I dance.

My toes dig into the soft mud
My dress is drenched from the rain

I dance.
My arms are outstretched
Cutting through the air as I spin

I dance.
I smile at the moon
My heart is full
I'm in love with this moment

I dance.

What's harder
between logic and love?
What's easier
between feeling and reason?

Maybe love is just an equation
with different variables and inconsistent values
Maybe pain could be avoided
if we just add up the right values
and divide the exact problems.
Maybe love could be found
if we subtract mistakes made
and multiply lessons learned.

What if love was math?

You're like a tattoo
On a secret part of my skin
A tattoo that I got in my youth
A tattoo that I don't quite regret
A tattoo that I cover up

But in the bathroom,
All alone,
I run my hands over you
Feel the texture on my skin,
And I smile

You're like a tattoo
*On a very secret spot

I don't want to be here.
Yet I am

No chains on my wrists
No shackles on my ankles
Yet I am here
Where I don't want to be

There's no gun to my head
No knife to my throat
Nobody watching me,
Holding me captive

So why am I here?
**When I don't want to be?

I was broken.

Shattered remains of what I used to be.
Random misaligned pieces, sprawled all over the floor, crushed more by whomever would walk over them.

And then you came.
And you saw.
Each piece you knew was a part of something greater.
"Something beautiful," you said.

You helped me pick up the pieces, ignoring the cuts on your hands.
You kept me safe, so noone else would hurt me.
You found a broken girl, but you saw *Kintsugi.

There was a time,
long ago,
whence a girl lived.
She had a smile like roses,
eyes like music,
and a heart like the sun.

She lived in a place,
long ago,
where roses were burned for incense
where music was named noise
where the sun was always too bright, or too hot

Always too much

But then came a man,
not long ago,
with eyes like sunlight,
ears bearing sight,
and a heart like the universe.

He saw her smile, and it grew twice its size
He heard her soul and saw her life
And in his universe does she rest, the perfect light
*Happily Ever After

Sometimes I'm jealous of the poor
The financially poor
The ones that live in houses so close they're all like roommates
No, it isn't hypocrisy
This is the saying
They were born in the wild,
Learned to adapt early.
They fight for their share
And they're fair, about their share
Because we're all just trying to make it

Sometimes I'm jealous of the rich
The truly rich
The ones whose brothers don't have to share a name
The ones whose women they protect as their own
As their sisters, as their mothers
This is family
This is community
They respect from the old to the young
And protect those of their kind
But they give everyone a fair shot,
Because we're all just trying to make
**it

I...

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you so much!

My dark, beautiful, seductive soulmate.

The love of my life
The one who I can always call mine
My alluring, divine, forever love
I feel you deep inside
Where I know you reside
The very feel of your presence
The sheer taste of your essence

You drive me crazy
...
And I love it

Oh, God I love it

You have been with me
Longer than I can possibly remember
In the back of my mind
In the center of my chest
Flowing through my veins
Filling me up

My Love
My dear
My beautiful
Pain.

My friend knocked on my door
I answered
He asked to come inside
I allowed
He sat at my table and sipped tea
As I sat across him and had my coffee
He told me he missed me, but the feeling was not mutual
He had been a good friend to me, however unusual
But the time of our friendship had reached an end
And I had learned to live without him since then
my friend Death, I value our friendship,
I said,
**but my dear Death, I think it's time you finished your tea

baby
I miss calling you that.
I miss seeing you smile
I miss *making you smile
But my hands are bleeding
And my soul is torn.
I miss me
I miss being able to make you smile

If I had to choose between you and me
If I could only have one of us...

because that's what it looks like

If I couldn't have an us


You & Me

OR

You  or  Me


*I guess I'll have to pick me

Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone

To not be laboured by heavy thoughts
To not be concerned by outer affairs
To do only what I've been programmed to do
Feel only what I've been programmed to feel*
To live my life with a blank stare
With no smiles, with no tears*
So that everything wasn't so painful
Even if it'd mean I'd feel never joyful

I'd wake up every morning, blink three times
Wash my face, brush three times
Every breakfast, have three bites
Have a cup of coffee, as I begin to sell my soul
To the wheels that would control me, that chain my soul


Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone
To not get so tired
To not feel so alone

If all you'd known
Your whole life
Was dark clouds
Icy rain
And violent wind

If all you'd seen
Your whole life
Was grey skies
Dull days
And cold nights

And then
Like magic

A crack appears in the sky
A light seeps through the clouds
A warmth touches my skin
softly, like a blanket
slowly, like an ember
surely, like it was meant for me

Like the sun burns in the initials of my name
Like the heatwaves sing songs of my name
Like the power of it all courses through my veins
Like the purpose of its creation was all in my name

And then
Imagine

hearing thunder again.

There's something about you
My body responds to your smile
My soul responds to your touch

There's something about you
I can feel your energy
I can see your mind

There's something about you
*You're addictive

Take me, my naked self, and place me on your throne of knives.
Hold me, my broken self, and pierce me with your fangs.
Love me, my whole self, and I will be yours completely.

Wholly and honestly.
Truly and painfully.
To rip apart and to put together.
To learn and discover.

*For as long as breath passes through my lungs.

I sit.
Legs crossed, back straight, face blank.
I sit.
But in my mind I feel the madness.
In my mind I see the streaks of thoughts long gone.
I feel the torment of years of living.
I see it. I feel it.
But I do not understand it.
Legs crossed, back straight, face blank.
I sit.

It started with the fingertips of our hands. They touched. They melded. Next were our wrists. Fingers intertwined, shock waves coursing. Then came our lips. And our hips. Fire burning, sparks flying. Scorching each part of us. And we loved it. Soul to soul, skin on skin.
Sentiments breathed.
Feelings shared.
Words meant.
We became completely merged. Inseparable. Just us, to take on the world together.
A team. A pairing. A union.

And then came the fingertips of our hands. Peeling off. Slowly, nondescript. Next were our wrists. Dropping everything we held close.
Dropping the spark.
Dropping the flame.
Then our faces moved far enough apart that we could see. And we saw. I hadn’t wanted to see. I had wanted to close my eyes and touch you again. To pick up our flame and run.
With you by my side I could have.
But I had seen. And I knew. And you knew. So we parted. As slowly as we had merged.
*As painfully as well.

I feel like the happiest princess alive
My eyes are bright
My feet are light
I feel like the happiest princess alive

My heart has taken a leave of absence.
meaningless ***
empty conversations
cold days
This is who I have become,
because my heart has taken a leave of absence.
She told me when she was leaving,
that all she wanted was a break from the breaking.
She told me in a whisper,
that she was losing herself.
She wrote to me,
on a tear-stained sheet,
all the things that would happen if she stayed.

But she didn't tell me
Who I would become
*Without my heart

I looked at you, and I was proud
Proud to have met you
Proud to have touched you
Proud to have moved you
Proud to have loved you

His fingers on my skin. Tracing lightly above my veins.
His breath on my skin. Warming up my body.
His eyes on my skin. Gazing longingly.
my skin
Bound above my head, my arms crave his body.
Closer. Harder.
He plays with me. He taunts me.
His tie over my eyes. Only his tie over my eyes.
I can smell him
I want him.
Closer. Harder
I feel his lips all over me. I can hardly move.
He's enjoying me.
I think I'm enjoying him too.
I feel the warmth of his body hover over mine.
His scent overwhelms me.
Closer. Harder
I am in a different place.
I am in a perfect place.
I am.

I arrive.
I knock on the door. It's jammed.
You're inside.
I wait outside as you try to open it, but your key's broken.
"It'll take a while," you say.
It's a beautiful day, so I wait outside. We talk through the wood, and you open a window so we can talk easier.
A cold wind starts to blow.
"It's cold," I say.
You pass me a jacket from inside, and I wear it. It's not so cold any more, and I'm alright. We keep talking, and you're figuring out a way to open the door.
I feel a drop on my nose. Oh my. Rain.
I ask if I can help. I can't. You take my bag through the window. I won't fit.
Maybe we can break the lock? Maybe we can break the door? Maybe a back door? No, none of those. Another drop on my cheek. Oh my. Rain.

The truth is, if you wanted to let me in you would. You'd figure it out and I'd be inside, warm, with you.
The truth is, it's raining. And I don't think I should be risking penumonia.
The truth is, you have my bag, and everything in it.
The truth is, if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to leave.

*And the truth is, I don't want to.

My heart is beating… beating against broken glass…glass held in place by barbed wire. Thump…thump…It’s poking…like the thorn crown on Jesus’ head. At least Jesus’ head wasn’t beating. I begin to bleed…the glass piercing my heart. But it beats on…bleeding…beating…I wish it would stop. I wish the pain would go away. But the only way it would is if my heart stopped beating. And I cannot be graced with such mercy as the mercy of death. So it beats and bleeds…each day anew.

My eyes open.
It's another day.

inhale

Drag myself out of bed.
Splash water on my face.
Stare into the mirror.

breathe

Walk.
Sit.
Eat.

blink

Phone rings.
Talk.
Work.
Text.

don't forget to breathe

My eyes close.
It's another night.

please no nightmares tonight
please.

I don't think you understand
The way I fell in love with you
The way you became my whole world
The way you were the sun that lit up my days

I don't think you understand
The way I still feel your warmth
The way I still move to you like a tide to the moon
The way I still find comfort in your light

I don't think you understand
When I said forever
I meant it
When I said unconditionally
I mean it
When I loved you
I meant it

No, I don't think you understand
That you'll always be in my heart

Six years old*

There's tears in my eyes, dripping down my face.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know. But they won't stop. Down my cheeks, they drip off my chin.
"Why are you crying?"
I don't know. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm suffocating.
"What hurts?"
I don't know. But it's inside. Deep deep inside, I think it's my heart.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know! It hurts so bad, and I don't know why! I can't breathe!
"Is there anything..."*
I... I just... I just want it to stop.
They fall like the rain, almost as if the clouds are inside me. Yes. The clouds... They fall from the grey clouds, the ones that hurt... The ones that suffocate me... Maybe.... Maybe if I removed the clouds, I could breathe again. Maybe.... If.... I...

You told me you weren't ready.
That's what he said.
You told me you'd been hurt before.
That's what he said.
You told me to wait for you.
That's what he said.

And I did.
And he crushed me. He took my heart into his hands, as I had given to him, and he tore it apart into shreds as he smiled. He slid the knife right between the cracks of my ribs as his lips pressed onto mine. He twisted, and I screamed. He laughed as I cried. He said he didn't meant to. He said he didn't know. He said he wished things were different. Like he hadn't made them the way they were. My bones were crushed, my heart was torn, my soul was broken, and it took every atom of energy in the universe to bring me back to life.

**So forgive me if, when you ask me to wait, *I refuse.

One. Two.
It's windy where I walk, and muddy.
Three. Four.
I'm unstable and keep getting my feet stuck.
Five. Six.
I fall down.

One. Two.
It's cold now, as the wind hits me where I'm wet.
Three. Four.
It seems stickier. I shiver.
Five. Six.
Then I hear the voices.

One. Two.
"You'll never make it!"
Three. Four.
"You don't even know anyone who ever has!"
Five. Six.
A tear falls.

One. Two.
I'm pushing my hardest.
Three. Four.
I'm crying uncontrollably.
Five. Six.
It doesn't seem to be enough.

Don't you see? Don't you see me trying? Don't you see me crying? Is none of it enough?
Will it ever be enough?

Seven. Eight.
*I won't give up.

Let me show you my world

The gales that blow indoors
The colours that shine at night
The rains that flood my deserts

Let me show you my world

The bursts of poetry within the whispers
The symphonies of my heart beating
The light that shines* from the darkest soul

Come,
Let me show you my world.

Nine years old

I can feel it.
His absence.
It's the loudest silence I've ever heard.
Somehow I didn't notice when the volume started getting softer. I didn't notice when the lyrics grew sparse. I didn't notice when the band turned acoustic, and when the singing became a hum...
I just thought it was a part of the music.
until it stopped completely
Somehow I know he's gone this time.
Somehow I know he won't be back for dinner.
Somehow I know... That the playlist is over... That the last song has played...

But I don't know how to hit "play next"
And it's the loudest silence I've ever heard.

It still hurts
When I lie awake in my bed at night
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
It still hurts
When I'm walking down the street
Watching my feet hit the ground in rhythm
It still hurts
When I stare at myself in the mirror
Early morning when I'm brushing my teeth
It still hurts

It'll always hurt
but I'm used to it

The last time I felt like this must have been when I was a little girl.
When I felt special. When I felt loved. When I felt precious.

Before everything.

I remember grass being so green it was glowing yellow, and water being so majestically clear you could see a rainbow within it.
I remember laughing so beautifully, I felt like a song.
I remember dancing so freely, I felt like I could fly.

I remember so many things, otherwise blurred by the scars of the aftermath...
The one I could never heal from...
The one...

The one I can see in my rear view mirror
And
For
Once
*I feel free

I see you.... Seated on the grass... So beautiful. So serene. So perfect. Your back is to me, and you are silhouetted by the setting sun. You are so beautiful. I remain where I stand... I don't want you to see me... To know I'm there. I don't want to disturb you... I already did my damage. I only did it for you. So that you would know happiness. You would have never known that with me.... You deserve much better. You're a queen. And I... I remain a peasant. A petty thief of the night. A scrappy child from the lower class.
I just had on a very, very nice mask.
I'm sorry.
Maybe you deserved to know... But I am selfish... I am weak... I am proud... I know you would never have understood had I tried to tell you... But I look at you now and I don't regret. You're so beautiful.
More beautiful without me.

Signed, your lost friend.
Grinnie.

Fourteen Years Old

They're fighting again. I can feel it.
She tells me to be careful.
He.... He says nothing.
and I'm not surprised
Why won't he say anything? Why won't he tell me? Doesn't he think I can handle it? Doesn't he think I'm strong enough? Old enough? Enough?
Just enough?
And then I start to wonder.

Is that why?
Because I'm not enough?
Or maybe I'm too much?
Didn't he want this?
Didn't he want me?*

Didn't he promise me forever?

It’s these times when you sneer at me and I grin right back at you… These times when you want to strangle me to death and you end up laughing like the happiest person in the world… It’s these times that I cherish. It’s these times I feel I was blessed to have met you. When you throw a stone at me and miss intentionally. When you’re chasing me and only catch me because I’m laughing too hard to run. I’m happy when you’re happy. I could never bear the thought of smiling if you’re in tears… But sometimes I’m sad when you’re happy, and devastated when you’re sad. Because it’s these times when I’m feeling blessed to have you… Then it hits me that I don’t have you.
No matter the good times we have, or how much you bring my happiness forth… I’m still the scone you have with your soup, or the salad on your plate of fries. But I don’t want to be selfish, so I don’t think about it. I focus on the joy you give me, and the change you bring out of me. When the time comes, we will part ways. But for now…
I’ll pull that smile onto your face and release as much joy as I can from your heart. Making you happy makes me happy, so until the end of the road….
Keep Smiling.

Why did you let me see you
If you would just run and hide?

Why did you let me hold you
If you would just get up and go?

Why did you let me hear you
If you would just go silent?

Why did you show me your heart
If you act like you didn't have one?

Why did I fall in love with you
*If you were never really there?

I want my hands on your body
my fingers on your skin
I want my lips on your earlobe
I'll whisper anything you like

*I want you