th pain was a monument to itself
saying 'i am u, and u r my god'
i waited for it to crack into manageable pieces
sat full of my own nothing until it made sense
cast spells to remember to take my meds
but ur abuse has a body count
and my justice was lost in translation
i told myself i had earned my anger
and bled on anyone i cld
until i found myself alone, soaked in blood tht was no longer mine
but pain doesnt melt so easy
it is liquid air in my lungs pressing against me until i soften arnd it
it is a black eye i can no longer keep saying i got in a fight
i wish i cld run parallel to it
but now my head swims between realities
everyone thought i wld grow out of it but instead i grew into it
i can nearly taste th end like a light flickering between tired and sleepy
but almost is nvr enough

i've never known the safety of a chest
i speak in tongues to my hands
kiss my own knuckles
fill my own mouth with blood
and convince myself that this is love
but love is a peaceful moon
unmarred
stuffed with understanding
it is baring your throat and crying
'please come home'
it fills my chest snugly
but i am a sharp knife
like my father and his
the tenderness dies in my throat

the world is white at its edges
bathed in stolen light
carried to anxiety by a fake god
its heatless words
dying in its throat

you are the shifting light i am endlessly chasing
but i'm inside out and terrified of peace
and you're looking for his heart in my chest

[intro]

   Am                      F              C                             E
e|------------------------------------0------------------------­--------------|
B|---1-----1--1-----1---1-----1-----1-------1----­-1---1-----1---1-----1---0--|
G|-------2--------2---------2-----2­-------------0---------0---------0--------|
D|-----2--------2----­-----3-----3-------3-----2---------2---------2----------|
A|-0---­-----0---------0-------------------3---------3---------3---------­2----|
E|--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------|

   E
e|-------------------------------------------------------------­--------------|
B|-----0---0-----0---0---------------------------­----------------------------|
G|---1---------1-------------------­------------------------------------------|
D|-2---------2-------­--------------------------------------------------------|
A|-----­--2---------2----------------------------------------------------­-----|
E|--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------|

she held me th way one kicks aside smeared bug, which is to say: gentle, unwilling, and all fearing
th tender pain she left to mold felt all weakness leave my body
her darkness was th light with which i navigated the puddles of beer and wet clothes, th very image of a god in utero
i was again, the bug, carcass and feeling all stuck
tethered to reality by trauma and th promise of survival
yet still
in very much th same way one flicks about th switches to lights that have lng since felt th soft burn of life give out, she asked if i loved her
to which i replied: i don't - i don't - i don't - i don't feel safe

holiness dissociates between my eyes
samurais with ptsd and human tendencies
are the closest to a lulluby during noon
between rib and flesh, the movement uncomfortable