I’m only supposed to live until 27
27
I am already 21
That means I have 6 years left
6 years feels like so many more lifetimes
Only 23% survive
Am i strong enough to be in the 23%?
I don’t think i am
Nothing is helping
I tell people the meds help
But i’m lying to them just as much as myself
This is a deadly disease
It destroys your mind and your body

I’m not sure how i really feel
I never am
That’s the curse of infatuation
The curse of mental illness
The curse of saying you love hard
When in reality you don’t know what love feels like
I’ve never seen true love
But i am a master in manipulation
I know exactly how to get what i need
But you can’t manipulate your way into love
I’ve tried
I’ve mimicked their mannerisms
Become someone i thought they’d want to love
But i’ve never been enough
Despite ripping myself apart
Over and over again
I’m left with pieces of confetti floating away after the last song of a concert
And i don’t know how to pick up my bits and pieces anymore
So i keep finding the next infatuation
Hoping they will grab a broom and help me
Or at least slow the wind from blowing me away
But i’m always left crying in my bed
Wondering what i could have done differently
Never considering maybe i wasn’t the issue
Because if i have destroyed myself for others
if refuse to believe my work was in vain
The curse of mental illness and trauma
Makes the victim believe they must be at fault
And if they would have been better or different it wouldn’t have happened to them
Otherwise you run the risk of becoming cold and hard
Because how can you ever trust again when people are capable of such cruelty?

I am not built for peace
I was raised in war
It is where i find comfort
So looking for peace in love
Is like looking for water in the desert
Yet i still crave peace
I just don’t know how to live in it

How do you live in such a contradiction

How can one know what they actually want

do you know how ****** life is?
it is a bunch of people who don't trust
who are so ******* broken and bruised
who are trying to love each other
despite the pain of the past
but getting hurt over and over
turning to suicide as the only option

i tried turning there

an ode to my soundcloud rapper.
it's 1:30 am on a wednesday night
i should be doing my homework or sleeping

i'm supposed to surprise you friday at work
but
you sent me a snapchat a few hours ago
that has me spinning to hard to drive the 4 hours home to you
"i'm sorry for trespassing on your heart. you just aren't as spiritually mature as the woman i am going to be with needs to be"
and then you went to bed
well actually
you opened my response an hour later
and then
ignored me
i just wanted to hear your voice one last time
is that so awful?

no it isn't
what is awful
is that you said you wanted to marry me
and that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life
you said that women deserve to be treated like queens and that's how you would treat me.
when i told my best friend that, she just looked at me and i could see the pitty in her eyes. when she spoke, i didn't hear the words so much as i heard the underlying warning, comforting, anger, fear, sadness.
"he sounds like a stupid *** soundcloud rapper"
"no" i said "he is a good Christian guy. he wants to treat me right."


i know you think you are speaking life into people's lives. i know you don't care how much it hurts them. but you should. i am not going to change for you. i am changing for myself. so that when you see me years from now, you can see that i grew through your toxicity. that it was simply a stepping stone. so, thank you for helping me realize even more warning signs. and for finally making me realize i should never apologize for standing up for myself. no matter how many people i lose along the way. goodbye until later.

my dad loves me when i go to the gym

says i need to get skinnier

gets me weight loss vitamins

he doesn't understand

i try to be understanding of his lack of understanding

instead i stop eating and say it is the gym

i see him proud when i lose weight

i only see myself getting fatter

i am in so much pain

my whole world is spinning all the time

i tried to take up nicotine to help

it isn't

i tried to drink all my problems away

and now i fight the urge every day

i'm trying to get better

but ******* it it feels impossible

when no one is in your corner

when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain

but no one understands that

because that is just something most people do without thinking about

so when you say getting up is hard, they call you lazy

so you start to think you are just a lazy ******* who needs to do better

then they ask why you are always in a sweatshirt

why you never do your makeup

why your hair is always a mess

why your eyes are puffy

why you killed yourself

why you didn't talk to anyone

why you didn't get help

why you ended it all



- what if i take all my pills?