I danced with false golden gods in vacant places. I was intoxicated, yet alive with pain.

Chasing a drug. Chasing a love.
I kissed muddy souls who supposed me worthless. Confirming my self hatred. Authorising the doubt she taught me.  

They took my body and filled it with emptiness. Disappointment overwhelmed at first, leaving my hollow second hand body each time.

I danced emotionless and alone in a hopeless place. The noise deafening my starving soul.
I was nine years and numb to it all. I died before him.

It gets better, it just does.

You meet him and he teaches you to heal.
He teaches you that, regardless of what she has done, you are beautifully kind.

He rubbishes the critic she put in there.
He shows you the worth you did not see.
He demonstrates that we are in control of our own behaviour, and you are not accountable for hers.

He shows you what you can achieve and let’s you soar. And he does it with truthful pride. He shows you that you deserve more for yourself.

He loves you with all his heart and doesn’t let her smother your light. He teaches you how to stand up for yourself.

You are no damsel and he is no hero. He will show you how resilient you really are, you just can’t see for the trees.

So keep dancing. He won’t be long.

For once you fall in love with him, you fall in love with yourself.

As I attempt to heal these colours
The toxic smoke smothers my cells.
I am breathless.

As I carve independence from old bark
The poisoned maternal started the fire.
Cigarettes and bitterness.
How manipulative.  
But please, extinguish.

I now leave this life in another.
No longer a burning soul.
I am deserving.

I was never awake.
Not until now.
You carried me here.
Switched on.
Alive.

You gave me shape.
You forced my trust.
You listened to my voice.
You heard my silence.

My growth is your smile.
Replenishing my veins with joy.
You opened my heart.
My aura high with your blood.

Rooted. These bones are blessed by you.

The most beautiful moment.

Tears.
Like oceans overflowing barricades.
The flood.
I Drown for your breath.

I blow your face,
perfectly still.
Serene, tragic.
Tiny, fulfilling.
Why did this happen?

The tears keep coming.
Even now,
hidden in a painful box, my mind, pandora guards.

I remember the first embrace.
I arrived, late.
You were thrown to me
before I could catch my breath.
before I could compose.
before I could gather. be strong.

Floods came. They still do.
Here you were.
Yet were not.
Why.

I blow.
It doesn’t come.
I prayed and I blew and still you were.
Surrounded.
Tragedy.
Beauty.
Nightmares.
Here you were.

We are lucky I suppose.
We treasure those days, in the depths of our chambers, they are ours.
Precious.
Untouched by the demons.
No one can tarnish.

I took you and bathed you
as the tears engulfed my soul
slowly and quickly
drowning a piece of me.
Of our family.  

Pain touching
my every capillary.
Still I blew.

You broke me.
You connected me.
You taught me.

Real love.
Real meaning.
Still.

I beg for it to stop.
For a break in the chain
I am weary with empathy
But now I am free.
Benevolent.

I roam alone, until it begins again
I pace secluded, amongst my barren thoughts
I wander tender empty walls
I feel nothing.

I yearn for it all to become too much
She pulls me away from the light
Into the darkness, I beg for compassion.
I cut my ties, and dissolve these cords
And she weighs me down, malevolent.

I connect.