For the first time in my life, I am terribly lonely
For the first time in my life, I can feel the crisp air around me
For the first time in my life, I notice myself

I notice myself

For the first time in my life, I feel terribly lonely
For the first time in my life, I feel completely naked
For the first time in my life, I am alone

I am alone

In this cold world, in these dreary days
I am shivering, teeth clattering
With not so much as a blanket on my shoulders
With not so much as a shoulder to lean on

I am alone

With a mind clear and sharp as crystal
So I can hear the deafening silence
With a soul burning beyond control
Threatening to take me with it

for the first time in my life, I am alone
*for the first time in my life, I am terribly lonely

As the knife eases out of my body I feel relief. Painful relief. Relief I’ve never felt before. It’s terrifying. No pressure on the wound makes for profuse bleeding. I’m bleeding. It’s gushing out. Pouring onto everything I’ve ever known. It’s all red. All I see is red. Red soaked into all that is around me.
I black out.
The first thing I notice is that I’m still breathing. It’s unexpected. I thought I would be dead. I open my eyes. Slowly, i see light. It looks different. Maybe I am dead and I’m in heaven. Ha. Likely hell… I blink. I can see everything as it is, but it looks different. The light. It’s different. I sit up and it’s easier than I thought. “I’m definitely dead,” I think.
Where’s the pain?
The air is cleaner. The light is brighter. But i am not dead. I am alive. Breathing crystals and seeing rainbows. Tasting diamonds and holding silks. Heaven on earth.

I am alive.

You were my shining star
Before you lost the spark; before you went so dark
You were my everything
But now you're a memory, empty
Just like a parody
Except that it's not funny
I don't bruise easily; but that's only physically
You hit me so hard I felt the scars down deep emotionally
I really just couldn't believe that you would do this to me

How could you do this to me??

I was your daughter
I AM your daughter
Doesn't that matter?
Shouldn't that matter?
I was your baby girl
You were my whole **** world
How could you turn so cold?
How could you leave me alone?

I don't know
If I hate myself
For not having learned sooner
Or
If I hate him
For making me have to learn
In the first place

I’m seated…in an armchair…in an empty room…facing a glass wall. I don’t know if you can see me, but I can see you. Seated calmly on your own armchair…sometimes you like to look around…sometimes you close your eyes. I stand up and walk toward the wall…may as well be a one-sided reflector…and I gently place my hand on the glass. I see you get up to do the same. The look in your eyes is distant…you don’t seem to see me…but your hand is directly opposite mine. Only the glass is stopping our fingers from interlocking. Only the glass is keeping us apart. Only the glass…
The glass which I put up. The glass which I strategically placed between us. I drop my hand and begin to pace around the room. Throwing a glance at you, I see that your palms…now both…are pressed against the glass…but your eyes… so empty…so distant! And it’s all my fault. I drop myself onto the ground behind my armchair. I dig my fingers into my hair. I squeeze my eyes shut. I think. All my questions are whys. My answers make me hate myself. I would be completely fine had I been the only one yearning for you. Had I been the only one aching to know how you are. The only one craving you. Had you been completely oblivious to the reasons of my departure and the fact that it was a conscious move on my part. Had you thought it was just one of those drifting things… "Happens all the time!” But you know. You know why, and you don’t understand. Because hearts don’t understand. I would know.
So what do I do? I can’t bring myself to break the glass, but I can’t bear seeing you like this. I can’t harbor the thought of the possibility of you actually feeling this way because of me. I’m bound by the past…held back by previous happenings…I am in the ******* of past heartbreaks and prominent fears. I do wish I could break the glass, I really do…
That’s why you weren’t supposed to know.
Your temporary friend, Grinnie

I danced in fields of flora and fauna. I danced among the birds, and the falling leaves danced around me.
I walked along roads of concrete and humans. I walked on the stone, and the people walked beside me.
I swam in oceans of salt and sharks. I swam in the water, and the fish swam underneath me.
I flew in a sky of clouds and wind. I flew in the air, and the rain fell below me.
Then i met you.
You flew in fields of concrete and water.
You danced on roads of water and clouds.
You walked on oceans of flora and wind.
You swam in a sky of salt and humans.
I was baffled.
Now we dance in the rain, with falling leaves around us.
And we fly with the birds, and the clouds beneath us.
We swim in the air, people oblivious.
**And we walk with each other, all the way to the end.