Though the perception is to live free,
That whole picture perfect life is always embedded. Instilled in all of us from birth.
Work, ******* work, and strive to do that family frenzy, nice house, nice car *******. **** the normalities of society. **** being. Sometimes just to breathe, to exist, to live, all of the above is a blessing. Sometimes it's a savior for yourself, but most times it's just a form of conformity for others. We are all ******* robots, one foot in front of the other, sir. March, march, march. Is it April yet? Have I made it yet? Another year of being the least successful person, the woah is me, the pitty party. Stop looking at me. Stop ******* looking at me with those eyes that tare up my insides. Stop feeling. Stop the noise. Just stop. Just stop. Oh yay! Another birthday soon to pass. Another year to conform to the systematic resemblance of what a family is supposed to be.

I'm writing this now, at this present moment in time, on the fly.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.
I had a plan to do things today, that obviously didn't get done.
I took my dog out and noticed the sun.
So I pulled my hood up, and when he was done I just came right back in.
I did, however, take notice to the passing of cars and my delusional mind just hoped that you'd be in one.
That you'd feel my presence dying.
I couldn't help but look down each time, because I spent the night crying and I don't like being noticed when my eyes are shining.
Rescue me.
The thoughts I have are drowning me.
I've got myself, and a throne I've built inside a castle of ******* thorns.
Keeping everyone that tries to get close held back by my bull horns.
My difficulties, and particularity.
My drinking problem that Im trying to acknowledge as an actual problem.
I have a diagnosis, a long one at that, but I don't like to be defined by it.
I don't like to let it hold me back.
I guess if all I have for myself is to say that hey, I'm breathing today, then that should make the day okay.
But today, I'm suffocating on my sadness.
Asphyxiating thoughts are keeping me from steady breaths and it's hard to just be.
I need some ******* sleep.
It's been two days of trying.
I don't like the feeling of flying.
Dozing off feeling like I'm free falling has hindered my eyes from staying shut.
It's taking a toll.
Enough is enough.
When will this weakness stop?
Why is there a line between need and want?
Ive never wanted anything more than for someone to just walk through my door.
Presence provokes persistence.
Pull through, keep pushing.

Your eyes shine
Like the sun
When you look at me.
The twinkle in your eye pierces my soul.
I hope this is love and not lust.
I hope that I trust and not run.
My eyes shine
Like the sun
When I look at you.
I see into your beautiful soul.
Your strength is impeccable.
Encouraging.
Your touch
Your kiss
Is my savior
You
Save me.

We accept the love we think we deserve
And I deserve you
No matter how much I hate myself
I know I deserve you.
That's why
I let you love me
And I accept it
And I'm breaking down walls
I'm tearing through all the parts of me
That just want to push you away.
I'm letting you love me
And I deserve it.

A break in the barrier
Of my universe.
Let you seep
Through the cracks.
But I think
I got swallowed into
A black hole.
Because I feel like
I'm constantly falling
Into your eyes.
It's like seeing the sunrise
From the bed in my basement.
The fear of leaving this island
That I've created.
When will I escape it?
When will I ever learn how to
Not sky dive without a parachute?
When will I learn how to not drown
In the depths of someone else's hurt?
You say all the things
That are jumbled up
Inside.
Even if they don't
Come out
Quite right.
Sleepless nights
Drugs eating away at
Your insides.
You're inside.
You're inside
My basement.
No windows to see
If the suns shining
Losing time.
You're losing time
You're losing time
Again.
So I sit,
And watch.
Silently beg
And falter at your feet.
Pleading.
Please
Please just be free.
Escape your mind.
Escape me.
Be your own personal rainbow.
Be your own personal jesus.
Be anything.
Just be.
Just be.
Just breathe.

Today is fire.
It's fire.
It's fire.
She burns like a thousand thorned roses.
Crashing downward to
Eternal hell fire.
Will you be my heroine?
Will you be my ******?
Make me dull and numb.
Make me lose myself in time.
Make me forget my name.
I exist only in memories that now a days
Black out and forget.
Black.
Everything is black.
And dark.
Feeling my way to the exit sign.
Big red letters.
Flashing lights.
It all comes around full circle.
To you.
And loss.
I can't remember my name.
I can't remember where I am.
Where are you?
The only ocean that could bring me to shore
Too bad I ******* drowned.
Blue lips, choking on words
Dead corpse, going limp.
Rigamortis.
I'm solid.
Solid.
Numb.
Dead.

I'm losing my mind.
Trying to find a will to survive.
I've made it 27 years
Forcing breath
To enter and exit my lungs.
Maybe I'm someone
Destined to join the 27 club.
Morbid as ****.
Im just tired.
Beer bottles.
Whisky lullabys.
******* lines.
Shots to survive.
Pills eating away my insides.
My chest ******* aches.
Love is by far
The worst ever pain.
I'm becoming dull
And numb.
Falling down the inevitable
Rabbit hole.
I've already lost my soul.
I'm gone dude.
Black skies.
Black eyes.
No ties to my former life.
**** all of you.
*******.
I'm done.

I always feel like words flow
With the alcohol inside my soul.
Ever encompassing by being.
This feeling is freeing.
Taking shots I can barely hold down.
Like the words that stay in my throat.
I want your presence to just go.
Escape me.
Let me be ******* free.
And I'll say it again,
Escape me.
Like a ghost
Haunting me.
Haunting my soul.
I just want for you to leave me alone.
I don't want you to invade my dreams.
I don't want to think of you when I just can't sleep.
I want to let my future grow.
I want to be more than you've ever even known.
Coming down to the fact that you never even knew me at all.
I'm a ******* flower.
Always in bloom.
Drawing you in with a beauty,
Untouchable.
Unknowing.
You don't know my name.
But I smell nice
So that is enticing enough.
Meet me in the forest,
Where my soul is bare.
Where I am me.
Free flowing with the dead trees.
I bloom and die
Bloom and die.
My presence is rebirthed
Over and over again.
I stand.
I stand as roots in the ground.
I am ******* sound.
I'll make you feel despair
Misery in everything
Yet, lift your spirit
To the highest of highs.
I'll make you fly
Like a blue bird.
Blue is all I see.
I used to see black, and sometimes green.
Now, all you see is me.
I invade your dreams.
You're in my thoughts as I am yours.
Euphoria only lasts so long it seems.
I'll always meet you in my dreams.

I breathed you in for the last time.
Crying eyes
While our bodies entwined.
Intensity in asphyxiation.
Your heart suffocates mine.
Collapsed lungs,
Breathing heavy.
I wish we were steady.
Standing on two feet.
One path to lead.
Hands entwined
Down dark tunnels
Leading us to the light.
It's dim,
But it still shines.
You're always in the back if my mind.
In the hiding place
I need to keep you.
Safe
And sound.
Never to be found again.
There's no such thing as light.
I'm bound
To life
Without you.

Music in your ears.
Music in your ears,
Freeing your fears.
Step out of the doubt.
Step out.
Step out of yourself
Holding you back.
Don't shed a single tear.
Don't let them see you cry.
Coping skills instilled
Since the age of nine.
All I want to do is take my time.
Time to breathe,
Time to see,
Time to be.
Beauty is ******* free.
It's all around you.
It's all around me.
Step back, open your eyes,
And believe.

A fluttering light is pulling me back inside.
My mind.
Soaring towards that great white light.
I'm dead inside.
I can't breathe.
I can't see.
Come inside me.
Dangerous cycle of a downward spiral.
No care in the world.
Running in circles.
Arms length,
Always.
Stay away.
Stray cat.
Birds of prey.
Soar high until you touch the light.
Try to free your mind.
Don't leave tonight.
This isn't right.
These codependent issues
Won't last in life.
Abandon your vice.
Use your voice
To say enough.
Used up.
Advances of people you don't even want to touch.
Wanting is a rush.
Always searching for that euphoric real love.
A word made up.
Body going numb.
Breathe deep.
Just keep breathing.
Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Emotions taking leave.
Flightless bird,
Just sing me to sleep.
Pain killers to confine my endless dreams.
You're still all I see.
I don't want to know
I want to ******* grow.
Drink bleach to whiten the tainted dark presence your name has on my teeth.
I want to see rainbows when you suffocate me.
I want to glow.
Fly.
Soar.
I don't speak muted volumes.
I ******* roar.
I've earned my stripes.
I'm a lioness.
I prey on my own soul.
I have no heart.
These words are my art.
Making sense to the brain in my own head.
Disguising lines filled with dread.
Dispair disrupts duality.
Normality.
There's no such thing.
Life is but a dream.
It's a ******* dream.
Sometimes nightmares.
Seeing stars.
But we breathe because we have to.

I'm capable of writing about positivity.
And how negative things most times escape me.
I'm capable of telling you that you are not just a product of your life thus far.
And that you're capable of living.
But maybe I just like sad ****.
Most times it's not even sad.
It's emotion.
Feeling through words.
And music.
Because I've spent years feeling through people.
And I've learned, that it will always be a let down.
And let's face it, let downs ****.
So I live with no expectations.
But I strive for greatness.

In the waves I've lost
Every trace of you.
Where are you?
Don't you see me drowning?
Inside I'm dying too.
I've lost you.
You.
The boat that always
Floated me to a steady shore.
To Solid ground.
Swimming through riptides
Is hard to do alone.
My lungs are suffocating
From the sound
The crashing
Of waves.
As I drown.
Down
Down
Down
I wash away.
I wash away
All trace.
Of you.

The ultimate struggle of
"On Letting Go"
Repeat that five times.
Swallow, rinse, repeat.
Swallow, rinse.
Swallow.
Alcohol, alcohol.
Pills to make you feel alive.
And all your trying to do is survive
Survive.
Survive.
******* breath.
Breathe.
Don't. Do. It.
Don't choke.

Trust is a lie.
Nobody ever really knows anyone.
Truth only leads to mistrust.
Which is why people lie to begin with.
In the hopes of holding on.
I've always been one to find it difficult
To hold on.
Which is why I choose to embrace truth.
The steady embrace of pushing people away.

I'm tired of standing still.
There is only one way to go.
Forward moving with
One foot in front of the other.
This waiting game has become
A course of feeling
Unpleasant.
I resign myself from playing.
I hold myself higher these days.
I refuse to feel used.
I'm not here for your convenience.
To come and go as you choose.
Release me.
Release me.
From the hands that bind
The turns of time.
Let me be free of my mind.
I want my planted roots to grow like vines.
I want to shine.
Elevate into the sun soaked sky.
I want to fly.
Free.
Free.
I wear a crown, but it is rusted.
I see with eyes blurred.
I breathe shallow breaths.
I am but a glorious mess.
Broken to be strong like you.
Broken to not speak unless spoken to.
Broken to not show emotion.
All this is just a notion.
My eyes are blurred but not blind.
They are wide.
They are wide.
I see too much.
I say too much.
I do too much.
Everything just leads back to nothing.
Abandoned.
Abandoned.
You're leaving.
You left.
You're gone.
And still the hands of time remain.
And the words,
And the motions.
Of on letting go, and taking things slow.
"The poems you write are supposed to flow."
"Read this, write like that."
"Don't be foolish."
"Don't combat."
"Unless it's combat boots, because that's rad"
Well, all I have to say is
**** that.
But yeah, combat boots ARE rad.

I guess it's time to start writing again about tragedy.
Like the fact that my love life is lacking.
Pretty ******* tragic.
I'm missing the magic.
The spark.
Skin on skin.
Tongues twist.
Firm hands on my small wrists.
Is it really that weird to like small *****?
I don't even know how to write this.
I guess plain and simply stating,
I need to get laid.
Toys don't do the trick to rattle my cage.
I like the seductive tugging on my heartstrings.
I like trying new things.
Asphyxiation isn't new,
But I like that too.
Slow, sensual, passionately poetic flowing.
Or rough and tough, break walls and stuff kind of *******.
Ever growing.
Ever changing.
Breathing in sweaty skin.
I like that kind of
Comfortable sin.

I had a spur of the moment
Random decision.
To turn left and take the bridge.
I saw you walking.
I saw you.
You saw me.
And when our eyes met
I felt a rattling feeling in my ribcage.
I shook like a leaf on a tree.
That same nervous anxiety
I get before I read my words
To a group of people.
What does that even mean?
What does it mean to have randomly been put on a path where I would see you again?
It hurt to see you.
A stinging, aching hurt.
And now all I want to do is break down and cry.
But I wont.
I might still uncontrollably feel these things inside.
But I won't let myself break.
I won't let myself really feel it.
After all,
You're the one who doesn't love me.
All that's left is to pick up all of the broken pieces
and move forward.
I just never thought
a mere eye locking moment would send shivers down my spine.
I never thought seeing you again would be like having a heart attack.

You think.
You think that you are in my thoughts.
Why do you have to have to have such a big head
To think that you are on my mind.
To even think that I'd waste my time.
You're not that important, really.
You don't invade my insides like you think you do.
Actually, I used to gag every time I went down on you.
But hey, have fun with the fact that when you ate my ****, you ate some guys **** too.
How does it feel to be used?
How does it feel to be knocked down off your pedestal?
Let that sink in, let it resonate for a bit.
And if you need me to make it clear,
It's simple,
I **** ****.
Do you even wanna know how many people came before you?
What did you expect?
I guess now you're finally able to understand blackouts and regret.
Have fun with that.
While you spiral downward,
I'm flying to the highest of highs.
I can honestly say,
I ******* love my life.

You'll think I'm all in,
When I'm really 1 foot out the door.
Building myself up,
So I can close it for good.
And lock it away.
Never looking back.
There is no going back
After this.
Hopes loves lost.
I believed you.
I believed in you. In us.
Only for you to betray my trust.
You're only after lust.
Hope you're happy with yourself.
You've lost the family we were building.
And for what?

Intoxication
Leads to skin on skin.
Embracing sobriety
Has me closed off
Once again.
There's that feeling.
Wondering.
Wondering
If this means anything.
Something
Nothing.
For what it's worth,
It means everything to me.
I know you see
When you look at me.
The longing in my eyes.
My body is a guarded temple.
And you're the only one with the key.
Knock knock knocking
But you're free to come in.

I sat in a corner of a room filled with noise.
I saw you.
And all I wanted to do was get up,
Hug you,
And say,
I forgive you.
Instead I drowned myself in alcohol,
In hopes to forget the reaccuring thoughts rushing in.
You hugged her.
She hugged you.
Like nothing bad ever existed in the first place.
Like she never even believed me at all.
So I drove
And I screamed at the top of my lungs
For someone to just wrap me up in their arms.
While I collapsed
While I fell and hit rock bottom again.
Tears seeping through every pore within.
And we aren't friends.
Because I asked for help, and you were too wasted to care.
And I asked for you to tell me to stop,
But instead,
With no response,
I just downed pill after pill,
Because really, you don't care at all.
And I ******* needed you, in my darkest hour.
But you showed your character.
I should have known from the begining,
The colors of your heart
Because you didn't even show up for your dad's funeral.
And I'd honestly die all over again if you tried to show up at mine.

**** man,
Torn between two people
Who are equally enthralling.
Both tearing my soul in opposite directions.
Both on my mind.
Both equally not wanting me at the same time.
Which leads me to thinking that I'm not enough.
I feel like I make the tides rough.
The seas get heavy with salt.
The pull.
The push.
The waves wash over me,
And I am anew.
If only,
If only I mattered to you.
I'm ******* delusional.
I should just get in my car and drive afar.
Far away.
From the life I've lived.
From the life that's defined me.
Leave everything behind.
Be free of my mind.

****,
I'm at it again.
Believing that caring exists.
When most people
Are just in your life
To make you feel like ****.
This feels like ****.
Letting people in.
But not too close.
Ok?
You inevitably
Will just always be
An arms length away
Emotions just make people crazed.
And then you have to go back to the first line.
Because when the ending comes
You just rewrite the rhyme.
When the end comes
You just add a quaint line.
When the end comes,
It's never really an end.
Because you're always begining again.

Finding an escape in a maroon bag.
I'm almost out.
Three just wasn't enough.
It lasted awhile,
But the euphoria doesn't last long.
This feeling reminds me of you.
Touching me.
It's the closest thing
To the feeling of love.
Replacement.
I resent myself.
I wish nothing ever ******* happened.
Then I wouldn't feel the lack.
The lack of everythig good and bad.
All at once.
You always were my compass star.
You were the truest north
In my universe.
I'm sorry I'm so ****** up.
How many times does "I'm sorry"
Have to escape from my lungs?
I resolve to not have any emotions.
I don't want to let myself feel.
Except when it comes to you.
I can't stop.
I can't do anything to escape
The prison of everything.
Consuming my being.
Confining.
Suffocating.
******* suffocate me.
Choke me until I beg for air.
Bruise my body all over.
I liked seeing our lust
As a painting
On my body.
I was your canvas for the night.
Fingers deep in my air way.
Broken glasses.
Broken promises.
I promised myself
I'd never let you have me again.
It hurts.
It hurts so ******* bad.
I'm going mad.
I belong in a ******* hospital bed.
A future promised.
You promised me.
You promised you'd always love me.
That I'd never be alone.
I can't do this without you.
You were my ******* god.
I worshiped you.
You were my hope.
You were everything.
Everything.
And now I have ******* nothing.
I feel like nothing
Without you.

Unbridled burning red.
Eyes.
Come what may.
Save these feelings for another day.
Maybe I should learn to pray.
Pray to a god I don't believe in.
Pray for peace and
And.
Just to keep breathing.
Shallow.
Beating.
Numb.
I'm not cold.
On fire, hot like the sun.
Rays, rays shine from that great white light.
Is this what it's like to burn?
Run, run, run.
From the trigger of a gun.
Bang, bang, bang.
The big bad wolf is at it again.
And I'm still seeing blue.
Dark blue in a grey hued room.
I'm still seeing you.
Take off the masks that the monsters wear, and you'll see,
You'll ******* see,
They are but human, too.
And we all falter, and we all fail.
To choose, over choice.
Choosing life?
Soul on soul,
Uplifting.
Forgiving.
Forgive me for my sins.
Do unto yourself as what's been brought out by them.
By them.
By men.
**** what you thought was true.
**** everything you believe in.
*******.
*******.
*******.
The opposite of what you know is also true.
**** the end and begin again.
This is not a replayed tape.
This is this.
Just what it is.
Just let it be.
It is what it is.
Believe, believe.
Free falling.
Free your mind, and you'll find me.
Please just say I'll stay in your memory.
And when the wind blows,
You'll feel me.
Lost and found.
Lost.
But you have me.
And if have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
A piece of me will always live in you.

Tongues twisted again.
You're still my best friend.
I've missed the comfortability.
Skin on skin.
Naked again.
Emotions stripped
Bare to the surface.
I feel my pupils widen
When I see you.
It's electricity.
The currents of two souls
Colliding.
Entwining again.
The almost extinguished Flame
Once again ignited
on full blast.
You may very well be
My addiction.
Still struggling to see the reality.
Still struggling to fight the thoughts that you don't love me.
Still struggling to just be.
Maybe this is the begining of the begining again.
Maybe this is the begining of the end.
Closure sometimes comes when you least expect it.
Finishing the last chapter in our book.
Everything is written in the stars.
Our love will forever be eternal.

Sometimes I'll graze
And my eyes will wonder
Onto the now dead flowers
In the corner of my room
Of course I'll think of you
Of your words
And how I destroy you.
But it's a fleeting thought
Because I'm more than destruction.
You just didn't have the patience
To let me evolve.
I'm never going in a box again.
I will not mend myself
To fit into anyone's standards.
I will not deceive me
To be someone you will love.
I choose me, in all light
And dark.
I choose myself
Because in the end,
Everyone dies alone
And in the end
I'm all that matters.

I'm falling into the same patterns
Again.
Not making a sound.
Of sacrificing feelings
Just to keep them around.
When will I escape the bond
My heavy head holds
On my vast heart.
Continuous lessons
In the dark.
*******.
I'm going back to the start.
You'll never penetrate
The concrete walls
Of this castle I've built.
It might be time to say
Goodbye.
Before you give me the chance
To even say
Hello.
Because starting is always easier
Than letting go.
You left as fast as you came.
Maybe I'm just pushing you away.
Stuck in a stagnant life
Entitled hope.
Hope for the best
But inevitably
Expect the worst.
Is that how it goes?
When will I meet the end of my rope?
I climb.
I'm climbing.
Up and up,
But
It feels like I'm constantly falling.
I'm driving down a one way road,
Swirving through oncoming traffic.
Constantly hitting brick walls,
When I feel like a ghost.
I should be able to travel through space and time, without touching anything,
Right?
It's morning again.
And I find myself asking
If you even remember my name?
Because, again, I can't remember anything.
Wake up
And take a sip.
Take a ****.
Go to work.
Puke your guts.
Repeat.
Repetitive
Relapses.
And you have the power to change.
But it's your choice to stay.
And I can't begin
To let you in
With the exit music
Always playing in the background.

There's a fire.
A fire.
I'm my chest.
An ache.
A burning fuckng disaster.
And I search.
I'm searching.
For some water,
Eveeywhere.
Just to put out this flame,
But I can't find any
Anywhere.
So I start to drink liquor,
As if that will be a cure.
Anything to make this fire go away.
And the fire in my heart is your love.
******* burning.
Suffocating my lungs with
Black smoke.
I'm not choking this time.
I'm not going ro falter.
I'm. Not going to fail.
I'm gonna climb up that ******* cliff
And dive into a deep ocean.
Submerse myself
Extinguish myself.
The flame in my heart
Will be forced to subside.
The flame in my heart
Once refused,
Will die.

Every word pulls me in.
Closer.
Deeper.
To
Stardust
And oblivion.
Intelligence is appealing
To all senses.
Especially the nerves
Between my legs.
Your voice flutters
Into my ******* chest.
And though it rips it to shreds,
I love the pain.
Please hurt me some more.
Speak your volumes
With your muted silence.
Let's ******* scream.
Hand in hand
On mountain tops.
From the miles
That separate our skin.
Skin on skin
Hands tied in knots
Around my throat
Suffocating my lungs
Gasping for breath.
Feel me.
Feel my depths
Feel my soul.
**** me from the inside.

I took four pills in hopes I'd sink, and then took four more to **** this sting.
The ache in my chest isn't going away. I'm not fading into my bed like the usual haze.
Have I built up that much of a tolerance?
I think I need something stronger than this.
My medicine is running out and surely without it I will die.
But I've been told before that you can't die from anxiety or panic attacks.
I think that's a lie.
Because when the things I can't control come rushing in, my heartstrings rip, tear, and break.
And I know for a fact that you can die from that.
Loss of breath, loss of air, loss of oxygen.
Just sum up everything to loss.
What stage am I on?
I think there are five, but every single one I go through I think that I'll decay.
It's like a constant circle of words on replay.
Those words that affect me and hinder my day.
Regressing is not a good feeling.
Remembering is not a good feeling.
Feeling is not a good ******* feeling.
Can't I just go back to being numb?
Can't I just go back to before you lit me up with your sun.
Light shines on a corner in the room.
Bodies entwine.
But this is not a cure or a solvant for what's happening inside.
You say you're not like the rest,
But I can't help but feel like I'm the cause of this mess.
I enter lives and then they end up destroyed.
I am a walking breathing shock wave of feelings.
And everything leads back to leaving.
Run, run, run.
Be sure not to play with guns.
Or knives.
Sharp objects have to be hidden from sight.
I dare you to speak your mind.
You are confined to four walls, getting shots just to conform inside.
God forbid you have a thought in your own head.
God forbid you actually speak. But speaking reality just turns into screaming.
And then it's a battle of whits and fists.
Fighting the knots tied to your wrists.
Thrashing in a cold bed, four white walls closing in.
Please, please, please don't touch me again.
Please, I'll conform, I'll take your stupid pills, I'll pretend like I'm normal. I'll shut up and fall in line, I'll take the shot right into my spine.
I'll go limp, and fade away.
And then will come another day.
But tomorrow, don't worry, I'll have nothing to say.
I've learned my lesson I promise. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
This is substance.
Sustanance.
This is my soul leaving my body.
This is me losing time.
I guess somewhere inside, though, there is still a fight to shine.

One day I looked into a mirror and felt at home with myself.
I was the one and only thing I needed.
I needed to find myself.
I could look back and be ashamed or discouraged.
Coupled with feelings of regret.
But it's not worth it.
I'll always be forward moving.
With one foot in front of the other.
Time stands still for no one.
You are the only representation of you that will ever be.
You're a gift.
Love yourself first
And the rest will follow.
Only time can tell.
Only time will heal.
Sometimes the wounds will never close,
But atleast you'll be strong enough
To know.
Recognize.
There is beauty in all aspects of life.

He never wanted me for me, he just wanted me for the come stains on his sheets.
To get inside me deep.
To **** me in my sleep and invade my endless dreams.
I believed all the endless words,
Lies told to undress my soul.
I let him in, which was my biggest mistake.
Concrete castle, I'll never open the gates.
The other half of my brain screams
You're not the reason or the rhyme.
The line or the quote.
You're every ******* word, every letter, all the signs.
Tame tame tame, sweet lioness.
Hold on, just wait. Wait for forever if that's what it takes.
But see, I've spent lifetimes waiting in the past. Holding myself back.
So one day I vowed, come what may.
Take everything in stride, never ever abide.
Alway ******* hide.
Just hide it away.
All the ******* pain.
Until it just ceases to exist.
I don't exist.
I'm fools gold
Sweet wrapped delicate flower.
But I'll be sure to give you cavities and make your teeth fall out.
You'll eat too much.
Too fast.
Never stopping to brush your teeth and think.
Never stopping to look in the mirror and ask yourself who do I see?
Because you'll start not to see anything, anyone, but me.
I'll invade your lungs like cancerous cigarette smoke.
Every inhaled word with danger between your lips.
Your body will rot from my touch, or lack there of.
You'll get sick and shake, have to take cold showers just to think.
At the same time not having a thought in your head.
All the signs read caution:
But you just can't help to dive right into inevitable destruction.
Your mind reads need. Need. NEED.
And by that point mines only on flee.
My disappearing act is second nature.
Now you see me, now you dont.

It comes in waves, the chaos, the pain. Where did everything go wrong? The fluttering flight of heartstrings getting pulled by loss. Drowning out the pounding noise my chest makes and the steady gasps for struggled breath. We are all our own savior; I am my own god.

Free falling into thoughts of you.
Is it so ******* bad to just wonder why?
Why it ever happened in the first place.
Time wasted, memories lost in translation.
Translating sanity
While going through the depths of hell.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry for those nights in my car
Screaming at the top of my lungs.
Trying to find the ******* will
To just drive over that cliff.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry that I put you in the category of a savior
Because at the time I didn't know how to save myself.
And sometimes I still dont.
It's like all those skills to cope
Go out the window with your fleeting hope.
Especially while holding a bottle of pills in one and a knife in the other hand.
Now the thoughts of you are fading
I feel like I am just decaying.
The lack of your touch.
The lack of that ******* euphoric love.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I sunk into my bed yet again today.
It's ******* hard to face the noise.
It's hard to feel the joys.
Fragments of a future
Are halted with a lack of breath.

Waves.
Waves.
In my ocean,
Keep a steady motion.
Don't stop flowing.
Recite the words that constantly
Bring me back to a solid shore.
No more.
No more
Wishful thinking.
Thinking has me feeling once again.
Feelings and I don't agree.
I do decree .
I solemnly sware.
My heart will never again be bare.
Fight through the baracades.
Get splinters by thorns.
Devilish horns.
And a snicker unmatched.
Attract.
Attract sin.
Skin on skin.
Thinking had me feeling to let you in.
I'm ******.

So yeah, I write a lot of sad ****.
But this one isn't going to be.
This is going to be my future life.
Of writing books, that get sold over seas.
Of all the amazing souls I have yet to meet.
Of all the people who are going to travel just to hear me read.
Of all the various feelings my words provoke.
Because honestly, if I've ever made you feel a ******* thing from reading what I write, then my purpose is complete.
I want to touch lives.
I want to make your darkest days feel alive.
As well as make you wonder why your happy at all.
Or what happiness even is.
I want to make you question everything,
As well as believe that there are more than one or two ways of thinking.
And for the record, **** silence.
Because I'll always be on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.
And I'll never quite know how to keep my mouth shut.
And for the record, I like how even that statement can be misconstrued to form a negative opinion of me.
But that's what I love.
To rattle the cages of one's heart.
To battle the most serious of thoughts.
To write words provoked by others, but mostly about myself.
And I guess when reading my stuff, in life, you should know that sometimes I write to myself, and that you may not mean you, and your may mean my or I.
Regardless of this wordplay twist, the words I write will make you think.
And with that said, my job is complete.

Hope's love lost.
The weight of the universe.
In a four letter word.
Words are meaningless.
Eyes bare the soul.
Eyes lie in depths.
Deeper feeling,
Deeper regrets.
Killing noise
With substance.
Solitary confinement.
Vines bind us.
Taring deep into wrists.
Leaving a plethora
Of white slits.
Unwanted.
Thrown out.
I'm a black plastic trash bag.
Filled with red solo cups.
A whisky lullaby
On display.
Wax paper escape.
Goodbye,
Adios.
Falling down the rabbit hole.

I just want you to wrap me up in your arms.
Tell me everything will be alright.
You're the only voice that calms the war in my mind.
Why didn't you fight?
I was growing stronger.
And you took flight.
Destroying the most guarded part.
My heart.
I'm a tin man
In a wizard of Oz.
Please just let me find the man behind the curtain.
Something to believe in.
I need a new *****.
I need to be able to breathe again.
How much more time will have to be wasted?
On letting go.
On the downfall.
I just want to stand tall.
But I cant.
You will always be the other half of my whole.
Soul on soul.
So much more than anything I've ever known.
But I know nothing.
Was that even a true life feeling?
What is real?
How do you deal?
Washing my life down a drain
Seems easier than dealing with all this ******* pain.
I gave up before.
And I'll do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

It's the hardest thing to admit.
To face facts and contemplate on turning off the switch.
Every time I come close, something inside me says stop.
Which just leads to inevitable loss.
Because getting a taste of friendship without expectations, actually leads to me expecting we'd have that forever.
But these feelings don't come easily.
It took so much of me.
And I fumbled, and I faught,
Which caused you to flee.
I hoped for more.
I hoped that you'd be the ocean to my shore.
Always being the rush of current, guiding me to steady ground.
And I know
I know I have that for myself.
Epitomes and ****.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to quit.
I'm capable of being my own sound.
I'll always wear my jagged crown.
Maybe I saw someone who wasn't afraid to get splinters while tearing through the thorns around my throne.
Feeling is just not a good feeling to me.
Because I was destroyed by the same fluttering.
And that was bad, but this is worse.
Because the destruction came in other ways, but I knew that there was something else.
And the constant question on my mind, is if you ever even cared at all?
And wondering if I even knew the real you.
Why is it always that the one person we don't want to even think about, we can't stop writing about?
I guess it's just finally time to say enough is enough.
The wondering feeling is torture.
It's rough.
I guess here's to hoping I have the strength to give up.
I guess it's true what they say, the thing worth holding onto wouldn't have let go in the first place.

I wanted to say this now, because I'm ****** up on pills.
That I'm destroying my life.
Wasting my time.
And the words that you said to me still resonate in my mind.
I feel the blame is steady, on my shoulders.
I hold the weight of the world like heavy boulders.
Screams come out with no sound.
And every resemblance of a word that makes it out through my lips is just your name.
I am bound.
I am tied to the years spent thinking this could last.
I am confined to the jewelry and shoes.
Almost leading us to an altar. Almost saying "I do."
The foundation was cracked from the begining so we packed concrete into the holes hoping we could make this house a home.
But the wind blew.
And the tornado came with rays of sun.
Taking you with the four steady walls I built my life upon.
Along with the words I love you.
Because that day the tornado came and went, love died and the rain washed away any resemblance of a home.
Now I find myself homeless and alone.
And I guess I can't help but to believe what you said, that no one will ever love me more than you did.
You instilled it in me with words enforced by a song and songs.
I think it was just to make sure I'd stay numb.
And I think what hurts the most is the fact that you took flight the second you noticed me becoming strong.
I built myself up and then you were gone.

I felt like writing something deeper than anything before.
On a conversation.
Ode to your spirituality,
And the words you said, that resonate in my mind.
You know, the time that your on that couch, and your knees are being shoved apart.
And you're saying no.
And you're shutting down.
When it's done, repaint the picture.
Hug your abuser.
Saying "I forgive you"
And truly meaning it,
Is the hardest, but most priceless gift
That you could ever give yourself.
Because maybe you know the life your abuser has led may have been tragic.
Like getting screamed at, or locked in closets.
Or maybe they are just that.
Repaint the picture, and when the image is done replaying, say "I forgive you".
Open the door to the rest of your life.
To the newfound freedom those words actually allow.

Turmoil.
The epic adventure begins.
Dead trees surround the sadness within.
Beauty is free.
Beauty is ******* free.
I'll never fall in love again, so you're just wasting your time.
Give up before you begin.
I am nothing.
I am flesh, and bone, and skin covered with scars.
My body is just a body
Use me, abuse me.
**** me, **** me up. **** me hard.
Make me ******* feel.
Make me numb.
Make me give up.
I already have.
Searching for a way out without the inevitable let down.
**** all of you.
******* all.
I don't give a **** about any one of you *****.
People are meaningless and forgettable, as are words and motions and ******* time.
Time.
Time is ******* precious and I've spent enough of it.
I'm spent.
I'm fading.
All I will ever be is a memory, if ever you even remember.
Will you remember me?
As time moves forward, memories get lost in translation.
Translating the name.
Translating sanity,
I am not sane.
I give up.
I'm pulling away, pushing closer to plan A.
I'm a fleeting thought.
I am human after all.
All those born will someday die, and die alone.
Nobody really gets anyone, nobody ******* understands.
I mean, they say they do, like they have you all figured out, but lying has come as second nature.
The ultimate lie being "I'm fine."
I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm breathing today.
I'm breathing today and I guess that's ok.
Conforming my inner self to live outwardly for others.
****.
Just give me hope.
A change of scenary.
A better thought process.
All I've ever known is dependency.
It's a shame. I preach peace, and clarity.
But really that's not me.
I am a distraught thought of past tragedy.
A tape on replay.
Half the time I'm naked, it's not you who's ******* me.

I miss your love.
Always like the tide.
An ocean bringing someone to shore.
Or finding a steady path on my own two feet.
Loving myself.
Being enough to myself.
To let me breathe.
But I still miss you..
And I wonder,
Endlessly,
Will I ever find that again?
Will anyone ever love me as much as you did?
Do you still?
I can't take much more of cheap thrills.
I like climbing mountains,
And diving deep depths.
Feeling full from someone's surface within.
I need.
I ******* need
Someone to stimulate me.
I need the earth to move,
Under my feet.
I need the riptides to drown me.
I need to suffocate.
I need to suffer from silence.
I already am.
And again,
Where are you?
Where are you
In life,
when you should be with me.
I don't use the word need.
But I need you.
I need you.
See me.
Free me.

Down.
Down.
Down.
Into the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
You'll never be the other half of a whole.
Advances of disadvantages.
Disregarded deep rooted feelings.
You never ******* knew me.
Evading sleep patterns.
Dark dreams.
Twisting and turning.
**** me.
I'm ******.
Last hug.
Last love.
Last trust.
**** lust.
A future of failure.
Suspending disbelief.
Eyes wide,
But I can not see.
It's dark in the color patterns.
Of different bags.
Landslide.
Cliff hang.
Drop to your knees and ******* beg.
Filling voids with flesh.
Surrenity in superstition.
Arms length,
Never breaking the surface.
Surface scars.
Surface bruises.
Bruised egos.
The truth loses.
Always ******* losing.

Let's dance on the past
For awhile.
For the night.
Thinking about things
That just aren't right.
She's your favorite person cuz
She ****** you right?
Unbenounst to you,
She's the love of my life.
And *******,
I don't even know why.
My ******* soul is entwined.
I just wanna stop the noise.
There is no such thing as joy
Or hope.
My neck is tied,
Hung from a rope.
I like to choke.
On words
Both said and
Unread
Snort some **** to escape the inevitable end.
Oh yeah, let's just ******* pretend.
Pretend real emotions mean nothing in the end.

Why?
Why?
The timing is all wrong.
You should have left me nine plus years ago,
When I didn't know who I was.
If I was straight
Or gay
Or just me.
You should have left me when I found comfort in the arms of tragedy
And alcohol.
Men and women.
Downward spiraling to
Self destruction.
Yet you waited
You waited to tare me down
And make me feel every ounce of pain that I put you through.
Not in actions
But words are far worse.
Because you told me that you love me
And made me believe it
And your arms were the only ones I wanted
But it took me years to truly open myself up to you.
To break down all of the walls I put up
To stop subconsciously destroying Myself
Destroying you in the process.
Not knowing that the whole time
You were the one who was going to inevitably destroy me.
Nine years.
And all the smiles
And tears
And ****** up words
And break ups
And make ups
And above all,
Love.
After all that ******* feeling
Poured into three words.
After I fully gave
My entire self
My entire being
To you.
You woke up one day
And decided
That you just don't love me
Anymore.
And I broke into
A million little pieces
And in every piece
I wonder
If you ever
Ever even
Loved me
At all.

This feeling is so overwhelming.
I don't know how to tell if it is real,
Or just another convoluted idea
A delusional thought in my head.
I want so badly to say those three
Pulsatingly powerful words
To you.
My sun, my moon.
But I feel as though it may be too soon.
You bring light to my darkness
You make stars collide inside
Your energy makes me feel alive
All i want is to always be by your side
I wanna ride this wave of feelings
Consuming every ounce of my being.
This movement is freeing.
I.
Getting closer to the ground
That euphoric rush of sound
Your voice.
Your voice lifts me up when I am down.
You pull my heartstrings in more than one direction.
Love.
Isn't real.
I don't know how to feel.
Facade, fakery.
I need to make this moment me.
Breaking walls so I can fly free
And not just in my endless dreams.
You.
Complete me.
Make me whole.
I don't wanna live this life alone.
I see you in all light
I see you in the dark.
I want you
I want your good and bad
I want everything in between.
And you say you need me.
And I finally get to the point in the poem where I scream at the top of my lungs,
Just tell me you love me.
Always.
Wishing.

I like that sad slow jazz.
With the trumpets
and the sax.
It reminds me how to feel
And live
And die
All at once.
It moves mountains in my soul
And makes my eyes rain
Rainbows.
It's like seeing color
in black and white
All the while freeing
My soul.
It sets me on fire
Yet puts out the flame.
Yeah, I like that sad
That sad slow jazz.
That whirlwind
Buzzing
Flying
Flight of a sound.
That melody and harmony
That strength
And sorrow.
Oh I like,
I like that sad slow jazz
It reminds me
Of love.