I smile the most
When I want to
Cry

I laugh the most
When I want to
Die

I sit here
And I act playful
As we text

But deep down inside
My heart
And my hope
Have failed
And I lay here
Stuck in my head
Unable to leave this bed

I miss having more people
To hold me close
And cuddle
For now everyone
Makes it ******

I miss holding hands
With people
And going on adventures
But now everyone
Assumes that means
I want them

I do want love
And I do want someone to hold
But just because I cuddled you
Or held your hand
Or was goofy with you
It doesn't mean
You're the one I choose

A cuddle
Shouldn't turn
Into a ****

Holding a hand
Shouldn't turn
Into love

So why is that
What I always
Run into?

Don't imagine what it's like to be with me
Because I'm not an easy person to be with
I will tell you I won't cheat
But you will think I am lieing
I will not make you feel secure
Because when you ask me about my day
Or why I dropped off the face of the earth for hours on end
I will tell you I don't remember
And I'm only partially lieing
because I don't want to tell you that my mind was in the clouds and the characters in my head i find more important than you
But don't take this personally because I don't find many in reality more important than the people I dream up
So while you assume I'm cheating I'm digging craters in my bedroom floor pacing around my room talking to myself
But I'll tell you I don't remember
Because that's so much easier than explaining the turmoil going on in my brain

I write like the ocean,
Wave upon word strewn wave,
Only, though, in times of turmoil,
When in those few moments of peace,
I am like glass,
Heart and pen still,
No words pouring from my hand.
Yet, as of late I pound the boulder strewn shores of discontent,
Railing against doubt,
Hoping that if I wear them away peace will again come.
Glassy, smooth.

Pieces of the hourglass strikes my skin,
the gold is oozing drip by drip.
The ruby sand crash in my eye.
Wincing in pain,
Now I'm inside.

the powerbank's empty
bankrupt soul
heart bleeding red

corrosive feelings
dug deepest holes
filled them with lead

THEY AREN'T HEALING
why no one told me
it would be that bad?