Nov 2015
When I was in elementary school I never understood why no one else would shake with fear
I would feel a hug of cold air around my body
I'd ask if anyone else felt it and when no one did I thought I was insane
Then I'd start to shake and lose control of my hands
You're such a freak I'd hear as I slowly lost control
My mind would go blank and suddenly I thought I'd be sick
I ran to the nurse where she called me a drama queen
My teacher ran in after and pulled me back to class
I didn't know why I was only half of what others were
In middle school, I learned not to mention these feelings
Everyday before school I would be reminded don't tell anyone how you feel
When those cold hugs started to envelop my starved frame I'd spit fire at everyone
Instead of caring about what others said I'd immediately shoot a smart reply
When my teacher asked me why I was so rude I asked why she cared when no one else did
I wanted to be like the girls who came to school skipping and laughing
I wanted to be whole
In junior high, I locked myself in bathrooms
I'd have to be drugged until I couldn't feel anything so I'd go to school
When I felt numb I started to miss feelings so I slowly dug silver into my wrists and slowly stopped putting food into my body
I learned that the only thing that would make me feel whole was people liking me, so I made a self improvement list
I stopped swearing, I said I loved pink, I said I wanted designer dresses, I said I wasn't myself
Even then I was never whole, I craved love
I craved the warm embrace of others replacing the cold hugs of anxiety
I craved love, I wanted to be someone to love me
In 8th grade I realized those improvements didn't make those cold hugs go away
I decided that maybe if my heart stopped beating everything would be better
When my heart fought my attempts to silence it I decided that maybe I deserved those cold hugs
Now in high school, I realize that I was not being me
I attempt to embrace those cold hugs back
I start to slowly do what society tells me is uncool
But I will never be able to feel whole until I learn that hugs and I love yous may make the anxiety go away for a little while, I have to learn to love myself cold hugs and all in order to truly be whole
I would feel a hug of cold air around my body
I'd ask if anyone else felt it and when no one did I thought I was insane
Then I'd start to shake and lose control of my hands
You're such a freak I'd hear as I slowly lost control
My mind would go blank and suddenly I thought I'd be sick
I ran to the nurse where she called me a drama queen
My teacher ran in after and pulled me back to class
I didn't know why I was only half of what others were
In middle school, I learned not to mention these feelings
Everyday before school I would be reminded don't tell anyone how you feel
When those cold hugs started to envelop my starved frame I'd spit fire at everyone
Instead of caring about what others said I'd immediately shoot a smart reply
When my teacher asked me why I was so rude I asked why she cared when no one else did
I wanted to be like the girls who came to school skipping and laughing
I wanted to be whole
In junior high, I locked myself in bathrooms
I'd have to be drugged until I couldn't feel anything so I'd go to school
When I felt numb I started to miss feelings so I slowly dug silver into my wrists and slowly stopped putting food into my body
I learned that the only thing that would make me feel whole was people liking me, so I made a self improvement list
I stopped swearing, I said I loved pink, I said I wanted designer dresses, I said I wasn't myself
Even then I was never whole, I craved love
I craved the warm embrace of others replacing the cold hugs of anxiety
I craved love, I wanted to be someone to love me
In 8th grade I realized those improvements didn't make those cold hugs go away
I decided that maybe if my heart stopped beating everything would be better
When my heart fought my attempts to silence it I decided that maybe I deserved those cold hugs
Now in high school, I realize that I was not being me
I attempt to embrace those cold hugs back
I start to slowly do what society tells me is uncool
But I will never be able to feel whole until I learn that hugs and I love yous may make the anxiety go away for a little while, I have to learn to love myself cold hugs and all in order to truly be whole
