love is complex
to some love is se          x
to others love is a trainwreck
but to me love is hurt
love is pain
love is me screaming and crying your name
because you don't love me anymore
and i am going fu    c king insane

"No offense but you're like really fat."
this was said to me in second grade by another kid
to be fair, yes i was an obese little second grader but i had been growing about three inches every year since i had turned three
i don't believe this person was being inherently malicious
but i will never forget their words and the way they made me feel

you told me today that you don't think you would ever love me as much as i love you,
you don't know how many times i've heard that
when i fall in love i fall hard and fast
i give my all to those i've fallen for
am i the problem in this
the reoccurring factor that makes everyone leave
what is wrong with me
tell me god please just tell me
i can change for you
i will change for you
please just love me back

What am i to you?
Am i your one true love?
Am i the girl you want to grow old with?
Or just another warm body.
Someone to hold for a while, but then discard like a used tissue.
Is that what i am to you?

i am spinning in a sea of my thoughts,
reaching for someone to
help me,
save me,
but no one does,
and i drown.

it's a strange feeling when you realize you're a bigger size than you used to be,
the clothes that were once big on you are now tightly holding in your newly gained flesh,
I know i shouldn't but,
i miss being sick.

my feelings
are not a plea
for attention.

remember that you were the one that wanted to be friends
You asked me,
Can we please,
Be friends?
but then something in you changed,
you went back to your old mean ways,
And it still hurts you know,
seeing you avoid me like I have ******* lepracy, when we dated,
Everyone told me to leave you;
He’s too short,
He’s ugly,
He’s a liar.
But I didn’t
I cared about you,
and I stayed because I loved you,
but apparently the feelings weren’t mutual,

today,
someone sent you a picture of me,
and you said ew,
but once before you used to smile whenever you would see my face.

I was only 10 the day you took my innocence,
Unknowing of your evil intent
I trusted your sneaky smile
your deceitful words
I remember the feeling of your hands around my neck,
The way you held me down
Against my will
I tried to stop you
I was too weak
just a kid
And I cried out to you to stop,
But you didn’t.

I let people in
I let people in because I always try and see the best in people
I always try to see the best in people because I’ve had a lot of practice on myself
Maybe i’m stupid
Trying to believe there’s good in everyone
Maybe i should just accept that some people are crap human beings
my fists are crumpled in my lap
Just like my crumpled expectations
Expectations that i thought were a reality
But i guess i’m just living in a daydream

The outside of the China teacup,
Chipped and cracked but still standing up,
Straight
Vines wrap round the China glass like hands wrap round my throat
Bottom bears coffee stains and teabag remains, like a sad girl who bears her scars
Brim has a special need for a lips touch
like a middle schooler has for lunch

Today,
It holds a special type of poison
The type of poison that hurts before you drink it
The type of poison that isn’t really poison poison
But the type of poison that you pour inside me
and the sad thing is
is that I love your poison
And I’ll drink your poison everyday until you stop giving me poison to drink

Dusty old and gray
Always either spinning or perfectly still
It creaks when it spins
Like the bones of an elderly woman  
One bulb is almost burnt out flickering on and off
Wanting the motivation to stay alive but losing it anyway
Losing it,
Losing it,
and now this bulb has run out of light
Now encompassed in darkness
Two bulbs remain shining so luminously Optimistic like they’ll never burn out
unknowing the impending darkness to come
that they are unable to pause
unable to slow
unable to stop
I’ve never seen a ceiling fan and it’s bulbs like this before

I’m hurting
I know your just doing it because you think it’s “for my own good”
But it isn’t and I hate it when you restrict me from everything that makes me happy
maybe you should try being less of a overprotective parent instead of trying to make me perfect