If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

Wonderland, Wonderland
Why do I keep coming back?
Is it the giant mountains
Or the flowing streams?
Wonderland, Wonderland
Why do I return?
Is it the people there
Or my love for Wonderfood?
Wonderland, Wonderland
Why do they hate me?
I walk, they scream
I talk, they beat
Wonderland, Wonderland
Why can't I be perfect?
With pretty hair
And big doe eyes
Wonderland, Wonderland
When did you become a twisted place?
Was it the screams
Or the nights of crying?
Wonderland, Wonderland
I don't know you any more.
With your ferocious monsters
And sniveling thieves
Wonderland, Wonderland
This is the end for me
I'll jump the bridge
Or pop the pills
Underland, Underland
I hope you welcome me
It was a quick ride here
I hope they know what they did

I pledge allegiance
To the discourse
Of the divided states of mind
And to the guns
For which they hold
One crowd
Under fire
Inescapable
With funerals and bullets
For all

Hey it's me. Uh I was just calling to say I'm sorry
I know it's late and I know I'm an idiot for ever letting you go, but um,
Without you my life has a hole that can't be filled with anything else
The moon smiles at me as the stars dim out
They could never shine as bright as your eyes, but without you they have no reason to glow
At night the darkness is a cloak, it wraps me up trying to offer comfort
But only with you beside me could I ever be warm again
I've become a shell of the boy you once knew
I no longer have a reason to smile, My eyes have lost their glow, My laugh is dry from under use
I know I was never the prince you wanted or the good guy you needed, but things are different now
I'll hold your hand when you get scared, Hold you whether you need it or not, Be your shoulder to cry on
I guess what I want to say is,
*Baby I love you

Blurred images
Hazy edged pictures
Images with burn holes 
Things to see behind
Clouds of lingering sleep
This is the first time in awhile
I've actually felt okay
The world is still moving to fast 
And me too slow
But my mind has a window
So I can see and hear 
Though my throat still 
Struggles for sounds
My hands form letters
That form words
That form phrases
My thoughts on pages 
My feelings on paper 
My soul wrapped into words
That will never be spoken 

These are my own words written by someone else, hope you guys enjoy my first poem in a while, things are actually improving. If im lucky i'll survive -Andy

White walls
White beds
White floors

White sheets
White tiles
White gowns

White faces
White eyes
White lights

He was the warrior king.
He was known for being strong.
He was Mogar.

Shallow breaths passed through his lips.
Hot tears rolled down his cheeks.

Arms wrapped tightly around him.
Knees pulled close to his chest.

He tried to hold himself together.

How did he get here?

Unable to laugh or smile.
Unmotivated and unfocused.
Unable to sleep or eat.

An empty shell.

Devoid of all emotion but one:

Shame

He was ashamed.
Ashamed he couldn't push through.
Ashamed he wasn’t strong enough.
Ashamed that he was broken

He was the warrior king.

Stars blink
Once
Twice
Three times
They seen to say
You'll see another day

Hey you're more than pretty. You're gorgeous. You're eyes sparkle brighter than any star. Your smile beats the moon. Your hair is so much fun to play with. Remember not to starve, purge, cut, tear, stab, poke, burn, scratch. There's no need too. I don't need to see your face to know your beautiful. I don't care what the mirror says. You deserve to know the ugly truth. You will always be beautiful and there's nothing you can say or do to change that.

Cinderella, Cinderella
Where have you been?
Wash the windows, sweep the floors
Do all the chores
Cinderella Cinderella
Where have you been?
Those clothes are mine not for you
Change before I claw you
Cinderella, Cinderella
Where have you been?
Pumpkins aren't carriages, mice can't be horses
***** aren't for maids
Cinderella, Cinderella
Why can't you stay?
One dance isn't enough
You must please stay
Cinderella, Cinderella
What were you thinking?
The prince doesn't love you
Fairy tales are for children
Cinderella, Cinderella
When will you learn?
Happily ever after is only in books

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we
can see

There's the girl you called a **** for being pregnant
There's the boy you made fun of for crying
There's the girl you shoved in the halls
The boy you called lame
The boy you beat up for kissing another boy

Behind tinted windows we all have battle that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

She was *****
His mother is dying
She's already being abused at home
He has to work nights to support his family
That's his only reason to live

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

Her sweatpants and hoody provoked him
Cancer is a *****
Her father is a drunk
His father is in a wheelchair and can't work
His family told him they'd rather him dead than gay

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
It's only what's deep inside we can't see

Things are always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight my demons emerge
At midnight my thoughts race
At midnight I remember

I remember I'm useless
I remember I'm unloved
I remember I'm unwanted

Things always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight I can't sleep
At midnight I can't breathe
At midnight I can't feel

My eyes are filled with tear
My skin is covered in cuts
My bathtub is stained in blood

Things are never okay
Until midnight rolls around

By the time I was your age
I'd give anything
to fall in love truly was all i could think
that's when i met your mother
the girl of my dreams
the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen

She said, "boy can i tell you a wonderful thing?"
I cant help but notice you staring at me
I know i shouldn't say this
But, i really believe i can tell by your eyes
That you're in love with me

Now, son I'm only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things

Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink
We'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything
Too young to notice and too dumb to care
But, love was a story that couldnt compare

I said, "girl can i tell you a wonderful thing?"
I made you a present with paper and string
Open with care now im asking you please
You know that i love you, will you marry me

Now son, im only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things

Youll learn one day ill hope and ill pray
That god shows you differently

She said boy can i tell you a terrible thing
Seems that im sick and ive only got weeks
Please dont be sad now, i really believe
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me

Slow, so slow
I fell to the ground on my knees

Don't fall in love
It's just too much to lose
if given the choice
Then I'm begging you to choose
To walk away, walk away
Dont let her get you
I cant bare to see the same
Happen to you

Now, son im only telling you this
Cause, life can do terrible things

Take a knife
Stab me
Take a rope
Hang me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
Take some pills
Dose me
Take a bat
Beat me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
Throw me
Off the bridge
Take a towel
Suffocate me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
End this life
Make it a ******
Or an accident
To save the ones
Around me
This is the end
So long and goodnight

Livin’ and breathin’ is all that I got
Take a deep breath got my stomach in knots
Can’t tie me down, no you can’t enslave me
Hopin’ someone will come out and save me
Fear and depression are clouding my head
I’m closing my eyes, I think that I’m dead
Fighting for sanity, fighting to lose
Fighting for the chance that I get to choose

Running from something I can’t recall
Too many steps and I’m gonna fall
The buildings edge is right in my sight
One little leap and I can take flight
Lost in the sounds and lost in the pain
Know what I’ve done’s been done in vain

I’m haunted by the past of me
A ghost of who I used to be 
Their mistakes are all that I can see

I’m running, I’m running

I hate the scars along skin
A memory of where I’ve been
They’re white lined trails of my darkest sin

I’m running, Im running

Screaming and crying filling my ears
Covered in burns from venomous tears
Im breaking mirrors, I’m screaming in pain
Can’t go on living, theres nothing to gain
Losing myself in the ruts of my days
Breathin’ in smoke with eyes blurred by the haze
Once a week poison killin’ me slowly
Devil on my back, they call me unholy

No where to go, got hounds on my trail
Begging that somehow I will prevail
Imagine a life where I can rest
Instead I’ve got this weight on my chest
Got these voices, they callin’ my name
No one around me, no one to blame

I’m haunted by the past of me
A ghost of who I used to be
Their mistakes are all that I can see

I’m running, I’m running

I hate the scars along skin
A memory of where I’ve been
They’re white lined trails of my darkest sin

I’m running, Im running

One
Two
Three
Four

One means hope
Thinned hair
Nausea

One
Two
Three
Four

Two frays your nerves
Bald heads
Tired limbs

One
Two
Three
Four

Three brings pain
Chemo filled veins
Faltering hearts

One
Two
Three
Four

Four is the end
Fills you up
Destroys you

One
Two
Three
Four

The stars are shining bright
Come sit with me tonight
Your hair is a perfect mess
I would never think more or less
Of you than perfection
Listen to the crickets sing
The melody of harmony

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

We share the sky
As we dance all night
The world is alive
Buzzing with sound
Natures music is my remorse
We won't stop until the sky turns pale
Time and space aren't enough to stop me

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

The stars are shining bright
Come sit with me tonight
Your hair is a perfect mess
I would never think more or less
Of you than perfection
Listen to the crickets sing
The melody of harmony

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

We share the sky
As we dance all night
The world is alive
Buzzing with sound
Natures music is my remorse
We won't stop until the sky turns pale
Time and space aren't enough to stop me

The world can move on without us
I just want to live here and now

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

One after another
One step after the other

They walked from life
In strides of anguish
With steps of pain

They hid from us
The horrors within
Their secret wish

One after another
One step after the other

They ran from life
With a bottle of pills
With a gun to the head

Six months ago
Dressed in red
She was finally free

Three days ago
Clad in blue
He was finally at peace

The sun rises for me
It sets for you
I've started another empty day without you
You ended a great one without me
I'm struggling through it
You sleep soundly
I can feel the pain
You sink into dreams
I'm lost without you
You couldn't be more found without me

In pink she skips through the grass
She laughs at the butterflies
She basks in the warm sunshine

In white she soars through the sky
She jumps with the summer sun
She runs with the winter winds

In black she walks through the dark
She cries with the midnight moon
She screams at the stars above

In red she rests in our hearts
She sits among the flowers
She stands among the mourning

If only you could see us
Together again for you
All of us in black and red

If only we could show you
How many people love you
All the lives you’ve touched and changed

If only I could call you
Tell you how much I miss you
Tell you how much I love you

You didn’t have to leave us
You didn’t have to do it
You didn’t have to give up

I’m begging you to come back
I’m begging you to stay here
I’m begging you to live

I’m sorry for all the pain
I’m sorry for all the loss
You deserved to have better

Living was hard, I know it was
I’m so proud of you for trying
I can’t wait to see you again


“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.” -For Good, Wicked

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost years ago
To the cancer in her body
Her ashes spread in the sea
Resting where she loved

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost way too young
The water too deep for her
Stuffed animals on the alter
Two years wasn’t enough

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

He was lost last week
When he fell too far
Only eighteen years
Sister said “see you soon”

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost long ago
Her heart beat blocked
A daughter, a sister, a niece
Just SMiLe, you’ll be okay

I’m tired of people dying

The stars lean down to kiss you and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. The silence isn't so bad until I look at my hands and feel sad. 'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

He acts like a player
                                      She's a cheerleader
                                                     ­                     He hits up all the girls
She's the one everyone wants
                                                       He goes home at night
                                                                ­                                  She avoids home
He likes his best friend
                                           She skips a meal
                                                            ­                He just wants to stop hiding
She just wants to be thin
                                               He comes out as gay
                                                             ­                          She no longer eats
He's beat up by his 'friends'
                                                    She­ collapses during class
                                                           ­                                           He's in the ER
She's in the OR
                               His skull caved in
                                                                ­  Her heart is starved
                                                                ­                                          
He wakes up with amnesia
                                                     She remembers it all
                                                                ­                
He dies to brain damage
                                                She starves to death

This all started with one comment. A whisper in the halls. Something about her size.

He just wanted to be himself, but they didn't want him there.

I've done some nasty things
I've lost all my good
I search my soul for you

Can you forgive me?
My broken heart racing
I want us back
Please give the pleasure of loving you

Your eyes they flutter
Like butterfly wings
When closed they blend
To the same tan as their background
But,
When opened
They shine a brilliant blue
And throw me off

I want to live, not just survive

-Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab

I can’t look myself in the eye
I can’t gaze upon my face
Reflections are my enemy
Pictures are my fear
Poisoned by standards
Intoxicated by privacy

I stand here wondering
I stand here asking
Will I ever be unmasked?

Mask my face
Mask my name
Mask my home
Mask up
Don’t forget it
Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Break a mirror
Punch a wall
I don’t want to see
I don’t want to know

Red wine
Rainy day
Stay inside
Stay away

Don’t leave and you’ll be okay

The big C (cancer) ruined my life
You came and revived me
You swept me off my feet
Now I sit here and wonder
What have I done wrong?
Was it worth the fight?
I've pondered giving up
Leaving to never return
But I feel deep in my heart
That you still love me so
I don't want to believe it
I want to leave the earth
But I can’t ignore this feeling
If you loved me would you let me go?

I can’t do anything right
I can’t do anything outside
I can’t leave
The voices in my head are screaming
Cover your face, don’t let them see
Cover your face, hide what you are
Mask up, keep it on
Paranoid about my privacy

Days on weeks
On months
On years
Hiding away from the world
They’re always asking
They’re always wondering
They want to know
They speculate

Anxiety attacks
Hands shake
Breath halters
Heart thumps

Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Hide away hide away hide away

Don’t show them what you really are

Like the end feel the smoke
White to yellow runs out
Light another, a whole pack
Feel the smoke

My heart is bound in chains
And you hold the key
My mind is filled with you
Yet empty of love
Sorrow fills myself
I crumble
I cry
You still have all of my heart
You still have all of me
My fate lies with you
My destiny walks with your's
My body is loud and open
Yet my soul is locked away
Pain fills me
I crumble
I cry
You still have all of my heart
You still have all of me

A young girl
A twist of fate
Tall towers
Spinning wheels
***** your finger
Seal the curse
Wall of thorns
Villain with horns
Sleeping Beauty
Why won't you wake?
I've broken the curse
I've sealed your fate
Sleeping Beauty
She is doomed
The curse never really had a cure

I was born in a house
All I ever needed was a home

I just want to go home
To a place where I won't hurt
A place I feel safe
A place I want to be

How do you go home
when all you have is a house?

Anxiety
Insecurity
Self hatred
Fueled by staying inside
By never seeing people
By wearing a mask

Full face
Half face
No face
Hide behind the cloth
The screen
The walls

Privacy
Intimacy
Fear
Leave me anonymous
Unseen
Invisible

It's never dark enough.
Light slips through the window
From the street lights and the stars.

It's never quiet enough.
Sound pushes through the walls
From the roads and the houses.

It's never warm enough.
Cold seeps through the blankets
From the wind and the fear.

It's never lonely enough.
Voices whisper through the dark
From the shadows and the corners.

It's never enough.
I'm awake through the night
From sundown to sunrise.

My birthday approaches like a train
I am stuck on the tracks of time

Nothing comes with being seventeen

College applications pile like snow
An avalanche waiting to bury me

Nothing comes with being seventeen

Adulthood looms like dark clouds
Ready to pick me up into the storm

Nothing comes with being seventeen

You looked me in the eye and promised
You promised me that one day we'd be okay
You promised you'd be by my side the entire time
Look at me now
You promised that you loved me
You promised things couldn't get any worse
You promised that I had a future
Look at me now
Your promises have shattered me
Your promises cut deeper than any blade
Your promises killed my appetite
Look at me now
Your promises pushed me 1 step
Your promises pushed me 2 steps
Your promises pushed me....
Look at me now
You stare at the box
You stare at the ground
You stare at the stone that marks it me
You see me now

I live in my head
In another world
                               A world full of magic
                               Full of mystery
                               Full of adventure
                                                               A world with kings
                                                               Good and bad
                                                               Courageous and cowardly
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world with friends
                              A tight knit group
                              A family to lean on
                                                                 A world of happiness
                                                                 With laughter
                                                                 With inside jokes
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world of love
                              With comradery
                              With protection
                                                           A world I never want to leave
                                                           It's everything I ever wanted
                                                           It's everything I ever needed
I live in another world
That has become my home

Their words pushed me into the water
They became waves stealing my breath
They turned to brinks around my wrists
     Pulling me
     Down
     Down
     Down
“It’s easy to swim” they said
They moved easily through the water
“You just need to try a little harder”
     I sank
     Down
     Down
     Down
My lips parted allowing the air to escape
Cold water rushed into my lungs
I gasped searching for any amount of relief
     I fell
     Down
     Down
     Down
I felt the ocean floor against my feet
Fine sand floated around me in a haze
The darkness enveloped me in a cold embrace
     I accepted the end
     I drowned
     Drowned
     Drowned...

The was stage set
The curtain was drawn

I took long slow steps
At center stage I stopped

The mic before me sat a silhouette
Against the blinding lights

My lips parted to speak
Silence
I spoke the words I know so well
Silence

Was my speech falling on deaf ears?

My voice rose
Silence
I leaned close to the mic
Silence

I screamed at the top of my lungs
Until my throat was raw

I stood in the center of the stage
Silent
No matter what I said
No matter how loud I was
No one was listening

I wanted to tell them
About the sadness drowning me
About the hate burning in my heart
About how hopeless I felt

I sat in the center of the stage
Silent

The stage was empty
The curtains were closed