The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

i keep a tight grip around
everything that hurts
i keep asking my therapist
"how do we let go?"
and what does that even mean?
she says
to only allow yourself
maybe 10-20 minutes
to think about all these things
and inhale
I never realized I had that power
to do that
and exhale

Suddenly you transformed
Into a broken mirror.
All of the ugly, fragmented shards
Of my soul
Staring right back at me.

(she) "so... how have you been?"
(i) "the evenings arent kinder
but the moon still flashes her grin."
(she) "you're seeing phantoms of her?"
(i) "i swear they're real-- it ain't just gin!"
(she) "of course not... heck, id write a letter
if that'd save your pills from chasing the bin."
(i) "but i swear i've never been better!"

(she) "so you'd rather live a beautiful lie
and wake up in the clutches of a lovely ghost?"
(i) "you call her that, but when i cry
my tears crawl to caress and coyly coast
her silhouette--"

(she) "i mean no tirade nor needless offence,
but i fear your mind is a marionette
and her hallowed mirage but a reckless goddess
of a puppeteer beneath your blanket..."

(i) "why cant you trust my mouth,
which has kissed hers
and ****** her name aloud
amidst moments of wonder?"
(she) "because my mouth and hers
have not shaken hands
and your mind still suffers--"
(i) "i don't think anyone understands..."

(i) "perhaps she hates the sight of you?"
(she) "perhaps the sight of her only
lies in your bedroom amidst déjà vu."
(i) "it's not right to barter my sanity--"

(she) "take your pills."
(i) "i don't need them!"
(she) "take your pills."
(i) "but i'm fine and well!"
(she) "take your pills."
(i) "but she's ******* real!"
(she) "let's be ******* real."

(she) "you're in denial.
you cant stand losing the person
who fit you all the while
because the outline of her reason--
her figure which has fit you
with edges that lined up
in a way too good to be true,
too good to be made up--
are a haunting projection
from your lonely little mind
of its fading photograph
of a long-lost love."

(i) "..."
(she) "take your pills."
(i) "okay..."
(she) "i'm sorry."


(i) "where'd you go?"

I.
my lips
sewed together
with perfectly stitched thread
through thin needle holes

the wounds
still wounds
not healed
over the years

the daily torture
of wanting to speak
but not being able
to tell


II.
my hands
shaking
excessively clinging
to the thin rubber band

my voice
trembling
as i try to unwrap
one syllable after another

the aching in the throat
as i try to describe
in as little detail
the things i went through

III.
as soon
as the words
left my mouth
almost as silent
as a short breath

i leave
the room
you sitting there
trying to grasp

what i had just coughed up
and disappeard
directly after
realizing i actually did

IV.
i am nowhere
and everywhere
at once
i am there again

you try to unwrap
the tangled words
the things unsaid
the thoughts not spoken

i slip out of reality
and suddenly
i hear you say
loud and clearly

"It was not your fault. It never was and it never will be."

Sometimes
here...
       I step in
          then
               disappear...
desire,
          the upper floor
depress the wrong button
               closing the door
instead,

                I am going

                         down

It feels like you died.
Gone, out of my life.
In that instant you were taken away...
I try to find you
I really try to
I can not let go of you 'til this day...
One day if I see you,
I hope you will remember me, too
I will greet you
With tears bleeding down my face...
I hope I do see you
I really need you
Losing you only added to the pain.
I hate to say this
Do not know how you will take this
But at times I felt like you were to blame...
Only 'cause I was angry
At the reality of never seeing you again...
But I was never upset with you anyway...
It just hurts deeply
Your absence completely
Destroyed any progress we made...
The depth of my grieving
Thoughts of you leaving
There are times I can not function for days...
I sit on my bed, crying.
Devastated and desperately whispering your name...
Wishing you back has not worked yet...
But I am hoping that it will, some day....

When I would walk into your office
I would leave, almost thoughtless...
How I miss you... so very much.
I can not believe
How much it hurts me
I am still crying after seven months...
You; all I needed in my life
A mother figure, friend, healer all wrapped in one.
I was safe, open, comfortable...
I could be myself and that was more than enough.
I would cry, curse, make dark jokes
And it was never in your nature to judge...
We would come full circle by the end of each session
We had revelations about my life, the person I want to become...
You knew that I had a side of me that would make most people run...
You helped me heal when it killed me to deal
With all my pain and even things that I have done...
I fell to pieces on your couch
I told you secrets about
The things that broke me
Then you would patch me up.
You recognized me
Beneath my darkness
Nothing hurts more than losing someone does.