try me
fly me
ride me
guide me
please exist inside me

who are You
where are You
when are You
what did i do
to unreal You

i can remember the exact smell of the moon on the moment we met when all the midnight's might was unable to claim the clouds becuz they were ringing Luna in a silent cresendo of impossibly minutely perceptible dance moves and She was illuminating them, infusing them, imbuing them with Her essence and i swear to this day it was You orchestrating it, the conductor of my waking dream looking completely deeply within me and screaming a whisper which claimed my heartbeat as Our own, doing so by placing Yours inside my chest to mingle tingle melt meld as my mind knew exactly what was going on despite its stunned disbelief and it was singing its own silent crescendo of JOY

who are You
where are You
when are You
what did i do
to unreal You

maybe it actually was a dream
perhaps zero times upon a time
was i fully complete
suppose it's possible noe times upon a time
was i truly happy

what do You hear at 12:34am
when the only sounds are Your thoughts
what do You see inside your eyelids at 3:45am
when You're only looking at Yourself
what do You sense at almost-dawn-AM
when even the wind waits to hear the sun appear

maybe it's me
perhaps You remember me
perchance You feel me
remembering You

maybe we weren't meant to adventure together forever
perhaps i was supposed to be wrong again
be broken again
perchance this was meant for clint
pennance paid at the toll booth
taxes overdue at the soul booth

when sadness
becomes sadderness
trying climbing up the drain
i seem semi sane
tho stupefied from the pain

what's that moon?
you're producing another swoon?
performing perfuming another miracle in June?
mayhap i'll be deaf to your tune

but yet I sense something a moment out of reach as if a wave is almost washing my beach, a hint of the scent of a caress a request an urging an inspiration a personality a mind searching for mine to teach and learn and share and stare to explore and relax and laugh easily even when we were struggling against the tide

maybe i was just remembering something
which never happened
or perhaps just hasn't happened yet

try me
fly me
ride me
guide me
please exist inside me

when She's kissing passion into me
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when Her body's pressed so tight along mine
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's riding into ecstasy with me
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's bending over for whatever reason
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when we're hiking/running
  and She's just in front of me
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when we're standing in line for whatever...
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's wading in the waves
  in THAT bathing suit
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's lining up a putt in mini golf
  that perfect **** in a mini skirt
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's stepping out of the shower
  wrapping Her hair in the swirl of a towel
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when you're spooning naked after the swetest hottest ever lovemakig
  or waking up
  or the middle of night
  or whatever hour she nuzzles your neck
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when you've been married for fifty years
  and you still Love ALL of Her
    and She still digs your ****
      She'll grab squeeze those biscuits

i have no idea what this rain is
  red?
  grey?
  acid?

  soul blood?
  mind meh?
  heart burn?

Summer rain
  warm wet pain
Winter sleet
  the **** complete?
Fall fall
  leaves die and all
Spring sprung
   weeds from dung

today's word is ****
not *** making love sweet luck
just ****

armageddon
apocalypse
  every feeble fruitess flirt you've ever done
     dying dead decaying on your lips

almost excellent
it's really just ex-clint

all the peaches are rotted
  disease spotted

why are you still talking
  or are you attempting singing
cancerous words spat from a tumor-riddled throat
  choked out past that merely muddy moat

did you dream of this in your delightfully dreary dredging days
  soaked drenched in the worthless wonder of your whatever always

fruitless fruits are your words
wasted whims untasted on limbs
in a barren bone orchard

suspected
or unexpected
doesn't ******* matter
one way or the other
doesn't unshatter
doesn't cease this rain smother


**** it
sometimes you just have to throw pebbles into the sea

joy  pain
ecstasy  agony
confusing enlightening
selfish selfless

squishy
messy
gorgeous four and a half steps beyond belief
more than maybe the bestest source of relief

the scent sent all but unbearably sweet
that tears holes **** yet makes you compete

the smell of eucalyptus on the breeze
when noewhere in sight are there any trees

a full moon in the midsummer sky
on a hillside holding hands on an endless night
or a playful full moon in the bedroom
ere you put out the light

alone and lonely
crying beside the sea
noe sound and noe rest
as a tree falls in the forest

blood
bruises
brokenness
a heart beheaded
a blooming flower deaded

a star blazing for billions of years
a silent siren song everyone hears

the best way to be crazy
where it's at, Baby

the exhilarating taste of mint
the thrillating of the perfect denouement

essential

Donna's Gone, I'm So Sorry Kelly, My Brother    6-26-20


Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
  except the son who still shines on
and her spirit is still here
  you'll feel it more each dawning year

ain't no sunshine when she's gone
  i noe, i noe,
but alongside the pain,
  walking hand in hand forevermore,
    all her blessings shall remain

sometimes Angels only stay so long
  and tho their passing shrieks of the universe gone wrong
    You shall always hear/feel their song,
      and realize they believed that You are strong

ain't no sunshine when she's gone
  yet somehow you shall go on
and then someday you'll lift your gaze up on high
  to see sunlight shine on her wings in a suddenly glorious sky

just so you Noe

all i can see is her face
or the feeeling as i first saw it
i hope my heart stopping is merely a pause
please let her smile at me santa claus

people don't glow
they just don't ya noe
**** She has a body-deep halo
and each and every itty bitty bit of me was spurred inspired to grow
physical emotional psychological
LOVE doesn't allow you choices
IT grabs you ears heart mind body with ALL voices

i was siting there on the lawn, most of my mind long gone, wrapped inside itself and the beatings this brain had been subjected to, from without and withn, when the blood pounding, seeping, easing it's all too casual way out of the peripherals of my eyes, had given up on berating itself and foucsed upon convincing the heart about this whole continue beating thing

i was sitting there upon the lawn, but she was already long gone, less than worthless, screaming inside myself, lick my own eye blood from my fingertips, feel the nevermore caress of her lips, the i can't understand this flip-side land, let me out NOW before i go beyond sideways somehow

how is this possible
i'm already intimate with almost all the probable
and exchanged so much exquisite with the improbable
please let this be possible

i didn't even Noe yet who Dali was
but his melting ice cream is now my world
milady, i must not name you just becuz
my heart may burst from where it is hurled

maybe it's just another day
but mr elfman didn't come to play
and it turns out i'm free
she wasn't singing for me

except all i can see is her face
or the feeeling as i first saw it
i hope my heart stopping is merely a pause
please let her smile at me santa claus

Been a while 4-15-20


i've already written these things
and they still don't matter
i've alerady ripped off these wings
and fallen into a shatter

the dreary drops of do or do not do
are merely evaporated dew
and wherever is my there
i'm finding it hard to care

I require a kiss
a long sensual merging
deep in my soul I need this
lest empityness keeps emerging

music batters me with memories
emotions brittle me with memories
she's still right here
they're all still right here

clouds cruise across the moon
loud in their silence
used to make me swoon
now it's just violence
ice pick to the eye violence

tired
burnt
my cat matters
love her purrs
everything else is just whatever

another drink
some same old think
it's just whatever
one more step towards forever

I was wishing upon a star
for a star upon thars
but I forgot what I meant
and thus goes clint

2b or not 2b
what f'ing apartment am i in anyway




she sits with the blade at her wrist
to slice or not to slice
that is the question
            the decision

lives hang in the balance
hers first and foremost
others on the periphery
but only just barely

they die if she dies
just slower
they bleed out thru empty eyes
just takes longer

the razors edge is ambivalent
it cares not what it cuts
i've never known if the blood feels the same
does it wish to remain from whence it came

dead eyes are just that
   dead
extinguished light
  never to be relit
the color is still there
  but dimmed
        dulled
    empty
     eons of empty
      eternities of empty
   do not look overly long into the depths of that well
      Lassie shall not arrive to rescue you
        you and Timmy are just ******
           buh bye *******

the noose is the razor's soul sister
  the missus to an evil mister
we need both blood and breath
  evicting either is equal parts death

the wind is always cold
  when a life's final tale is told
like there's a hole in the river
  when there can't even be a hole in a river
but somewhere in the almost back of your mind
  you remember sensing that sliver
and trying for a moment to focus on it
  but it was gone in an instant

she's not coming back
nobody returns from that hole in the river
not once
not ever

you want to go there yourself
  scream your soul into the face of that hell
explain exactly how it should go **** itself
  in ways they don't even allow in hell

there are memories running rampant in my mind today
  borne of both blood and beauty
all those things which made me me
every single ******* one

very much not okay

eidetic sux when it rears it's ******* head
that's why i tried to make it dead

beyond any ability of mine to control
some of them are hateful hurtful
some are almost okay
  
****

Georgia Palmers


ducks in the backyard
quacks in my head so hard
transcendentalness only carries you so far
Then there are Georgia Palmers at the bar

how much wine when whim is mine
will convince me Clint still feels fine
cuz all of her jugs haven't helped so far
Glad there are Georgia Palmers at the bar

the Jester's tears still fall
they ******* flow bro
i Noe i should be better y'all
**** sometimes ALL the evils i still Noe

I wuz born this way
I tried to **** it all away
**** the words rarely leave me alone
and every word has an emotion/memory all its own

there are trees with leaves rustling above streams
my Brother Bob and I running beneath them and beyond
I wish I had never become engulfed in the screams
cuz once I heard them they've never been gone

Carla Kristy Frannie
all dead before me
is the only reason I remain
becuz I deserve this pain

I miss you
and wish it was me not you
i'm tired sometimes
I hear you in my mind sometimes

there was a tree with a rainbow above it
guitar drum crescendo everyone love it
cancer killed the tree
withered the rainbow
suicide stole the crescendo
sometimes **** it is all I Noe

oh well
  You fell
   i fell
oh well

Alone
lonely
nothing happening which matters
nothing left from which to shatter

the jester's tear ducts are apparently dry
noe more blood with which to cry
supposed to be dead once more
as has happened all those times before

I can still feel her
  hear her
  sense her
just there
the gentle scents in her hair
  this world is very not fair

she's barely beyond my fingertips
so close
whispering to my lips

oh wait that was years ago
or maybe months from now or so
I Noe nothing anymore
except that mt soul is sore

wait, did she ask my name
I was just late, I still cared if she came
that was actually the only important part
for this night or the current version of my heart

nevermind
it's noe longer mine to find
I guess I gave up that right
I seem to have forfeited the fight

I remember some stars and a sliver of a silver moon
we were walking on some silken sand in our 2nd favorite month of June
her eyes
her eys
never seen anything like those eyes
have you ever lost and found yourself in those eyes

tired
mired in tired
and as I exhale yet another breath
I hear the familiar laughter of Death

old acquaintance, this Death fellow
far from our first hello
his reality has long been with me
usually decades too early

they leave...I stay
they ******* die...I've yet to go away
seriously, they always ******* die
i'm Midas except not gold, die

they cease to exist
I somehow persist
they were pure souls
I'm merely a pure spirit

my Father's father was an *******
deserved his place in a 6 foot hole
My Father was a Better Man than I
although I Really Do Try
and some say I'm better than I think
live my memory dreams and tell me what you think

I'm kind
there is sweetness in this mind
kitties doggies and bunnies love me


**** it tomorrow will surely be another day
and I have a cool pool

the Power of the Peach      7-4-20


does she know the power she possesses
  the worship in her lover's ***** as she undresses
the NEED to see
               to touch
      to kiss

the Peach is life
  it is succor after all the strife
it is the sweetest embrace
  as you're seeing the yes, please
    on her face

kiss right
lick left
all night in that cleft
  before my **** pounds that mound

naked velvet flesh
  to my face is pressed
****** me my goddess
  as my tongue touches your tenderness
    eat you out for an hour
      in love with your Peach's Power

succulent juicy beautiful
  your Peach calls to me
sweet wet delicious
  your Peach owns me

succulent
  **** you clint
tight wet hot
  sticky sweet
luscious ripe ****
  do you want my meat

give me the Power of your Peach
  let me learn all it shall it teach
take me
  pleasure and passion
    any position
    every position
take me
  ride me
    grind me
      let me watch You move
        as I feel You move

to be inside you....
  that first full slide inside
      oooooooohhhhhhhh

then slipping sliding slamming
  sometimes slow and sensual
  sometimes hard fast animal *******
    and everything inbetween

pleasure passion
  with that lust love connection
if it's done right
  if it's not just one night

squeezing
  pleasing
screams and moans
  and ***** words
    which should be heard

it's nature
it's pure
it's shudder
it's shake
it's ***
  you gotta get some

and sometimes
  if your Peach likes rhymes
it's not just the physical
  cuz anyone can ****
there's an emotional intellectual
  where's it's not simply a cool pool
    it's a beautiful pond with a duck

it's not some rude grafiti
  screaming pathetically look at me
it's explicit AND exquisite
  singing you want true Beauty
    This is it

then you wake up in the morning
  and learn if it is joy or mourning
waking up naked
  beside her nakedness
please let it be be joy
  PLEASE,  let it be JOY

that there is a dream
  and several fantasies
that is giving life to a very particular personal dream
  and dancing in the moonlight with those fantasies

I don't Noe what all I can teach
  but Please give me the Power of the Peach

Woah, found this recently in my head...not bad actually...especially since I miss writing, like, a lot
I walked down whatever path was in front of me
so did she but we weren't WE
there were thorns on the ground
and all around
*** she screamed and I echoed
cuz it seemed serious *******
blood bleeds thru thorn holes
don't Noe if you knew that
but some thorns are metaphoric
and you can bleed from your soul
the walls seem ready to give up the ghost
and leave me dealing with the exiled host
synapses long silent set to refire
so this Clint seems set to expire
every memory from forever always there
three, nay four scenes playing together
i'd see them hear them smell them feel them
poignant powerful ocean within which i swim
i killed this **** decades ago to save me
it's why i put all those evil drugs in me
**** irony is a shakespearian witch
and she be a straight up full on *****
been fine bein' quasi intelligent
mostly anyways
found other aspects of Clint
which joyed my days
scared
terrified
reincarnation is upon me
the threats amplifying daily
don't wanna be that me
please
please
there is quite a pretty path weaving wandering through a forest, some groves, some open areas, some deep dark canopies, an occasional extended open space with a view you've only seen in dreams. Do you smell the fir needles and the fresh dirt? It's the type of experience which connects you to your planet. It's glorious and beauty of a type which no "e" connection will place into your soul forevermore.
along that path strolls a young man, perhaps a boy, he is laughing with his sister and the girl who would in a few years own his heart and his soul. Look leftwards, do you see the flutterby? Just starboard a wren whistles a mockingbird song and smiles and winks when you give it a confused face.
have you ever been on that path? I hope so becuz it teaches you a beauty beyond what most of us shall ever experience.
oh, anyway, he lived, sister died, love died, world continued completely indifferent...blah blah blah...path exists still...find it, enjoy it...
I walked down a path I thought I chose
naively believing I'm the ****** who chose
there were thorns on the ground
all around
but roses left and right
and Love actually gave me her light
for a little while
then of course back to exile
I walked down a path one day or the other
running laughing with Sean my Brother
he turned to look at me
yet said not a word
becuz we'd already heard
everything you could see
and spun kaleidoscope holes
along every fwy floor or wall
Oh ****
I forgot
he said...
and I quote...
…..Hello Nurse

YUCK 5-24-19


Doth it cometh again?
  sure, why not
   whatever
     guess i forget what i got

cancer never forgets
  and it can't wait to remember
suicide is anti-pride
  and its devour is also forever

those two evils
  are most of the kills
eliminatingmost of the lifes
  missing from my life

Sister not here to Noe i miss Her
  tell me how to tell tat girl i loved her
4 yrs older twin inside the same brain-skin
  never read my poet words she'd always heard
    tell me how to tell my myself better

my 1st LOVE was no different than yours
  except her inside & outside were more exquisite
wouldn't work out cuz i was too unpure
  always thought one day we'd laugh about it
    but did I mention how much I hate cancer

Carla was simply put a pure soul
  the kindest person I've ever met
she went one adventure too far
  and became a novae star
broke her beautiful whole
  and kissed the *** of Kismet

did any of you have that sister?
  the one who taught you everything and protected you and carried you and challenged you and
explained the exploration of the world and was the only other genius who understood the terrifying
bits at the back of the mind which were sometimes in the front and is the light EVERYone orbits and
then self-destructs and is an obit?

i am told i'm vibrant...i have a glow...i don't noe...tho it is true that very few who meet me forget me
  be that good ot bad
     but i'm a pale facsimile of my former self
        let alone her

Kristy Marie Dubbs
  Kirby
was the teacher we both wanted to be
  but much much better and more brilliant than me
I was actually kind of a natural
  but she had a whole nother level
our hero who made us love discussing
                                             discovering
                                                       every "becuz"
is the hero that to her students she was
   i miss her
       Foogie
           I Miss You

did any of you ever have that teacher?
  The one from whom it wasn't merely information but inspiration...this magical being who merged
    learning & joy, who opened the door to the world of knowledge and encouraged you to explore
    within...the wardrobe door is open boy, the adventure is yours...  For us it was Mr. Kurt Kasner, our
    5th grade teacher and ever after somewhat our muse, who taught me I should hone my natural
    instinct to think critically, analyze EVERYthing and state my case...hmmm, prob some folks who
    would wanna slap him....lol....

did any of you also have a they're both dead?
I hope not
cuz it sux

i'm an *******
i've held hate in my heart
unleashed it to take someone apart

i'm a sweet sensitive soul
take your pain as my own
sob yet stay strong as i groan

          i miss you Kirby
          i'm not okay
          it should have been me
          please un-die
          
i miss you Carla
i'm not okay
you killed me when you killed you
please un-die

they're dead decades before their time...
   the rhyme to that reason????

I don't know your dead people,
never tiptoed through their tombstones
nor danced within where they dwell,...
be that heaven or hell
But my dead people are all too active,
wearing shells
ringing bells
singing broken fairy tales
within my mind once more
or maybe twice
or at least thrice for sure
And As Always,
I'm Amazed i'm not one of them
Coincidence within Clint plays,
and Fate cares only for its own whims
Their voices haven't changed,
though I've been many times rearranged
There are still lessons to learn
so I still lean in,
eager to listen...
Innocence screams forevermore once you've ***** it
unless you forgive your ignorance arrogance
and embrace the growth the losses let you posit
**** pieces of yourself
then decide to Hate your new Self
and you'll **** yourself
You can be perfect
or as approximate as possible
and cancer kills you at 35
But if the passion for the path was pretty much perfect
and the intensity of the effort was always palpable
(and appeared as effortless as it was selfless)
then all those you inspired are that much more alive
Yeah, that's the poem for now...couple Main characters weren't heard from, except to say "you have to be up in 5 hrs for a ride and then chores and then work....so go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep. Check out the nametag grandma, you're in my world now"...wait, how did I slip into Happy Gilmore...

GLOBAL WARMING?
IDK
BUT 2018 IS A KAT SUMMER


Unce tice, fee tines a mady
****, sorry,
eddie murphy buh-weet flashback....

Once or twice upon a time
  or perhaps
     just maybe
        almost what must be forever

there was a woman
she was WOW
she was WOAH, MAN
  she was MEOW

Sometimes She Believed It
  She'd Strut when it Fit
But could be there's Artist's Block
  and the Goddess don't Rock

Pain HURTS
  Betrayal be the WORST
Try to Fly unto Forever
  with a son-****-father

the ******* height
  ain't gonna be every single night
lead guitar **** star
  don't always play on Wednesday

but the current underneath
  the love lust deep deep within
is supposed to be decades in its belief
  i've seen old people kiss remembering sin

Eyes Afire for each other
  Their Love Still Alive
holding hands hotter
  than any hard fast drive

If you're not in,
  then into the kiln
plate your ***
  this ****** too shall pass

I remember when she was Queen of Beads
  a bracelet had me hummin
    an anklet I wanna be drummin
      a necklace almost satisfied my need...

I had recently learned to be Grateful
  but basically just to expand my Party
    and where I hoped it might take me

KMM was the reason I let the Dead into ME
  a Dead song heard thru her eyes
    was being caught Without A Net
      seeing thru the Eyes Of The World

You see Your Rose
  I saw Mine
You say you Noes
  I say She Fine

did I mention forever ACTUALLY MEANS forever
  and you have every right and reason to be bitter
if you say you gonna stay whatever the weather
  be a man
    if you possibly can
if not
  at least let her know
    uh yeah thanx buh-bye whatever

people think they know what up
  their truth be THE truth
pain be personal is what up
  that truth is THE truth

you'll Noe when you're fully healthy again
  when mind heart soul friends
say uh yeah it wasn't me
  so ******* **** I'm free

there was a Kathryn I met
  only Kathryn I've known as yet
20-ish years later we re-met
  and this won't rhyme with “et”
but I have now Loved FB 3 Times,
  Aly, Eric, Kat, and, um, rhymes

Kathryn Marie Maletich....not the 1st WOAHman I Loved, but the most WOAH I'd met as yet....She arrived at my house with my Sean telling me dude you'll dig her...pool table, beer, prob some misc, a late night in my suddenly electric backyard under the stars sitting talking about whatever and everything and what she could do with the insides of the washing machine which were currently occupying the back side wall of my parents' house, a Bday party with band at her house she invited me to and took flash pic in my face as she laughed and invited me to her garage room to hang out (nitrous, thy name is “Clint, you're in Kat's room, solo, laughing sharing phasing in and out of consciousness with bliss and I think I helped her Happy and I want to stay here!)  2 days later Sean asked me for you if I Liked you...oooohhhhhh Lady....me was broken boy, shy, no experience, ******, young but already shattered so many times, how could I possibly satisfy someone as Amazing as you. I said yeah as a friend cuz I had no idea how to just tell you WOW, your lips rule my dreams, can I share those dreams with you....Nope, said yeah as a friend and I was forever locked in that zone. Being Kat's Friend is not necessarily a bad thing. You and I shared so much, and I always felt like I knew more about you than the men you ******. We were REALLY close, and I was conflicted, cuz there was this dichotomy where you were both the replacement for the soul sister who hung herself out of my life just when I needed her more than ever and the 1st Love who chose the other she wanted less but was safer and her family approved of because he wasn't me. Kat, those yrs you knew me were really hard for me. I was NEVER not in pain, my ******* genius boy mind only not flinging images memories entire scenes actual physical sensations at me when I got wasted enough that I could scream them down. School was great when you can remember every bit of info automatically, but when my mind became my sister Carla's needles and Kristy's “your eyes are alive, your kiss is better, I want you more, but we can't go together where you're headed” I kinda went away..still above 4.22 grade-wise, little genius boy blah blah blah, but I was lost. I became a poet to survive it, but then you arrived. I was just kinda accepting 1st love was dead cuz I was a worthless druggie following my dead Sis as Kristy was excelling towards the Teacher we both wanted to be. I did all those drugs with Sean (however many hundreds of hits...a dozen in one night alone, ****.... of LSD I don't even Noe) and quarters of speed in one snort and then moving to smoking ounce after ounce of it. By the time we bid each other adieu I was finally ready to find out if I was going to just die or live on as at least semblance of the beautiful boy I once was. Cleaned myself up, returned to college, eventually got my degree from my San Jose State...you had lunch with a bona fide Bachelor of Science in Marine Biology with a Minor in Chemistry lol. Married twice...divorced, widowed. Worked corporate sales and then drug abuse treatment research (that actually felt really good) and some other blah yada then landed at Vons where I've been higher up than now but actually almost like where I'm at, lol, and the pay and benefits are good enough I can't leave, also lol.......of course I thought about you many times and other times and more (heck, you're part of one of my tats...not in a way you'd like, sorry), but I always figured you were gonna keep being great and Loving Life. Heard you and D made it official and thought it would work pretty fine. Blows my mind someone held you and let go. People are whack. L.M.M.H. (lolololol), I am REALLY glad you found my facebook with paul...Noe idea how much of each others' lives we'll be a part of, how often I'll actually hear you say Hello My Little Friend (don't get me started on that one heeheehee), but stoked is the word for Kat in my life....truly never thought I would look in your eyes again..it was wonderful to do so, Thanks be to You Milady....


some part of me will always be in that garage
  only place those days I almost believed I wasn't garbage
I just tried to survive the moments until the when
  Kat would arrive and re-invite me in again

not that boy anymore
  but you're still Kat for sure
I hope You Noe That
  You Are Still Where It's At

gonna preach
  gonna teach
    bout the things I see
      bout the things I Noe to BE

acoustic strings vibrating in tune with the moon
  kiss your **** like a lyricist linguist lover in june
however whenever you discover the start
  the drum beat can still hit your heart

please take me to your local dive bar
  I'll laugh with you my Diva Star
play darts with me
  and I'll IPA thee
bullseye wins the puddin pie

your art is still your life
  and your inner eye hath grown
so the universe is all right
  and I'm lucky to have known

about out of words for now
  HEY, I can hear that laughter from here
it does happen
  every now and again
     (for a millisecond or three)
so I'll bid thee adieu for now
  
it was the best of times
it was the blurst of times
******, stupid monkeys...I'm out

8:56 PM

Seein' faces which no longer exist,
an eerie army of them,
how have I known such death
and yet still draw breath
mayhap a few were my fault,
forever haunted shall I be
especially as none of them deserved it
and i'm still livin laughin dancing free
it's kinda hurtin in here
tho it's basically just whinin
btw, where's my ******* beer
or at least a bottle or three of whine
my mind only sits still if forced to
and that requires more than you
will ever Noe how to do
it's dancin dangerous circle cycles at the moment
not the bestest ever tour for this version of clint
visions videos vicious internal angst bleeding my psyche
introversion reversion is ******'ing me
this soup bowl hath been poisoned
and i ain't prepared for such pain
at last i'll have always have my marbles of blue
and my die which with Bob will always crush you :)
which kiss do you most miss
cuz I heave several on that list
some of whom I've never even tasted
but "maybe someday" is imagination unwasted
reset myself so many times
when is it too many times?
precious little keeping me here
and I'm not much in touch with fear
the **** it ******* Clint
is ******* his inner Clinton
*** on
let's blow this scene
...money shot...
….and...out...


10:31 PM

which noose can you not cut loose
what's the soul scar you can't uncarve
or are you like me...
no fav among the many
I don't like space shuttles
but I do love muggles
well, a few of them
a few more on a whim
are your dreams too often screams
do you shout racial epithets at yourself
are you an ex genius boy
or a gorgeous-brain girl
who's tired of this toy we call our world
I hate saying I hate
but I hate all kinda ****
I used to Love to Love
but i just don't be feelin it
my blue rose hath decayed
its romantic spirit been betrayed
somewhere sometime my luck
said it doesn't even wanna ****
so fornicate yourself world
this boy beyond bent at bein whirled
I AM the best ME this boy ever been
but I'm just still just a Clint to my Clinton
c'mon man, I get it
hahahaha
but can't you quit
you win, i'm blah
this joke is older than I am
yet you insist on the retell
what else do you want from me
do you think I haven't visited my home in hell
when I am Positive Patient Polite people are joyful in their interactions with me...the potential to be a genuinely impactful presence in a meaningful moment of their life which they will remember and subsequently relive with me, pulling me into their experience as one of the cruxes, is the reason I actually have smile wrinkles from work even tho much of it is soul draining torture...not triple P at the moment....
how many dead people do you Noe???
many of you more than I certainly.
did it begin early?
does it continue late?
I don't want to be Dead
but it is seriously a freakish occurrence that I'm not
the statistics don't support it
better purer truer souls have seen their bodies left to rot
I knew my brain was insane at 5 yrs old
when the people studying me
told me my Intelligence Quotient was BOOM
and I said I Noe
but I can't respect your opinion
cuz this is a junior college room
so *******, yo
(plus my sister siblings were all so off the chart genius that I had to read at least a book a day from Kindergarden until HS, when I read a book a day cuz I wanted to F U, just to keep up with my understanding of the world beyond our block...if you have never read The Phantom Tollbooth, you really should, and you should do so with your kids...and if they're not old enough for Harry Potter or Tolkien, then read to/with them the Ursula K. Le Guin Earthsea Trilogy)
ouch
there's not a band aid for me
ahhh ****
I thought I was beyond thee
what was once my smile
is now a grisly grin
a snarky sneer
anything to contain the pain.
I'm sorry if you're sad
it might not be that bad
I can be the bestest silliness you've ever sampled
just hold my bald head as your button gets tongue trampled
and, ummm, yeah.....


11:30 PM

can you shake it??
the voice which quakes you?
who was your 1st?
not your 1st ****
not even your 1st kiss
simply the 1st set of eyes
blue, brown, green, heterochromatic (ooooohh Aly)
or the 1st smile, lips
the 1st voice, laugh
the 1st statement from a mind
a spirit in kind
which drew you into within
made that one the again and again and again
Did you ever Breakfast at her Tiffany's??
and if not is it still a favorite fantasy??
shhhhhh,
do you feel that???
that's a kiln absolutely killn it,
the dolls all Princess Wavin at their Kat
I can't get away with such silly sentimentality,
she'd most likely just make me smack me
you can't ME OW the Kat
unless you put it in a Tat :)
Does it still matter?
Is it still the solo
on your soul guitar?
Or is it merely whatever
couldn't give less of a ****
but wish them the best of luck
Maybe she was the entire worth of your world
I've been there once or thrice or more
In which case you can still hear her whisper
and your heart hates you for not winning her
Now without her, again, whoever whatever
drifting falling, alone again, whatever wherever
and....midnight don't mess around
time to get some sleep...hopefully super sound

Been a while...so, ***, why not...
I am an Elastic Firecracker
not certain exactly what that means
or what it says about me
but I saw it on Spotify...
and it seemed like something I've been
Don't necessarily remember the exact when
or quite recall if I was worth it
but I'm fairly certain it was one of those moments
when I was utterly ******* brilliant
Maybe it was a talented tongue type Tuesday,
just another tingle tune in mid-June around midday
bouncy house with our shoes on
up down in out up to and beyond our very best
*** play on & on & on
Then a chug of wine
a sip of water
and a bit of a rest
Until another tender torrid entwine
boy to Man
and sometimes back again
i have been exiled gone
long ago forgotten
and learned that cancer claimed my 1st Love
an Angel who believed in that ******* above
i done been forgotten by the dead
sometimes sisters can't handle their own head.
I have felt the Agony in her eyes
both Noeing she would someday soon die
the only questions when
and by her hand or her ******
i've worshipped women who didn't want me
except for the laugh and the fake high
and the intense incense glow of my blue eyes
I have stared into her eyes
as deep as I could be
as we expressed our Love
with whoever below and the other above
I married a woman I Loved
no longer married
still Love :)
I've been given a family
and a re-love of Disney
by the woman who taught me more about me
than anything this world ever threw at me
I have arrived too late
to see the light go out
comas come and go
but end with her dead
Or didn't you know
i've lost and found myself in the embrace
of a hot body and a Beautiful face
and a spirit mind which blew me away
in a never before known way
who showed me the new me
then shattered me beyond belief
so when does one trip out
about trippin out?
cuz if intelligence experience emotions wisdom
is just ******* within a ******
and worthless is worth even less
then **** this being born
and let's be all about abortion
(**** the clint before it asserts itself
******* better off without itself)
so the old man
rebuilds himself yet again
sans the Dad who was his rock
and a Mom who's cuckoo clock
but with friends thru every whatever
a wonderful woman I love forever
and a family stronger closer than ever
apparently my spirit still shines bright
and my mind is not yet often a *****
I rarely feel that way inside the light
but I guess the evidence is strong
there's the best
and then all the rest
And I think I've been both
wonder what's next....
well, that flew out, 1st time in a while. not too bad. didn't review or edit so hope not on Sunday morning casual 5k suddenly going goddamit I forgot to mention i thought i could touch the stars and it's all Stephen Hawking's fault and if the apple guy hadn't already been karma killed I meant to say *******....

La Vida En La Villa Strangiato


Wondering what remains inside this aged shell...
  are there any poems still wanting me to tell?
will the words still write themselves
  when I whisper sweetly inside myself?

Even as broken as i remain
  shuddering within this shattered domain
are there star stories still in these skies
  cuz I still see them in my inner eyes

Music is terrifying
  touches far too deeply and truly
My muse no longer clarifying
  i'm left bereft and too unruly

death hath touched me too many times recently
  continuing to steal amazing beings from me
and his evil cousin cupid
  keeps ****** me almost as hard

that verse was all about meaning
  with zero respect for rhyme
the thing is,
oh aseptic poem ****...
*******

blech blah meh in my maw
  hate the taste of pain this raw
days weeks months years ago
  none of it has the decency to just go

i'm tired
  inside
never been this tired
  even when hope first died

believe it or not
  i still laugh a lot
but it's a momentary meeting,
  ephemerally fleeting

why is limbo a frozen inferno
  how why does it burn so badly
and why does it ******
  at my emotional chasm

almost everything that's me is amiss
  mostly unable to miss this abyss
the one void i can't avoid
  the tattoo inside i can't hide

suppose i should be glad to still feel
  but i sure would like to finally ******* heal  
is what I want from and for me merely in purgatory
  or is my end game destiny an eternal empty

cuz, you noe, like i always used to say sometimes,

My mentor
my motivation
my moonlight at high noon
my starlight swoon
my sunlit beach in june
  even if it's a dreary january

the reason my heartbeat wants to breathe
  from the moment it actually got to meet you in the physical world  
  and realized the miracle truth of what it already believed...that all of
  the texts and emails and messages were only false in that they  
  ludicrously understated the absolute of Yur light Yur personality Yur
  energy Yur Blue Eyes ability to express and explain and exude that
  the world is wonderful and it's even immeasurably better with
  You...from that instant when we sat together by the fire and I ached to
touch You and my poetheart promised the universe whatever it  
wanted for the daily renewed memory of kissing You  

my dream
whether asleep or awake
the only fantasy which moves me
the only reality meant for me
my only failure that matters
the only forever that shatters

the reason the word awesome exists
or did I say amazing
or gorgeous
or silly sweet
or perfect
or exciting
or comfort
or Happy
or Hottie
or please kiss me NOW
or please let me please You
or touch me with Yur eyes
or hold me in Yur thighs
or nestle into my cuddle
  as I nestle into your soul
or any and every detail of You
  is why I want awareness
or did I mention that what you consider mundane about Yur life, Yur day
  when shared with You was a meteor shower at play

my muse
my music
  the soundtrack in my mind
  I waited forever to find
my love
my lust
my life
  the only Belief
  I ever actually Believed
  
the reason my heartbeat hopes breathing wasn't just a dream or a cruel memory
  from the moment of thrown away and broken and farther from
  awesome than possible i still exist despite the day-to-day lack of
desire to do so becuz my mind sings even within sorrow with echoes
of the soundtrack for my surreal world, the multi-faceted platinum
album of the funnest person the fullest woman (how can You be
everything?!?!) I've ever met or even seen who somehow inexplicably
LOVED me for a while (really...blue-on-blue-within-blue I saw inside  
Her inside Me)

my best day (she's US with me!)
my worst day (she's done with me)
my nervous excitement every single second since we met
my molten full-spectrum heartbeat (silly and sweet)
my only wish
  one fish
  two fish
  red fish
  blue fish
    my only wish

the only reason I keep breathing today
  becuz maybe there could be a someday

Adrenalin is already in play
  even beforeplay
So clip in
  (no, not *******)
grasp the bars you'll grip as you ride
  (not gasp as hard and slip & slide)
and start to pump
  slow at first
    and then faster
(okay, it's not all ******
   but it is all intimately sensual)

Welcome to Wonderful,
  the eternal quadrangle
    of physical/mental/emotional/spiritual
      (which makes love with ego's inellectual)
  where you can taste your health
    as yur in tune with yurself.
  mind drives body
    body alives mind
  it's a complete circle
    a beautiful cycle
      (a bi-cycle lol)

this movement
  this energy
it speaks to me
  both secretly and directly

Somehow effort seriously extreme
  is easier than anything should seem

Smooth & Fast like Dream Flight
  it soothes & excites!

just steady the climbs
  zoom the downs
    & pump the flats
or get stronger
  ride longer
push the legs and lungs along
  speed and speak to any ascent or descent
    until you Noe its song

This was meant to be my forte
  I was made to ride 100 miles a day!
Dude,
  distance disappears in Zen & Grace,
    it's my 2nd favorite place to have my face!

And I actually catch myself wondering what it would be like just  to keep rolling until I saw Canada and stopped to sample some salmon.....

Have you ever gazed up at your goal
  knowing it was just the first of many,
then given in to the siren call's control
  and joyed your away along the journey?

So you know teaching yourself to increase your best?
You know the ******* reaching of the crest?

Then you will Love the mint fire on your nerves
  as you *** alive cruising these curves

maybe there is no truth
  perhaps those were lies in your youth
could be there is no comfort
  mayhap all effort is merely hurt

I don't want to believe that's true
  but the only proof I have for you
is something She gave me that I Love even more than I like
  and now I Noe everything is Better on a Road Bike

the zoom, the move, the smooth
the intimacy of the power transfer
body is bike is body is bike
  check one, two, always the live mike
hills are merely miles
  and homeless heartless boy actually smiles
    (from the inside, not just the surface!!)

the only music is in my head
  are the sounds which surround me
    the hum of the tires on the asphalt
    the whoosh of the wind in my ears
      (and blowing back my hair hahaha lol)

Seriously,
  when I'm cruising my climbing
    along grades my truck hates driving
  or flying floating down descents
    as Joy earned after that ascent
  or inside my mind across miles of miles
    I ACTUALLY HAVE REAL SMILES

and as my legs link to my lungs
  muscles humm oxygen rhythm
I feel the whistle in what was once my soul
  and it feeds the underwhelming wish to be whole

at times the chills spill up & down my spine
  and I Noe there is no end of the line
just the preparation & anticipation
  for the next time.....

BOMBDIGGITY

the voodoo doll I have for You
  I speak to every night
with babble beg plead please
  and then a wish for Yur sweet dreams

the tattoo I have of You
  I stare at every night
with a sentimental smile singing please
  and then a wish for You in sweet dreams

I Love You Shannon Hickman (S.H.)
  Stud Hero (S.H.) Inspiration
I was put on this planet
  to be the being who whispers to you
Let's hold hands as we journey even further
  let's Love where we are
    & then Love the journey however far

I'm supposed to bring You Happy Fun Joy
  I'm supposed to be Yur Happy ***** Poet Boy
I should show You the You of You
  Incredible Wonderful Awesome Amazing True
That's the only possible reason I exist,
  unless you'll kiss me inside a dream mist
    which You share with me
      WHICH YOU SHARE WITH ME

Every time we were together
  didn't You feel the Forever?
Didn't You hear the tremble in my voice
  which mirrored the Miracle of Yur choice?

I grieve **** shall always believe...
Please never grieve!!
  **** Please Believe!!
Shannon,
  Please Believe!!!!

Oh Shannon,
  when You listen to a song whose emotions You feel saying You are amazing & Yur touch is the
  primordial nova, do You ever remember that was My touch and that EVERY SINGLE TOUCH OF
  MY EYES WAS PURE LOVE

Ohhhhhh,
  Shannon,
    how the **** did I not lift You with me onto clouds where WE could watch Z-O-E climb trees as WE
    giggled at our giddiness?!

My words made You want me
  **** you bored of the real me
HOW is that OUR Reality?

Stud Hero (S.H.),
  Clint shall now strive for excellent,
    far better than merely partying
      with some misc poeting

I will be everything I can be of me w/out You
  even though the only thing I'll ever want
is Yur life, mind, voice, curves, caress, kiss
  and the Soul in Yur eyes

**** how shall it ever compare
  to when You were forever there
when I was suddenly infinitely hotter
  and am pretty sure I could breathe underwater

Oh, Once Upon A Time Lover
  Forever Fantasy Dream Lover
******* with You
  or into You
    or Both
was the most Man I've ever been
  the realest my lips & tongue & **** have ever been
**** besides beyond the ******
  was the sensual
    & You made my heart's soul whirlpool
      with even the hint of a touch
        (a whisper from Yur look was almost too much)

Yet You were able to eliminate Yur Love for me,
  while for me it is the only Forever I'll ever be.
One day You could suddenly unsay NEED,
  **** Yur the only breath I'll ever bleed

Dumped Discarded
  thrown tossed away
Broken Sharded
  so easily tossed away

How?
  WOW to OW
How?
  HOW!?!?

Not just someone,
  not just fun,
    The One,
Not some ******* Stupid Movie “Neo”,
  SHE IS THE ONE

**** she decided i'm noone
  i am none

every belief i've ever held is unbelieved
  wrong wrong wrong wrong un-believed
                                         (i'm not me)

now mostly Yur a memory
  that personality which spoke words with that voice which sang sighed from that face, oh, that that
  face, through that mouth, sweet mother of the universe, that mouth, with those lips (ohhhh, so unfair
  to have those lips AND those eyes)
now mostly a memory

**** I do remember,
  I remember Every time we touched
                      Every time we talked
and when the nerves of my body
  forget Yur Lips, Yur Fingertips
    & the sweet squeezes between Yur thighs
I will still feel Yur eyes

You thought I saw inside You
  **** it was really inside You seeing me

Oh S.H.,
  the silly sweet stunned smile in my eyes
    is because of You
and Yur what makes them Blue
  (even blind I would see You)

My only philosophy
  is You should BE with Me
tell me to touch You deep inside
  that that's how You NEED Clint,
    in every possible way that can be meant

Other than that
  i'm just the shadow of a shell
and i don't understand
  how you aren't as well
You said I was awesome
  Yur that & then some

In some ways
  I'll be that way always
and even prove
  I can improve

My moonlight is as ever silver nova bright
My soul is still a sibling sister to the sun
I am as always an ocean
  my hand the waves upon the sand

I've decided to be healthy
  and so I shall be
I've embraced positivity
  so I'm as pleasant as can be

Active athletic
  no longer amateur alcoholic
I push to make me
  the Me knowing You
    made me want to Be
Goals for body & soul
  and the Noe I want you to know

And I'm reaching them
  & teaching me
Although other than that
  i'm just a shallow shadow of a shell

And Always
  And All Ways
S.H., S.H., S.H.
  my every realization
  my only information
    is Yur my Inspiration

Maybe Yur future music muse will Someday as a guitar sing my name

Maybe someday as You ride mtb miles
  or rule the road Hickman style
a song will echo in You our smiles
  for miles & miles & miles & miles
Maybe Yur memory music muse
  shall moan laugh sigh
    as a guitar sings my name

Then as You ride on by,
  will You call my name?

I'll be biking or hiking
  or swimming or gyming
    or running or writing
as I'm hoping & wishing
  & wanting & waiting

You gave up on our forty more glory years,
  agonized over the decision.
You sent us to separate beds in tears,
  sentenced me to poet prison
    (locked in a spiral cycle
       of pain and broken and fatal fetal and bleeding blue eyes stunned open in vicious surprise
           unable to close or escape into comatose)

My actions
  or actually inactions
may have murdered my Miracle
  made You listen to a false Oracle

**** unable to dim or die
  is You being the only ultimate “Why”
that I was created in the first place
  and put in the exact time & space
    to toss pebbles at Yur window
      that exploded into our nova glow

Even as we cried together
  months after died “together”
(You saying Yur not better without me
   yet can't won't be with me)
I swear on the soul that thinks it knows You
  (far more than the mere heart which beats because of You)
that I still feel You having feelings for me
  (oooohhhhh, You Noe You still want me)

Please let yourself see
  all the positives in me
don't ignore Yur desire
  don't lose it in disaster

we are US
  we are Love & Lust
and every like & lick in between
  (I know You Noe what I mean)

the aliens followed us
  cuz they felt our forever fever
their lights in our Arizona skies
  were listening to the bazillion butterflies
burning churning turning in my soul
  fluttering my libido

they knew what You do....
  that I can't play guitar
  **** I can be Yur star
they wanted to watch me & You
  strobe along to our music
  probe the strong of our magic
    read my SJH poems
    and count all our ****

**** they would never understand
  the simple thrill
  overwhelming joy for this boy
    of holding Shannon's hand :)

You may have been able to give up,
  somehow You had had enough,
**** I believe You didn't want to give up,
  and I should have proved my stuff!!

My Love for You like no other ever before,
  My amazement for You that couldn't be more.
The breathlessness bearing witness
  to the simplest silliest move You might make
The blue-eye-blue-eye-soul-gaze-bliss
  wanting to be waiting on when You wake

You do Noe that Everything You do
  biking hiking cooking thinking walking the insane work world
just excites inspires my soul to say WOOHOO
  and then Kahley & Z-O-E show me You as Mother unfurled
    & hurled into too much to be true

There is not a Disney potion
  which could move my emotions
more than the nervous excitement
  coursing full force thru Clint
when there's just a hint of Shannon!

Do You not Noe that even Yur mundane daily details are moments for which I counted the minutes until we could share?
How do you not Noe that even Yur boring is beyond Rare?

My want that is need
  is so hard for You
    that my heart **** as it bleeds

had every substance and experience
  but never any highs
    like Yur eyes
      or between Yur thighs

You may say only friends forever
  and only see me whenever or whatever
You may be able to forget that we are dismembered
  but for me the regret screams as it sobs as it's remembered

Yet hope shall never breathe its final sigh,
  does not Noe how to bid itself goodbye.
    (it wasn't token lust,
       it shouldn't be broken lost)

are You aware how full We were of Wonderful?
can his caress express what was our experience
  (over and over until forever becums forever)
do his words worship your existence
  (friend lover mother mentor sometimes trembling leaf who Loves me and looks at me into me    
      thanking me for holding her as she squeezes the breath into me)
does he slip serenely yet excitedly into sleep each night with Yur heartbeat echoing his own
  (seemingly the only bass beat his song has ever known)
does he dream of You each and every somewhen,
  wake up wishing he was already with You once again?
is Yur daughter his 2nd favorite person in the world
  (oh Z-O-E i'm soooo sorry you had to cry one single solitary tear from knowing me)

does his mind spend all day scribbling away on the insides of his eyelids everything he thinks about you...

and do You realize it isn't only when i'm awake...there isn't a moment in which my subconscious exists when it isn't walking old town San Diego with You or grinning as Yur fire-spinning or Breaking Bad as it basks in bend Yur **** over bike basket banter or holding Yur hand in an ancient cemetery with wine & cheese & grapes & Breakfast Club surreality or walking whispering a Halloween Haunted House with ridiculously brave Z-O-E

somehow for You it was dating
  just some seven month fling
for me it was the penultimate relationship
  the reason i'd learned this whole breathing feeling thing
and 175 days after You designated the dumpster for me
  it continues to transform me
    because of You i remake me

So, Hey, Hi, Here i am,
  Wanna hear who how i am?
Or do You wanna hear what i remember
  as i wonder what You remember?

How many of our memories mean as much to You as to me?? Hello Ladies on the bed together? or when i watched You shower? me not knowing the secrets to Yur frisbee throwing? our only time camping? creative counter cleaning? the every-single-time-spark of touching Yur skin? the way our ***  stroked squeezed rocked my **** and mind and soul and spirit and poet and left my lips on fire with spearmint-cool tingling? and did i mention being wet with electric sweat?

i seem to remember You saying i was **** (me?!?! - with or without a moustache) even as i was nervous & excited every time i realized You were looking my way, whether it was on a biplane or in a kayak beside an island or wishing i was saving You from a river monster or in a kayak beneath a full moon where You couldn't even notice that my pounding pulse was singing Yur name in a beautiful bass beat

i noe that You know Yur cool, **** i noe that You don't know HOW COOL...the coolest hot whose personality was music that instantly inserted itself into my internal playlist and cranked that ****** to a level that would deafen Spinal Tap!

do You know that You are style & passion
  and buffalo exchange fashion?
alien lights
  indian caves
    & ghost towns with donkeys?

You must realize somewhere deep inside on a primal level
  that once Yur eyes let me see inside You
i would need to be part of Yur life to be alive
  as US is the rainbow which gives color to each day's grey

even before kissing and everything on Our balcony
  in Our Sycamore Springs jacuzzi
You were the kiss I miss any split second my lips aren't melding melting into Yurs

You are dreams and fantasies and way too fantastic to be reality
You are The Happiness Joy that defines Happy for this poet boy

from the moment we met
  You are the 1st thing i think of when i awake
   the last thing in my mind as i slip into sleep
   the lead and supporting role in my subconscious when i'm unconscious
   and actually obviously the highlight to being alive each day

and it shall stay that way even from afar
  until just the other side of forever

there are as many Maybes
  as there are Somedays,
so as i strive not to mope
  (and just keep trying to be better)
i let thrive and nurture hope
  (and just keep trying to be better)

and preach to myself my mantra
and remind me of my motto
  don't give up
  don't ever give up

i do not write in pencil
  it's all written in real
no pattern, no stencil,
  hand drawn hard feel

inhale exhale
  whatever air is available
words need breaths to exist
  yet breathless i persist

never been in a band
  my words never heard
left to hold my own hand
  trying to unthink my words

no eraser available
(though noe is erased & dull)
so i babble feeble
  (though no words escape my skull)

eyes blink
  to rid themselves of the red
but don't disguise a think
  cuz the lids are hiding brain-dead

can you breathe underwater
  believing she's oxygen for you
can you breathe when you want her
  but she's allergic to you

soft socks should soothe a soul
  on a cold night in a Shannon cuddle
and be the only thing worn on the morning
  where we have each other waking for moaning

i thought She Loved me deeply
  NEEDED me
    (**** found there were cracks in our foundation)
i believed we were US forever
  walked the waking dream of our Love Affair
    (**** learned she could lose the fascination)

i was in LOVE
  She was dating
i found The One
  She was just dating

February 3rd came & went
  harbringer of the death of clint
March 8th was the final ****
   of the last of my living will

been in a haze of agony
  where my own jester hates me
i wake daily in a daze of disbelief
  to a nightmare real with no relief

my tears don't fall
  they flow
strong & steady
acidic yet empty
and their side-show-bob
  is the echo of my sobs

i keep writing poem after poem
  of pain
    PAIN

when the only poem i've ever wanted to write
  is the one She wants to re-read every night

heart broken into too many parts
  to collect them all
soul torn into too many holes
  to resurrect it at all

too many pieces of me dissolved in pain's poison
  to identify what remains as clinton
my blue eyes have the blues
  & they are blinded by the bruise
    (brought on by the brews)

at first the depression was only agony. shattered heart. shredded soul. broken being. murdered miracle. ruptured future. burning tears & knotted stomach & raking aching sobs. then my mind ceased being able to be a brain which thinks on any level even remotely resembling its prior ability (broken, synapses stutter). then i lost connection to physical coordination, no balance. no equilibrium. the shaking manic of a panic attack.

now it is an actual physical pain. random body stabs (images of laying on the slab). a  chest constantly pressed upon by an enormous weight as my heart pounds a deep thumping bass pulse in every vein and my misery brain whenever i think of Her, which is a million minutes a day.

i am not the Noe You knew
  not endearing
    not enduring

just a fake facsimile
  shallow shadow of me
unlit by Yur spark
  just a shadow in the dark
                 invisible me

we were hiking on the moon
  making Love among the stars
    in our own orbit of the sun
**** You stopped liking our tune
  un-Loved the US that was ours
    cared not that You are The One
      left me undone as no-one
         (not the Noe You knew)

You can't show & share Yur universe
  let You me my chorus & every verse
then dump me back into merely clinton
  and expect me to ever be Happy again

You can't lead me along the path i never even dreamed of
  and leave me lost in my mind without Yur Love
yet expect me to want to walk barren places
  or ever find any peace for my broken pieces

the butterflies will never die
  (or become bitterflies)
**** She no longer cares
  that they flutter
so now they also cry

i hate every day
  they're all horrible
each moment
  just more torment
it will always be this way
  & never is a long forever

however many years pass
  past the end of US
since Shannon broke clinton
  there was no more noe forevermore

even if the agony
  recedes minimally
there will be no noe tomorrow
  where there's no noe sorrow

the wounds wound farther & further down into the ragged jagged screaming screeching hole (heart + soul = hole) they found fully formed early February of Fourteen. my only craving is Her, but they keep carving deeper, widening the devastation which bleeds depression, wondering how long until the withdrawal into fetal becomes fatal

Happy is merely a memory
  i try to replay every day.
what if the farther from it i get,
  what if i forget?

what if the only hope you have is hope
  and you're believing in it with your entire being
**** you can't lift the loss's weight
  so you can't breathe while you wait

regardless of all this
we can *** home to US
all it takes is You wanting to

and i'll always be here
  hoping & hurting
    wishing & wanting & waiting

something left to lose?
  only the loss of Shannon....
all else has been given to the blues
  since the loss of Shannon....
(i could give up this forever festering bruise
    left on my heart's soul since losing Shannon)

am i supposed to somehow be able
  to claim i'm capable to enable
any ability to continue to carry on
as someone remotely resembling clinton

cuz i can't

broken is actually an entity
  which becomes who you be
when forever with her is priceless
  but forever without her is eternity

that star we gazed upon
  as it shone on our moon,
i thanked its kiss upon our lips
  until the land mine of its eclipse

no way to know that nova
  of Shannon kissin me into awesome
would one day be the anti-nova
  of clinton being the ultimate anti-awesome

how did the fire expire and You moved me from Love to like to kinda like to lose my number you loser ex-lover
there was a flower that had been waiting to blossom for forty-four ******* looooooonnnggg years of barren & burned or ignored & spurned and then it finally showed me all of its beauty, blossomed fuller & fabulouser, then built the bliss unbelievably day after day after day after even every moment and then when i thought we were going to commit to another entire level my rose turned up her nose, my tulip left me looking at her two lips (perfect lips), my finally requited Love looked at my soul, gazed upon my soul, linked US heart to heart, body to body, soul to soul, judged my being, and returned me to un-requited, threw me to the inside of suicide where the wolves are waiting, oh, the wolves are wanting, and i'm not strong enough to survive the destruction of me, and i can't outrun the wolves, and what does it mean when your eyes bleed, and when broken is actual physical is the heart supposed to hurt & pound in pain every morning in mourning for itself and cry to see the butterfly die in an inferno which begins with its wings infected inflicted with a deadly spark which seems to be beauty but is eventual evil and burns it into broken....

universe, please, please, help me, heal me (in Shannon), or just ******* **** me, please....

i am unable
  to understand the fable
why the shakespeare tragedy
  why the unspeakable agony

i failed
  i ****** up
and i'll never forgive me

but i was hyper-excited
  to fix the issues together
    to have US be ignited even further

how could You not believe
how could You make me leave
how could You look me in our eyes
  where blue kisses blue
    in a sweet soul stare
      and we end up nowhere

i thought i saw immortality
  as the US holding Z-O-E
but i was ****** into mortality
  when She killed US and then me

She executed the execution so nicely
  and supposedly still loves me
but She got over me almost instantly
  loving some man from before me
while i die even harder every ******* day
  please oblivion take me today

where is the cemetery
  where she buried Love
where is the grave
  where rot her feelings for me

how am i not still part of Her heart
  why do i rot in this soul hole of nothing
how could She take the hurt of tearing US apart
  was it just me who thought We were everything

how can You be The One
  and i'm no-one

i wake every ******* apocalypse morning
  and can't face continuing the mourning
i can't believe Her Love could leave
it is surreal
  & evil

She rescued me from a life
  which was never quite right
and showed me sweet
  rhymes with complete,
gave Her blue to my eyes,
  let me Love the future as forever,
then decided not to believe,
  decided to leave,
placed the dead in my eyes,
  faced me towards starless skies.

(hold me again
  hold me now
    take me to the somewhen
      when we are US somehow)

nothing i've ever said
  has ever mattered.
if it had i wouldn't be dead,
  i would not be gasping with a heart shattered,
    unable to breathe thru the soul shred

with Her
  HER
i never faked
i never lied
i never even would have tried.
She let me love being me
  and i could never be
    anything other than true
      to the TRUE of YOU

She was the mirror on me,
  She showed me the beauty of me,
and i believed what i'd never known before,
  that i could not just swim skim
    but dive deep along the miracle shore

but i missed the cracks,
  ignored the lacks
of two issues i actually knew
  which were the die to our do

my ******* fault we went faulty,
  i didn't **** the wolves at the door
    and ensure our fairy tale forevermore

(take me again
  take me once more
    into every part of You
Yur eyes
Yur heart
Yur thighs
Yur hurt
Yur sighs
Yur spirit
Yur why's
      Yur Forever)

She broke me
  and i know why
She destroyed me
  and i understand why
just not how She could do it
  not how She could **** US
not how She could say **** it
  not how She could give up on US

but i will never wonder why i Love Her
  will never blame Her
    for this forever hurt
for the forever linger
  of my dead heart

(lead me to Yur heart once more
  this time Please Forever
  leave me to horror nevermore
    just hold me Please Forever)

oh Shannon
  not left behind
Please Shannon
  not left behind
remember all You said
  don't leave me for dead
how *** You said i was awesome
  if i was really just no-one
limp **** drunk
  is my legacy
    once Shannon left me

once upon whenever
  i believed we were forever
but She thought different
  & threw away clint

i want to live forever
  if it's with Her
but if alone i'm begging You
  make Yur **** shot quick & true

i will Love forever
  but as US is now never
i can't continue
i CANNOT ******* CONTINUE
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
  is all of me which remains

i am not the noe You knew
  so make Yur **** shot quick & true

help....
    please

i was with the one today
  and i had to hear her say
    I love You
      to a man who wasn't me,
        who gets to be
          the only ever being i've ever wanted to be,
            will ever want to be

my heart ceased to be,
  my hurt increased with each un-beat
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
the light dead within my eyes,
  why won't this body just ******* die
PAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
broken never runs out of bleeding,
it's agonized creams never receding.
sometimes HAPPY turns into torture...

but so much was wonderful,
  i heard her voice say other things,
i felt the touch of her beautiful
  in how she does everything,
i watched her move
i saw her blue eyes be blue
i got to see her haircut in person
i got to be invited to lunch
i got to watch some World Cup
  and chat like two great friends
which we always wer  even when we were lovers

there was a huge hug,
  at least to me,
and then a quick kiss
  (on the lips, oh god, those lips, they are the rainbow gentle warm rainstorm which can suddenly press    
      into my soul with the urgency and primal energy of the tsunami tide flinging me unharmed miles
         inland onto paradise island which i dream of every time i'm asleep or awake),
and then a comfortable smiling pleasant farewell
  which let me remember happiness tell its tale.

and i got to remember
  every moment with her
grocery shopping
(ecstatic with joy)
floor mopping
  (giddy boy with xmas toy)
walking around the lake
  with all the babble you could take
talking in the jacuzzi
  as we laughed with Z-O-E
hiking biking camping bi-plane flying
  smiling inside with heart soul flying

i got to remember
  passion
  moans
  squeezes
  I Love You's
  I Need You's

and even though awake
  i dreamt of how i dream
    of our blue eyes being bluer
      because of each other

then
  i get to return to my broken,
    beg the universe for another chance for US
  and count the seconds
    until our next meeting as friends

all i'll ever want
  is to be what She wants
to be the everything She needs
to be what beats Her heart
  as it flutters it as well
to be the amazing feeding Her soul
  to be The One making Her whole

and if She would say okay
  to make Love with Her everyday
kiss squeeze
  lick rub stroke
**** Her as hard as I can
  (except for when she wants some gentle
whenever she wants to ***

and did i mention
  the blue eyes of Shannon
which i need to stare into
until mine become as blue....

Once upon the most important moment
  ever to be crucial to my too-invulnerable soul,
i ****** up beyond all possibility to be believed,
  utter failure for the only forever which will ever matter

confident in my idiot coat,
  i slit my own throat
    (with my serrated knife
      of not good enough
     i ended my greatest life
       by killing her loving our Love)

i cut out my own heart,
  watched my aborted soul
   streak shrieking out the gaping hole
it was mourning for all the mornings
  it would never wake beside her
it hated me for all the adventures
  it will now never share with her
it shall always despise me
  for the forever she denies me

the blade of my inability
  to make her believe in me
carved out my breaking barely beating heart
  but could not **** the boundless hurt
    (this pain shall always forever reign)

Eventually
  i mostly got over the loss of my sister
    because i couldn't keep empowering the horror
and i understood why she couldn't go on
  and she would have wanted me to move on

Eventually
  cannot this time occur,
i can't even minutely reduce the power of this horror,
  it is feral aggressive primordial omnipotent horror

Shannon, oh, Shannon,
  you threw me away
Shunned, oh god, shunned
on my Judgement Day

The One
  dis-believed US
  un-believed US
The One, while crying,
  said she still Loved Me (me!!)
    (and missed me, silly)
and wasn't better without me,
  but wouldn't be with me
and then went back to an ex before me
  so easily and fast into over me.

And i'll never get past that,
  any of that...

how do you meet a miracle,
The One & Only One,
who says sighs smiles you make each other miracled,
  and then just be over & done.

i don't know if you've ever been that broken,
  if very want you've ever wished for
was suddenly sharing a million more,
and then in an instant all was unspoken

and i  don't know
  if the worst experience you'll ever know
was an unexpected assault
from your own ****-up fault,
was a sudden evil somewhen
  banishing the best you've ever been

but she won't let me fix the what or the why,
  so i'll live for decades wanting to die.
and even in my nothing,
  i do know a few things...

i don't want this dark,
  i want her spark
    & the flame it ignited
      & the future it excited
which used to burn with no pain
  & i keep trying for believing
    somehow someday it will again

i don't want this darkness
  that after her i “live” in.
i just want her kiss
  again & again & again

i don't want to know
  any more of this limp limbo,
i want when i make her laugh
  and make her smile two times plus half

i can't know any more of this horror,
  can't keep knowing years exploding into tears.
i want to keep quoting the movie
where You said Yur best was me
      (seriously, ME!!!!)
    she said it was me

Shannon's voice
  her personality
the touch of her eyes' smile
  and trying to watch that at the same time
    as staring at those luscious lips
while aching to grab her *** as
  we pulled us hips to hips.

everything about her
  and about US
the LOVE
  the LUST
the connections from a multitude of directions
  the music
    the emotions
the bodies playing tunes
  as hearts kept the beat
and kayaks under full moons
  whispered we were the shared heartbeat
    that everyone dreams about
            everyone dreams about
we were it
  we are it
it will never not be right
  it will never not be our night

but her eventual belief
  became my eternal grief
as instead of mend it
  and make US even stronger
she decided to end it
  and make US no longer

so sorrows are all my tomorrows
  and volcano tears are my eyes for years
    (they explode without warning
      all throughout every day
     and no-one seems to see the scarring
      as they burn & turn my heart to pompei)

i envisioned holding her for forever,
  tightly when she wanted,
    loosely when she was ultra busy
      and a light touch would make her happy

i remember every time she touched me,
  it was always rhythm & rhyme & HAPPY
seriously,
i still tingle from her first touch,
    who knew June 30th, 2013 would mean so much
      (or that February 3rd, 2014 would **** me)
we sat & spoke & shared beside a fire,
  finally in person with the finest person,
    as her personality & eyes & & voice set me forever afire
      (until the day she emailed me into broken)

and now i remember how a miracle dies,
  i remember with my once bright blue eyes
whose light left when she said
  we will never be wed,
    we will no longer Love instead

& then my eyes ceased seeing my soul,
  not merely blinded
    by all that was reminded
      staring into that bleeding hole,
but instead finally ******* dead

look me once more in the eyes,
  see the agony in their empty,
and cry as You realize
  removing You from me killed me

break my mirror,
  what's left to lose?
take my forever fear,
  i shall succumb & lose

a We that was US
  is naught but a forgotten smile
and yet all the while...

the other we is here waiting,
  my brokenness & i.
forever needing our re-fating,
  DEAD but dreaming of being alive

is there a way to block having to see someone use this site as a personal blog????  I really want to read and share with people who are trying to explore their feelings and thoughts and laughs and tears and joys and losses by exploring all those things thru words their hearts and souls and minds pour into poetry...not be deluged by someone's constant brain farts. It is a place to share poetry, not a diary or a blog.  So if anyone knows how to block an individual contributor, I would love to now how as well....

i only want one of two things,
  **** whatever else the world brings.
to be with her forever
  laughing along whichever whatever
    changing challenges into our favorite weather
or not to exist,
  a popped cyst
    melted into the mist

fire always burns
  but it only hurts if you can still feel
frost also burns
  but why care if you've no heat left to steal

The One,
  do you comprehend my words,
The One,
  ******* understand what you heard,
The One left me,
  think you can touch that agony?

i novaed my way along
  the first few days of forever
i glowed my giddy song,
  even when sharing mundane whatever
i exploded with her into where we belong
  when we were on an adventure

one day with The One
one night with The One
  was wonder untold
    never to grow old

the next & the next & the next,
  each somehow better than the rest
(which should be impossible
  given each's penultimate wonderful)

but blessed became cursed
  and now each new day is the worst

i was walking hand-in-hand with happiness
  now running begging towards emptiness
but i cannot escape this agony
  cuz it's the cancer inside of me

and it's all my fault,
  my failure fault.
not what i could have been
                  should have been
as a boyfriend
  or a companion

just a loser lover,
  and the judge was not miserly
    sentencing my misery

did i happen to mention
that i found lose in my ultimate win
and far too far before forever
  The One
    threw away her clinton....

the blood-soaked splinters
  of my broken heart
drip screams into my dreams
  that never stop once they start

the mirror-shard memories
  of my shattered soul
reflect what once was perfect
  now whole only as a hole

both are buried barely breathing
  in an eternal fetal curl
fantasizing about an end upon which they depend
  romanticizing any means to meet that end

picturing the gun
  (their new bestest friend)
with its whispered promises
  of pain finally none
    and never misses.

as i am imagining its caring companion
  (which whistles thru the wind)
streaking seeking to blow my mind
  & on its exit make my pain none,
sweet bullet so kind!

i want to kiss it
               caress it
shower it with its favorite flower,
  give it the champagne of my brain

but although my plea is loud,
  this is not for me allowed.
Carla sent her life into hollow,
  and i cannot let me follow

i was born
  i laughed
  i cried
    the former much much more

years after first torn
  i still laughed
  i still cried
    the former still somewhat more

then i met my miracle
  and present & future were immediately wonderful
    with surface & every single level beautiful
and i smiled & laughed & sighed & swooned
  and whispered & whistled
    with US the tune

then i ****** up
  & she gave up
and i may occasionally laugh
  but mostly i cry
    the latter now infinitely more

Shannon & i kissed souls
  but i murdered our miracle
now all i can do is wait
  and beg it to reincarnate

just need to keep asking
  how long do you think it might be
    until there's even a mote less agony in me

and i was once more wondering
  what ******* year will i again get to be
    anything even remotely like what was me

please please please pity my pleading
  and promise that some eternity maybe
    someone shall seal & heal these soul holes in me

oh look, he's back
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

whistle whining back down the track
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

******' boo hoo
so she doesn't love you
just becuz she was The One
  and without her dead is the sun

are we all supposed to suspend our lives
  just because you'll never again be alive
NMFP
  not my ******* problem

oh wait
  i'm the broken boy begging
    don't let it be too late

no-one else needs to care
  about the shredded regrets i share
but that don't diminish the damage
  from landing on the razor
    after being thrown over the edge

shhhhh
  don't wake him up
    he hates waking up

cuz he had a breakdown?
  ****** duh!
thrown from heaven to the ground,
  uh, broken, duh
(did i mention the ground was spikes,
   serrated poison-dripping spikes)

dead but unable to die
  death-breath-kiss in every way that matters
but not allowed to die
  just destined to be bleeding amongst the shatters

why must i wake up again
  every ******* everywhen
    without Shannon

how are you?
  the constant question i'm assailed with

how are you?
  the only answer i've come up with:
      horrible
      awful
      heart & soul broken
      viciously violently depressed
      worst i've ever been
      & worse every day
      hate my self
      hate my life
      wish i was dead

my inner self
  is begging to be someone else
it's not the first time
  just the worst time

becuz she wasn't first love
  just first LOVE

the thing is
  as much as i wanted a billion years of youth together
many millions of much's more
  what i wanted was our forever together
and at 85 You would have made me feel just as alive
  and still nervous & excited
and been beautiful
and twirled whirled my soul

**** You didn't want me
  even one more day
so You nicely crumpled me
  and threw me away

it turns out forever
  is 7 months
then it's a lot of never
  for the rest of my months

and the violence of awakening
  (a demon thirst with no slaking)
will be ripping ragged holes in my soul
  far more than 7 months after me heart was torn apart

so how am i?
  me, whose every day begins and ends
    with a sobbing cry

i am hopeful
        hope full
or actually i'm me,
  its absolute opposite....

(please stop asking)

the execution is complete,
  the blood sticky sweet.
yet somehow i'm still here,
  the end of this pain nowhere near.

i'm not nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
okay so really i'm nothing without You,
  except the only thing that i am
    is absolute agony antithesizing joy.

dreaming expires
hoping retires
  and when she reminded me
    of what is really me
      it was pathetic ******* loser
        & why would she want that with her

i was merely a distraction,
  a temporary action.
before she went back to another,
  was better with her other lover

after all these years,
  the screaming & the tears,
i've finally completely ******* faded,
  the last chamber of my heart degraded

the only colors are red (pure purreed pain)
                              blue (aggressive depression)
                              & grey (dead yet somehow still not gone)

and i should be bland,
  but although broken & barren,
the pain is too intimate with its intensity
  to let me dye away from this **** me

please save me
please believe in me
please unbreak me
please retake me

it's not that i'm nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
shattered shards further shredded,
  a soul just a hole that's been beheaded

the execution is complete
  and dead is the heartbeat.
so why oh why oh why
  can't i just ******* die

There have been women
who liked me licked me
    hugged me held me
      ****** me ****** me,
gave their time to me,
  saying they loved me

walked with me thru days & nights,
  talked with me about the sounds & sights,
let me move them
let me make them moan
let me hold their hand
as we said we understand

It was wonderful to be me
  whenever they were near
but somehow some whisper within me
  just barely too soft to hear
knew they were just telling me
  what i wanted so desperately to hear

but You convinced me (fooled me?), made me feel the entirety of eternity, actually believe in my far too tender heat & vulnerable soul that i was the One who was hot, inside & out, that i was cool on level after level, that i was cute & ****, that my eyes were truly blue and saw straight deep into You & that i made You know You are beautiful & hot & the Most of Everything & Loved & Needed & Perfect & Gorgeous inside & outside & more amazingly wonderful on each & every level than i could have ever even imagined and i moved Yur heart & mind & soul & made You *** out of control. That i was sweet and made You complete and am giving & kind & interesting exciting & funnest & way beyond worth falling in Love with over & over and i made Yur toes curl & Yur tingles smile and i was Loved and Needed....

Maybe it was all just my imagination
  or a wrongly remembered memory,
but i swear upon everything i have ever held holy
  You held me as close & tight as You possibly could
    and whispered sweetly that You Loved me
      and that it actually happened a lot
        and then suddenly not

You left me
  You dumped me
    You threw me away
      You said forever ends today

But i know it was my fault,
  i'm to blame for my soul assault.
You kissed me and then You killed me,
  but it was all because of me

i failed You as a boyfriend
  and a companion
    and a lover
and it forced You to have to hurt me when You didn't want to and break me and take away my present and my future and annihilate any hope for happiness and destroy the most joy i've ever known and how can i ever forgive me?

And now Yur with some other man
  Yur with another man
and i know it's better for You
  cuz he's better than me

but FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
i can't do this
and i know it's pathetically horribly shallow and hypocritical because i really really really want You to be happy but it kills me that it isn't US. and i can't understand how You said all those things to me (some on sweaty sheets or anywhere our clothes could come off, some after a few beers or wandering wineries, some nestling into a cuddle on the couch, some just on a random Wednesday evening) and then threw me away like forever was just a use or freeze by date You had accidentally left too long in the salad drawer. and i can't imagine being with someone else when all i think about all day and night is You! and i'm still so insanely in Love with You and i'm still so nervous & excited for every single interaction and seeing You still tingles me me & makes me Love the universe but the pain & depression is somehow worse every day and my stomach is always clenched in knots which mangle & won't untangle and some immense evil entity is always standing on my chest and crushing my still-screaming heart and the pain which is supposed to just be emotional is a physical palpable tangible pounding being who hates me and is extreme and unrelenting and i hate waking up and realizing that i can't see You or touch You or kiss You or share mundane daily activities which to me were miracles or plan another adventure

i don't know how to heal
  & not because the scars i have to peel,
but because the wounds won't cease their screaming
  & will always always always be bleeding

i just want to beg You to change Yur mind and take me back instead of him and plead with You to believe in me and make You explain why he's better than me and why how You stopped Loving & Wanting me and how i went from awesome to worthless so fast and i know it's so shallow of me not to be happy for Yur happy and thankful grateful worshiping the universe for the too short time You let me feel Yur Love but the only reason i don't describe myself as hollow is that i'm filled with Agony, screaming stabbing slicing shredding and never ending never ******* ending it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop

every other emotion & relationship
  was just a kid's crush.
SJH is the SHE who is the ONE

and i'm ****** up
  and freaked out
    and terrified to wake up

i hate waking up

i thought i knew agony,
  since we're such old & intimate friends.
i believed there was nothing new to see
  in her all too personal attacks on me.
i let in the thinking that make amends
  if she should ever again descend.

i naively believed that I was an expert
  in the arena of handling any hurt.
just look & listen at my life & see
  what the **** else you gonna do to me

there was the younger brother confusion
  losing closest sister contusion
when my best friend heroine
  made her best friend ******

we really amplified the ride
  with my sister's suicide.
my first and favorite hero self-died,
  the first necessary piece of me also died

then we enter the cyclone center,
  thrown into the throes
    of torn by tornadoes,
      with a myriad of manglings my mentor

there's a lot of not good enough
  where instead of lust and love
    i was just friend and fluff

and as anyone who knows me knows,
  there are 4 wonderful ones of those
    as petals on my unrequited rose

But i knew nothing of true pain
  and its ever renewing refrain
    which crests and crashes only to crescendo again.
i was an amateur at torture
  about to embark on a timeless tour
    of self-immolation soul forfeiture

a novice at breaking bad the prefect kiss,
  when lips lick the dry ice of anti-paradise,
i am now truly the traveler
  along the lanes of the Love unraveler

an evil-apple eater am i,
  a poison addled corpse am i.
a jester who is merely a fool,
  a loser whose uncool is cruel

the ONE who should never have Loved me
  or had any interest whatsoever in me,
liked me licked me Loved me,
  gave her heart and soul and life and time to me.
whispered and caressed and laughed inside me,
and showed me how to be.
took me inside her Love and smile and life and kiss and body,
  allowed me to Love her sweet wonderful daughter as family.
Dreamed up an activity list that we could add to forever
  and began adventuring it and more together.
Out of my league awesome amazing
  let me do so much more than unrequited gazing.
She smiled at me with her eyes,
  so cool and deep and blue.
She smiled at me within her thighs,
  so hot and sweet and squeeze me true.
the HER in her voice
  left me no choice
but to wish my ears had fingertips
  or i could feel her words with my lips.
Everything i had ever wanted or wished for,
  and a myriad of miracles i never knew of before
were given to me by Milady
  and i sang thanks daily.

but like a limp **** drunk
  i tossed my Love a skunk.
i ****** up and failed the ONE
  and she decided we're done

heaven to hell my sad story,
  not even a stop in purgatory.
just ceaseless screams
  and blood-filled streams
    flooding my agony dreams

heart soul shred
  i thee wed.
and this Agony shall echo until the end of forever
  and then some more forever

Do You Know Crescendo?
If So, What Do You Know?
Will you Tell Me What You've Seen?
Can you Tell Me What It Means?


Hello Mister Man
  doing what you can
Praying for enlightenment
  or perhaps just some excitement
Playing with the magic marbles
  or maybe merely bruised baubles

You've known it all
had it all
yet still sometimes you stall
hesitate to call

blast away from your past
allow yourself a brand new cast
walk talk some suave smoothness
stalk absolute awesomeness

grab the sunrise with your eyes
and stare at the rare glare
grasp the moonrise in your skies
and make it want to make you rise
(and yes I mean between your thighs!)

you're just the whole of your sums
a man whose time has ***!
so ****** what Love you can
catch a match if you can!
find a fondler for your heart
wherever you have to start.

I know memories and nightmares remain
mayhap your soul is scared of its stain
but we all hold those spirits
and it don't help to fear it

best to just watch it and cry
and know you wont know why
then begin to want to win
and start to watch the when!



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Can you Feel the Glow Grow?
Do you Sense the Inspire
  in the Incense Almost on Fire?
Have you Felt the Intense
  From the Moment just Prior?
  


bye bye blue balloon in a bluer sky
whom we watch and all ways wonder why
maybe at the beach where we peer from the pier
or inside memories where emotions rear

people die daily
most matter not to me
and if you tell me true
they're meaningless to you too
(they mean less than little to you too)

and although they have no name
thoughts are just the same
bright and well spoken
turn burnt and broken
the most magical emotional mental dancer
succumbing to age, betrayal or cancer

same as always
gloom zoom
doom bloom
perfume plume
a whom who boom

fabulous fantastic and feverish ******
long ago dichotomies caught me
and it's been so ever since



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Have you Felt Lick BeCum Blow?
Because you need to Know Foreplay
  Before you can Play!
And if you Stay For FivePlay
  THEN You Gone ALL THE WAY!



are you ******' ready to rock?
are you Warp 10 Mr Spock?!
Cuz we're Boldly Going
Where only Crescendo is Knowing!
drum beat sweet
bass in your face
guitar going far
keyboards a sweet sword!

well on the way to wasted
ere the day is even tasted
whatcha gonna do?
what are you going to do?

well, at this minute within infinity,
this minute moment of eternity
all I really want is pizza
mmm, oh yah

And, by the way,
Do You Know Crescendo?
  When the Spun's just Begun
     will you Ride Inside?
When Fast is still Slow
  Breezing towards the Tornado
Will you Float in the Flights
   of Increasing Insights
Until the Spirit that Excites
is Dizzied by the Heights?



Once my guitar was in tune
with the stars and the moon
but a stutter befell my lips
when there did swell an eclipse
And then as if the first dawn
all darkness and doubt was gone!

Sunrise proceeded to Crescendo the skies
soulfire blazing clouds and  kissing my eyes
reaching out from above
  with All We Need Is Love

IT excites marvels and magics me
as much
as it did the first time I felt it
twas instantly so much infinitely more
had I ever even felt before?


That's Noe Crescendo
It's Intellectual Individualism
Emotings Within Emotions
Encircled Within A Warm Wet Circle
And A Beer


You can't just “C'mere” Cashmere
You needs must earn
each and every sideburn
To wear That Hat
You Must Learn Where It's At
Is Your Soul So Full As To Be Soulful?
Does Your Every Move Prove The Groove?
Have You Seen Brian Wilson Smile From A Few Feet Away?
Have You Survived ALL Of The Games Reality May Play?
Do You Want “Tom Petty? and “Wrote A Song With Me”
  to be part of your eulogy?


Do you Get Velvet?
Do You?
I doubt it.
Not yet.
But when the wind wends its way
within the grooves and gusts his guitar may play
Be still
and in the eventual
you will...



Do you know Crescendo?

Can You Relax
  And ******?
Have you ever added a line to a Beer Frenzy?

Have You ever Smelled a Sound
  and Heard as your Head Said
    there's a Lot of Weirdness Goin' Around?


Death drinks deep
   of the dreams you sleep
Dines with blatant assassins
Deigns to act as if he's welcomed in
Drives over the cliff of irony
  and decomposes all of your symphonies.

Life lives in leaps
  of the loves you keep
Lyrics your mostest moments
Listens to all of your “I Meants”
Links all of the lines you've written
  and lingers longingly in every when.

Both spin within the spiral
that is the crux of Crescendo.



Within Crescendo there is some Solo
Some Jimi Sayin' “Hey Joe”
Some Moon & Some Bonzo!

Forever Upon A Time
You Heard THE BEATLES For The First Time
And Instant Complete Understanding Occurred
You Heard
You Heard
Music Mind Body Spirit And Soul
Being The Presence And The Promise Of  Whole
All Is Everything
To Be Is To Always Sing
And as you drank in some Beertles
You Knew Crescendo

She Chose Wrong,
Either in the Beginning
Or at the Ending
Or Both


Either i can't fall asleep,
  the broken too deep
    to allow a long enough cease in the screams
      for my mangled mind to ease into dreams.

Or i can't want to awake,
  mop up more soul blood from the break,
    accept the cruel caress of the reality razor,
      inhale a shriek like the shock of a taser.

Molten affection,
  merely missed direction.
She passed on precious
& picked for me pathetic.

the words we shared, spoken & unspoken, were apparently obviously irrelevant, the emotions Hollywood transparent, the Love only alive inside one side, the caressing was not the coursing of ultimate intimacy, just some stroking, just some *******, the Making Love was merely *******, the cuddle snuggle happy happy joy joy two as one was only not being alone, the together forever hopes plans ideas tingly sparkly promises of the future was really just passing some time, the kisses, hot & wet & as perfect as you can get (sometimes soft & searching, sometimes soooo assertive with their urgency) turns out were just the touching of lips, not the tasting & entwining of hearts & souls. i Loved Everything, more than the combining of every everything ever felt before, and the tasting of the time, the singing of the seconds, the linking from eye-soul-gaze locking, the embraces, the feverishly ******* her anytime anywhere there was the opportunity, the hours sleeping beside her, the ecstasy shower of being inside her, were all ultra-exquisite awesomeness, **** you need to understand, kissing her was incredible to my heart, each & every kiss was passionate & intimate & tingled me to my toes, sometimes curling them, and made me feel completely in tune, like our hearts were sharing the same beats...

Asleep or awake,
  it's all break.
Deep in sleep or newly awoken,
  it's always even more broken.
Either is the same shattered stare,
  **** this forever nightmare...---

Whether you name it Destiny
  when it searches thru the many
and decides if you receive only mini
  or are even allowed to have any
    (is your future already finis?)

Whether you call it Kismet
  as it views what you haven't met yet
and determines who & what you get
  or when you win or lose the bet
    (will your skies be sunrise or sunset?)

Whether you know it as Fate
  while it muses how long you must wait
and deems if you're worthy of its weight
  or decrees your each and every date
    (how well will you rate?)

You will wonder as you wander into its silken mist
  if you head towards a caress kiss or just a fist.
Will it find you a friend
  and a Love which shall never end?
or the knife that carves away your life,
  the noose you're too late to cut loose?

Will it whisper in a whistle only you can hear
  that your hopes are actually fears
    and your dreams are nightmares here?
Or will it tattoo you through & through
  with image-symbols pure-silver true
    gleaming new
      gleaned from all you ever knew?

Will it make your view re-size
  and force you to realize
that part of the heart is in the head
  and when it starts bleeding it's hard to hide
    impossible to hold inside
as the soul-tears escape to sting you dead
  & stain your eternal world red?
Or will it tell you to take a look
  and learn that nothing is a lock?
You can make your own luck,
  you can Make Love & ****.

Will it sing to me, Clint,
  there will always be a WOW moment....

If only You still Loved me
  the sunshine would still sing
    instead of shrilly sting

Our days would be far too sappy,
  making each other far too happy.
Better to **** it to death
  before it could draw another breath.
Why would we want all those years
  helping each other laugh at our fears

If only You had truly Loved me
  then the salvation promising to eternally kiss me
    would not be the damnation forever killing me

Our nights would be shared heartbeats,
  making Love on sweet sweaty sheets.
Best to just strangle that sucker,
  we must mangle that ******.
But what was the miniscule worth
  of sharing this miracle on earth?

If only You had believed in me,
  that I wasn't Joe,
    i was just noe.

Then i could have been good enough,
  could easily have fixed the ****-ups...
And i was soooo ready to too,
  i was excited to push anew
    from that night of February Two

I was supposed to amplify Yur positives,
  help You handle & heal Yur negatives!
**** i failed to remove
  my own scratched grooves...

And then so suddenly i was incapable of breathing,
  i was no longer even remotely being.
Stabbed in the eyes was my soul-seeing,
  thrown away was a Love no longer breathing.

Holy miraculous universe
  suddenly jarred into reverse.
Everything reverts to nothing,
  horrific heart-hurt the only something.

The butterflies born from every single second with You,
  shall forever flutter shudder wounded within my bleeding being...
And i don't noe what they think they want me to do
  or how to convince them to please stop screaming

Sooooo many seeping weeping scars,
  burning novae dead stars.
Just glad it's me who's gone,
  and She can smile on...

I have been beside her
  in joy and love.
Been inside her
  in joy and love.

I have seen straight into her soul,
  stared awe-struck in love a million-fold.
Been sent further than I knew you could go beyond control
  by the sweet succulent scent of her soul
    (it is trails & rivers & bamboo
      & cooking & kissing & always true
      & music & wild wonderful lover
      & absolutely amazing mother
      & blue eyes which made mine bluer
      & spinning fire & adventures
     it is staring into the sun without going blind
     it is the One Love i waited my entire life to find)

i worship and weep at an altar of forever remember
  where we bike and hike and soul-stare-share,
    make love anywhere
                      everywhere
                      sharing a shower
                      or a counter encounter,
    fling frisbees by our beach scenery
      before flinging footballs at a winery,
    toss pebbles at windows
      before she curls my toes,
    clown horn swarm her iphone
      as rock n roll ring tones
        rock n roll my real phone,
    fall asleep holding her
      happier than ever before,
    dream of years of days of seconds with her
      each somehow better than the one before,
    and awaken to the miracle of her
      even happier than ever before!

Then in a dead dream
  never to be our reality
    (aborted before my belief dream
       actually became our forever reality)
i somehow play guitar,
  become Yur miracle musician poet star,
and in a perfectly uncontrollable embrace
  You scream & whisper as You kiss my face,
and as we make each other *** & then some
  and tremble at the power of what we've become
we are dazzled by discussions of the future,
  of our family and activities and Love so pure!

Eventually i wake up
  why?
i hate when i wake up
  cry!

Shannon
  oh Shannon
    my Shannon
the One i waited forever for,
  why did You show me the sacred shore
    only to **** me and leave me bleeding in agonized gore

You are the Love of my life,
  i'll always wish You were my wife!
& with Z-O-E
  we were a family :)

**** You killed US,
  crushed and swept away the dust.
You loved me one day,
  the next You threw me away...

The 3rd day of February
  is when i ceased to be me.
There are sporadic moments
  where i'm almost clint
**** mostly i'm merely a regression
  into deeper darker depression....

What doesn't **** you,
  only makes you stronger...
unless it kills you

Life is Fantastic & ******,
All Miracles & Mired in Muck,
And in the Usual Twist,
I Exist Betwixt

How many times upon a time I do not know
(I'm certain it's close to infinite though),
a man speaks to a beach with its watching moon
and beseeches them to grant him a boon.
He wanders and wonders what everything means,
and wonders if his wanders lead to what should be seen.
He seeks to speak words never heard,
and is smitten with the thought of ideas never written.
He remembers living in darkness unforgiving,
with blades of pain in the brain
which carved out parts of his heart.
He recalls laughter and love,
and joy from within and above.
Forsooth he searches for truth,
to re-touch the teachings of youth,
while embracing maturity,
and all it's taught him to be...

farther into the forest
  than any path can ever find
emotions imagine an eden
  and insist upon belief in its existence

a heart's hopes unable to rest
  are not necesarily kind
and if paradise remains barren
  belief begins to question its insistence

choking on the inbetween
  of reality and what I mean
stoking stroking fantasy's awe
  until I end up ridden raw

I'll wear my ice-blue rose
  til my death and beyond
Unrequited and Rejected
  with its core sorely infected
Yet still somehow it knows
  not a single petal was Loved wrong

the ghost won't ever dim in my mind
  nor release its tingle from my feel
tattooed with you on each inch of my inside
  the only woman I want to sing me real

if only you would take me deep within you
  and want for me to hold you too
I would inhale you way within
  never to ever exhale again

in the middle of the midst of the scene
  i swear this ******'s already been seen

cut to some day
  that seems like today
or should be,
  maybe.
except I can't quite manage to distinguish
  the quiet from the mirage from the extinguished

stomping barefoot on broken glass
  moshing in a field of razor grass
will the screaming ever ease?
  the shrieking ever cease?

price paid
  over & over
    ad infinitum
fight not to fade
  over & over
    and then some

exhausted
  self-accosted
so sick of this ****
  & its anti-exquisite
    ready to abandon belief in it
but will when ever be the whole then again?
  will Clint ever really rock & roll & rule again?

hmmm,
  we know you can't bind me
    if I decide to find me
  so get thee behind me
    before I remind me
  of the achievements I was “meant” for
    which I never ever gave a **** for

Force of Nature
  my own answer
intellectual
emotional
primal
  the forever genius jester

wit charm & character
  with four-alarm laughter
exiting the confusion
  burning cold fusion

escaped from my asylum
  for the emotionally insane
unbroken I again become
  and this phoenix shall remain

in the movement of a moment you met her,
  the mayhap of a magic that just might matter.
your pulse pounds in your pupils,
  pulls & pours perfect purple pearls
    of a never-known intricate history,
      an instant intimate mystery.

from the view point
         the true point
         the view to poignant
Cherry Apple Blossoms
  carry Ample Awesome.
silken sailors on a sultry wind
  blowing between their lotus friends,
wander within the waterfall
  & ride it upwards after all.

mere moments from making memories
  melding mighty might-be's,
your morbid mockingbird returns
  melting maybes into more burns.

the water appears pure
  & your scars need cure,
but it won't wash away the intense,
  can't convince me to release and rinse.
Blood bound to my soaked sleeve,
  saturated with the grieve
    of the heart worn stark there,
      the heart i can't spark or spare.
failing falling farther further
  faster into fractured forever.

from WOAH to WOE
  and WOW to OW,
one more maybe something
  dies another nothing

yeah, i know,
  you been all about NO,
    flushed in a negative flow

As Lucid As Hell

i keep seeing your fleeings
  from deep suffering feelings,
    crushed beyond breathing.

refueled and refeeled are the doubts,
  rabid to wreak the shrieks of their shouts.
happy only happening
  from external stimulation,
misery the missing of my own motivation.
even music is up down all-around,
  sometimes just sound.
how much more tired
  can you grow of uninspired?

But what the **** Dude?
  whence went your Attitude?
the epitome of optimal optimism
  within every wish or whim!
intense immense confidence,
  invincible invulnerable arrogance.
remember the relentless effortless course
  of your subconscious primal source?
the intimate emotional intelligence
  to whom all made sense.

Have you ever felt overflowing
                         been effervescent
                         knew you were undousable?

Are you aware of self-fulfilling prophecies
  that refueling never needs?

Perhaps possibly that personality is not deceased,
  and not even appreciably decreased.
If the power imbuing the flower
  simply slipped sleeping into hibernation,
then there just needs to be a shower
  to rinse in the reinCarnation.

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
is belief in being almost cute
  with soul-voice articulate.
a writer friends & family call poet
  who rides rhythm & rhyme
    along imagination's music,
      the inner bliss
        which inspires a kiss
witty charming stunned
  sweet smart overcum
suave swan not gone,
  just sleeping til the right dawn.

maybe it's back to the breeze,
  re-friending the days it brought teaching.
information gathered from seas & trees
  transferred to me from miles of reaching.

even then my arrogance knew reverence
  when we would watch the wind
    somehow know how much we did not know
      and wonder how different we'd be once we did...

i was just somewhere,
  i swear!
i almost remember,
  and i think there i cared...

today gives way
  tomorrow fading into being
but what perspective does it give
  which will help me love to live?

from reveller
  to mere traveller,
    fearful of the future
    further along the same circle
    & the skein i spin within

inside & outside
  are copious quantities of chaos
    & i just a “lost” they toss

i try to feel, find or force focus
    personal   emotional
    intellectual   existential
    internal   external
  but then the things i see
   sting with the stain of negativity

pathetic pessimist i be
  underwhelmed by myself
my glass not simply half-empty
  but banished broken on the shelf

whiny little ******,
  or rather non-******,
my only sublime
  another tired rhyme

i find fine & fun with friends,
  but when they're gone it ends.
i'm all dependence upon their outside
  to influence my gone-bare inside

without their temporary infusion
  i return to my self-intrusion
    to kiss & curse the chaos
      and claim i carry a cross

the myriad meanderings of my melancholy madness
  lead me mostly inbetween depression & sadness.
so when alone is what's known,
  i nest in a node of numbness,
    request substances define my self's substance,
      provide my soul's sole sustenance

And in that distortion of view,
  i redefine true
    replace peace with painless
      and happiness with highness

but I was just somewhere,
  I swear!
and while I remember some grief,
  I still feel all of that belief...

pray in vain
  pay the pain.
let love scream
  tears tearing their stream

embrace incomplete
  never again complete
your only one
  pure no-one
    your once & future no-one

remember how to own alone
  return to the role you ruled
you knew it was exiled to unknown
  too bad the genius again was fooled

your words wander weak & watered-down
  wasted away & weighted-down
    waiting to weave the waves
      within which they will drown

it matters not what you imagine
  or how amazing the emotion,
every pulsing pearl of passion
  merely more powerful poison

she'll just kiss some other guy
  letting him swim within her eyes
caressing his face with those fingertips
  whispering to him with her voice's lips

cry in vain
  “why?!” to the pain
hear love scream its heart raw
  feel the fatal of your fate's flaws

and as alone regains its former glory
  know now it shall never again go away
accept that its plot has become your story
  as you die inside but cannot reach your last day