When I was in an abusive relationship, I told myself I deserved it. I told myself I should be more obedient, as if I was a dog. My leash was held so tight that I couldn’t muster any words out even if I wanted to.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I soaked in every insult and only ever released apologies.
When I was in an abusive relationship, some days I flinched when he raised his hand or began to speak and other days I just sat there waiting for it. When my mom would ask about the bruises I would be surprised because I didn’t know my body was still reacting to it when my mind wasn’t.
When I was in an abusive relationship, tying nooses was a nightly thing and nothing to even be alarmed about, blood stained sheets were the norm, and suicide notes were just normal letters.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I took many different kinds of drugs throughout the day and didn’t really know which combination would **** me. Would the coke, Xanax, and alcohol **** me? Or would it be the alcohol, ******, and oxy?
When I was in an abusive relationship, all concern for myself vanished. As my addictions to many different pills such as Xanax, ******, Hydro, Oxy and many more grew, I started to smile again.
When I was in an abusive relationship, being asked how many drugs I was on was not rude or unexpected.
When I was in an abusive relationship, leaving permanently just didn’t seem like an option.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I had unconditional love for my attacker and always made sure he was okay even after he hit me.
When I was in an abusive relationship, one day, I had a revelation and found my voice.
Now, I am no longer in an abusive relationship.

I once fell in love with a boy who smelled of stale cigarettes, liquor, and burning desperation.
The first secret he ever revealed to me was that all he knew was being alone and running from everything in this world. At the time, I told him I’d be his rest stop and didn’t realize that he’d eventually have to start running again.
I once fell in love with a boy who had suicidal tendencies and often never slept.
With tired eyes, he would tell me he just wanted it to stop and would cry to me for hours.
I once fell in love with a boy I'd do anything for regardless of the consequences.
I once fell in love with a boy who had no family.
Many days, he would call me in the middle of the night and tell me how much he cherished me and how much I made up for his lost family.
I once fell in love with a boy who was desperate for love, but couldn’t give it because he was at war with himself.
All his empty “I love you’s” were believable, but I wasn’t properly trained to fight his demons or to take down the walls he built up so high inside of himself. The weapons I tried to provide were too outdated and did nothing.
I once fell in love with a boy who hated his mother.
His hate for her was often reflected back onto me, and I spent many nights crying.
I once fell in love with a boy who would tell me the sweetest things, and be able to turn around and leave me black and blue.
I once fell in love with a boy who sold drugs.
I worried about his safety, but he very often assured me nothing would happen and would kiss me then thank me for caring.
I once fell in love with a boy who was terrified of being a failure and was driven by money.
Many days, I would go ignored or mistreated and he would apologize to me by buying me opulent gifts that didn’t really make up for the small heartbreaks I endured.
I once fell in love with a boy who did not care about me, and didn't even check to see if I was okay when my heart broke.
I once fell in love with a boy who knew he was destined to run away and break my heart.
The first secret he ever revealed to me was that all he knew was being alone and running from everything in this world.
At the time, I told him I’d be his rest stop and didn’t realize that he’d eventually have to start running again.
When he was finally strong enough to start running again, I wasn’t really prepared for it because in the months I'd spent with him, I'd grown selfish and wanted him by my side forever.
I thought he’d stop and rest forever because it's far easier to stop and do nothing, but I had forgotten who he was and forgot that I had been helping him train so he could run towards something better instead of running away from his past.
I once fell in love with a boy who ran off with the best parts of me.