sometimes being a woman just makes me feel angry
I often wonder, how many men have had to block someone’s number or profile,
or had to change their own number to be able to breathe easily anytime their phone goes off?  
I wonder if all the men who just mean well, meant they mean well when they get what they want

i have hated physical touch
since the age of seven
when the trajectory of my life
would change forever

vulnerable
soft
physical touch

would put a feeling in my stomach
that was pure nausea
the vulnerability aspect
would cause a panic within me

until you

i crave your touch
i crave your hands rubbing my back
i crave your heart beating to the same rhythm of mine
i crave your warm South African tan on my body

i have not felt so safe with someone

until you

thank you

if i am being honest
i did not think
i was capable of feeling loss
from a lover

i always left
before they could
even think of leaving

but you left

if i am being honest
i did not realize
i felt this way at first
about you

it was not until
i was ordering mcnuggets
that you always ordered

it was not until
i realized i started falling
asleep by hugging myself

it was not until
i realized it has been weeks of silence
yet i wake every morning waiting for a text

it was not until
i realized the best parts of my day
are what i want to tell you all about

it was not until
i realized i was craving
your soft gentle touch on my skin

it was not until
the nightmares would come and i would wake in panic
wanting you to hold me

i am sorry
i miss you

since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i have been hiding away
i have escaped to London
i have ran away again

where no one knows my name
where no one knows who i am
where no one knows what has happened to me

for the first time in my life i feel content
for the first time in my life i feel safe
for the first time in my life i am not afraid to feel

a city that has filled my cracks with love
a city that has filled my belly with laughter
a city that has filled my body with compassion

thank you for saving me London

come back alive
  no shade
     no dark sleek  over your own boxed remains
report in     to your family
we'll remove the war from your shoulder
hook up the soldier costume on our hallway peg
return the memory of life to you
we hope we can offer this ..

      ..but we’ve heard tumorous stories
        that   to the war boy returned
                      life   no longer does stick