I never noticed before
Just how much I like control.
Structure, routine.
These things keep me grounded.

I was always made to go with the flow;
The rules, never my own.
When I flip the pages and read my thoughts
I notice I never liked being torn away from focus.

I loved to sit and work on my passions,
Never cringing at myself for being interested.
I think I learned to dislike my interests
Because others didn't and that was cringe to them.

I was made to follow but told to be a leader,
I'll never know which is better or why.
I don't understand the logic or matter,
Can't everyone decide what's important?

For my parents it was tradition,
What was taught to them
and likely the people before,
The question is where does blame lie?

I would be ripped away from creativity,
To be forced to finish my plate and more,
Promised desserts I never received,
To instead dissociate and remain unfree.

I think this was so damaging to me.

My mom took me back through her thoughts,
Shared stories of how troublesome I was,
She said I always had issues
with being torn away from my tasks.

Tells me it wasn't serious,
But she and others beat my ***.
I have to wonder how I felt then.
I was only three and hurt so often.

I decided to skip the yelling eventually,
I'd go to the corner for thinking differently.
Until I would turn and say okay to my mom,
Who'd laugh at me for being upset.

It's interesting how she doesn't see it.
I have always had a hard time with transitions,
Child, teenager, adult, it's been hard.
And I am going to learn why.

i go to a mind
sometimes that is different
here i am again

Liberty bell has rung for the
longest time friends come and go
All the time why can't it be
     The best news*
I ever heard in a long time
Sleepless nights at bedtime
Sunset opens worth waiting for
     Healing- time -heart

We are on Prime- Time
  Long healing coffee
Anytime peace of mind

Waiting for the right time
How come its more the wrong time
We all work fulltime long hours
Hits you in a whole lifetime
Nothing heals I love my trees
Maple cherry blossom wild flowers
Having strong bold coffee in
the Eiffel Towers  


The train is coming but
the wrong one
All alone holding time
With your coffee cup
Please stop to think
Stirring my coffee
Long wait sometimes life stinks
 
Cell phones and so many links

Long sip- my- neck- out
 Amazon jungle long time -out  
      Long night-out
 
   Long wait hooked like a bait
Please God! I cannot wait
     
      *        *        *        *        *

Long sip Villa- man dressed Vet
He stuck his neck out to her
mind and body set

you do not get better
and stay the same what i do
is different now

i stood in my new flat today
counting the spins the fan
made in its centre.
an americanism, too out of body
for me to keep an eye on.
what now?
but to wait till the inertion sickness
crawls its way from the soles up to oesophagus.

tilt back till back flat against the black flat floor.
(i hated that sentence but it needed some air.)
wondering if i can melt beneath the new money wood,
can i stand upside down,
ankles halo’d in my space and my head in the neighbours.

the hallway to the bedroom where he sleeps a little more soundly
now i’m out the bed,
dares me to leave him alone.
“you’ve clawed this distance out” i murmur back.
“i can trace it in the skirting boards.”

sitting up i go to close the window
and lock it, unlock it and smile at the little piece of freedom
i can’t ever give back.

In shadows cast, I stand alone
An outcast in a world unknown
Misunderstood, a soul apart
I bear the weight of my wounded heart.

In crowded rooms, I fade away
An echo lost in the disarray.
Invisible threads, they pass me by
A silent tear, my whispered cry.

Yet, in my solitude, I find solace
Embracing uniqueness with fierce promise
For within these depths, a light will shine
A beacon of truth, no longer confined.

Though different paths, we all may tread
I'll wear my outcast cloak with grace, instead
For it's in the margins where I find my might
A symphony of colors, painting my plight.

So let me wander, let me roam
An outcast's spirit, forever my home
For it's in this journey, unbound and free
I embrace my truth and claim my destiny

Look at the hippo,

then you'll cease to be amazed --


at human beings.

oil and water will always blame the other for being too extreme. there is a natural separation and naturally, a lot of blame.

how easy it is to feel self righteous in your rigidity, even in the presence of the one point in a glass where they meet. there, it is a softer rejection, a gossamer thin border, as if it resigns, “here, we exist as two separate we’s, stacked on top of one another, and that is as much as i will relent.”

what a shame it is to accept the shape of a container, but not the shape of one another. what a stab it is to my heart that you repel me, and i you, no matter how much i wish and struggle and vigorously shake us both hoping that this time, it will be different. what a pity it is that i’m me and you’re you and we’re not anyone else and it will remain unchanged, like you and i.

i could feel better if i knew you didn’t want it to be this way. that this life is just impossibly cruel and it’s nobody’s fault but the universe and the gods and whoever else made it my nature to resist you.

i plead silently for one more good stir, one more fair shot. it might work this time.

our shoulders brush slightly again. and i cry thinking that if you were to wipe my tears, they’d bead up and roll off of your hands.