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i am so small
compared to the mountains
i am so little
compared to the sea
i am so tiny
in comparison to the islands
and i am so large
compared to what i thought i would be
I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided
What will I do when I hit the last straw? What becomes of me and my useless brain? This was too much today. I wish I didn’t want you. I’ve made an obsession out of you.
The other day was a lonely sigh
My tongue, caught, between your teeth
lips were chapped and mouths were dry
The first time that I was underneath

Of course it all meant nothing
It was not something that mattered
Never mind that I can’t help blushing
When you asked me I was only flattered

But days weeks and months more
My body yearns for your hands to explore
Just a look, we both know what’s in store
On the couch, on the bed, on the floor

Your touch is an addictive ******
Whisper again how my skin is like butter
Your sigh is passionately delicate
The lovely truth I keep below a mutter

But we are friends and will remain
Though we occasionally miss each other
I will always wait with such disdain
But commitment is not recovered
hello! it's been so long
it's been so long since you
talked to me like this
like this we were whispering
in each other's ears like
not even the august leaves
could have part in our affair
not even the august leaves
could know what we were
it's such a shame isn't it?
isn't it? that those leaves,
drifting down so sadly,
became september leaves
september leaves that knew
only the tears that we shed
the tears that we shed
and now the april leaves will
never know who we were
never know who you were
never know who i was
just who you and i are now
it's been so long since you
talked to me like this i almost
remembered how much i missed you
how long does a season last before it should end? how long does a song last until it sounds the same? how long does a crush last before it becomes madness? how long can one hold on until they convince themselves they shouldn't?
Each year, we arrive at the same knot of woods, having drawn the same straw.
We grasp, trembling, at what we imagine to be certain death:
A leaf, edges curved up, orange crudely splashed across green.

But would you spare a second thought for the falling leaf that subsumes your life?
Think. Why would the world continuously dash herself
Into pieces, render herself to ash, if she were not made of
Such stuff as phoenixes? Nature goes up into flames each year
With little to no ado, and heals herself without fuss.

Leaves throw themselves from great heights not in pursuit of ruination but of
Revival. Year after year after year we are asked this much:
Allow me to unfurl the fist with which you are clinging to this tree.
Comfort lies in confiding, confessing, and conceding. There is no need to be
Stronger than the Earth’s heart when she is offering it up
To you so singularly. Grant yourself this: that she wants you to
      Smile and shine and grow.

Do you fear your fate in this moment? You misinterpret.
The blameful breeze you imagine you feel is, in actuality,
Earth’s unremitting whisper, pressed into your skin:
“Do as the leaves do. Follow, and fall. You are forgiven.”
Miles out, just you and I
Neck deep in the seas hands
You bet I couldn't outswim the sunrise
So, I cheated and dove down deep
Watched as the rays flew overhead
I found a moment to be brave
Cause' the deeper I went
The more I learned about the loss we feel
It's funny I got caught in the depths upon your calling
It's almost as if the demons got their call in
For the first time the ocean froze over
Caught beneath the ice, December knows me well
She whispered just loud enough to know
In the winter, she'll be there burning slow
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