“Do you remember this place?”, I ask as I sit down in the grass next to you.  You look over at me, the sunlight glinting off of your hair as a soft smile spreads on your face and kisses your eyes with warmth.

“I could never forget it,” you say.

   We both stare out across the pond, drinking in the setting sun in a silence that seems eternal and comforting.

“How long do we have?” I ask.

   You look over at me, smiling once again, but this time there is sadness in your eyes.  “Not long,” you say.

   I nod.

   I look over to the church, the light glowing off the whitewashed boards, and sigh.  Memories flash through my head.
Good memories.
Perfect memories.

   “Do you remember my vows?” I ask, looking over at you as you pick a flower out of the grass.  You nod, and smile.  “I stayed up half the night before our wedding, trying to find just the right words for that poem.  I had already picked out the frame and told the people that I wanted to put that picture of your parents with the poem up front. I wanted to make sure they were there, for you, even if they really couldn’t be. I thought I could just wing my vows.”

   You look at me, a single tear falling from your eye.

   “Once you were there in front of me, and the moment was there, I couldn’t think of a single thing to sum up what you truly meant to me.  So I said the only thing I could.  That you are everything to me.”

   You take my hand, softly squeezing as another tear falls.  “It’s time to go,” you say.

   I look at you one last time, and lean over and softly kiss your lips, taking in the life one last time that I always wanted.

   “Goodbye my love,” I whisper.

   Then you are gone, and the last ray of light dies away.

   You were everything to me. Everything.

I close the door,
but it swings right back.
The latch has been broken,
and shot full of cracks.

I try to fix it,
try to take it all back,
but then it opens on darkness,
and I’m consumed by the black.

I want to step through,
to see if it’s still the same,
because it beckons to me,
softly calling my name.

That’s when I slam it,
and try to hold the **** still,
as something tries to turn it,
and break through my will.

That’s when my fingers,
grow sweaty and numb,
and I can feel the pressure increasing,
and I start to succumb.

The **** starts to turn,
and I start to lose my grip,
and then I stop fighting,
and my fingers slip.

I step away,
as the latch softly clicks,
and the dark whisps escape,
growing feelers to lick.

Then I am lost,
and stepping through the door,
hoping that it won’t shut,
but not caring anymore.

I’m bathing in nothing,
and I feel the memories cut,
as somewhere off in the distance,
I hear a door slam shut.

Today was a bad day,
and tomorrow will be too.
Yesterday was tragic,
and I don’t know what to do.

Every time I try,
I slip further away,
and even though I’m standing,
I just want to lay down today.

Lay among the pebbles,
and simply forget everything.
Till I wither away to nothing,
and my body’s claimed by spring.

Actions have consequences,
so why shouldn’t mine as well?
Why shouldn’t I just give in,
and make my way to hell.

Everything I see,
is ruined by my touch,
till I’m left in the ashes,
and it simply is too much.

Too much hurt,
and too much pain,
causing both,
with so much shame.

I am always sorry,
in my head and in my heart.
Now my engine is broken,
and has simply blown apart.

What the **** has happened,
to the man I used to be?
Which voice do I listen to,
when it’s speaking to me.

I just want some peace,
and for all of this to go away.
So I guess I’ve given up,
and there’s nothing more to say.

Panting and moaning,
your breath in my ear.
Running my hands,
over fabric so sheer.
The touch of your skin,
so warm and smooth.
Exploring your curves.
and every groove.
You’re biting my lip,
while I pull your hair.
gasping and sweating,
but neither of us care.
Silky and soft,
my fingers explore.
You grind against me,
like waves in a shore.
Grabbing your hips,
you match my pace.
Kissing me deeply,
enjoying the taste.
Harder and harder,
both holding our breath.
The ****** finally comes,
as I’m deep in your depth.
You’re clawing and scratching,
your nails down my back,
and screaming my name,
begging me “please Jack”.
Now we’re breathing hard,
and you shudder under me.
Enjoying the moment,
of pure ecstasy.

I’m aware that I’m unstable,
In every sense and way,
that I bring nothing to the table,
so it’s not something you have to say.

Cause I wake up every morning,
in a paralytic state,
with cautionary warnings,
willing my emotions wait.

My therapist says things,
like “post traumatic stress”,
trying to unwind the strings,
that’s a tangled ******* mess.

Stop giving me labels,
while I’m paying out your dimes,
if you can’t fix what’s broken,
then don’t waste my ******* time.

So let’s say I’m dishonest,
and I haven’t told the truth.
Let’s say I’m being modest,
about all my self abuse.

I’m a ******* contradiction,
and I’m lying to myself.
Wishing for a benediction,
while I pull whiskey off the shelf.

I battle with depression,
but that doesn’t mean a thing,
and answering your questions,
doesn’t suddenly give it wings.

You need to let me be,
and let me tell you why,
because there’s someone else inside me,
and he wants to watch me die.

He’s the one that breaks,
everything you fix,
and he’s the one that takes,
and gives those strings a mix.

The devil lives inside me,
and he likes what he found,
and he’ll scream like a banshee,
till I’m six feet under ground.

I’m tired of the *******,
of the same ****** up routine.
I’m tired of saying this times different,
when it’s so obviously obscene.

I’m tired of the poison,
that I pour into myself.
I’m tired of the fear,
and becoming someone else.

I’m tired of the monotony,
of same **** different day.
I’m tired of not being truthful,
with every word I say.

I’m tired of not remembering,
what I did the night before.
I’m tired of acting like it’s ok,
that I should wake up on the floor.

I’m tired of the pain,
and the stress of it all.
I’m just so ******* tired,
of the black outs most of all.

How many years,
have I shaved away?
How many tears,
have I cried through the days?

This **** has to stop,
because it’s truly killing me.
I tried not to see that,
but now it’s plain for me to see.

I’m living to escape,
but the escape never comes.
It just gets ever shameful,
when I realize what I’ve done.

So today I’ll make the choice,
that I dreaded all these years.
I’ve broken something inside,
and lost myself among the fear.

I’ve finally realized,
so I’ll finally put it aside,
because what I have been doing,
is committing slow suicide.

So if you are reading this,
and you can somehow relate.
Turn away from Hells entrance,
before it becomes too late.

I wake up every morning,
and I just ignore the sounds,
of the absent ******* echos,
of a mind that’s gone to ground.
The motions are insanity,
that repeat and verberate,
beating voices through my head,
like ragged nails across a slate.
It used to drive me crazy,
now it’s simply just routine,
watching ghosts around me,
as they move through my daily scene.
There you’re making coffee,
and a laugh just filled the hall,
there you’re singing softly,
hanging pictures on the wall.
Then my mind shifts left,
into what I think is true,
but maybe I should lose myself,
and try to interact with you.
I know that’d make me crazy,
but let’s face it I am there.
I’m ignoring what I see,
but perhaps that isn’t fair.
Reality’s a concept,
and I don’t care if it’s not real.
I’d rather love the ghost of you,
than live a life that I can’t feel.
So tomorrow when I see you,
maybe you’ll smile for me,
and we can finally be happy,
at the cost of my sanity.