my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

i always wondered
if i was capable
of loving and caring
for someone more
than my 7 year old self

it was not until
you entered this realm
Isla Kay

that you have shown me emotion
you have taught me
that i can cry
that i can scream
that i can laugh

if i am being honest Isla Kay

i never really thought i would heal
my 7 year old self
i have always thought i would just get by

but
watching life through your eyes
has made life worth living again

i thank you
for your 3 years on this earth
for showing me more love
than i have ever felt for myself


  -thank you for showing me how to live, how to be accepting, how to be apologetic, how to feel joy, how to feel again. I love you.

they say love
is the outpouring
of everything
good within you

they say love
is the respect
of self value
always soft and kind

they say love
can bring out
the wisdom
of emotional maturity

they say love
is the recognition
of another soul
so valuable so true

why does love scare me so much?

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i have been hiding away
i have escaped to London
i have ran away again

where no one knows my name
where no one knows who i am
where no one knows what has happened to me

for the first time in my life i feel content
for the first time in my life i feel safe
for the first time in my life i am not afraid to feel

a city that has filled my cracks with love
a city that has filled my belly with laughter
a city that has filled my body with compassion

thank you for saving me London

at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e

nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this