Here we go
rollercoaster,
when I thought you were steady.
Steady now, really steady.

You panicked me, you know.
Instant, reflexive,
self blame.
Steady up, steady.

Our children need you
and they need me more
when you’re gone.
Steady, I’ll be steady.

I measure my progress:
receive your news; panic.
Process and move forward.
Steady, actually steady.

Here I stand
or lie
or sleep.

All the work to get here,
and the feelings feel
embarrassing,
self indulgent.
I want to hide them,
yet they keep returning.

I’ve worked through an ex.
I’ve sorted the mortgage.
Therapy for the trauma
(The trauma! Ridiculous!)
am out the other side…
still navel gazing.

About the rest of it.
The choices
the job
the restlessness.
Likeability, life purpose.

And just now,  
you’ve made me laugh
and laugh and laugh.
Thank you.

Up and down
Listen to your heart
follow the joy and
Supplant negative with
memories of the good.
Tend towards the positive.
Plant that black tar
with flowers that
oxygenate, allow breath,
replenish.

I feel untethered from you.
Unknowable.
Silent, and
behind walls.
There’s mistrust here,
a looking at actions
and finding them wrong.
So, uncertain, I look for more.
You feel this, and adjust your actions.
It must be exhausting,
like a marionette
without a player,
and we’re still quiet.
I’m still so quiet.

My kids can be rude to you
It’s true.
You raise points
that I’m trying to absorb.
Why were feelings pent up
so much
to put me, us,
in this position?
There can’t be
competition.

Hey
where are we?
It’s confusing.
It’s been this way
for a while now.
You feel better,
you let it out.
Me— wrung out.
Emotional tsunami
no clarity for me.
Was that healthy?
Or extremely un-so.
You want time with me.
Ah the irony.
You want quality time?
Ah the angry.
The angry.