maybe it’s not about
what i’m trying to find
and it’s not about where i’m searching
i might just be a square peg
trying to fit myself
into a round hole

i’m not made for this world
the rotting brain in my head
whispers secrets to me daily
about how i’d be better off dead
and i don’t even hang on
because i want to
i do it because i am too afraid
that if i let go
i’ll be remembered for all the things
people think i am
when in reality,
no one should cry when i’m gone

the days keep getting harder
i try to laugh
because it’s the medicine
i have the easiest access to
but the fake smiles i paste to my face
can’t replace everything i’ve lost
and all that i’ve thrown away

my potential fades more and more
each day
and i keep getting wasted
so the feelings all fade
until the sun rises again
and the past is replaced
with more of the same

sometimes i like to say ****
solely to **** people off
and it often backfires
because they’re either too ignorant
to realize what i’m trying to say
or they just think i’m cute
and sweet
only to laugh it off
without thinking twice
“she can’t mean it that way,
she’s too nice”

i feel so alone
i always run hot
but i feel so cold
every time i think
i have found a friend
i still have to force myself
into a shape i don’t recognize
trying to shift my muscles
and my bones
in a way that fit the mold
so i can be stomached
by others
and seen
the way they want
to see me
in their eyes

it’s different with you
and that’s why this is so hard
because you’re so far
and even though we’ve never met
i feel like
i connect
with so much
of what you are
but the reality is
we may always be apart
i want to hold you in my heart

even if
i am always here
and you’re
always there
it takes a lot
to break through
the walls i am constantly
trying to build
and rebuild
and make me admit
how much i care

but i am glad
i’ve let you in
i hate
and love
how much
you make me grin

it’s
not
real

it can’t be
can it?

this

stupid

pathetic

adoration

that
i
feel

it picks away
at my head
trying to
get through
my thick skull
and
attempting
to leave me in
a puddle
of
my own
disgusting goo

but i can only fight
so hard
i don’t know what to do

i feel sick to my stomach
over how
badly i want you

this stupid ****** brain
and repulsive ******* heart
keep trying to **** me
but instead i remain
repeating the same
actions
that have
been leading me
to the same place
where every time i wake up here
i don’t recognize my own face
and it gets harder and harder
not to blow out my brains
when it’s like
my entire existence
is a joke
just a mean-spirited prank
like maybe this could have been funny
but it’s gone too far
and i don’t know why
i ever pretended to laugh
it would be
much funnier
to take my toaster
in the bath

I lay on the warm bed,
Heated by an unforgiving sun,
Indifferent to how I felt or wanted,
Misery is my birthright;

I looked at my wrist, my slightly sunken veins,
Maybe light's wavelength is a facade,
More green than blue, more death than life,
Tainted blood, still blessed with beauty and grace;

My skin burned, was something trying to escape?
Did the wraiths of my past terrify the demons?
Have I gone insane trying to make sense of it all?
Our dying sun does not care, capitalism has won;

The tired lights of the stars and the ever-growing dark,
My arms are weary from the weight of my choices,
Losing a war does not make you a victim always,
The land is unwelcoming, evolution's mutant regret;

i dream of
an awkward
first kiss
that starts
at my forehead
and gravitates
to my lips

i can see
a shared smile
and hear
a childish
chuckle
echoing between us
as we say
“**** the universe”
and we throw away
all the past things
we’d rehearsed
because, let’s face it
the us we’ve been
has been cursed
and the world around us
has been pointing
to
so many signs
trying to lead us
to each other
but somehow
we’ve still never touched
never kissed
never licked
never ******
maybe deep down
we know it’d
be too much
and we’d both
just melt
into puddles
and remain
as mush

but whenever
i tell my heart
to hush
it talks back
all sassy
like a teen girl
to her mother
saying “idgaf”
and like
girl, i get it
i am it
i live it
but
what
the
****?

why do i try
and then run
out of luck?

*******
hockey puck

something
something

i’m a frog
and i am
too afraid
to strut my stuff

Like a window smashed,
waxing accidental cracking of glass;
canyons mapped as light refracts fast,
captured through snapping fragments and gaps.
Hung unintact, procrastinating its shattered collapse,
stress tracks have the last laugh
as paths from impact form webs and traps.
Gilded, a net of gold wraps as fractured attack grasps
before being scattered and blackened to an abstract mass of countless unmatching halves.
Tangled, travelling passions cast into a savagely scratched mask;
mouth closed, asphyxiated, and afraid to gasp.

suffocated
by a strange
and dreamlike
state

unable
to breathe
because
is air even real,
anyway?

the ground
below
is made of
rubber
and i bounce
a bit
with every step

the sky above
is made of water
and when
i reach up,
i get wet

everything feels
thick
and dense
in front of me
like i can
barely even move

the light outside
is barely bright
and my mind
is so easy
to lose

there were
no
dreams
inside
my mind
last night

i floated
on top
of
a blank
black
pillow
of nothingness

there was
no
sound
and
no
light

i got to
experience
that lovely
emptiness
of
death

the sweet
taste
of
no breath

my heart
is already
dead
so
why not
slice
out
all the
thoughts
from
my head?

maybe
we could make
a sandwich
using
the meat
from my brain
and serve
everyone
a lunch
that would
help
make them
feel
insane

we could
give them all
a sample
we could
try to
let them
see

but even
if
they ate
my meats
they
couldn’t be
as
nuts
as me

And I think there are just too many things that break my heart, I fight too hard to stop from falling into pieces that I can't be spoken to, not even quietly.

There are too many people I've seen thoroughly, I can't separate myself from anything and I can't be looked at, not even briefly.

There are too many oceans, too deep to venture, no explorer will have courage enough to dip their toes in this water, and no one can touch me, not even kindly.

There are too many things that scare me now. I never leave from the bed I lay in and I can't be danced with, not even calmly.

There are too many ways to break my heart these days that I can't be moved, not even gently,

Not even at all.

You and I have danced for decades,
Stabbing me on the warpath as I giggled along,
You taught me to hate myself the most,
Way down to the vivisection of my soul;

Am I just shifting blame? Didn't I hold the knife too?
You gave it to me, I made it serrated and poisoned,
Hence why I'm venomous, uneven and stubborn,
Am I chaotic because I am or am I just unhealed?

I held your hand as you plunged it into me slow,
I thought you loved me, why else would you do it?
To be so obsessed and devoted to my destruction?
Isn't destruction just the beginning of creation?

It worries me that you don't leave, you keep the blade in,
Are you worried I'll bleed out or do you enjoy the misery?
Have I learnt to love you choiceless and mistaken?
Like the compass points north, the tall child feels comfort;

'A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort'
Was I after all designed to be harmed or do I have a choice?
I'm not alone anymore though, I have my moon now,
She'll guide me home across the dark and quiet :)