i remember trying to convince you when you were at 50/50 to take me back when you're the one that broke my heart
i remember begging and now i am mad
IM MAD AT MYSELF
cause like you said i have no control
i have no control of my thoughts even that i didn't know what was wrong last night
i don't know
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
but i'm afraid you will leave
not for someone else
not because you got bored
but because you can't handle me
you don't love me anymore
well what is love when it's disappeared
love stays forever it doesn't fade
i remember when you said you were afraid you didn't love me anymore
well now i'm afraid
im so afraid im on my toes telling myself to expect the unexpected
im so scared of you leaving
cause when i look at you i get this burst of feeling
i can't describe in words but ill try
like someone lit a warm fire inside my chest and my heart starts beating fast and i just want to blurt "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" and that's not even close to how i feel
ME LOVING YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
i cannot fathom how much i love you
i know you feel love for me
but sometimes i wonder if it's the same thing
"does he feel like this all the time?"
"does he think about me as much as i think about him"
"does he always think of me as the love of his life or only in the good moments"
all these questions toss and turn in my brain
i can't decipher any of it so i go insane
and then i shut down
and that's why i shut you out
because sometimes it's too much time and too much thought and i can't handle the thought of losing you
and i don't want to hear words
i want to see
i want to be proven to me
that you won't leave me anymore
and you have been doing that but i guess it's just me being irrational cause you're too perfect to me

i told them what happened
i cried in their faces
some said "you were wearing those leggings- you know what that was saying"
some didn't believe me at first but when the tears came they heard
the pain in my voice and they believed my words
some said i didn't deserve it but at the end of the day i willing put myself in the situation
'what the hell' i thought
'i have no support"
the group message was all complaints
about them being pulled from class to help my case
did they not see my pain?
i felt all alone
like no one believed that i had said the word "no"
or that i asked him several times if we could go
and he replied "no"
my consent didn't matter
when the only way out is to climb the ladder
that's what u should do
i couldve bit and i could have fought but i didn't see how when every boy i play fight w could pin me down
and i had just bought the pepper spray that was in the compartment between us

nobody believed me
maybe he did
but he still blamed the situation on me
when you say what you say all i hear is
"you got ***** bc you put yourself in the position too"
i knew it could happen
so does that mean i was asking for it?
no
^ that's the word he didn't understand
i want to puke, and sometimes cry
other times i'm numb and feel nothing inside
i can't be alone w my love now and not breakdown
i had a dream last night it happened again
except this time i told no one
because why go through the pain of telling it and re creating it to these people
if they aren't gonna believe ya
im laying in the dark and hoping that i can ball and cry reall soon
"thank for believing"
i got to say to no one ever

two loves compared
mine and yours
your man buys you things in exchange for you to do ****** things
my man loves me and tells me everyday
"what would I do without you today?"
your man has a few cars
well at at least my man doesn't go to the bar
at least he's not close in age to my friends dad either
writing this is even making me mad
I need a breather
for heavens sake
you need time alone, by yourself, to learn yourself
"I've always been this way, never alone"
a quote directly from you
I don't see why a potential independant women needs someone
you've turned to a monster
I don't know you anymore
going against everything our parents have taught us
just to hear your man go "cha-Ching"
"I'm tired of getting called a gold digger"
well I'm sorry but unless you can prove it im gonna be bitter
two loves compared, yours and mine
my lover and I took time
we learned about eachothers ways
and didn't sleep together at the first gaze
I can prove I love my man cause he doesn't have much but himself for me
your man has always given you crap, from purses to bras and now will come curses
my man doesn't need me all the time and i don't need him, just keep that in mind.
all you are is leaning on him, money & sin, I mean that's how your relationship did begin?
don't try to tell me he cares about you
he cares if your staying the night
because if he cares he would know that you need family too
and that's what he has taken away from you!

is that all u care about now?
yourself?
because by the path of broken hearts and tear filled eyes you left behind its starting to seem that way
do you still care about him?
or is your medication drowning you in sin?
what the hell were you thinking, you could just throw people away once you get bored?
are you blind to see?
or are you running from responsibility?
God knows what the hell you keep thinking
why did you leave an something with potential for a diamond?
were you just not patient enough to wait?
or was it because all you care about is yourself
and that cheating ******* money?

there's a lot of things you don't know about me you don't know the way I think about you
in those songs I sent you
after you heard them I deleted them
because I knew that would you would really listen and listen again and again to them and remember them
but I knew you heard them all through but not memorized through you might be confused
when you click on the playlist and it tells you
it doesn't exist
cause I want to tell you how I feel so I did
for a bit
but now I want you to think that
those feelings didn't exist
because they didn't
right?
there's a lot of things you don't know about me
why I don't even believe in the word promise
in my world the definition of promise is
"when someone tells you they will stay but then leave"

or how I can't be kissed in my car anymore cause I've kissed more there than I've heard promises from boys
or how I want you to hate me

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I cried everyday for months
caused by a boy that was similar to you
or how I hate going to the movies
because I had been taken advantage on a first and last date there

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
I used to be able to apologize sincerely
but now I keep my pride
I used to be kind but now I am blunt
I say what I think because I lost my heart

there's one thing you know about me
I have been heartbroken
and I don't want that again

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I'm trying to get you to hate me
and you're too perfect to do it
I would pay all the money in the world
to get you too
but the thing is you remind me of my spirit when I was 2 years younger than you

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I'm gonna kiss you before you kiss me
cause I know you're too shy in the first place
you don't know how I get jealous when I don't even like you
you don't know how I tell my friends I don't like you and they always say "Sarah we know you do"

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
I put scenarios in my head of all the different ways
you could kiss me for the first time
but i can't wait so I'll just do it instead
I don't want you to be underrated so il list create it myself

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like the mistakes I've made maybe you'll find out
how whipped I am and how I want to bring you things
and buy you things
or how when u grab my hand my pulse goes up way to humanely fast
but there is a lot of things I don't know about you... that I would like to.

"I love you so much"
"I love you too" I say
I wonder if he means it the way I hear it
cause I hear it a different way it might be meant
I hear as a "I care about you, and that's not in a platonic way"
but I'm confused you seem like you love a lot and people love you too
well, how could they not?
I love you all the time and I miss you through it too
I hope the words you type each week
are meant to mean what I think they do
cause I really do, i always will.. love you

oh my I miss you
I didn't think I ever would
but you came to mind earlier this week
as I was thinking about my future
I remembered the advice you gave
you were older and experienced
and I realized you had my best interest in mind
you cared about me and you loved me
I wouldn't be able to tell a soul a reason why you do
but I come back to the times I had nobody to talk to
even when I didn't want to
you were persistent to know what was the matter
and we're always there even when she wasn't
but oh my I miss you
you were there when I was crying tears
you were the first I told about how I felt when I looked in mirrors
you heard my cry for an hour straight about how he left and it was just too late
you told me you loved me and left me no advice
you listened and didn't say a single word
you let me talk and vent
and when you looked disinterested I asked if you were still listening you said "yes Sarah" and repeat the last 3 sentences I had said
you told me it was okay
you loved me dispite my mistakes
but now you're gone a million miles away
and I still remember the promise you gave me
if I wasn't married by 2020
you would propose
and you should know I didn't take that as a joke
oh I miss you
and I didn't think I would
but I never thought I would be this blind either
God meant to do this so you could focus on his work
and so I could too.
I can't wait to see you and hear the way you say my name
and hear you say "hey, I love you"
2 years is a long time but I'm glad that I had the other times..