I notice the small things that he does for me
the ones he may think are insignificant
but those are the times that I feel loved the most
He gets me a coffee every morning on the weekends, he knows exactly how I like it
Every Monday is trash day and he takes it to the road before he leaves for work and brings the cans back to the garage before he comes in after
He notices my laugh and lovingly notes my little snorts when something is really funny and loves my big smile because he knows it is genuine
He will lay under the sheets on my side of the bed to warm it up for me before I get in
On my days where I am not feeling it, he doesn’t take me personally and let’s me have my space
If I am not feeling well he wants to bring me medicine at work
When we sit on the couch he will put his hand up under my shirt and lightly touch my back with his fingers or if I lay my legs over his lap he brushes my skin with his fingertips
He knows my anxiety’s and knows when I’m not feeling good and will help me to feel better
He never calls me by my name but instead calls me baby or honey
He will handle the raw meat because he knows it grosses me out that it gets under my nails
He points out little things that my son does that he knows I will enjoy and laughs at my little boys jokes and silliness
He is always ready with a packed dab for me
He grabs for my hand as we walk
As soon as I wake up he always greets me with a hello, or good morning or you’re so beautiful even when I don’t feel like I am
He knows my faces that I make and what each one means
He knows all the ways I like to be touched when we make love
He doesn’t ask to drive he just gets in the drivers seat because he knows I don’t want to
He texts me throughout the day sometimes to tell me he loves me or misses me and always lets me know when he makes it to work
I catch him looking at me randomly sometimes and then gives me that sweet little smile
He loves to watch the birds in our yard and gets just as excited as I do when we see our cardinal couple out back
He points out the flowers in the beds when they bloom
He looks happily at my legs when I wear shorts
He turns the seat warmer on in the car for me before I even get in
He knows me so well
He loves me so well
On any day that feels like life could be better
He makes every day good by just being in it xxxxx

when the alarm goes off I hit snooze two too many times
now I’ve overslept by twenty minutes
I look at myself in the mirror and run a brush through my hair and think
Well at least my hair is behaving today

to see the parts of me that are melancholy and depressed
as beautiful or bewildering
would be too much of a compliment to myself,
the words sing to my soul,
describe me so perfectly I rename myself with the formations of these letters until I become them,
I have spent my whole life as the color blue, melting into puddles every chance I get,
I’ll look down just in case
so you don’t see me,
my eyes give me away, by
reflecting the blue on the inside that drowns me in my feelings

sometimes being a woman just makes me feel angry
I often wonder, how many men have had to block someone’s number or profile,
or had to change their own number to be able to breathe easily anytime their phone goes off?  
I wonder if all the men who just mean well, meant they mean well when they get what they want

when I was angry, I was unstoppable
with fire in my veins I felt like I could move mountains if I just believed it hard enough
I was so capable
and so delicate
I was so scared
and so strong
when I was mad, I was motivated
with pain came beautiful triumphs
I was so ashamed
and so proud
I was so embarrassed
and so confident
when I am not angry anymore, I am incapable
without fire in my soul, I don’t believe I can get up out of bed
I am so happy
and so sad
I am so comfortable
and so confused

I wish I could delete everything I’ve ever posted on the internet,
make myself disappear,
untraceable, unavailable, please try again another time,
I want to hit return and erase every text I’ve ever sent,
being invisible is safe, anonymity is freedom,
I want to fall out of cyberspace and into a black hole of pre recorded memories,
of times before we were attached to cords for validation,
so many perceptions of who I am create Frankenstein versions of me insinuated in the minds of others,
am I who I think I am or who you think I am?
manipulating wires became plugged into our brains and we forgot what we looked like in the mirror,
I want to know what I really think of me,
not what I was groomed into seeing
from years of comparisons that will never be enough,
I want to log myself out from the internet and act like I just logged in,
to what life would’ve been without it

I don’t mean to
and I will probably never completely stop feeling this way,
but so much of me is.. angry
It comes out in all forms for me
my 28 year almost 29 year old self still feels like that defensive little girl I was when I was 8
the one who wished to be someone else, anywhere else where being happy lived
so much time has passed and I find myself making the same mistakes I was falling into when I first thought about dying
now I’m angry for the version of myself I never got to be because now it’s too late and I’ll never really know
if I would have been trustworthy and smart
if I would have thought of myself as beautiful and strong
if I would have felt like I was capable
Instead I’m stuck being an angry 8 year old who doesn't know how to control herself