unless there’s something
that i missed
the right direction
doesn’t exist
and i’m left
endlessly wandering
as i’m clumsily
stumbling
into
walls
there’s nothing
at all
nowhere i belong
none of this
adds up
life doesn’t
make any ******* sense
it’s all wrong

i don’t know
what’s a bigger mess
this meat in my head
or this thing in my chest
they’re both ******* stupid
always trying to see who’s best
when in reality
they’re both ****** up
so there’s really
no contest

i try to be funny
because when
i make people laugh
i can trick myself
for a moment
into thinking i’m happy
and when those moments end
it all comes rushing back
all the thoughts of
self hatred
the fear of inadequacy
the disgust of my complacency
and then i remember all over again
why i keep ending up
back here
in this hole
but it doesn’t matter
what i know
i just don’t
care enough
to make things better
i just hope
i don’t grow old