Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.

I wonder how you feel getting your hands tangled in her long blonde hair as opposed to my raven black hair and if there was a difference between you telling her she was yours when you were drunk, as opposed to you taking me to have dinner with your family when you were sober. and I wonder if I sit outside your bedroom window and burn through enough cigarettes while you’re in there with her, it’ll burn your memory out of my mind. Maybe the cigarettes would **** me before you could.

Sometimes you meet a once
in a life time person,
and your paths will only
cross once,
like an eclipse.
But it will be the most
beautiful moment of your
life.
And the whole world will stop
and look in awe,
like the moon crossing
over the sun for just a quick moment.

It was 1 a.m.
I was at a bar,
you were probably
at your house,
drunk,
having people come over.
I texted you
and the first thing you
said to me was "come over"
but you and I
both know that wasn't
going to happen anymore.
I had to tell you I didn't
hate you.
Because the last time
I talked to you the words
poured out of my
mouth like lava
and I was sure you
would never talk to
me again.
But sure enough,
without even hesitating
the second my name popped
up on your screen
you told me to come see you.
And that's what drove
me crazy.
Despite everything
you still always wanted
to see me.
And that's what made me wonder,
despite us being so against
being together,
we can never leave each other
alone.
I could only think
you wanted me
as much as i want you,
but we both know
we will never
admit it.
Maybe two people
are meant to meet,
but can never be together.

i remember all the times
i made you say goodbye
to me a little longer
just in case i never
got to say goodbye again.
i didn't know the last time
we said goodbye,
was going to be the last
time i would ever see you.
i didn't know this until you
ended our relationship
over the phone the next day.
i've just about come to terms
with it all now that it's
been months.
but i still wonder if all the
extra minutes i made you
stay and hold me
until you left
accounted for the time
i never actually got to
say goodbye to you.

there's a strength
in watching all the
other girls around you
fall for you,
even though i've seen
the way your mother talks
to you at your dinner table
in your childhood home.
i've watched tears stream down
your face because you couldn't
understand why you were so
different from anyone else.
i've listened to what hurts you.
you sat on a bench with me, drunk,
and told me you were scared of love.
i've seen the deepest parts of you.
and the night you came outside, drunk,
you said, "i care about you.
i really care about you. please
never hurt yourself, please."
and i said the same thing back.
you walked back inside to all
the girls drooling over you and left
me in the cold, but i knew where i stood
with you, i just hope at the end of the
day you know who will always
be there for you.

did you think you could just take
the most vulnerable parts of me
and then leave without saying a word,
like i wouldn't rage a storm on you?
like it hasn't happened to me before?
did you think you would be so special
that i would let you ruin me?
because you got the one girl that your teammates couldn't stop talking about.
because you used her.
because she told you about the things
that made her bones ache?
and then you left,
without saying one word.
did it make you feel good?
and now you can't even pick up
the phone and answer when she asks
why.
because you are that weak.
honey, let's be real here:
you could never handle this storm
and we both knew that.

For so long I have been so strong.
I can feel my armour starting to
deteriorate.
I miss you and yes, it does hurt.
These late nights have been getting so long.
I've waiting for the wrong people
to answer my texts
wishing it was you.
The thought of you being gone
forever has finally started setting in
and there is a fire in my lungs
because of it.
It's almost like I was sure you were
going to come back,
and you never did.

Tell me about the person who broke your heart.
Tell me about the color of their eyes.
How their hair felt in between your fingers.
Tell me about the rhythm of their heart.
Tell me about the last words they said to you and how they took every last breath out of you.
Tell me about all the places you used to go to with them, and how when you went for the first time without them all you saw was ghosts.
Tell me about the ache in your bones when you see them in your dreams and how it lasts years
months
days.

The worst thing I ever did to myself
was let a man control me.
I let him decide my worth
I always waited for his permission
I lived in fear everyday.
I let him threaten to leave me
I let him threaten to hit me
I let him take my life
as if it was his.
Nothing but a puppet on strings.
To this day I still feel fear when I
know I shouldn't.
He made everything feel wrong.
He made me feel like a prisoner.
I'm still trying to get used to being
my own person.
When I do things he didn't like
I have to remind myself that it's
okay. That he can't threaten me
anymore.
Like I think he's going to show up
and tell me how
stupid
i am.
tell me how
worthless
i am.
Tell me I'm nothing
but a burden to my parents
and everyone around me.
He would tell me all my friends hated me
He ruined me.
But ******* am I trying.

I am not sure I would always call things a coincidence but maybe more of a miracle.
Like the way flowers tend to bloom in the concrete cracks of sidewalks, or even in the darkest parts of my mind.
Miracles, I do believe that.

Your heart must pump honey throughout your body

You are sweet

You stick to everyone you meet.

It shines throughout the golden locks

That fall gently from your head

Passed the nape of your neck.

You are everything bright

And everything beautiful.

As if the sun came down

To gently touch you at birth.

You are the light in everyone’s life.

you used to be my blue sky
on cloudy days.
now when i think of you
all i can imagine
is thunderstorms.
i dont understand
where we went so
******* wrong.
change is inevitable.
our ending was inevitable.
i know one day
i'll forget you
and you'll forget me.
i pray to god that you find
your blue sky,
just as i wish to
find mine.
and i'm sorry that
it couldn't be you.

He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.

The last night i spent with you
I think we stood in the shower
for over an hour.
Now that you're gone
I stand in the shower and try
to trace your fingertips
on my skin for hours.
And my chest feels like
it's going to cave in
when I think about how
I don't know what length
your hair is anymore.
I start to wonder if i will ever
forget your birthday
just like I'm slowly forgetting
the color of your eyes
and the sound of your voice.

I think the silent write.
I can't get out a sentence without stuttering
or sounding like a complete idiot.
I can go over a sentence 12 times in my head
but when it comes to saying it,
I am not capable.
but I can put a pen to a piece of paper
and write you a story.
I write because I cannot speak.

And you see, thats the thing about me,
i don't know what i want.
one minute i want to live in this
beautiful city, and the next i want
to burn it to the ground.
I'm like a walking paradox
i want to quit but i also
want so badly to never stop trying.
and i'm never sure about anything
but i'm 100% sure about you.

I used to spend my Friday nights in a movie theater with you.
I used to spend my Saturdays in a park with you
or on the couch with you.
Since you have been gone I've been spending my Fridays drunk
at a house party until 3am.
I wake up in another's house on Saturday morning.
I often ask myself if I miss the taste of movie theater popcorn
or the crisp leaves on the ground on a Saturday morning with you.
Then I have to remind myself that the popcorn started to taste like regret
and the leaves on the ground were only just dead.
And I can't possibly miss you.

It feels like
there is a volcano
rupturing inside of me.
I can feel it in my chest
I feel it throughout
my veins
and if you ever see this,
look at it as if
it is a message
in a bottle at
the bottom of the sea
that reads
"come find me."

And i knew
i was completely ruined
when the sight of your
eyes started to make me
weak at the knees.
i started to memorize
each curl at the
nape of your neck.
i promised myself
i wouldn't let this happen,
but we all know i'm weak for
the things that don't need me.

I let you dig your poisonous
claws into me one more time
before I walked away.
This time when you said sorry,
I said it wasn't okay.
We are not okay.
Whatever this is, it's not okay.
I couldn't understand why you
took the one person who cared about
you and tossed them around
like they would always come back.
And maybe it's because I did always
come back.
Not this time.
You have hurt me for the last time.

I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.

I wanted to call in sick to work today
and tell them that i just couldn't do it.
and its not the sickness your mom can make you soup for
or the doctor tells you to rest and drink liquids.
It's the kind of sickness that makes you feel like
if you take one step out of bed the ground is going
to crumble beneath your feet.
It's the sickness that caused you not to eat for days
or weeks.
It's the sickness that makes everything in the world
feel like absolutely nothing.
The doctor can't fix you
Your mother cant fix you
No one can fix you.
Only you can do it.

I walked into a bookstore today
looking like a ghost finally
getting out of the shell it was stuck in.
hair a mess.
lips ****** from continuously biting.
eyes red and watery.
I knew people were looking and I knew they didn't understand.
"why does this girl look like she just got back from a war"
"was she just at a funeral or something"
yes.
yes.
I wanted to tell them I will always love him
but I will resent him forever.
The funeral of our broken memories
broken promises
broken hearts
was a few days ago
and I wanted to tell them that I wished I missed it just like they did.
I should've never gone.
Every where that brought strong vivid memories would forever be a graveyard.
My own ******* bed,
a graveyard.
he used to sleep here I would say.
But he left long ago and leaving absolutely no trace.
no trace of life
no trace of the beautiful love we had.
It takes a horrible person to make something
so beautiful and turn it into bitter dust.
He turned it into a graveyard.
and signed his headstone
"I'm sorry you weren't good enough"

He will leave you
when he's finished with you.
After he's done raging war
on your life.
He will be fine.
He will not know that
you sit in the shower
scrubbing all the places he touched
you
trying to wipe away his finger prints.
Until your skin can't take it anymore.
He will not know that every bruise
he left you
with every hit
every name that was called
is still healing
on the inside and out.
He will not know that you are picking
up all the pieces he left
and trying to put that back together.
He never cared for you.
He never will.

tell me about your favorite day in the whole
world.
tell me about your favorite soul in the whole
world.
tell me about the day your world fell, crushed, at your feet and how you made it through even when you were positive you were going to die.
tell me about your favorite thing on spring mornings.
tell me about how the crisp wind and autumn leaves make you feel after a hot summer.
tell me about your mom and dad.
did they show you kindness to no extent or did they shatter your dreams?
did it make you who you are today?
I don't just wanna know your name, I wanna know you.

Lately I've been searching for a new home.
Ever since you left nothing feels right.
My childhood home is like a graveyard.
My favorite coffee shop is filled with ghosts.
The passenger side seat of my car
has your fingerprints all over it.
I've been searching for new things
to make me feel whole again,
since everything I used to love has
the remnants of you all over them.
For now I sit on a street corner,
homeless.
Holding a sign that reads,
"searching for something to ignite
the fire in my chest again after my home
with two arms, two legs, and a beating heart
got up and left."

There's something about
the thin line
between dreams
and whats real that
drives us all crazy.
I swear to god
you were there
touching me
holding me.
Until i woke up.
and its been days
since i last saw you.
Your dreams
will **** you
faster than any disease.
The faint touch you
still feel on your
skin
when you wake up
in the morning
will **** you
faster than any
sickness.

You don't understand it.
you won't understand it until they tell
you they'll save you and then never
show up.
until you feel the glass shattering inside you.
trying to tear down walls that won't budge.
people start thinking you're better and
you smile and nod because you
even start to believe the lie.
You become your own scary movie.
and they don't understand because
you're fine.
you always were.
they don't know you're made of broken glass
and that's fine because
they wouldn't understand.

I don't remember the last time
I heard your voice
or the last time you spoke so
nice and softly to me
like you used to.
I listen to old voicemails
just to hear that voice again.
I don't know what form of torture you
would call that,
but it's like putting a drop
of water in the desert
making it long for more
but we all know water doesn't
belong in the desert.
you don't belong here
with me anymore.

When is it ever okay
for something to be so wrong
but feel so right?
Have you ever stopped
to ask yourself if it was just you
if you were just crazy
But what if its just that gut feeling
or what if its the illness
the doctor diagnosed you
with when you were
fifteen.
Do you embrace it...
or let it go?

You disappoint me
time after time again.
It doesn't bother me anymore.
I'm used to it.
Or maybe i wish i was used to it.
Maybe i should stop wishing
that you could be the person
I want.
Maybe one day you'll realize
the damage you have done.
But i don't think you ever will.
Cause time and time again
you never say sorry
when i tell people who you are
i say no he is not like that
he doesn't care what i feel
he doesn't care what hurts me.
He is nothing more than a child
stuck in a mans body.
Doesn't understand the effects of his words
and the earthquakes that he starts.
I am nothing more than a tiny
little house to you,
and you are the volcano
that sits right across from me.

I didn't miss you right away.
After you left i was sad, yes,
but i knew i didn't miss you.
I was thinking positively about the future
and after how bad you ruined me
i thought there was no way i could miss you.
I was wrong.
About two weeks after you left
you never called
you never texted.
I think i expected one of them
and i clung to that,
so thats why i didn't miss you.
But now that i haven't heard from you
i know its real.
You're gone.
And **** do i miss you.
I miss your smell
I miss the way you would rub
my neck when
we were in the car.
And i hope you found someone
to reassure you about your insecurities,
because i know your OCD would always
get to you.
And when you left i asked you
who was going to tell you
your glasses weren't crooked after
you asked for the millionth time.
I told you that you wouldn't have anyone to
hold at 3am to keep you warm.
It's been 12 days since the last time you
held me.
I feel really lost right now because i miss you,
but i know time heals all wounds.
Hopefully one day when I'm driving
through a pretty town
while the sun goes down
i won't think of you.

every time i closed my eyes i saw myself running.
running through the trees, down the street, chasing.
who knows what i'm chasing.
Running down a dirt road laughing
as the lightening bugs light up the forest around me
its like breathing for the very first time.
its freeing.
i'm free.
i'm back home where i'm suppose to be.
but the midwest isn't home to much.
cornfields, forests, and dirt roads.
home is where the heart is
and my home is whenever i close my eyes
and i'm running and happy
i'm where i used to be.

The first time they call you names,
Leave.
The first time they make you feel worthless,
Leave.
The first time they hit you,
Leave.
The first time they leave you,
Don't go back.
The first time they take your life away,
Leave.
The first time you feel like you would be
better off on your own, than with the
person you love,
Leave.

I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

how many times do you sit alone in your room whispering to yourself
"he doesn't love me"
over and over again
and when are you going to give up
and realize you've
been right all along.

Dark hair.
Dark hair was what
I was always after.
That was until you swept
into the room with
blonde curls
falling down your
forehead.
And I can spot that
red Mustang from miles
and miles away.
I started to paint
my nails red.
My lips red.
Even though I was never
that fond of the color red.
You painted my life
a different color
when you entered it
and im afraid that i will
never be able to get rid of it.

you woke up one day and ripped my
heart out of my chest
and I'm happy that I picked it up
and grabbed it back from you before you left.
I think you thought I spent my time searching for my other half
but what you didn't know was that
I was never half.

I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.