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E Jan 2020
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What makes you tick?

Crashing waves
Flashing lights

The kiss on your lips?

I remember the taste
Hands on your waist
You’d look at me
Loving your embrace

What more will I write?

It helps me cope
Throw away the urge
And in the end
I lose hope
jyd||
E Nov 2023
Driving on the road every day is how I connect and see those in my community. In a given month, I pass by thousands of cars. Why is it that I feel the most alone in transit to my destinations?

Driving recklessly, driving with suicidal intent, driving under the influence are all acts of violence. How can I make these same people care about themselves and the people in their life if they are unforgiving in weapons of destruction?

I ask those to take "sonder" into their commute. Do you see the man 300 feet away in the car with his wife and children? Do you see the breast cancer survivor in the pink car with their eldest daughter? Do you see the bicyclist doing their daily commute? Do you see their life outside of their commute— their love, their hobbies, their favorite books and songs, and their trauma?

We should all hold space and reflect when in passing. To be mindful and present, we are equally human, with drive and something that drives us. We need to start giving a ****.

How are we supposed to care for one another when all that surrounds us are displays of violence? It’s more than the overt displays—recklessness and abuse towards ourselves or others, hate crimes, police brutality, genocide, institutions of slavery.

When certain events enter into the collective consciousness, because we are forced to witness them; these acts tend to remind us we are disenfranchised. We are silenced. We are powerless. Until we mobilize and resist in acts of love.

Let me remind whoever is reading this: we criminalize and demonize those who give sanctuary, those who educate and speak their truth, those who feed the unhoused, those who do work on the ground, and those involved in policy.

We think little of those with degrees, fixations, and aspirations dealing in social justice, social studies, and sciences. To commemorate and value everyone as a human being is far more important than aspiring to become the next billionaire.

I don’t wake up and dream about wealth. I dream about people feeling safe and having resources on hand if they ever encounter a crisis. I dream about others committing to mutual aid and bartering practices as a way to help one another but also resist. I dream about shutting off our devices because we can call out unhelpful discourse and disinformation. I dream about others having a shared trait to discuss than to find every reason to think they’re so different.

I think I understand what finding community means. Though I haven’t talked to enough people, I can envision community as reaching over to the next person and actively hearing them, seeing them, and being there how you can. Community is being heard, community is finding love in places you thought you couldn’t, and it’s giving a ****.
we need solidarity right now for all disenfranchised and oppressed peoples on this world, and i don’t see how we can do that without caring at the local, state, or national level. i ask that you make a new friend, find genuine connections, and spread beam of lights into people. for those who are depressed or otherwise cannot do it’s easily, i see you and i hear you. i love you, even if you don’t know me. you matter and your life matters. from the river to the sea, palestine will be free.
E Dec 2019
The sidewalks the grass the dirt and The porcelain glass

Everyday I look past
To the left and to right I see cars pass

Sky blooms like a galaxy
Yet I'm walking forward

Cracks in the road with roadkill
And the only thing I see ahead of me
is a building

Light in it's halls that I walk in
Silent in these hours
Forgot to publish, but just an insight of my settings on my daily walk to school
E Jul 2020
Hit me with your car
So i can pave my way
Into breaking down
What it means to exist
In a world so ruthless
I can't experience fragility

Verbally abuse me
So i can help you understand
You're not free from consequences
In a world that is blind
To teach what family is to friend

Touch my body without consent
So i can show you that you're a fool
For messing with a mind so divine
It can split up your body in twelve
In a world so quiet
You hear their screams

Pin me down and suffocate me
So i can finally escape this madness
With a reason to leave
In a world with no crime
But have you wiped your eyes

Make pretend i don't exist
So i can talk to the toys
They always listen to the words i said
When she didn't
In a world where you are failed
To be loved and felt accepted

Put a knife to my throat
So i can be defenseless
Over a music CD
Still haunts my memory
Like an iPod on repeat
In a world where power dynamics
matter more than being a child in front of a t.v.
Created a picture and it gave me a flashback to my car accident that happened years ago. I wanted to write something detailing that experience but other traumatic ones as well.
19
E Sep 2022
19
i've never felt
so alive
experiencing the full range of human emotion

this is what it means to be human
what it feels to breathe without condition
and shackles to their needs
conservation of energy
preservation of self
outcomes fulfillment

residual ties out of desperate attempts at connection
burning those same bridges out of fear
i'm known
not understood
used as a tool from my own overextended hand
not understanding
people can't be used as distractions
finding the flaws in repeated dynamics
where do they **** up
but where do i contribute
is the better question
how am i the problem.
i am the problem
and now, how do i resolve this
time will offer it's lesson again
let me catch up
i'm still doing my homework
please professor life, give me a second.
life updates: skipped my first college semester, lost two-three relationships, gained a new relationship, lost my therapist to get a new one,  got a job and am now juggling school and work.
5H2
E Jul 2020
5H2
when i look at you
it fills the despondent void
of what i didn't have

when i look at you
it fills space to love harder
needed from the past

when i look at you
i am full of happiness
no longer helpless

when i look at you
there's a kid celebrating
those victories fought

he is a spirit
who goes to rest knowingly
that you avenged him
Tried haiku like poems. definitely was a battle. I'm referencing my ability to smile. I often obsess over pictures of myself being happy and I've realized it's because there has never been a chance in my childhood to be myself, authentically and unapologetically. When I embrace my happiness, it's to fill the voids of unacceptance, and never feeling adequate as a kid. I recognize both behaviors, but as I grow closer to adulthood, it's something to think about.
E Aug 2019
Living was a constant battle
My thoughts told me I was worthless.
Stupid and unloved.
People’s actions left an impact on me
My emotions left neglected.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Filled my days with ease
2015 was the worst year of my life. The first time I tried to commit suicide. 09-03-15. A date that used to haunt me, but I have now gotten over. It is something I remember now because this year, 09-03-19 it’s an important day for me. It’s the day of my third testosterone shot in hormone replacement therapy. If 2015 me would have known I’d make it this far, I’m sure I wouldn’t have given up so many times. Everything happens for a reason.
E Dec 2019
Dear mom,

You’re not perfect
I know you never will be
Maybe I hold you too high a standard
That your legs and arms can’t reach
Maybe I hold grudges I shouldn’t
And I know that makes you feel upset
I have a hard time forgetting
But I do forgive
I’m not perfect
And you know I never will be

You’re my mom
Sometimes I act like you’re not
I’m guilty of spilling words of regret
I’m guilty just as you are of mistakes
I’m your son
Sometimes you acted like I’m not
You’re guilty of intolerance
You’re guilty just as I am of mistakes

Words have escaped our lips
We both know shouldn’t have been said
They lay in the past
With pain and regret
They’ve sprouted into something better
A feeling and movement of love
To conquer those bad vibrancies

It doesn’t take 24 hours to restore a wound
Yet I see your love through your actions
Wrapping itself on my scars
Eagerly wanting them to heal
And I hope as time passes you see me Walk through the pathway you’ve started to build


Often, we take one step forward and Two steps back
But we are always improving from the person we were yesterday
Hence progress that wasn’t always there
And I’m appreciative of the energy you set forth into me

Thank you.
I spent this Christmas with my mother. For the first time in years. During this time I was able to sympathize like I have never before. I always recognized her as the monster that hurt me, whenever I thought of her I could only recollect what she did wrong. Yes it’s important to hold her accountable to her actions, but I wasn’t judging myself first. I acted like I was perfect when that is definitely not the case. I always expected her to be this flawless individual but I can’t hold her to that standard if I’m not doing it myself. When she left my house, I decided to reflect. The two words, “Dear mom” were in my head and I knew exactly what I had to. Write. This is how this piece came about. I’m starting to finally forgive.
E Feb 2020
Uninspired empty and blank
Not satisfied
Creativity is miles away
Where is my hope
My energy my love
Where did it go?

Exhaustion expiration and fatigue
Burn out
Numbness is so close
Where did it get lost in the wind
My energy my love
My passion to pick up a pencil
Draw my hearts content out
Where did it go?
Feeling so out of touch with my usual creativity.
E May 2020
what i bring tomorrow
is never the present version of me
it is the baggage of yesterday and the past of who i am
is what i bring tomorrow.

the past is all i have
to teach me lessons not yet learned
to help me remember whats hidden
to make me better myself for tomorrow.
i have been listening to songs i adored in the past, and it always helps me recover memories i had drowned. Sometimes it is done unconsciously and other times intentional. i am using this quarantine to reflect on my character of then, and now. tomorrow waits, and she always will be.
E Dec 2020
Dysphoria is lifting a hot cup of bare black coffee to your lips
It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and third degree burns on your skin

It's one of the strongest romances I've had
She stalks wherever and whenever
Yet when pools of blood start to pour
Subsequently from slashes on my wrist
A smile stands tall on my brim

The story of hypocrisy beyond comprehension
How could a human find themselves in obsession
With disorders more dangerous than inventions
And still hold empathy in question

Truth is,
Despotic relations fueled with dissonant expectations
Transcend into deeper feelings of euphoria
Barbwire grappling my throat for seconds that feel like years
But then the pressure suddenly decreases
I'm left with rusted thorns and gaping flesh
Undoubtely grateful to stay alive
Relief washes over and taking a breath feels heavenly
As the opportunity to face demons comes again
The chances of overcoming rise above my head

Hazard and danger don't become horror anymore
If you take it by the throat and butcher it first
Growing into a body you dislike
while everyone is having the best time of their lives
you can't help but feel envy
people can show more skin than you do
because you hide in fabric that binds
people can go about daily conversations
you can't due to anxiety on how your voice sounds
people can walk into bathrooms without thinking
while some wonder if they'll be assaulted simply for being different

the presence of dysphoria hinders the quality of life
it's painful.
it leaves you jealous and scarred.
and the presence of euphoria reverses every horror of dysphoria and slams it on its head.
euphoria makes you feel ****, empowered, powerful.
Anxiety and stress erase while you feel radical and loathe in self-love for how you've crafted yourself to feel happy.

The existence of hate and how I am expected to accept it into my life, turning it upside down and under, makes euphoria even more satisfactory. The feelings of radicalness I feel will never be felt by a cis person. They do not hold the same roles to accept that their life will be miserable and unlovable on the basis of gender identity.
E Mar 2022
ten minutes.
sitting with presley
contemplating
tearing up
not happy
but not in despair
two cold bodies
giving one another
what they need
one shivering
one perpetually alone
three minutes.
i am far
but on the way
thoughts being guides
two minutes.
time is gone
one minute.
i'm more of an adult
California world
Weightless part 5 and 6
Cry alone
Thank you for being those songs that take me into my 19th birthday.

- - - - - -

i feel thankful
in the midst of feeling frustration, anger, and depression

i think two things can exist at the same time, even if they're at odds
maybe that's the neutrality i've started to embellish

it is a weird feeling
being alive at ages over 18
i had little faith i would be alive right now
but i am
and there's pain
but there is also
an appreciation and an adventure

what i didn't think i could've had
is tangible and i'm existing
i am alive
and i didn't **** myself.
E Jan 13
On the way to make noise for DC to hear,
I imagined bridging solidarity to all illegal occupations.
We took it from Palestine, across the globe, and everyone had a role.
Mine was in calling to action, but my invisibility was okay.
The disrupters were loud at the front, protecting others behind them. I heard chanting, culture, chatter, and I saw the sweat, the drive that drilled people to be there.
More and more will show up in these times, and we protect us, we are better together.
There will not be singular revolutionaries; it is the movement in masses of people which becomes revolution.

I felt at peace and I fell asleep knowing this reality will be true; we will witness a free Palestine.
hope. hope is a discipline, or else we cannot envision a more just and beautiful future. hope is what drove our ancestors to fight. hope is essential to how we show up.
E Nov 2021
I engage in transness
but with no emphasis on transition
I am not one to the other
I am on a continuum that can't be defined
to male or female
if I opened up on what parts define me
you'd be in for a while
my transness is not fixed
my transness is evergrowing and bountiful
it doesn't stop at male or female
I've passed what it means to be trans
I've ran the marathon
and won at the finish line
transness has it's own path
not what cisgender people decide
I live in a revelation of social control
by what's under inclusivity
the performance of transitioning is over
I engage in transness
and I exist with no finish line
A shocking revelation, not so shocking revelation has dawned upon me and I realize I am not aligned with simply male or female. I deviated from the socialization of female and I am now deviating from male socialization and roles. I am deviating because the performance of gender doesn't do me much anymore except back pain and bruised ribs. The performance of male or female as a trans person is often unrelenting and empty. Performing has made me hyperaroused by those perceivimg me, anxious about failing my performance and getting sexually or physically assaulted, and has honestly not done me anything good in the past year and a half. All I get from that is being gendered "he" and even that isn't really affirming. I suppose it's better than She/her but it's all in the same if it's binary.
My existence cannot be boxed into either or.
I feel as though my experience with gender is always transforming and adapting to what's most comfortable.
Being a binary trans person felt comfortable because it was the only viable option from female. Now, performing/being perceived as male is not making me comfortable.
I don't want to die a man. I don't want to die a woman. This doesn't even take into consideration how I'll always be perceived as A or B. Gender is confusing. I identify as genderqueer, but also "not available."
E Jan 2020
inner battles
declare war
strike me
powerful bullets
push me
to dirt
grab me
talk to me
torture consumes
unable to
rest silently

body restive
can’t forget
in dreams
in thought
in heart

torture consumes
until defeat
giving into
the demand
i can’t stop thinking about her. In my dreams, and in my thoughts
E Sep 2019
Battling ignorance
Is putting a knife to my throat
One mistaken word
I hold the danger to be assaulted
As a result the blade slits me open


Battling ignorance
Can be withdrawing the knife
When people digest
That I am a human
And they respect me
I get asked inappropriate questions as a trans person. People forget to be respectful when you come out. Other times people intend to make you feel uncomfortable. And lastly, some result to violence as a way of disapproval. I try to battle ignorance with peace every time I can. Yet I’m still challenged with the opposite energy.
E Dec 2020
I don't know what I am anymore
I'm too self obsessed not to care
as if I don't pass by a mirror every hour and stroke my ****** hair
standards of cis normativity never make sense
they don't make sense more than ever
why be like everyone else
when I'm already the outcast
whats the point to stop expression
whats the point to stop..my expression?
of my experience
of my encounters
of my existence
my identity will be radical
with or without cis validation
my happiness is resistance
with or without standards
we were not meant to fit in
so outgrowing it is suitable
Questioning my identity as a trans male and how I fit into society. Although I do not identify as my ***, AFAB, that does not mean I align with male roles, neither male expectations. I align more masculine and am repulsed by being misgendered, but can embrace femininity now that I see myself the way I've viewed myself for over ten years.
E Apr 2020
Pictures can only hold so much
It doesn't mask the difference from a kid to a man,
From aggressive behavior to tame
Nor does it show my inability, and pain.
Looking at him then
Shows immaturity and lack of awareness.
Bound to heavy weight of trauma and insecurity.
Yet not seen resolved
Only to make more involved.
He was and if not
As bad as the one who cut his throat so deep
He couldn't find himself enough to speak.
He would then damage others who never deserved the baggage.
Reflecting on the pain i caused others. Also experimenting with my poetry to not use "i" so much !!
E Jul 2019
Treacherous smiles and laughs
Displayed like a show
For everyone to see
What everyone doesn’t know
Is how insizeable you treat me  

Ghastly memories send shivers down my spine
Remembering how your warmth felt
When you’d cuddle me
And at the next you’re threatening me

A knife held in your hands
I cried helplessly
Searching for solutions so I’ll be okay
But I end up hurt and mislead by you

Why did you leave such a burn on my memory?
Why did you do this to me?
Now after all these years, you sit feet away from me as if you’ve done no wrong
And it makes me want to *****.
Wondering thoughts as a I sit some feet away. I feel distraught, and disassociated. I’m trying to not let the negativity consume me.
E Apr 2020
I find that poetry isn't confined
to rhythmic patterns but rather to keep us aligned.
I find that poetry is a vast playground
to keep us free to play and write down.
I find that poetry isn't held to the conformity
yet rather displace and be the abnormity.
I find that poetry is a place to unwind
you lay on your bed and lose track of time.
I find that poetry isn't truly as strict as it may seem to be
because when discovered the right words you fly free.
I always get inspired when reading other poems, I just wanted to write a little something.
E Dec 2019
I don't crave it like I used to
I don't force myself into a fantasy

I feel content being by myself
I enjoy my company

I can't help but one wonder
If one day

Will I find a warm tenderness?
An infatuation so devoted and pure?

I wonder if one day
I will meet someone new
Who I can truly appreciate
Just finished watching some videos on Chella and Maryv. Seeing the both of them makes me smile. I wonder if i can have a romantic bond like that.
E Aug 2020
what is life
what am I doing
to complain of doing the same but make no push to do different
it feels miserable that my life is a broken record on repeat
bottles of water in my room judge
so does all the food
they watch as I suffer in silence
my head feels like it's swelling with emotions unreleased
it's so heavy to pick up
I rather rest in bed
with a body already so restless
sleep does nothing for it
I feel like ****
and I can't escape this room
suffocating by the binds of guidelines
drowning in uncomfort of my home
I barely bathe
three times a week if lucky
I hold in my *** because I don't like the way my ***** hits the water
I pinch my ears so I don't have to hear
I jab earphones in so I feel invisible when I leave my room to eat
I blast music so it deafens the depressing state of my reality
the only peace I feel
is when I drift into sleep
only then my reality becomes something more manageable
so why shouldn't I sleep forever?
might need to get back on meds again
jyd
E Dec 2019
jyd
running in the hallway of memory
pictures mounted on the walls
bright smiles and entranced fidelity
evolved into nowhere to turn

anxiety refreshes the past
from musical pieces once treasured by a passion so strong
I believed so unbreakable
would later prove me a fool

septic jealously
tangled grabbing
dry eyes and painful tears
destructive wounds
unhealthy affinity
would result in an addiction of abuse

too early to understand
denial and anxiety befriended me
I refused the truth
forgive me that I refused what was better for the both of the us
feeling regret I didn’t take action sooner
too late to change havoc being dealt

three years ahead in time
I wonder where you are
do you still think of me?
after all I’ve caused?
or do you not?
questions roam from time to time
I wonder if yours do too

together we are not innocent in a court of law
both criminals that have been charged
with a love so dangerous
needing to repent

do you remember?
the songs? the touch?
my lips?
our intolerable dependency?

I’m reaching out to you
in vast space of once was
tears once cried
tell their own story
can I lay by your side, next to you
and make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you.
{lay me down- sam smith}
jyd is them, the person I hold dear to my heart.
E Jan 2020
Material possessions
To replace your warmth
You buy me everything
When I just want your heart
Items do not replace a child to parent relationship. Items do not replace a relationship between two lovers. Items do not make up for your lack of care and effort.
E May 2020
music never left me alone
sound has never failed to make me feel
dynamics and bass never once left me
wavelengths rushing through a shallow canal
caused for greater clarity and prosperity
had i not had the vibrations rummaging through my ears
i ought of lost my mind
the reality is that i am alone
and noise protects my sanity
it keeps my mind full
to push aside mental antics
and keep myself stuffed of ideas
music never stopped my imagination
on the days i wanted to die
music kept me in a stagnant state
that allowed me to prevent harm
without the loving melodic voices
i would have stripped someones throat out
music gives me a soul
and a shoulder to lean on
when the demons come chasing after me
felt the vibe to write about music since its important to me
E Sep 2019
I’m not afraid to show my skin
I don’t choke with insecurities

I now show my face in pictures
In days gone by, I showed nothing

I walk with my head up
Previously always denying the world

I dress with fitting clothes
I forget what it feels like to hide in fabric

I look at myself, happy with my character
Prior to bleating with ghostly satisfaction
Reminiscing on my transition.
E Sep 2020
your normal is different from mine
sometimes the way I view myself
can be gripping adoration
until I look down the pedestal
I stand on
signaled by sparks in my nerves
fueled with thunder and horror
a burdening obstacle
too frequent to avoid

to look at the side profile of my body
envision disordered fathers
partnered with chronic alcohol issues
to replace something once admirable
but not anymore
bottles slip out of grasp
as they fall asleep

to look at my body when binding
envision exaggerated paint on easels
voluptuous shaped circles
for the blueprint of this body
destined to be crammed
in three layers of compression

to be in my body
envision paranoia
in every action took
cranking the car engine
to function faster
as if there isn't more duties it holds
than to drive
envision having reflexes to defend
a potential not definite touch of a hand in a 10 feet radius
envision being hyper aware of sound
as a barn owl to darkness
processing sounds above and below
saturated senses sabotaging stability

your normal is different from mine
corrupted custody of mind
failure to overcome the lies
manifesting in ways
you can't describe
today and always settling
for comfort that's destructive
too irresistible to let go
to repaint my picture
Been putting off publishing this one, I thought I had more to add but I think it's fine the way it is. I carry a lot mentally when I wake up and start my day. I  never realized how exhausting it is to be stressed out about the way people interact with me and hyper focus if they're going to touch me. It's become my normal. I don't second guess it. The same I won't second guess that people don't understand me. It's not hard to see that my normal is different.
E May 2020
my knuckles are bruised from the day before
i am now tense and scared
for tomorrow
another battle
is equal to another day
i have to fight for dominance
when it comes to being safe
for myself
you're not going to win today
i am a soldier
a soldier who's fought great battles
a soldier who's had enough scars
who's fought hard enough
who's fought for things i shouldn't have to
strong soldier
but weak inside
i am not capable to fight against the most violent of battles
you slay my hands
my mind
my mouth
my system
i am your slave
you've won
but i have not yet lost
maybe tomorrow i'll win
but it's the beginning of what will repeat
for ever
every day
365 days
until i let myself go
and lose
but until then i will put up a fight
and fight back harder
i will win against you
i will be victorious
it will be me who's Laughing
it will be when i have come to terms with everything
i won't have to let myself go
when i find my happiness
My strength to fight back
my power is stronger with you
i am winning a battle that is endless
with you
don't die strength
i need you to go on
E Apr 2020
There isn't much organization in this newfound structure
The world is misplaced out of its regular orbit.
Sun shines a little less, stars are hidden behind clouds.
My depth perception is perplexed when stepping foot outside.
Intensity blinds my field of vision with saturated apricot
Eyelids squeezing trying to bare the unfamiliarity.
Forced inside for over four weeks,
Air is danger, people a risk.
Unable to roam the streets without protection
Sneeze or cough get berated.
Immunodeficient deserve to be taken seriously
Those at risk aware of the familiarity.
Not the first time around a government fails to protect the health And wellness of those who need it most.
Patience and the discipline to stay at home
May enable freedom and coherence
In a time where you're quarantined within your own thoughts.
I am living through my first pandemic. Thought I'd shed a few thoughts.
E Apr 2020
you're a screen.
a glass.
but you fell face first and now you're breaking.
you've always been breaking since early before.
the shards come loose and fall with the dirt.
you're always losing shards.
why are you so cracked.
why can't you be one whole glass, one full screen, maybe with a few scratches but the cracks are too deep and you're falling apart.
stop falling apart.
i don't want you to crack all the way and become destroyed.
you're already cracked enough.
you've been dropped but fixed but dropped one too many times and you need a surgeon to help replace those shards you lost along your journey.

you're very oh so gentle and delicate.
maybe even one more drop can cause you to break completely.

you're such a flower.
so beautiful. but once you start picking at the leaves, it starts to decay. it starts to rot.
you pull off the pedals and mess with the stem, slowly suffering.
pull the flower out from the ground and you're a goner, you don't know how to replant, do you? no, you don't. so you die.

i don't want you to die.
i don't want to lose you.
my flower.
beautiful and powerful but yet so delicate and light.
so easily to be taken to the route of death.

i'm no flower.
i'm just a rock.
not beautiful.
not delicate.
but too rough and scarring.
i hate being a rock.

i break things.
i don't fix much.
i'm a burden.
i'll always be there.
in the corner looking at the flowers, but if i get too close i'll crush you and your beauty, your power.

i've crushed you enough as a rock.

i wish i could change
but i don't get to do anything different it seems like.
just a ******* burden on everything.
publishing old pieces i never showed the world. found these in my icloud notes and one-note.
E Jan 2020
past in time
too unaware
before looking
down on
myself

now in time
crystal clear
bias unbound
conclusions come
I’m faulty
of something I
could correct

self reflection
to be aware
keeps me
up at night
playing back
events in time
I could’ve
done right
Trying to play around with my writing style, I hope you guys don’t mind. <3
As 2019 comes to an end, I come to a place in my mind where I look back and hope to not repeat the same mistakes. I hope this year (2020) is one of even more growth, because I am not perfect and unconsciously I walk around egoistical since I’m more emotionally intelligent than those around me. But that shouldn’t make me treat them different and less than.
I need to spread more love and that’s what I’m all about.
E Sep 2020
uncommon grows normal
routine with procedure
getaways, paradise, heaven
bare, void, blank
air occupies what was
take afoot inside
think comfort, warmth
ignited with flames
books of wisdom
books of happy
books of reflection
raveled with devouring famine
scorching heat searing
the leather casing
the thin sheets
the purpose of it all
all that's left
crumbled cracking at the seams
indistinguisable at corners
words left legible
smack dab middle
with colors reminiscent
pouring white milk
into black coffee
only this time
an odor intoxicating as gasoline
E Jun 2021
body in a rage
blood bubbles rummaging
horns begin to make an entertrance
howls of shrieking agony
veins shattering
with pupils dilated and saliva trailing down my crimson stained lips
your best bet is to run.
get the **** away from me.
Previously unreleased from April of 2021.
E Jul 2019
Identity plays a big role in my everyday life.
My identity allows me to be prideful.
My identity teaches me about relationships and the sincerity of people.
My identity is like a tutor. If I wasn’t the way I am, I would be very ignorant, and I still learn new things everyday.
My identity makes me feel uncomfortable with my body.
My identity urges me to do things that would be weird, and let’s me be unique from everyone else around me.
My identity sometimes feels like a chore. My identity is a series of trials and tribulations.
My identity has taught me more about myself than anyone could even attempt. My identity has put me at risk.
My identity has led me to be a victim of ****** assault.
My identity is something that is sensitive and dear to me.
My identity doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.
something I wrote.. being a gender nonconforming transman.
E Aug 2020
what makes you feel granted
manhandling my memories
stirring up my experience
diagnosing with no credentials
gaslighting feelings of fear
forcing to question what happened
mind entering a storm
chaos now runs free roam
flashbacks and dreams
dialogue and overwhelming voices
speaking over another
talking me into a box
leaving me there alone
he pulls the chain around it
and imprisons me with a lock

my teeth chatter when I’m anxious
body starts to shake
hands begin to clench
skin feels wave of heat
and I start to feel faint
stomach tells me I’m in danger
heart throbbing in concert with a clock
my face emotionless and stale
as I try to mask what puts me in more danger
of not feeling collected and vulnerable
trusted if I break a sweat they’ll see
make a sudden movement and touch
touch my soft skin marked with scars
I question which body part is next
as I sit in a freezing shock
that limits my movement
ability to think
and speak
as hands go and *****
I scream so loud
but nobody hears me
I am silent
lips unmoved
internal thoughts crying
there is so much to say
but I can’t get myself to speak
and I want those ***** hands off
but I can’t seem to move
body paralyzed
I start unpacking this to the darkness
never to be opened for my safety
throwing away the feelings
destroying what it felt like
is better than keeping it alive
so please
don’t touch me like that
had a traumatizing day.
E Jun 2021
pieces of my puzzle are aligning
trauma and enlightenment go well together
it seems as though once you've hit rock bottom
the very top feels like heaven

a walking contradiction
how do you go from wanting to die
to living your life with authenticity

pieces fitting in shapes never seen before
pieces shifting sizes finishing the next assignment

a life on hold
holds very little to me

finishing my next task is today
but what is for tomorrow?
craving more isn't selfish
it's fulfilling
questions make me contemplative
unable to sleep at night
thoughts running for more
the adrenaline keeping me alive

pieces of my puzzle can break apart
pieces deceive me and don't actually fit
it is a lesson to look more closely

a piece has appeared
it's unclear where it goes
where it starts
where it ends
it will belong in due time
hello, it has been a long while since I published anything publicly. I've made one or two works this whole year in private but not a whole lot. poetry is relieving for me when I fall into depressive states not so much when I'm stable. But I am starting a new chapter in my life.
E Aug 2021
my body is simply not conventional
to the clothes I wear
there are dips and hills plastered on my figure
hanes doesn't take into account
my weight or my height
so pulling up the waistband
drills the cotton into my skin
with no room to breathe
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
the hunch back of Notre Dame meets
a protruding belly that widens my waist
when I wear shirts
fabric strangles my hips
displaying my grotesque body
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
aged binders do their best
pools of skin are dipping out the sides
my ribs ache and it's hard to ignore
when my body wails a cracking chaos
pain and overstimulation have crept into dreams
but I've gotten comfortable

my body is not conventional
to the clothes I wear
my body is not conventional
but it doesn't bring despair
my body is not conventional
and you can't begin to understand it
because it's too crippling to bear
it's staggering to peep into a mirror
seeing my being labeled unpleasant
with the unnerving urge to rip my eyes out
and splatter my blood on the glass
why don't I just break down and sit there
it's heavy to carry my weight and be hyperaware
it's easy to not care and maybe I'd take that route
but I'm not conventional
so I'm taking another way downstairs
Looked at my body, thought to myself, "my body is not conventional to the clothes I wear" and just had to write. It's 2am at night but when writing calls, I have no option but to answer.
there are multiple things I am referencing when I wrote this.
I am referencing that I am not conventionally attractive. My body doesn't hurt people but people are disgusted by it because of its transness, obesity and blackness. Certain clothes and undergarments physically and emotionally cause me harm. Most people would not understand the relationship I have with my body. I like it but there are times an instinct comes in and wanting to mutilate it to fit into standards of what's beautiful. Splattering my blood is my statement to society to how harmful standards and social norms affect me as a trans person. And lastly, being ignorant to these issues is a solution, not a great one, but because I refuse to partake in willful ignorance as most typical people do, I will manage these problems in a way that is healthy and different somewhere else. I hope this is explained well enough. Goodnight
E Jul 2019
Who am i
A stranger in the wind
Or a solider in disguise
Sometimes I feel I am both
But lost in what is an identity
Trying to find mine
my submission poem.
sun
E Sep 2020
sun
I am invisible,
no one can see me
with a giant mass overhead
blinding vision.
pain.
suffering.
riding into it's direction
grasp on reality begins to fade
the past behind you is forgotten
a lost memory
beams of light take over
becoming skyscrapers and airplanes
sweat falling into the eyes
temperature of skin burning up
her light cuffs you by the throat
dragging you forward to discover unknowns
whether it be the inside of your mind
or the weather around you
I see beads of water jumping upward from grass
tires leaving their signature on concrete
but her light erases every piece of evidence
she flickers a lighter and sets fire
to wet grass from the day before
and to the markings left made from wet tires
is her purpose only to erase?
she erases my mind to think. she erases my vision to see. she erases my comfort I rather lie in than to be in her presence.
Thinking about the beaming light of the sun when I have rode my bike.
E Jul 2020
never thought you'd be mine
here i am pulling on your strings
playing your melodies
while the texture plays me a memory

a lost boy running for his life
in the forest overrun
clones of himself can't escape
for he is his own greatest enemy

a boy with no features
no features of a boy
or what society deems
a boy with hairless skin
and effeminate lips
a boy with no regard to how high
the decibels of his voice was
a boy who ran on his feet while withering his chest
a boy who couldn't always take in deep breaths
a boy who chose how big or how small he wanted to show the world his ***** was
a boy who didn't exactly fit the narrative
a boy nonetheless

but is it now that i am a man?
is it now that when i touch the hair on my face, it makes me he?
is it the voice i desperately tried to craft? or is it my piece of clothing that binds the skin, and bone of my body?
is it my shoes and how they're bigger and longer? maybe it's my laugh and smile that gives it away.
maybe it's nothing at all.
and i'm deemed a man for a selfish binary who doesn't care about my traumatic experiences being hunted by my own mind.

she is blind to her crashing disaster.
she'll grant me with an immunity called privilege.
immunity from being recognized as a woman, and being treated as such by code.

but at least my ****** hair is tangible.
I was caressing my ****** hair and noticed it's getting really thick and coarse. Had to write about it because it's so odd knowing a version before the present me didn't have it, in this exact moment. It feels familiar yet so, foreign. It makes me question why ****** hair or anything deemed masculine is even masculine to begin with. Where did the labels come from? "at least my ****** hair is tangible" is to show, the system in which we uphold labels and micro labels can potentially be harmful, and in my case it is, but as an outcome I got something.
E Aug 2020
it feels like
a cup of coffee in a slow morning
a scorching shower when i'm depressed
a hit of potent dope when I escape
to replace my touch starved skin
a high at 4 AM that can never be replaced
E Aug 2019
he made me notice today
while we were driving home
that i broke the cycle.

he made me realize today
that i am different
and setting myself up for a good life.

he made me go in awe today
that i have become the confident young man
he always wanted me to be.

i broke the cycle of abuse
that was created to make me fail
and i have overcame it so fiercely.
i love you. im a papas boy.
E Jun 2020
it amazes me to come back
to the pieces of art that transcended
from my own mind
it's not comparable to the quiet
the lack of sound not allowing
for those regular thought processes

i saw a sign that introduced me to
thousands of tall green statues
have been being there before
walking in reminded me how it felt
to be numb and lost
overgrown grass, moss, and insects
took over what was

it's month two going onto three
there hasn't been any sign of people
nobody is out looking for me
the way out is guided with red yarn
it's visible, but impossible to see

having the comfort of silence
the heavy winds accompanied with destructive thunder
replacing my routine of what once was
nature having took over me

did it take me there on purpose?
is there a bigger purpose than what i can see?
was this a defense mechanism to the overcrowding fungus consuming my cerebellum? just how bad was this spore that spread into my lungs?

i underestimated the power of my thoughts, and they breached my sense of self, bringing me back to a place i hadn't thought to see again.

this is my time to test whether or not I am capable in the war of my mind. the fight never ended and i am geared up from recovery.
been very out of touch with myself since may/ late april. im starting to digest it, process it, and understand how to fix it. im not too big of a fan of my mind at the moment. It's too quiet and doesn't have me looking for the next thing to do.
E Jun 2021
my body is a topic that trails the mouths of a family at dinner
it is the trail of saliva that leaves shortly after breaking a heated kiss
always leaving a bitter taste

but when did you taste me?
when did I crawl into your mouth full of cavities?

existing as I am cements chains in people's root canals
a topic for discussion
my life to debate
trans people being the forefront
it is so inconvenient and sinful
and yet its the flavor on their seething lips

kissing one another trailing more saliva
knowingly trading hate with ones mind and lips
integrating more citizens and normalizing their behavior

transphobia is the topic for discussion
Previously unreleased from February of 2021.
E Apr 2020
I am summoned into court
The month of September
Being transgender is the trial to be fought
The jury doesn't know how to handle the situation
And nothing is fought

I am summoned months later
The year of 2016
Being transgender is why I'm there
The jury hasn't overcame their pain
And no solution to the chain

Years later I am summoned to court
A stage in my life I couldn't ever see
Being transgender is the reason
The jury has come to an agreement
That it's okay to ease in
There are trials (problems) you are summoned to.
And the jury is the headspace. (Emotions)
the verdict is atlways a lesson to be learned.

Trials reappear when the jury doesn't come to an agreement. And trials will reappear again and again. Until the verdict is learned.

I needed to learn how to fight for myself. Advocate. Never give up.
I needed to release the pain I was dealt. I needed therapy. I needed help alongside advocating for me.
And I was finally able to be my authentic self. To push through the waves of suffocating water and resurface.
E Jan 2021
little me, why so sorrow?
what makes you disconnect?

seeing your body in pictures
sent shivers down your neck
the rhythmic beating
pounding as an alarm
body restless
when will you get rest then?

little me, you waited quite a while
family's opinions turned vile
it didn't matter much
you never connected
only as much as
a charger is to phone

escapism buried her
when he could be online
reversing roles and affirming yourself
only gained so much self help
a tool to be unlocked

little me, you had blocks in front of you
you played with them as trial
until they weren't meanwhile
so what did it mean to you?
what did you learn?
how did you grow?
what did you learn?

little me, you're too young to understand
one day you'll find who I am
we've always been together
tight knit and forever
don't lose the game of cards  
unless you want your graveyard
Saw a picture of myself from about 6 or 7 years ago and felt inclined to write a message to myself then. If I met a younger version of myself, I wouldn't have told them everything that's happened so far. I would've just asked them why they do the things they do, and to think critically. having exposure to internet was great, but it did rot my mind.
E Oct 2020
You are quick to question but
Occupy cisheteronormativity mindlessly
Unprepared for queer identities

Assuming I lack knowing of myself
Reshuffling the same deck of cards
Engaging in a play of poker with hatred

Subjected to foul treatment
The words you spat
Unsolicited and unflattering
Chasing my mind endlessly
Kidnapping me hostage

I have been coated in sweltering biohazards
Nevermore to find protection and healing

To see another day seems impossible
If my own blood casts me away
Malevolence becoming motherly
Eliminating my mental health
,

Its those who think they are greater
Trailblazing a performative show
Sabotaging an already discriminated space

To go another day with your words
Itching down into my skin
****** becoming friendly
Envisioning how I'd feel left alone


From the moment you open your mouth
Orchestrating emotions like a ballad
Reconsolidating the toxic bond with binary

Can't seem to wake you up
Having to constantly do the work for you
And what am I left with
Naive justification and selfish excuses
Gravitate your energy into doing better
Exploitation is your entertainment
You are stuck in time, it's time for change. A thought I had in my head as I found myself frustrated that my younger sibling is being told the same unhelpful words towards her identity. Its 2020 and she needs a better experience than I did.

— The End —