Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

How can I put it into words?
How can I tell you how I feel ripped and folded at the same time
In a way that hasn't already been said?
Words don't escape me
They lay before me
Already formed into every combination
Stolen and used up
By someone else who's hurting
Until all that's left to say
Are words I've already said:
I'm just really really lonely

I don't even really know what I want to say anymore, but I want to say *something* . I want to tell someone, but I don't know how to say it when it's already been said a thousand different ways.

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

School Day

I'm still learning
To talk about what happened
I'm still learning
That I went through a trauma
I'm still learning
That it wasn't my fault
I'm still learning
That I couldn't have done anything
I'm still learning
To admit that I'm still broken
I'm still learning
That it's okay to say it out loud
I'm still learning
That it wasn't handled right
I'm still learning
That it still affects me 13 years later
I'm still learning
That even though they told me I couldn't tell anyone, it's okay for me to tell the people I trust, or whoever the hell I want
I'm still learning
That I'm strong and brave and loved
I'm still learning
That I am not damaged goods
Just because I'm still learning
How to be a person again

I won't say that I already know these things or even that I'm fully convinced. But I will admit that I'm still learning, and that's okay.

#trauma #abuse #hurt #past #imstilllearning #strong #brave #loved #voice

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Delusions of Safety

I finally opened up
After all your prying
And you still didn't understand
How hard that was for me to do.

When you've been through trauma especially at the hands of someone close to you, you find that your trust is broken and hard to reassemble for anyone. And when you finally get the courage to speak, all you want to do is tell them how hard it was for you to say.

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Wholly

You may be beaten
But you can still heal
Your hands may hurt
But you can still provide relief
Your skin may be bruised
But you can still soothe others
You aren't weak just because you're broken
You can still make others whole.
You aren't limited by your own shattered flesh.

I'm still learning that even though I'm not doing well, I can still support the ones I love. You can still be a physician even with a broken leg.

#help #hope #sad #broken #whole #wholly #heal #healed #shattered #hurt

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Two Halves

I'm constantly torn between
"Don't be rude" and
"Don't let them push you around"

Opinions? I'm struggling with this today. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let anyone push me into something that makes me uncomfortable, but the other part of me is telling me not to be rude and just to deal with it. There are too many details to write them all here, but shouldn't it be okay for me to stand up for myself?

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Today I Was Good To Myself

Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

I have such a hard time letting myself relax and not be productive, and it's so true that if you don't give yourself a break sometimes, your body will force you to take one. I caught up on rest after having been awake for 23 hours straight on Saturday. And now I'm laying across the foot of my bed with soft music playing, and a book on one side, my tea on the other. I'll call my mom at 8 and then I'll go back to bed. Today I was good to myself.

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Navigation Processor

My eyes hurt
I'm bone weary
Sore in many places
And too weak and exhausted to even cry
And I'm driving home
In the gray twilight
And all I wish
Is that I were going home
To crawl into the arms of someone
Soft
And warm
Who would cradle me until I fall asleep
And hold me until I wake

Feeling really lonely tonight. But it's fine. I'm just tired.