you see,
that’s the problem
with being the strong one
who always offers others
a hand
everyone thinks that you
don’t need a hand and
they think you have lots
of surplus energy and no
worries

*(s.m)

I trusted you
I told you everything
everything on my mind
and in my heart
everything
I needed your help
but you broke it
you broke my trust
you weren't who I thought you were
completely different
I'm disappointed
and hurt
you hurt my feelings
more than you can ever imagine
I'm broken
you broke me
and now I can't talk to anyone anymore
I'm terrified
because of you
You broke me
I now find it hard
to trust
not only myself
but everyone else around me
You broke my trust

(s.m)

people usually ask me
if I’m headed home
i always answer them yes
but i keep thinking no
cause my home is not here
it’s 5000 miles away
and no one understands
that i don’t feel at home here
i’m homesick

*(s.m)

I’m tired of faking smiles
even more tired of you believing them
believing they are true
how can you not see underneath
you were taught to see it
and still you can’t
I’m disappointed
I need you to see me
to see and help me
please
open your eyes
look into mine
look beneath
beneath my fake glimpse
I’m not smiling anymore
Am I?

*(s.m)

I need you

I’m fighting my tears
all day
every day
What have I done
please tell me
what have I done
to deserve all this pain
I need answers
why am I fighting
please tell me

*(s.m)

I’m sick and tired of being that friend
the one everyone turns to and the one
who has to sort out everyones problems
i’m sick of being everyones punching bag
but i’m that friend who will always be there
and help you through your problems
even when I’m feeling like **** myself
can I for once be the one to be asked
if I’m okay?

*(s.m)

I can’t cry anymore
so instead
I just sit there
staring blankly at the wall
and feeling my heart
breaking into a million pieces
and no words are coming out
speechless and heartbroken

*(s.m)

Everything has turned upside down
they've changed
all of them
only god knows
what have happened
it's confusing
and frustrating
stressing me out
I don't know anything
they aren't talking anymore
I'm left
all by myself
like the third wheel
they've been using me
pretending all along
it hurts
it hurts so ******* bad
I'm starting to wonder
wonder what I've done
what I've said
but nothing comes to mind
please tell me
what have I done?

i can’t tell them
they won’t understand
i don’t even understand myself

*(s.m)

i can’t cry anymore
it’s like there’s no more fluid in my body
i miss it though
feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks
and showing people how i really feel
but now they don’t have a clue
cause i can’t show them

*(s.m)

i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the blue color
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

Yesterday, I felt like I mattered to someone
she remembered my name and my face
how I used to look and where I’ve been
she asked me about some things that
i barely remember, but she did
she’s unbelievably amazing
she saved my life back then
and she doesn’t even know
i had a perfect night
she saved me
once again
yesterday

*(s.m)

when i go to sleep
i lay awake for at least
an hour or three
thoughts, memories and worries
filling my mind
but my mind is empty
i can’t hear anything
but yet everything
i feel numb
but yet i feel everything
every move, feeling and sense
nothing can make it stop
so i just lay awake
waiting
for it to pass
so my mind can get some rest

*(s.m)

Lets forget about tomorrow
lets forget about all our troubles
and all our worries
come on
help me
and I'll help you
I'll be right here with you
lets do it
just for a little while
I have faith in you
you can do it
just close your eyes
breathe in
you can do it
lets forget about tomorrow
lets forget about all our troubles
and all our worries

*(s.m)

I’m trying my hardest
just don’t seem to succeed
I’m tired
but I can’t sleep
I’m stuck in reverse
with tears streaming down
down my face
there's no lights to guide me
to guide me home
someone come and fix me
fix me now

i'm just done
done with it all

i've cried and fought
so hard for years now
but now everything is falling apart
i feel it all crashing down beneath my feet

something is eating me up from inside
and i don’t have the strength anymore
to keep fighting back

i'm done

*(s.m)

the worst part of having a bad day
is not being able to cry it out
the day has been complete ****
all you want is to scream and yell
but you don’t feel anything
you are numb
you can’t smile cause it takes too much energy
but you can’t cry either cause you don’t feel anything
you’re just paralyzed
your heart is aching
and you can’t breathe
can I please just to cry it out the next time?

*(s.m)

I hate it how
whenever you need me
I’m there
always
I won’t ever let you down
But every time
that I’m in need
in need of talking to you
it’s like I don’t exist
not before your problems occur
again I’m there
my world is crashing down
you still don’t see me
you still don’t hear me
you’re simply not there
but I always am

*(s.m)

sometimes it all just gets to much
i get so sad and upset that i can’t breathe
so how on earth do you expect me to talk
and tell you about all the demons inside me
when they are sitting on my lungs?

*(s.m)

Thank you*
For reaching out to me when I needed it the most
For making me feel safe when talking to you
For being there when no one else was

Thank you
For believing in me when I don't myself
For allowing me to cry or just stare into the wall
For letting me sit in silence without having to say a word

Thank you
For listening to me for hours to end
For giving me the space and peace I've needed
For being the reason I got up and fought a little more

Thank you
For being more understanding than anyone ever before
For opening up your home to me even though you didn't have to
For holding my hand and assuring me that everything will be okay

Thank you
For all your support
For not giving up on me
For being with me through some of my worst times

Thank you for your warmth and all your hugs
I honestly wouldn't have made it this far without you
I'm truly grateful and forever will be
Thank you for saving me and for everything you've done

From the bottom of my heart, thank you

*(s.m)

"Chin up"
"Think positive"
"You'll get through this"
"Everything will be okay"
But what if I don't get through all this?
What if everything won't be okay?
"I'm here anytime"
But the truth is,
You are not here
So why bother telling me that?
Why bother lying to me and hurting me?

(s.m)

some days i feel nothing and others, everything
last night i felt everything, felt it all at once
my mind was filled with negative thoughts
so many thoughts and feelings at once
i didn't stand a chance against myself
my entire body felt sore and my head was pounding
i cried uncontrollably and stared blankly at the ceiling
i couldn't breathe -- everything is a mess
so sick of never feeling good enough for a slight second
yesterday was horrible but though i barely slept
i managed to drag myself out of bed this morning
covered up my pinching eyes and took off
just like any other morning

*(s.m)

I feel stupid
I can’t remember anything
crying in class is starting to get normal
people leaving
doesn’t wanna work with me
telling me to step up
and get over it
just move on
they don’t understand
any of them
fighting everyday
no one knows
but if only they did

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
*No one asked...

i’m just so tired...
i wish the world would just be
quiet
nothing but silent
no screaming - yelling - noices
or voices
i wish the world
and the voices in my head
would just shut up and be quiet
give me some rest for once
is that really too much to ask for?

*(s.m)

she is so lonely
sitting over there
in the corner by
herself
her so called friends
are more worried about
themselves  
than about their friend
who’s hurting herself
and hiding from them
she’s dropping hints
but no one picks up
they simply don’t care
she’s been hurting for so long
that she’s numb inside
she doesn’t feel pain anymore
she’s used to it and used to
being ignored and left out
the only time that she feels
anything is when her eyes
lets out floods of tears

*(s.m)

today
i feel weak and small
today
small problems become big
my brain is so full
i can hardly speak
today*
i’m batteling my mind
fighting the pain
trying to survive
with teary eyes
and an aching heart

*(s.m)

i need you here
hold my hand
hold me tight
wipe away my
tears and hug me
listen to my
random thoughts
don’t say a word
hold me cause
i’m falling
tell me everything
will be okay
and that every fight
will be worth it
stay

She saved my life
and I have no clue how to thank her properly
I don't think she really knows
or how much she means to me
nor how much she's done for me
and when I try to explain it
I sound foolish and can't get my words to sound right

*(s.m)

my troubled thoughts
keeping me restless
everyday i’m wondering
if my mind will ever find peace

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see is the smile on my lips
But how long will it take you before
you will look deep into my eyes
and realize that you didn’t check good enough
Have you seen my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

Everyone who has told me they
would always be there for me
have left
I’m done opening up to people
done trusting
I just end up hurting myself in the long run
But for some reason
I’m still hoping and waiting and praying
for someone who will care
honestly and genuinely care for me
someone who will always be there for me
and to hold me tight
wipe away my tears
and someone to promise me that everything will be okay
cause right now I don’t believe it when saying it myself

*(s.m)

You* saw the storm in my eyes
You heard the silence in my voice
You noticed the heaviness in my heart

It felt like everything was gonna be okay
once I opened up and started talking to you

(s.m)

my father broke my heart
before any guy ever had a chance
it’s hard to trust someone
and to let people in
not because you are scared
that they will break your heart
because part of you know they will
i mean, that’s what you’ve grown up with, right?
but also because you don’t wanna
risk that chance of hurting yourself
you’ve learned to protect yourself
by distancing people from you
it’s the easy way out, but also
the safest for yourself

*(s.m)

i'm at this point where
i need something bad to happen
so that i can talk to someone
because there is no
apparent reason for me
to feel the way i do right now
so i can't talk to anyone about it
i can't tell how devastated i am
or how much i'm hurting
it feels like something is eating me up from the inside
and it hurts more than ever
but nothing happened
so i'm just gonna sit here
in the dark biting my tongue
hoping that someone will come
hold my hand and tell me that it is okay

*(s.m)

Where is everybody?
They keep telling me they are here
here for me
but they never are
lies and broken promises
I’m starting to doubt
is anyone out there?
truthful and actually here?

*(s.m)

I can’t talk to you about this cause if I did
I would tell you that my heart is aching
and hurting so bad I just wanna rip it out
out of my chest with my own bare hands
I would tell you that I’m so depressed
that I sometimes wonder why I keep
fighting this battle with myself and I wonder
if it’ll ever stop hurting the way it does now
If we talked about this I would fall apart
and I don’t have time to fall apart cause
I’m busy holding myself together with tape and glue

*(s.m)

i’ve taught myself not to cry
not to fall apart in public
to fake a spark in my eyes
to make everyone believe
I’m okay
i ask everyone around me
if they are okay and if they
need help
but no one notices that the one
who needs help and to be asked
is me

*(s.m)

no one will ever take you serious
unless you cry your heart out
no one has ever taken me serious
i’ve taught myself not to cry
so i just sit there and feel my heart
and it’s breaking into a million pieces

*(s.m)

she asked me if i had any
i hesitated and looked down
she came over and sat next to me
held my hands and looked deeply
into my eyes almost tearing up
she pulled up my long sleeved shirt
gasped silent and tried not to show
how shocked and worried she was
she caressed them calmly
hugged me as tightly as she could
wiped away my tears
told me everything will be okay
without her, i wouldn’t be here

*(s.m)

when i wake up in the morning
i feel the ache in my chest
i know i must get out of bed
but instead i just sit on the edge
of my bed starring out into nothing
hearing my brain scream
that i need to get up and get ready
i also hear my dad yelling that i need
to get up if i don’t wanna be late
part of me really doesn’t care
but the other part is taking over
and somehow i get up and
drag myself to the shower
i also drag myself out in the car
waiting for the very last minut
before i leave the driveway
i go all day trying to act like
i’m doing okay and i’ve actually
slept through the night
which i haven’t done in quite a while
when i go to bed in the evening
i feel the ache in my whole body
i scream silently and i shed
lonely silent tears as i fall asleep

*(s.m)

i told her i was fine but she looked into my eyes,
held my hand
and said “i know you are not”
she made me feel special
she made me feel like i matter to some people
she made me trust her
she let me into her heart
she held me tight,
listened,
wiped away my tears
but most importantly,
she cared
and she gave me
everything
she is right there every second of the day
and she never left even after all this
i’m surprised and thankful that she puts up with me
my broken soul
and my mind filled with darkness
i don’t know how to ever pay her back
i’ve never trusted anyone as much as i trust her before
she saved my life  

*(s.m)

one girl asks me what happened and if i’m okay
but what she doesn't know is that i heard them
i heard them whisper about me and pointing fingers
they are curious and need something new to gossip about
so i tell her everything is fine and nothing happened
she looks at me and tells me everything isn’t fine
i look at the other girls who is standing in the corner
whispering and laughing, trying to hear what i'm saying
and I scream on the top of my lungs
no everything is not fine, but you don’t care one bit
you just need something to gossip about and something
that you can start rumors about and make me look bad
so I just go with “I’m fine" because none of you give a ****

*(s.m)

I’m scared to look into your eyes
I told you all along that I’m fine
with a big fat smile on my face
but now you’re asking me to look
into your eyes and tell you the truth
But I can’t cause you’ll see all the pain
that I’ve been trying to hide with my
big fat smile
And you’ll see the blur in my eyes
I’m scared because you won’t ever
be able to understand all the pain
that I’ve gone through in my life
so I will end up getting hurt and
even more scared to look into
someone else’s eyes
so I just go with a big fat smile
and *I’m fine

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the deep blue
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

you’re the only one I can talk to
the only one who actually understands
but every time I try,
you give up on me
you’re causing more damage than good
but i don’t wanna admit it
i need you
just you
so please,
try
for me
try
stay here
help me

*(s.m)

I wanna leave
just for a little while
see who and how many actually cares
cares enough
see when they're gonna realize that I left
how they'll react
will they react?
I doubt it all
I wanna see from upon
and then come back after a little while

*(s.m)