I always thought of spring as a new beginning;
the start of something new or
the rebirthing of the fallen,
like flowers in bloom after the dead, cold winter

It's what you've always wanted—those cold
winter months are nothing but a buffer to you
and I, the unwitting victim, thought I could
ever be enough for you

But I'm no flower, I'm no spring
I'm not a beginning or a rebirth—
I am death, I am winter
I am the end and the endless void

I'm the buffer you only ever wanted to cling to
until the cold subsides, until you can
come back to your old life—
in my wake, there won't be a drop of tear

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner in your own skin?
How every night the heaviness in your shoulders get worse
and you have to wonder if it's because you've always had to carry your own world
or if it's because of the weight of your demons

Have you ever felt your self trying to burst out from under your skin?
How your heart tries to claw its way out of your chest
like it's been drowning for years in your own blood
How your chest feels like it's going to explode
How you have to stop yourself every night from trying to let it go free

I may live in this body but it's no longer my home
these shaky hands and lonely bones—
I don't want anything to do with them
Do you know how it feels?
How every night I think about running away from my own skin?

How, no matter how hard I run,
I know that this is the only reality I'll ever have

let's run away and never look back
this place isn't for us
it hurts me—
all these missed connections,
this guarded vulnerability

i never want to come back here
never again—
these memories i buried
keep coming back to haunt me
it hurts so much i can feel it in my bones

i don't want to listen to the wind
as it whispers all its secrets
i don't want to look at this familiar town
as it drips pain like honey
not anymore—

i want nothing to do with these
blood-soaked histories
let's run away—
leave everything behind
in this ****** town where everything hurts

you were the blue ocean
and i was the yellow sun

i didn't know what a sunset looked like—
to me, it looked nothing more
than my descension into ruin
it was nothing more than my inevitable undoing

but as i sank down,
you enveloped me into your warmth
i found myself less afraid, i saw it
as a different kind of undoing; a serene death

as i lose all life, you promised
to hold me safe through the night
until i can rise again at dawn,
until i inevitably come back to you

everyone looks on, in awe of
the sunset, my aftermath,
seeing beauty in my death, as i
come home into your warmth

When you go inside a room that has been empty for a while, you can see the little clouds of dust float and shine as the light touches them. And for a long time you'll watch it drizzle down like an ethereal rain.

Maybe you'll stop moving, or cover your mouth, or maybe you'll stare at it too long it begins to look like stars in the night sky. And you'll wait for it to settle again just so it can come undone in your hands. Jumping around to unsettle it, but it'll never really be the same as the first time you saw it.

That's how you felt to me. I was the unsettled clouds of dust. And you looked at me like you couldn't believe your eyes. But that ethereal light is temporary, and once it washes away and I move away from the light, you'll begin to see me for what I am—nothing but unimportant little clouds of unsettled dust.

You're going to jump around to see me suspended in mid-air, to see me shrouded by light like an ethereal being, to look at me like I'm a starry night sky. But what happens once everything settles down and I'm where I used to be?

You can't jump around forever and I can't stay afloat forever.

I'm so tired
it's better to pretend
that your words don't cut me
even as I bleed out before you

I hear you loud and clear; your words
like writhing snakes in my ears
and I still choose to pretend—
pretending is a way of life for me,
an escape, a coping method,
or the only way I can live

I dare you to shout at me
once more or one hundred times more
I stopped listening a long time ago
or I pretend to, as I choke back the tears
I won't cry for you
you don't deserve it

So I keep pretending
it's the only way I can live

Quiet and unassuming,
silently celebrating her victories
Soft and warm,
always loving, always unconditional
Tough and dependable,
and always giving her all

I could list a thousand things about her
but she'll probably never believe them
She's going to laugh it off,
but keep on loving and caring just the same

She doesn't think much of herself
and always puts everyone's needs before her own
She loves and loves
and never asks for love back
Always taken for granted
yet never stops and never tires

And maybe I can no longer tell her
everything that I should:
that I love her
that I always will
that I'm sorry
or that I'm grateful—
And maybe I should learn to say these more often

But I know that she's going to keep loving,
all unconditional and warm and soft—
and I hope that someday
I'll finally be able to show her that I love her as much as she does


— JM Ang