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i always thought those books that i read
in lover's conflicts and wars they dealt
meant something beyond these images in my head
meant more than mere novels, something the poets felt
but oh boy, was i terribly wrong
i made my own suffering prolong,
i ain't the "forever" material or ****,
simply a means to an end is what fits,
i will never be nobody's moon or stars
because i am adorned with scars
given by life, it's people and it's maker
all through these 22 years of being a waker
rejected, dejected and an outcast at it's best
i ain't special but simply different from the rest
a fool i have been all along, believing it was my superpower
oh good lord, i was simpy never on anybody radar
the unlikable, unwanted and unlovable soul
who had no poise, passion or a gritty goal
i have been loitering in delusion, hallucinating the impossible
all the while i have done nothing but been an imbecile
i maybe good but never great
in the world of curves, a definite straight
being humble was my only shot at becoming better
but in the end, it got me to this point where i am typing this letter by letter
all i am is a wishful thinker who lives in the world of imagination
a dull, boring kid trapped in an adult's body and adaptation
a stupid girl who is the easiest of all
an ugly-hearted, too trusting of a call
i am pathetic, the dumbest being to ever grace this planet
as useless and replaceable as the middle of a magnet
Påłpëbŕå May 22
maybe my pull isn't that strong
because you seem to deviate, always
from the path we've walked on for so long
that it's been a lifetime and not mere days
are my body and soul not enough?
or are the times too tough?
that you choose the easier option
and leave me without any caution
for i have been here for you, always
but mabe you don't want me anyways
so i wish you luck and so much more
and hope we can still be okay, like before
i don't have it in me to fight, i am tired
and maybe a bit too differently wired
for the likes of you and everybody else
but this time it ain't my fault i can tell
and it's for the better, i can feel it
because we're those pieces of a puzzle that will never fit
i feel better, relieved and not on the verge of crying myself to death
i am not enough, i got that clear
Påłpëbŕå Apr 30
Stood I staring at the building I once called- "My school"
With a heart so pure, I was too easy to befool.
All these years went by and yet the memories stayed,
Every night I cried, for the horrors to desipate- I prayed.

Yet every detail of that 'incident' clung to my bones like Ivy,
Making me curse myself for harbouring all the naivety.

Often wondered I- "Did I bring this upon myself?
Or maybe if I'd yelled a little louder that day, someone would've finally helped?
Was it my outgoing nature that made them think that I "wanted it"
Or was it the fact that I liked one of them is what "lured" him in?
In places where I didn't want to be touched or pried,
They took and took until I was destroyed and dead eyed;
Bleeding from every pore, torn from the inside,
I laid on the cold floor waiting for someone to stride,
And stop the two demons who's faces I still have registered in my brain,
The two humans who lost their humanity with evil flowing in their veins.

But nothing happened and no knight in shining armour came,
I was left there with my battered body and shattered soul, in vain.
It was only after hours of darkness that saw I some light,
That made me squint because it was too bright.
I got up- burning and tripped in the pool of my own blood,
That ripped a scream out of my lungs and made tears flood.
I rose again and again until I finally limped my way out,
Leaving behind the ashes of my former self- covered in a shroud.

I decided that I won't be a victim of what happened to me,
Rather believed that justice will be served and they shall see,
How I chose to not succumb to death and thus, had a rebirth,
And like the Phoenix- I came, I saw, I conquered my dearth.

So today, standing in front of the structure that housed my fears for so long, I ponder-
"What didn't **** me, has definitely made me stronger"
But I'm not a mere survivor who went on with her life like before,
Rather, I'm a warrior who slayed her fears and settled the score;
Suffering is my nectar, the energy source on which I run,
- A product of pain, an Angel, even though a fallen one.

So what if an example was set at the cost of me losing my innocence,
It made thousands of people stand up against the grave offence;
Striving each day to make this place safer for the entire human race,
And this, dear reader, will be enough for me to finally rest my case.
you remind of fresh forests and setting of the sun
and maybe that's why, realised i
the moment i laid eyes on you, you're my only one
Påłpëbŕå Mar 27
somedays i hate people around me
and somedays i hate myself be
am i the problem or is it the world i see
suffocating people pretending to set them free
what is it? this thought keeps me awake
in my turbulent turmoil do i shake
because loving him isn't getting me anywhere
but putting a lock on my emotions isn't fair
since i want to be different, a good human
great and perfect who's too busy to have fun,
is working hard to become successful and no. 1
a product of pain who chose to become better like the sun
but i fail everydamnday, everydamnway
by expecting too much from my battered body, which isn't ohkay
i think too much, act too little
fracturing my feelings, my heart so brittle
it's not good to be this person that i am
breathing in order to make everything work a/c to my meticulous plan
but **** if i know what's right or wrong anymore
i am exhausted to my very core
the sad part is that i'm nowhere closer to what i want
and this doesn't let me sleep, every night this haunts
yet i lay in my bed, wasting away day after day
and i have no words left to say
i can't die but i ain't living either
i am pathetic, i know thats what you think reader
my past holds on to me so strongly that i play it on loop
the future makes me anxious, so in my eyes do i stoop
be the same old dumb ****** that i have always been
my potential dying before it could ever be seen
just crossing out dates on my phone's ******* calendar
wrong profession, wrong attitude, wrong is my ******* gender
if i were a guy would have i been better? would things at home been better? or am i just an ungrateful brat who is wasting away her life because she's too lazy to pick herself up or am i actually dumb and maybe i don't want to accept it and so i don't really work hard because this excuse has always worked for me that it's ohkay, if i would have worked for it, i would have gotten it but i suppose what i am is really scared of not getting what i want even after i give my best and the relationship well i don't know it's just that i feel like i am too **** desperate, as i have always been i hate it but i do nothing about it, i just keep on living in my imaginary world where in the coming years i am going to live out one of the fantasy novels story, it's disgusting
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