
This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
We always want to be the prince, but it’s incestuous

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kidding
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears baby won't stop ringing
My ears, yeah, they won't stop ringing
Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears ya they won't stop ringing

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Clean me in your river
You can wash me with your water
Purify me till I shiver
Cause I've been seeing ghosts
Is this me finally losing you
Or an optical illusion?
Every beat I make is unfinished
And every song I write is ill conceived
When all the cities fade and they diminish
Will anyone remember you and me?

How do you transform,
emotions into words?
How do you describe despair,
without sounding absurd?

How can you paint,
using just text?
Trying your best to show hell,
through memories so convex.

It’s distorted, and ******,
and makes no ******* sense.
So you simply stop trying,
and let the pen run hence.

It’s like a highway,
from your head to your hand,
and the words simply flow,
into pictures you understand.

Vivid details,
melted to the core.
Simplistic observations,
into complicated lore.

It’s a rush, and insane,
like a dictated fever.
Like Frankenstein’s monster,
after pulling the lever.

When it’s done, and you’re empty,
re-reading your prose,
you can feel that channel,
starting to close.

Those are the times,
when I’m most at peace.
When the poison is gone,
and I’ve fed the beast.

I’ll never know how,
I get rid of the pain,
but thank God I can,
or I’d go insane.

How many days have you spent,
and how many days has it been?
How many days have you went,
without eating,
focused on breathing,
trying to make this make sense?

How many pill bottles did you sink,
and how many bottles did you drink?
How many hours did you think,
about the ending,
wrote a message without sending,
looking at the bottom, standing on the brink?

How many times have you heard,
that what you’re doing’s absurd?
Opening your mouth without forming words,
addicted to addiction,
an addict who is itchin,
listening to the voices who are constantly stirred.

How many drinks will it take,
until your body finally breaks?
How do you get rid of the shakes?
Constantly feeling,
but never dealing,
hopefully you’re here to see the daybreak.

I’m aware that I’m unstable,
In every sense and way,
that I bring nothing to the table,
so it’s not something you have to say.

Cause I wake up every morning,
in a paralytic state,
with cautionary warnings,
willing my emotions wait.

My therapist says things,
like “post traumatic stress”,
trying to unwind the strings,
that’s a tangled ******* mess.

Stop giving me labels,
while I’m paying out your dimes,
if you can’t fix what’s broken,
then don’t waste my ******* time.

So let’s say I’m dishonest,
and I haven’t told the truth.
Let’s say I’m being modest,
about all my self abuse.

I’m a ******* contradiction,
and I’m lying to myself.
Wishing for a benediction,
while I pull whiskey off the shelf.

I battle with depression,
but that doesn’t mean a thing,
and answering your questions,
doesn’t suddenly give it wings.

You need to let me be,
and let me tell you why,
because there’s someone else inside me,
and he wants to watch me die.

He’s the one that breaks,
everything you fix,
and he’s the one that takes,
and gives those strings a mix.

The devil lives inside me,
and he likes what he found,
and he’ll scream like a banshee,
till I’m six feet under ground.

In the darkest time,
when I was at my worst.
I woke up on the floor,
with a black-out thirst.

I drank to forget,
to sleep without dreams.
It worked while I held it,
then it started holding me.

This poem’s not about drinking,
or making an excuse.
It’s about what I forgot,
while forgetting you.

No, I take that back,
It’s not what I forgot.
This is about what I remember,
and now I remember a lot.

I met you on Facebook,
through the Stephen King group.
Then, I was happily married,
and then so were you.

We became quick friends,
both sarcastic and rude.
It was innocent friendship,
just friendship, it’s true.

Then we became closer,
as my problems grew,
and your baby was born too early,
but we helped each other through.

We became best friends,
discussing everything.
I watched your kids grow,
and laughed when you’d sing.

It was innocent,
but didn’t stay that way.
Because I realized you loved me,
and that I felt the same way.

We said it to each other,
as casual friends,
but we both knew the meaning,
of each syllable sent.

Then we planned to meet,
me divorced, but you not.
We were both so excited,
the tickets already bought.

I felt so guilty,
because I was at my worst.
I knew I wasn’t coming,
but I think you knew first.

We fought then,
and I ran away.
Deleted everything,
and grew worse every day.

Your trip came and passed,
and I wanted to call.
I was so ******* ashamed,
I let you down after all.

Six months went by,
and I wrote an email each day.
My mouse would waver on send,
but never send it away.

I did finally send it,
and we’re talking again.
But it’s different now,
and I want it to mend.

Now you’re divorced,
and unhappy I know.
You dealt with that **** alone,
because I was a no show.

I can never express,
how sorry I am.
I can never take it back,
and for that I am ******.

You deserved more,
than the sole of my shoe.
You deserved so much more,
than my stupid “I love you”.



I’m sorry....

I’m tired of the *******,
of the same ****** up routine.
I’m tired of saying this times different,
when it’s so obviously obscene.

I’m tired of the poison,
that I pour into myself.
I’m tired of the fear,
and becoming someone else.

I’m tired of the monotony,
of same **** different day.
I’m tired of not being truthful,
with every word I say.

I’m tired of not remembering,
what I did the night before.
I’m tired of acting like it’s ok,
that I should wake up on the floor.

I’m tired of the pain,
and the stress of it all.
I’m just so ******* tired,
of the black outs most of all.

How many years,
have I shaved away?
How many tears,
have I cried through the days?

This **** has to stop,
because it’s truly killing me.
I tried not to see that,
but now it’s plain for me to see.

I’m living to escape,
but the escape never comes.
It just gets ever shameful,
when I realize what I’ve done.

So today I’ll make the choice,
that I dreaded all these years.
I’ve broken something inside,
and lost myself among the fear.

I’ve finally realized,
so I’ll finally put it aside,
because what I have been doing,
is committing slow suicide.

So if you are reading this,
and you can somehow relate.
Turn away from Hells entrance,
before it becomes too late.

Inevitable,
such a strange word.
Impossible,
now that sounds absurd.

Meaning nothing I do,
or say will bring change.
I can tell by your look,
that it’s true, although strange.

Inevitable,
the word of the day.
Impossible,
guess there’s nothing to say...

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something,
I could take to ease my mind slowly.

Just have a drink and you'll feel better.
Just take her home and you'll feel better.
Keep telling me that it gets better.

Does it ever?

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough,
someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh.

Is there somebody who could Help me?
It’s like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough.

Someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
I need somebody now.
Someone to help me out,
I need somebody now.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
It isn't in my blood.
I need somebody now.



It isn't in my blood.

If I die tomorrow,
would I simply disappear?
Living flesh and memories,
that both grew for years.

Do I have a choice,
about what happens next?
Or are we simply ****** into a game,
with no written rules or text.

Can I choose to stay and watch them grieve,
can I still touch their face?
Even if they can’t see me,
they might feel warmth from my embrace.

Will I be sentenced to torture,
for breaking the rules?
Or perhaps my memories will fade,
unraveling like a spool.

I’ve tried to love all people,
and listen to my heart.
So please let me stay awhile,
because it’s tearing them apart.

The mystery of “after”,
is the cruelest thing to do.
Please let me do something,
one whispered “I love you “.

Heaven may be paradise,
but you pay for luxury,
and leaving behind my loved ones,
is too steep a price for me.

So if it’s all the same to you,
I’ll stay behind with them,
because they need me more than you do,
and to leave them would be a sin.