"There's a lot of stories
In every cigarette.
A lot of stories in
The one
Stained with my
Lipstick.
A lot of reasons
For the smoke making
Curly pictures
In my lungs.

"I'm smoking
a childhood,
Rolled in
Domestic violence
Court case
Papers,
And I'm drinking
Hope
For a future
I let go of
Years ago.

"The bags under
My eyes
Are packed with
Late nights of worry,
For my high school
Sweetheart's
Troubled adolescence,
And struggle for recovery.
I couldn't even
Fully close them.

"The slouch in my
Shoulders,
Is from giving up
The fight,
For a better life,
A better me,
It's made from
Acceptance of my
Lowly state,
And self pity.

"The tobacco scent,
Combined with
Other things...
Between my pointer
And middle
Fingers,
Is made of
Many meetings,
And hugs,
From family who
Didn't
Love
Me.

"Who am I?
Look at me.
I am possibility.
The eulogy for your
Battered youth,
And the future
You could have had.
I'm you,
If you let go."

His mouth opens slightly
Releasing smoke
From the big cigar
To float away
Silhouetted by the small town lights.
Windows rolled down
We shiver against the winter air
Blasting into the car,
Puffing cigars
And holding hands.

I was drunk a few nights ago,
The real
“Can’t walk without help” kind.
And I called him
Because I forgot
We had broken up.

“Are you happy with your decision?”
He asked in a calm
Gentle voice,
Patient as always.
“No.”
No.
“But I wouldn’t have been happy either way.”
“Okay.”

I didn’t text him to apologize,
I thought about it,
But that’s as far as I got.

“Do you feel better or worse?”
My friend asked.
“I don’t know.”

I’ve only been single since
Thursday,
And some guy already asked me out.
But all it did
Was remind me,
That I don’t want someone else.

I don't know that most people
believe me
when I say I've changed.
I took surviving my suicide attempt
as an opportunity
to try and never get to that point again.

I realized
how lonely
my body was,
with my heart so far away from it.

I crashed back into myself,
and felt the sting in every
nail bitten
finger tip.
Inspected all the sore parts of my body,
touched my temple
and let myself think again.

I've been walking around
as a body
with the rest of me dragging behind,
Because I wanted to hurt less,
but so
much
more
damage was done.

Yet,
it's still better to be back
and feel the pain
than it was to run away.

I tell people I've changed
but they don't know
that crashing back into myself
changed me so much.

I took what could have been an end,
and made it give me new life.

Run my fingers
Down my own body,
Find the peace of my own company

I’m all alone.

I’m all alone,
But my salt lamp is glowing a pink lowlight,
And my sheets are fresh and soft.

I’ve trained myself
Not to miss anyone too much,
To keep my mind busy
With responsibility
And various fancy,
And to care for my body
With my own soft hand,
To not need a man,
Or a woman,
Not anyone.

I’ve learned how to live
In the lowlight
Of my bedroom
On my own,
To romance myself,
To tuck myself in,
To keep a pillow
Laying beside me
To hide the need
For a second body
While I sleep.

Technology is amazing,
It can make us forget
How sad we are
With artificially induced
*******.
Human touch
Is no longer necessary,
There’s a hundred different ways
To mimic it.

As long as I stay distracted.

As long as I keep going...

I won’t miss him.

I won’t think about
Not feeling like enough,
Or being too much.

I can find peace
Between my own legs.
I can hold myself.

The car is parked in the driveway
The keys hang loose in my hand
My forehead is pressed
Against the steering wheel.

Failure.
A word sticky on the lips
Like cheap lipstick,
But it stays like stain.

Today I am
vindictive,
Ugly,
and harsh.

I'm a wine
left to turn to vinegar.
Once red,
fine,
and precious,
but bitterness is all that's left.

Tonight the soft skin
of the secret parts of my body
I shared with you are hard,
and covered with a scally armor,
like a cunning snake.

This night,
I am jealous,
and cold.
The scheming
spiteful queen
from the pages of a book.
The horned monster
in the woods.

This morning is
a gentle pale blue,
painted with fire,
to burn the wicked witch.
You rallied the mob,
armed them with pitchforks,
and now,
if it's a villain you want,
it's a villain you shall get.

Because this,
this monster...
Is who I must be.
You screamed into the hearts
of my loved ones
that this is who I am.

After all,
you've never lied before,
have you?

That dark thought is always
In my head.
Like an air bag ready to go off,
A “just in case.”

It’s the words that function
As padding in a cell
I’ve trapped myself in.

“If it gets too hard, I don’t have to be here.”

A full stomach
Feels like giving up.

The sky is a beautiful blue
Above this field of dandelions
Gone to seed.
I laid down in them,
And the soft puffy seeds flew around me,
I breathed them in
And they filled my lungs.
Now I can’t breathe
I’m suffocating,
And it’s so beautiful.

Flick of my wrist
And I'll have you at my feet,
If our fight is a conversation
Between our blades,
Mine is shouting
Yours blaring cowardice and fear.

Faint heart never won fair lady,
And fair lady always wins
Over faint hearts.
I'll slip my sword
Between your smart remarks,
And carve myself a plea.

I'll have you begging for mercy
In the flick of a sentence,
Rhymes have never locked me in,
But my rhythm will rattle your bars,
And knock your knees.

If you're looking to battle me,
I may as well weave you a rope
Of my poetry
To hang yourself on,
Because this is a fight I've already won.
Now excuse me,
I'm going to enjoy my lovely mug of tea.

Glass shatters,
Chains clatter,
Sparks spray the air from
Steel on steel.
Your eyes tell me
You're ready to run.

The clash of
Iron on iron
Fear my waving fire,
I'll set your rhymes
Ablaze,
But most of all my child
Beware me,
For I am as
The Bandersnatch.

Don your armor,
Lock your doors,
You dare,
March against I, your terror,
Your fear?
I've become a raging fire
In the night,
And you a field of golden hay.

Shy away from my skill
with the blade,
And try to evade my words,
Crafted with a time seasoned hand.
Be afraid, little one,
Of the fury in my iron verses.
But most of all my child
Beware I, the Bandersnatch!

My body is terrified.
Clenched up
Hunched in on itself,
Terrified.

My fear tells me
To run,
Because if I stay
I’ll make everything worse.

But I can’t.

Because I won’t create a reality
That would make it
Impossible
For me to come back to you.

I may be terrified,
But I won’t saw off
My leg
Because of a fracture.

I won’t ever leave,
Because I will always
Want to come back.

He feels like water,
Running up and down my body,
No pause without purpose,
No movement without meaning.
He feels like
I was dropped
Into a pool
Of pleasure,
And he’s enveloping me.

Do you feel that?
It’s hunger.
Plain, raw animalistic instinct,
Hunger.

The fat girl wants her fix.

The ex
Skinny
Queen *****
Is hiding away in her room,
Dreaming.
Dreaming of trans fats and sticky
Perfect
Corn syrup,
Of powdered, fluffy,
Luxurious sugar,
And crispy, crinkly,
Crackles on your tongue,
Against your teeth
Deap fried
Junk calories.

While she lusts after that feeling
Of being too full to be awake,
Drifting off into sleep,
Entrancing herself with flavor and sensations,
She pinches the skin over her ribs and stomach.
She rolls the soft fat
In her hands,
To remember.

Remember you’re fat.

Remember you aren’t enough.

Don’t eat.

It isn’t worth it.

Oops,
She opened the door.
The gates have swung open
And out spills grease,
And glorious salt,
And sweet confections.
The sweet taste of self loathing.

That *******
Build up
To the cravings finally being met.
That comfort of knowing there’s food,
there’s food that no one can take out of her hands.

Do you feel that?
Hunger.
Basic survival
Reminder
Hunger.

I will only
Let him kiss me
While we’re tangled up in bed.

At dinner we are friends.

I will only let him hold me
In private,
Far from the eyes of anyone who would question it.

We walk down the street
Side by side
Never touching.

He tells me about her,
How he doesn’t understand
Whether or not she loves him.

It takes an hour or so
Of holding each other
Before we decide to be
Truly affectionate.

I’ve set myself up
For a good deal of heartbreak.

I’m stronger than you,
I want you to know that.

Before I was strong enough to love me
I made myself strong enough to love you.
Before I was strong enough to get through a night by myself
I made myself strong enough to talk you through your earliest AM.
When I was so angry with you I couldn’t breathe
I would pick up the phone, I would choose to love you anyway.

Love isn’t having warm fuzzy feelings all the time.
Love is feeling like ****
And still putting the other person first.
Love is being betrayed
And taking care of you anyway.

Love is more than you feel for me.

You care for me,
I don’t question that you care for me.
But I love you with an iron will you don’t have.
I love you with a power you have never felt.
I love you like a mother feeding her child while she goes hungry.
I love you like as a person dying, but asking still if you’re in pain.

You don’t have that strength.

You can choose that strength,
Or I can choose myself.

There was queen Ann's lace
And yellow wild flowers
Up to our knees.

I can breathe with you.

There were gentle raindrops
Whispering on our faces.
Sock feet entwined,
Suspended in the air
Guarded by two trees
At dusk.
Your warm body pressed
Against mine.

I can feel calm with you.

I wrinkled my yellow dress
In the water softened rocks
On the sunset beach.
You mumbled profanity
At your camera,
And I couldn't stop smiling.
There you were
With me,
And with
Me.

I can feel with you.

It was in the moment
With my hand
Gripped in yours
Pressed up against your lips
That I knew,
And knew you did too.
Your hazel eyes
Gave it away,
Filling my heart,
And breaking it with your sadness
All at once.

I love you.

In a tender moment,
Softly touched
By sunlight,
You signed "beautiful"
On my face.
Your soft lips are slowly
Soothing the bad memories
Away.
Replacing them with
Golden hour baked
Love.
You've become
The most welcoming home
I've ever had.

I can be loved by you.

I brushed on
My pink lipstick,
And you combed down
Your damp hair,
Every few moments we exchanged
A kiss,
It was so amazingly ordinary.

I can feel natural with you.

Your head
Rested on my chest,
Because I know the softest grass
Under my favorite tree,
And like my secret writings,
You shared it with me.

I can feel safe with you.

You make a poet
Lose her words,
In the moment
You speak love,
Where I am speechless with warmth,
So here's my love.

I
Love
You

You are sunshine
In my life.
Warming, beautiful, tender, loving,
Sunshine.

His face is sunshine
and his hands are kindness,
his body is warmth,
and his smile is relief.

Come
Let me show you
What it is to be inside
My body.

Experience having hot blood
Rush to the back of my neck
And color my cheeks
When burning anger and shame.

Feel the tattoos
Carefully grown in my hours of darkness
Seeds of ink
Planted
And coaxed to the surface.

Feel the balmy spring afternoon
Bring shining droplets if sweat
To my forehead.
Let me write my body around you.

Breathe the harsh toxic fear
And feel it in my lungs.
Fill my nose with the smell
Of green growth
Before the sunrise.

Feel what I feel.

Live inside my skin with me.

Because I don’t know how else
To explain myself to you.

It was then,
Laying in bed
In a dark basement room.
Brains blurry
Recovering from mild intoxication.

It was that night.

Nothing was the same
After that night.

The basement
Had that damp cooling air
Of being under the earth,
It was pleasant on our
Bare bodies.

Your rented suit
A crumpled heap on the floor
And my dress
Tossed aside.

A lone candle  
Flickered in the dark,
Casting light into our wine glasses.

Our breathing had only
Just slowed
When you told me
You thought of leaving,
Not that you’d ever do it,
But you’d thought about it.

If you ever want
To preform
An autopsy
On our relationship,
Cut into the inner workings,
Inspect the organs,
Find out how it died...
You’ll discover a cancer
Left over
From that night.

I never looked at you
The same way.

Our wine glasses glowed red
With the contents of our first
Bottle of wine.
We were drinking
The maroon
Slow acting poison of distrust
And resentment.

Molly,
Molly Jane.

I never told him that was going to be your middle name,
He just knew he was going to name you Molly,
But I thought of you as Molly Jane.

You were going to be perfect.

We were going to be perfect.

You were going to have little ginger curls
And big hazel eyes,
And chubby legs,
And your father’s pout.

We were all going to love each other.

I never knew how we would make it work
But I knew we would love each other.

He didn’t.

He didn’t love me.

He loved the idea of us,
He loved wiping away a broken woman’s tears
And fixing her.
That was what he loved.

But Dillon,
Regardless of what I drunkenly slurred to my family tonight,
You’re no fool.
You knew in your gut you needed more than that,
And when you look inside yourself,
You know that’s all it was.
It wasn’t me you loved.
You loved being needed.
At least for a while...

I’m not a charity case.
You don’t get to be with me
Out of pity.

But I wanted you.

I’m a woman at war with myself,
Trying to recover from the whiplash you left me with.

All I know
In the pit of my stomach
Is you’re both gone.
Molly Jane,
And Dillon.

“They don’t get to decide
Who you are
Based off of whatever fragment
Of you
They see.

“You’re you.
You’re not someone else
Just because someone thinks you are.
That’s a dangerous way of thinking.

“Honey, you cant keep letting people
Tell you what you are.
You don’t stop being you
Because they said you’re something else.
All they see are fragments,
Never the complete you.
So what right does anyone have
To tell you
What you are?

“Stop finding your identity
In other people.”

“I want to be friends again...”

That’s all I wanted.

“...for her sake.”

That’s when I realized
I cared a hell of a lot more
Than he ever did.

“He’s just trying
To
Get in
Your pants.”

“He’s just going to use you.”

“He’s only your friend
Because
He’s going to try and have *** with
You.”

“He’s a bad influence.”

“He’s got no redeeming qualities.”

But he,
He is the one sitting with me tonight.
He was the one to hug me tight
And dry my tears.
Not any of you.

Today my face shattered.

Every fleck of skin
A memory,
I am an intricate collage  
Of our time together.

Every part of my body
Exploded,
I am just a trillion
Tiny pieces
Floating around the room.

There isn’t a part of me
That you didn’t know,
Didn’t touch.

I can’t find anywhere in me
That you didn’t invade.

The private comforts
And hidden parts
Of my body,
Tea, pens, candles, antiques, beer, work gloves, socks, and scarves,
They all have memories of you there.
I can’t enjoy the things
That make me feel happy
Without feeling you hiding there.

Today I shattered,
And every microscopic piece
Shivering in the sunlight
You touched.

This morning I woke up
with the wound up tight
feeling in my chest
from a panic attack.

I started having anxiety
in my sleep again.

That hasn't happened
in a long,
long
time.

There's a place
Growing in the back of
My head.
The bricks are watered
By discomforts and
Depression.
The Windows are
Sprouted
In earth composed of a mixture of
Anxiety and PTSD.

I want a home where
Your shadows
Are as familiar to the walls
As a spouse.
Where you can hide,
But feel like you don't have to.

I want your peels of laughter  
To litter my living room
Floor,
Your smiles to stain
My ceiling fans,
And your tears to fill my kitchen
Sink.

I want a home
Of grace and charity
Where I can protect the broken
And pained.
The image is growing in
The back of my head,
The need is rooted in my skull.
The blasting heat
Of your parent's anger,
Is the sun
For it's photosynthesis.

We can have midnight
Conversations
At the kitchen table,
Where you can
Unscrew the bolts in your
Iron
Armor
And let loose the demons
You've been trapped with,
To burn in our
hot water heater.

There's a place I want for you,
A home cultivated by
Your brother and I,
A loving hideaway
For Grace and Charity.

I’m a rain cloud today,
Low hanging,
Dark,
Heavy.
Full
And trying to release.

Take a spoonful of expectation
And stir it into your coffee.

Let the steam encircle your face,
Leak into your ears
And up your nose.
Let the promise of the future you want
Poison your today
And your tomorrow.

Hopes are just pieces of paper
In a furnace,
And goals are ants
Under a spyglass.

I’m trying to cope.
I’m trying to move forward,
It isn’t working.

I'm taking control
of the memories you left me with.
I'm taking away your power
to hurt me with your past self.
I'm holding the noose
around your neck,
white-knuckled,
and as *******
as hell after a rainstorm.

I won't bat away reminders of you
out of fear
anymore,
but because I choose to.
Your bad memories
won't stop me from holding
the man I love.

You don't get to ruin my life.

I couldn't stop you
from hurting me then.
But I can stop you
from hurting me.

I'm going to keep building a life
for myself,
because I **** well
decided to.
Not because the past
magically went away,
not because I was magically healed
of trauma...
but because I'm digging my heels in
and saying no.

I'm taking ownership
of my past relationship,
I'm taking ownership
of my mistakes.
I'm not locking them up
out of fear anymore,
not because I feel like
I'm a child again
and I can't protect myself,
but because I'm a woman
and I can,
and I'm angry,
and I own what has been done to me.
It's under my command.

I'm going to blaze into
my twentieth year
like a hornet
that had been trapped and shaken
in a jar,
who just had the lid removed.

I have ownership
over my brain.

Strings run from my mouth,
Held by my toes,
I have a hollow feeling in my stomach
Listen to the echo.

My body is carved from wood,
And my insides are hollowed out,
Pull my strings
And listen to me talk
Talk
Talk
About what matters to me,
It falls empty on ears
That don't want me.

You had a blank look
On your eye lids this time.
You've always kept your eyes closed,
But there used to be a painting
Above your eyelashes,
Of whatever you wanted to see,
So introquet
In colorful make up
To make up for what you muddled up
In your brain,
Older sister.

You've never been pleased with me.
I'm not tuned to the sound of your stories
About our family,
We're not broken
In the way that is most convenient for you.

I feel like you've latched on to my strings
That you're pulling on them
As hard as you can
Trying to tear me apart
Because you'd rather see me fall
Than have me be
Someone who isn't what you want.
And yes
My strings
You won't let go of
Are tugging at my brain,
They're attached somewhere
Where I hold fear,
But they won't break.

You can talk all you want
You can lie all you want
But all you'll get from me
Is an echo
From the empty feeling in my stomach,
Because as far as you are concerned
I'm nothing but an instrument
In an orchestra
Who won't obey the conductor
Our father.
So what is my music worth,
If you won't listen?

I suppose
maybe I fancied
that the past can grow into my hair.

That all the hands that touched it
don't wash out.
That all the lustful looks
at my childhood scalp
wove their way
into the strands.

And all of my
self-loathing and hate
attached itself
from my brain
to the roots,
and grew out into
the red.

That's probably why I cut it off
so many times.

Sweet little shop girl,
always smiley,
always happy,
That's what they tell me,
"little miss sunshine."

They don't know,
they don't know,
that I wake up some mornings before the sun does
to make them their morning coffee
with the weight of his hands still on me.

And none of them
will ever know.

That messed up feeling
in your stomach
when you've avoided sleep
until the sun came up.

Have you ever known it?
The tightness in your jaw,
the pain in your head,
from jamming
your molars together.

Have you ever stayed up
so late
that your body started to shake?

And suddenly
you're cold sweating,
and your eyes are burning,
you feel sick all the next morning,
maybe even the whole day.

Have you ever had a nightmare about the man who sexually assaulted you?

I have.

Stop making decisions
You know are bad.

I couldn’t get the people in my life
To care,
So I tried winning the hearts of strangers.

Only a matter of moments
Going the wrong way
Around the sun
Would take me back
To before
Your identity.

One day I woke up,
And you were bleeding
other people.
In a million different colors,
And never ending faces.
I woke up,
And you were no longer small.
You were something that
Could put planets on a leash,
And puzzle piece together
Entire new people
In your mind.

But little brother,
I still treasure
Your simple inexperienced lines
From long ago.
The crooked hand,
And the claw like
Umbrella
Seeming to crash down
On a raincoat figure.

I spilled water on the sheet of copier paper
You printed your masterpiece
Out on for me,
Smudged the rainbows,
Bled yellow into the raindrops.
But I love it.

This beautiful imperfect
Reminder
That you were once
A child.

“I am hoping
To hang your head

On my wall
In shame-“

I let my body become breathless,
A battered rag doll
Willingly letting
The life
Slowly trickle out of my nose
Drip down my lips
And vanish
Into the musty air.

“I want to wear

Your smile on my sleeve
And break

Your heart like a horse
Or it’s leg.”

I have a small life,
It only stretches a span
Of about five miles.
My bed
To my job.
It used to go on
For hours
And find you
In your darkest moments.
I would travel on grungy
Public transportation
Just for your
Sunshine smile.

“I want to call you thine

To tattoo mercy
Along my knuckles.”

Tattoo mercy
Across my neck,
Plead for the life giving
Powers
Of my own throat
As I feel the oxygen drain from me
In all too familiar
Panic.

“I hope

To have you forgotten
By noon.”

You were my
Most consistent
Safe place.
I wanted to cradle your dreams
And worries in my arms
And restore your love of life.
I love you.
You were the first person
I could look at
And know that my love for you
Could cause a moon landing.
And I never want
To forget that feeling.
I go back to it
In the middle of the night
When I feel incapable
Of doing good.

But you’re trying to break my heart.

And that will not stand.

Do you want to be in a relationship?

Yes.
Do you?

Yeah.

He loved her more than me.

She was this beautiful force,
Living in the night,
She could even pull him back into bed
In the day,
Keep him there,
Keep him from me.

She was soft and strong,
She never wanted to let go.
I could always see her face
In his eyes,
Looking back at me,
Gloating over her prize.

I could reach into his flesh,
And try to dig out his heart,
But her hands were always there,
There before me,
And they’re there now,
After me.

He never loved me like he loved her.

He never loved anything like he loved her.

I can’t come second to a mindset.

I won’t come second to nighttime plague.

He loved his depression more than he loved me.

Hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you.
Take every hurtful thought
That's ever skipped through
My head and out of my mouth,
And use it as a reason
To hate yourself.
But pull my body
Close to yours,
And let me feel your warmth.

Hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you.

Do you think of all of my
Anxiety induced harmful
Ramblings,
As my fingers trace
Pretty patterns on your skin?
Do you hold me
While you hold my shameful fear
In your ears?

Do you feel me loving you
As you embrace me?
Or are you holding
A hot piece of metal,
Against your bare skin,
Letting it
Sink in,
And sear,
Make your flesh bubble
And smoke?

Do you hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you?

I want a place
To rest in,
A home
So badly
It makes me ache

Would you like
A frosty glass
Of water on the side
Of your pride?
I know it's hard to swallow.

What am I?
A flamboyant distraction,
A toy,
With bright, eye-catching colors,
And movable parts
To be bent into shapes,
And a body to pose
In stop motion photographs
Only when I'm pretty,
All you,
And I,
Want to see.

Who am I?
A dull solid noise
Silently constant in a room
Unnoticed when gone,
Desperately trying
To be pleasing
To the ear.
I'll go over your head
In a whip crack of your
Sentence,
Or straight to the floor
At your
Feet.

Where am I?
In the cushioned rubber room
Of my own scull.
In the closing trap of my ribs,
In the safest,
Most dangerous place I can be
His touch.

I am,
Painted damage.
A plastic surgeon's jigsaw puzzle
Masterpiece
After a train wreck.
But when the lights are out
You can see the real me,
I am damage,
Failure,
A loss,
A handicap,
Left behind,
Unlov-

NO.
STOP.

I am,
Not your mistakes,
But what I learn from mine.
I am,
Not what or who loves me back,
Or a display of funhouse
Mirrors
In the insane asylum
I built to hide in.

I am,
We are,
Incomplete
Works of art.
With not enough strokes of paint,
With much more wonder to add
To our canvases.
I am the person underneath
The problems I see,
I am a student
Learning
To be
Me.

If ever you wanted to hold me

If ever you wanted to tell the truth

If ever you wanted to love me

If ever you wanted to put your hand behind my head as we crashed hips in bed

If ever you wanted a future

Please

If I had a coffee shop,
I'd call it The Lullaby.
There'd be sleepy yellow light,
And beer mugs full of
Iced tea.

I'd know all of the town
Gossip,
And hug the people who
Need it.
I'd have sandwiches
For rainy days,
And warm pastries
For snowy days,
And Potato salad
For hot days.

If I had a coffee shop,
Old men would sit at the bar,
Sipping their simple coffees,
And whining about the weather,
And the problems
With their cars.
If I had a coffee shop,
Old women would tell me
My cakes are made
The way their mothers used to
Make them,
And I'd serve them tea
In thriftstore
Missmatch teacups.

I'd fill my little Lullaby,
With work by unknown artists,
And strange trinkets I took
A fancy to,
And have books
About old actors,
And books meant to be
Read in a crowd
So you can imagine
The lives around you.

If I owned a coffee shop,
I'd play songs from musicals,
And garnish things
With mint leaves
And strawberries.
I'd have madalines
And my mother's coffee cake,
And her soup too.

If I had a coffee shop,
Maybe I could meet you.

Have you ever seen
A pumpkin spice
Volkswagen van?

Have you ever smelled
The sick scent
Of your best friend
Laying on your kitchen floor
Covered in her own *****?

Have you ever seen
A girl naked
Having her stomach purged
Of all the poison she put in her body?

Have you ever been too shaky
To walk in a straight line
The next day?

Have you ever gone to work
The day after you tried to **** yourself?

Have you ever told your boss
You might be gone for a week
Because you needed to go to the psych ward,
And had her angry with you
Because she was going to be short staffed?

Have you ever had someone who was once
One of your best friends
Tell you he would do the bare legal minimum
For you?

Have you ever known
That you will never trust anyone
Ever again?

Have you ever woken up
Next to a man who
****** you
After you finished puking your guts out
Because you tried to **** yourself?

Have you ever only remembered
Bits and pieces of having *** with him?

Have you ever seen
A pumpkin spice
Volkswagen van?

I have a rain cloud
In my pocket.
It comes with me everywhere.
It carries
The pain of the people I love most.

My best friend
Wants to hurt herself

Again,

My lover's
Emotionally abusive mother
Is yelling things in his direction

Again,

Some boy I barely know,
Is telling me how much
He hates his life,

Again,

I try to let it go,
But it follows me around
And rains on my head,
As if tied to my wrist
Like a balloon.

My sister
Wants me to forgive our father,
And gloss over his damaging tendencies,

Again,

My mother
Wants me to smile,
And tell her she's always right,

Again.

I hold everyone
In my life
In a rain cloud in my pocket.
I like to hide it,
But the lightning
Itches at my nerves,
And the thunder is always
In my ears.

It's been years,
But I'm still me.
I'm still listening to whoever needs me,
And watering my rain cloud.
Taking bits of stratus,
And cumulonimbus,
From above people's heads,
And packing them with my own.

And never owning up to
What's wrong with me
Is I can't take care of you,

Again