Often the words “I’m fine” slip from my mouth. I can no longer tell if I actually feel this way or if it is just a sense of numbness in my body and I don’t want those around me worrying about me. My problems have never mattered much to anyone. I’ve always felt alone in the way I am feeling and I know it sounds cliche but the way people respond when I tell them this is even more so. They tell me “You’re not the only one feeling this way”, “Don’t complain someone else has it worse” or my favorite of all “I am here for you”. Very seldom are people actually there for me. They may say they are, they might actually surprise me and make the effort once and be there for me but never is it a continuous feeling of someone being there for me. My life has been complete trash for the past year. My mental health is getting worse and worse and my depression is spreading to all corners of my body. It’s like I’ve been diagnosed with a cancer you can’t see, Except for mine is not physical it is mental. I hurt constantly. I smile and I believe I am happy but after a while the smile fades and like a rush of wind my thoughts come back to me. I think of everything I did that day and all of the embarrassing things I did. Wishing, Hoping, praying I could take those things away but what’s done is done. I can’t take away all of the embarrassing and gut wrenching things I did that day. The way I think and the way I act is probably the reason why I don’t have any real friends around me anymore. The only friend I ever wanted to be around moved and now I am alone. I hate the new people I hang around. I like my friends from work but I they’re always busy and I know one day I will never see them either. I will barely be a blip in the minds of the people I know now in the future and some people might find that terrifying but I find peace in it. I don’t have to be here and people would be okay. I am not needed, I make no difference in people's lives and I am content with that. I could say “***** off” to the entire earth and no one would even be affected by it. And I find complete and total peace in that. Even if feeling lonely rips my body to pieces, at least I am finally numb to it.