There are traces of you
Left in my memory
A flash of your smile here
A laugh there
Reminding me
How loved I was
And how much I loved
Being in this world
The joy I found even in
The most mundane moments
I spent by your side
And I am filled
With an endless peace

I'm drowning here
My tears and fears
Pooling up around me
All the pain I've ever felt
I'm sinking
Slowly but surely
Eaten alive
By the demons within
Heart shredded to pieces
Stomach torn apart
Ribcage shattered
Puncturing my lungs
Murdered from the inside
Is this suicide?

I can't ******* do it

I miss peace
I miss stability
The days before I knew rage
Before I worried
My pain would consume me
The days when I didn’t feel
Like I could never be whole again
Before I was aggressive
Abusive
Before I shook and stuttered
When I wasn’t afraid
To claim my space
I miss the days
When I didn’t feel
So **** disconnected

Another year passes
Aging but not changing
Like I’m stuck
In an endless loop
The highs and lows
Come and go
But they never really go
Hibernating for days, weeks,
Maybe months at a time
If I’m lucky
But I’m never lucky, am I?
This might be the worst birthday yet

You've always just assumed
That your love was one sided
There was no way I could
Ever return those feelings
And all this time
You've been so wrong about me
I've been afraid in the past
Of those feelings
Of what being with you would mean
But that fear went away
A long time ago
Replaced by the reality
That our lives went in different directions
That certain things don't work anymore
But none of that changes
The feelings that I had for you
That I have for you
That I'll always have for you

What do I say
When I can't find words
Unsure how to respond
My heart is failing
To give me direction
Have I made
The right decisions
Is this how I'll feel
For the rest of my life
So unsure of myself

It has been four months
To the **** day
Since you posted last
And I find myself
Searching your name
Trying to find a new
Piece of you
Written somewhere on
This ******* site
I must be pathetic
It's been so long since
We even talked to each other
And we've both
Moved on with our lives
What the hell am I doing
Desiring your words
Like never before