I may not be your forever

But I will haunt your dreams
I will be the thing that you find yourself
Going back to in your thoughts
The thing you ****** up
The thing you forgot was the most important
The thing you couldn't prioritize over yourself

I may not be your soulmate

But my soul shines so brilliantly, your life will be dark without me
I will continue to burn brilliantly while you flicker out
The thing that you realize you cannot live without
The eternal flame that kept your house and heart warm

I may not be the answer to your questions

But I was the solution to your problems, the builder, the caretaker, the mother, the life giver.

And it would do you well to remember.

I'm exhausted

Like, getting out of bed is something I regret
Like, my bones literally hurt along the edges of all of my joints and my back is on fire
Like, going to work fills me with a dread I can't even explain

I'm tired

Like, I didn't ******* ask to do this life alone
Like, I never wanted this life to begin with
Like, I sometimes want to just throw in the towel

And I'm ******* sad

All the time, always
I can't catch a break, no matter how much I work
I get so sick of watching people treat others like absolute ****
I get so upset when all that spews from people is hatred

I'll **** this up.

I'll say the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong comment. I'll wear the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong silly face at exactly the wrong time.

I get annoying. The quirks aren't so fun when they're really my personality. The weird isn't so cute when it bursts out of the seams of my existence.

I'll inevitably **** you off. It's not that I'll try. It's that the brain to mouth filter needs replaced at best, is absolutely irreparably broken in truth. It's that social cues aren't my forte. It's that I see the world through a lens that it's hard for others to share.

And yet, I'll battle against the self doubt every day. And yet, I have hope that I'm wrong. And yet, I believe I can still be loved.

I am tornado
Hurricane
Cyclone
Spiraling out of control

I never stopped to consider the collateral damage.

I've made a good mess of my life.

Lost everyone that had just started to matter
By being me.

This is why I never leave my house.