it's official
it has been
a month

a whole,
wild month
but still a month

a month of
countless words
and
hundreds of views

though the question is
what is the point of this?
i've been here a month
and i'm still not sure

do i write here
just so
i have an outlet?
to get these feelings out?

am i here
to seek acceptance
to find people who feel like me
or who appreciate my thoughts?

am i just here
to feel wanted and understood
to hear praise and
watch my views climb?

is this a way for me
to say things to people
that i don't have the courage to say
in real life?

or am i here to help
diffuse my anger
and dull the pointed edges
of my soul
and try to put together
the shattered parts of me
by accepting them myself?

she says
she's not a poet
but i find her poems
to have more meaning
more beauty, more heart
to them than mine
and the way
she uses her words
can change how a person is feeling
from sad to happy
just with a couple of phrases
knitted together

she says
she's not a good writer
but those early morning
last minute essays
of pure adrenaline and
half-awake thoughts
present ideas
in such a way
that it's impossible
to find them anything
but perfect

she says
she's not sure
what her future will bring
but i know her
she's smart
and she's
so wonderfully stubborn
that wherever she may end up
she will go farther
than anyone could have ever imagined
including me
i can't predict exactly where she'll be
in 4 months
or 4 years
but i know her path will go
down the most bountiful roads
and in the end
she'll be happy
and all will be worth it

she says
she's not grateful
but almost everything she does
she does for others
she loves her parents
and hurts when they hurt
she realizes what they do
for her, and wants to make them
the proudest parents on earth
she loves her friends
and tries to make them better

she says
she's a relationship whisperer
and i guess she's right
because with a few choice words
gentle nudges and an onslaught
of appreciated suggestions
she whispered us together

she says
that the dark spots on the sun
can bring shadow
to the most brilliant light
but not even
the dark of endless night
can dim her brightness
or hide her from those
who see her for who she is
who see her potential

she doubts herself
sometimes she thinks
she won't succeed,
always worried
that what she's done
isn't enough
or that there's too little time
to get everything done
but no matter the odds
no matter what she's up against
she pushes through
she persists, she fights
and she gets what she wants
or as close to what she wants
as is actually possible
sometimes she even achieves the impossible
and it's nothing if not admirable
showing me that anything is possible
proving to me that
"You could rattle the stars
You could do anything
If only you dared"
not by anything i've done
but by everything she's accomplished

she says
she's not beautiful
true, she's not a model
but that doesn't mean she's not perfect
but the way those eyes shine
like earth kissed by spring rain
promising life and happiness,
mirrored by her wide smile
though not often seen,
just one smile from her
is like a ray of sunshine
through grimy windows
bringing light into a place
that knew nothing but darkness,
warm enough to melt the walls
surrounding the coldest of hearts

somehow,
sometimes
she says she's ugly
possibly due to the scars
dotting her arms and her back
scars which started years ago
but on the contrary
i think they just enhance her
they make her more human
each one a reminder
that she's been through
countless things in her life
but instead of giving up
instead of giving in
she's come through,
a lump of carbon
forged by the fires
of her world
and the pressure of
her surroundings
the pressure of life
and came out
the most precious of diamonds
not the biggest
but the most wonderful of all
with small flecks of imperfections
that make it shine all the brighter

i say
she's often right,
but the subject
becomes herself
and she's far from the truth
she's absolutely wonderful
and in my eyes
perfect
a perfect person
and a perfect friend
the most beautiful woman on earth
mentally and physically
and there's nobody else
i'd rather love

all the power
of the greatest search engine
in the world
and i still can't find what i'm looking for

Showing results for the search will never end?

i'm searching for friends
but i can't seem to figure out what type to keep
i'm searching for confidence
it's not supported on my browser
i'm searching for happiness
but i just lost my connection

the search is useless if always fruitless

they say
that each person you know
knows a person
and if you travel those links
you have connections
to everyone
it takes
a maximum of six steps
six "friends of a friend"
to know anyone in the world
but that's not how
i want to know you
i don't want to be separated
i want to be by your side
but that's not how
things seem to be working out
you're so close
but so far away
and for that
i'm sorry

i miss you, it's true
i miss you, i do
i've tried hard not to
but it's all i can do

there's a yearning in my soul
it's aching for yours
but you're so far away
and i can't reach you

oh hope, how you twist the minds
of people, hiding reality through
a window with hastily shut blinds
ending with nothing but anger
nothing but pain coming from you,
nothing audible over this dismal clangor

where we try to succeed and yet
i know we will fail
everything causing me to fret,
pursuing her to no avail

love and loneliness have made you
stronger than you really should be
for even in the beginning i always knew
that this would never work for me

you helped me find love, to hold
onto something real, someone special
but right now i feel numb and cold

nothing can fill the place in my heart
where she fills me right now,
so why did you even find her a part
in my life, why is this a thing you'd allow
if you knew that each moment would be torture,
making me feel like i'm not enough to make
her feel like she's perfect, becoming the author
of my own suffering, my insecurity destined
to push her away, my attitude too dismal
and my mind too desolate, bested by
these circumstances that seem so abysmal.

i hate you, hope
because i'm afraid

because i fear you've given me the taste
of what i've longed for my entire life

and now you seem poised to take it away
to take her from my life because i'm not enough
and i'll never be able to see anyone but her,
as alone and solitary as before, if not more.

i woke up this morning
on the wrong side
of the bed
which is my fault
it's my fault i'm overworked
it's my fault i'm stressed
it's my fault i can't sleep
it's my fault it takes time
      to finish everything i have
it's my fault for everything
i can't stop
i can't slow down
i can't get upset
  when things are unfair
i can't  b  r  e  a  t  h  e
but worst of all
i'm seventeen
and i can't act my age
i'm told i am young
yet i cannot be young
so go ahead
keep saying you told me so
when you never did
keep blaming me for
all my faults
i won't be here much longer
to hear it

a vaccine
to protect you from something
so insignificant
so troublesome
so deadly
as the flu

something people don't think about
don't think to avoid or get away from
can come back to knock you out
for days and weeks

a tiny virus

small things can hurt
small things can be devastating
they come inside and they never leave
expanding, growing
until they take over

small, insignificant things
a virus
an insult
a name
a rule
a message

things people don't think about
could have devastating effects
if only there was a shot
that could protect against them all

i'm going to be honest
i don't know exactly
what it is i'm feeling

is it anger?
is it guilt?
is it grief?
is it remorse?
is it acceptance?

i don't know what i should do
it's better this way, i'm sure
but i don't want things to be this way

i hoped
and now i've learned
hope is a mistake

people don't change
i won't change
i'm still going to love you

my love
is just fine
but i still hurt you

it's not my fault
but yet it is
i made you fall for me
and gave you hope
when i knew there
was nothing we could be

i'm going to miss
the way we were
the dreams of what could come
but i'm grateful for the time we had
even though it was only some

it's better this way
i think
i hope
i pray that you're okay

i'm sorry i dragged you into this
i hope you forgive me one day

but even if we're only friends
i think i'll be okay

i love you for who you are
not how you make me feel
so maybe some distance isn't bad

and like i said
people don't change
i won't change
i'm still going to love you

let's see what happens

it's dark outside
kind of like
how i am
but inside

it's quiet outside
completely different
from how i am
but inside

you can't see it
but i'm crying out
for help

or maybe you do see it
but you don't care
enough to help

yes, there are
a few who do
try to help
but a small number
in the single digits
well, really
only one

but there are
a ton more
who think they
know what's best
making me do
what they want
and i'm done

i can't stop them
from making me
feel like ****,
no more than i
can get them
to listen

but i can stop them
from seeing they hurt me
and going on
with this life
until there's no one who
can listen

after too long
it becomes too easy
to put on this mask
like everything's okay

and it's been too long
that even those who
know you the best
think things are okay

i've been pushed too far
and i'm not sure
i can find my way back

not yet
not alone

yet that seems to be
what i have to be



alone

what is text
but simply
words on a screen
a combination of
lines and curves
to form words

making meaning out of nothing
that is what we do
we make language
out of these arcane symbols
and attach meanings to them
that aren't there

two people can read something
and interpret completely different things

you always say hello
and you say we're soulmates
but why does it feel like we've already said goodbye?

it comes and goes
no clear pattern
no clear reason
it's here one moment
then gone the next

there's so much
I want to say
but i don't know
how to say it
how to get it out

it's stuck within me
trapped, yearning
for an escape, a glimpse
of what the world might be like
if i knew what to do

but the thing is
i don't know what to do
nobody really knows
what they're supposed to do
what i'm supposed to do

here i sit
tapping out words
trying to focus my feelings
into something that
can be understood

understood
not just by
the people who
happen to see it
and make my numbers rise

but no
understood
by me
because i don't understand
myself

in my life
i've been creative
and changed who i am
to fit who i was
"supposed to be"

acted happy because
i was too young to be sad
acted amused when
it was the wrong time
to be depressed

acted strong
when it was stupid
to be weak
acted mature
when i was still just a kid

but now
i'm not creative enough
to write
or to act
and i don't know who to be

i know what i want
but is it what i want,
or is it only  
what i'm supposed to want?

how come
when it came to
pretending to be
someone else
it was so easy

but now
that i'm trying to discover
who i am
i cannot?
who am i?

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a place of learning is what it's supposed to be
you sit in a hall, with a professor giving a lecture
and then you go back to a room
where you're not supposed to be lonely.

it's supposed to be a place to be reborn,
to choose who you want to be and renew
yourself, to cut ties with who you were and
be who you want to be. not to be torn.

torn between two lives, two selves
one i want to be, one i want to forget
these selves who keep clashing within me
unable to quiet themselves.

will i learn to be the independent young man
who can be himself around others, brave
and strong, or will i be forever who i once was,
alone, following a restrictive plan?

i may not have changed, but i would like to
if only there was a course that i could take
how many credits would it be, to change me
into someone who's not constantly blue?

ironic, isn't it. the school colors are my personality
pantone 292, a shade of blue that doesn't fit
because it's not my school. pantone 2955 is more my color
dark, sad, and full of emotion, heavy with morality.

a failed assignment here, a missed lecture there
a slowly increasing workload, both real and imagined
a life of hard work and loneliness
leaving me truly unprepared

the problem with learning about people
is that it's one class you can't afford to fail.
because if you do, you fail at life itself.

i know what it is that i have to do
it sounds like such a simple thing
standing up against unfairness

rebelling against
those who don't  care to listen
those who don't care to understand
stand up for what you believe
stand up for what you want
fight for what you want

i'm surrounded by a climate
where it is said
staying silent means you are agreeing
you are submitting, and once you submit
you're stuck in submission

i'm surrounded by people
saying i need to fight
**** the consequences
just fight for what i want

i'm not sure if i'm just weak and afraid
or they just don't know what i'm dealing with
but how can someone tell you your voice matters
your opinions, your beliefs, are important and strong
then not listen to you and enforce their own onto you?
do they have a right, because without them, you'd be dead?

what will they do when i stand up?

it is said
man's greatest fear
is the fear of the unknown
i don't know what will happen
and i don't know if i'm brave enough
to find out

they aren't easy
and sometimes don't mean that
something is going away

sometimes it just means
something is just slightly
out of your reach

and it really *****
to see it there
just a hair's breadth away
and find yourself unable
to reach out and grab it

to reach out and grab her
to pull her into my arms
and tell her what i feel

no

i can no longer do that
i can no longer open your heart
i can no longer lay your soul bare

it hurts her too much
when my own blood won't accept her
no matter what i do

and it hurts
so much
to see her in pain
it hurts more than anything else
so maybe things are better?

maybe things are better for her?
i can't tell what's better for me
whatever i think is best seems to turn out wrong

so whatever happens
if she's okay
i'll be okay with it
and i'll always be here

yet again, it happened
a cry of frustration, a scream
then a somewhat satisfying smack
of skin on concrete
not enough to bleed
not enough to leave a bruise
but enough to hurt for days

not every mark is visible
not everyone can see
what is happening to me
what's going on in my mind

a place held under lock and key
easily hidden away
so i can make people stay
by making them blind.

but sometimes there comes a day
where i can't hold it inside,
for fear that something within me has died
and maybe it has

anything can be helpful
from a poem to a pencil,
the light of a star
to what caused a scar
you just have to look
to be creative
find a new outlook
be positive

it's not easy
i never said it was
but you have to try

a sea of opinions
an ocean of expectations
implied and clear
yet convoluted and hypocritical
pushing this way and that way
with no room for me

how do you know what they want?
how do you do what's expected
if you don't know what that is?

what happens when all they see
when they look upon you
is a disappointment?

how do you make them happy?

where do you go from here?

they say
what doesn't **** you
makes you
stronger
but how true is that?
changed, yes
but stronger?
not alone
but if we put aside our differences
and come together
we can make a change

together

we can show them
what needs to happen

together

we can support each other
learn to laugh again
smile again

together

what doesn't **** us
makes us stronger


together

Building Three
       Center stairwell
            A sanctuary of sorts
                   Allowing me to be free
                            to do as i please
                         with the one
                     whom i only
                 wish to please
             seconds drag
          into minutes
       into hours
moments in
  her arms
    feel like
       lifetimes
            stolen, forbidden
                 recklessly beautiful
                      moments in
                           Building Three
                               Center stairwell

home is supposed to be
the place
where you can be
yourself
not judged
not harassed
where you feel safe
where you feel happy
a place to share
thoughts and feelings
with those who
you care
and who care
for you

i think it's time i found one
and i think i know where it is
but i can't tell for sure
i hope i've learned
to enjoy it while i can
instead of doing
what i'm seem good at
******* up
the best moments
in my life
mistakenly waiting
for something better
something later

i've spent too long
waiting
and longing
i want my future
one i didn't think i had
until rather recently
thanks to the one
who has shown me
kindness and love
after all these years

a future
that now seems
palpable
possible.
i want to build it
create it
forge it
but i don't want to do it
alone

and now i don't have to

four years
basking in the light
of others just like me
if not better
so maybe someday
i might realize
i can shine
just as bright
as them

when you are worth
nothing more than a grade
to those
who should love you most
then what are you, really?

are you a man?
are you a boy?
are you a good son?
a good brother?
or just a number?
what are you, really?

what's the point
of trying hard
to please them all
because when you fail,
as you undoubtedly will,
then what are you, really?

a number, some letters
and expectations that grow
faster than the mind or the body
can hope to keep up with
lead to broken dreams
and without dreams,
then what are you, really?

just a rag doll, tossed from
person to person, clinging
desperately, hoping for a glimpse
of appreciation, of wanting, of
love and affection, because without that
then what are you, really?

they say
you must love yourself
before you love others
but when it seems
like nobody else loves you
it's quite impossible
to love yourself

because if they don't love you
then who could?

i tried
and tried
and tried again
but each time came back defeated

all we did
was scream
and scream
in a cycle that never ended

it's still not over
though all is silent
and we are rooms apart

but the relationship
we used to have
is one that did not start

i fought for you
my love, i did
but still have not succeeded

i stood my ground
did not back down
but still come back defeated

the unstoppable force
meets the immovable object
one of them has to fail

the one who's small
and somewhat weak
yet definitely not frail

they say they know
what's best for me
and i really don't agree

but it's my life
how can i know
the thing that's best for me


the more i try
the harder it gets
to gain a little ground

the more i fight
more words come out,
against my soul they pound

it seems there's nothing
i can do
to try and live my life

must i shut up
and be resigned
to live one full of strife?

some people
have it worse, i know
but i cannot go on

to go on following
orders which
from a hat are drawn

there is no sense
or logic found
behind their painful words

the only thing
i've got so far
is home amongst the nerds

what is the point
of fighting now
when so much i can lose

and how can i
decide that now
when i've never had to choose?

i tried
and tried
and tried again
but each time came back defeated

and now i've failed
and can't go on
i'm sorry, i am beaten

as i've said before
i'm kind of weird
and ever since i met her
i've felt safe
to be weird around her

first i was highlighter
and she was my compass
and it went on like that
and it felt nice
being named by her

then one day
i let out a squeak
or more like the roar
of a small dinosaur
and it pleased her

it made her laugh,
it made her smile
and then came the name
i can never live down
her baby dino

i try and try
and no matter how hard
it doesn't go away
but though i pretend to hate it
it makes me smile

"I'm at least a big dino now"
i say with a pout
"i'm menacing and evil"
and she just shares
that wonderful laugh of hers

and despite everything
it brings back memories
of times that are past
and of her
and she always manages
to make me smile

so here's to you,
wonderful girl

RAWR

-your baby dino

someone
i need help
i cannot live this life anymore
but i don't want to die
this life of mine
it's not going to change
my life is a bad song on repeat
and i don't know what to do

you know that feeling
you get when
you don't belong?

you know that feeling
when you work hard
but it feels fake?

you know that feeling
when you look around
and think you're insignificant?

you know that feeling
when you feel like you
don't deserve any of it?

well
this feeling has a name

i thought a name would make it feel better
but
it just lets me add to the list
of problems i can't solve

dreams are sometimes very strange
and they're hell to interpret
few make any sense at all
and some are just not clear yet

some show you your deepest desires
while others reveal your deepest fear
some show the future
while others show what's dear

the thing about dreams
is you cannot chose
which ones you can remember
or if they took place
in february
or even late december

but some stay longer
than i ever wish
and plage me day and night
for some of them
reveal to me
the verity of my plight

they show my hopes
and what i want
then take it all away
for when i open up my eyes
i must begin my day

as the sun flies high
and the day goes on
i begin to realize
that my happiness lies
in hopes and dreams
that have still not become true

love is
a strange thing
you can love someone one way
and love someone else
a completely different one
yet it's still love

love is
a resilient thing
you can be hurt by someone
and be turned away
time after time
but still it's love

love is
a powerful thing
you can be helped by someone
without realizing they're helping you
and despite everything you've been through
they still love

love is love
it's not always obvious
but it's there, somewhere

je ne sais pas
ça que je dois faire
j'aime une fille
mais mes parents m'a dit
que je ne peut pas
et ça me fait mal

je la vois tous les jours,
et mon coeur
ne bat que pour elle

mais il y a des moments
quand je souhaite
que mon coeur arrête de battre

je t'aime
j'ai essayé de ne pas t'aimer
mais je ne peut pas m'arrêter
je t'aime
avec tout mon coeur
avec mon âme
avec tout ce que je suis

et peu importe
qui me dit que je ne peux pas
je t'aimerai toujours

je t'aime

it starts small
small enough to be kept hidden
locked away

then it grows
a n d   g r o w s
a  n  d    g  r  o  w  s

until it can no longer be hidden

that ceaseless presence
soft, simmering
then exploding
effortlessly pushing away everything

everyone

blocked by my mind,
words no longer flow
as easy as the clear tears
released from the soul
or the crimson ones
released from the pain

or at least
as easy as they used to
my feelings are somewhat dulled
tears don't come
neither do my urges

it's a strange limbo

i'm unsure what to feel, or what i am feeling

a while ago, i read a quote
it says:
"The child who is not embraced by the village
will burn it down to feel it's warmth"
it made me think
whether or not that child
is me
am i being unreasonable
am i making trouble
just because
i haven't felt the warmth
i've always craved?
am I really being good
or just seeking attention?
is that all my deeds are
when looked at
with an ice cold eye?
am i just being troublesome
to try to gain
some semblance of acceptance
from my own family?
are the things i do
things i want to do
or a way for me to just lash out
to be noticed or praised
for something?
am i trying to burn down
my relationship with my family
to feel the warmth
that was never there?

i was asked
if i am stuck on a desert island
would i try to escape?

i sat there, staring, unsure how to respond
would i want to escape?
on a desert island,
i could do what i want
i could be free of judgement
free of competition
free of constraints
free
but also alone

i stared for a few moments, musing quietly
unsure whether i should take this time
to open up, or to retreat further back into my shell
should i tell them that sometimes i feel better alone?

somehow i manage to drag the corners of my lip up,
giving them a smile and telling them
of course i'll find my way off

because that's what i'm supposed to say
because loneliness is not okay
but what if i still feel alone?

in economics
prices go up
easier than they go down

but i find
with emotions
it's quite the opposite

it's much easier
for everything to fall
to crash down into disrepair
and never be the same

13 years
different walls
different doors
still the same
my one job in life
do good in school
be a student

my one punishment
my only option
be a student
no more
no less
be the best student
live up to the shadows of those around you, before or after
don't fall behind
don't enjoy
just educate


well i'm sorry
i've learnt all the wrong things
thank you so much
for making me nothing more
than a grade on a paper

i did not know how she would make me feel,
the way she would intrude upon my heart.
i wish that i could make a simple deal
and make sure we are never torn apart.
i could not really figure out what part
this woman would be playing in my world,
the basic machinations of her art
making me fall before my plan unfurled.
i could not guess how i would want her curled
against me, falling into peaceful sleep,
thoughts drifting far as quickly as she hurled
herself into my dreams, so far, so deep.
she helps me deal with what has come before
and i will stay with her forevermore

she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close
like i can reach out
and feel her

but i don't need to reach
i do feel her

in my heart
in my mind
in my soul

she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close

i want to keep this feeling

i look at you
and suddenly
i'm overcome with the urge
to do something
to make your smile even brighter
to make you happier
to make your heart flutter
and your cheeks warm

i look at you,
and for a moment
i'm also
overcome with the ability
to not fear
what comes after

and i lean forward,
my lips pressing against you,
our fingers intertwining,
my eyes looking into yours
and i smile
for in this moment,
to me,
you matter
and nothing else

there are hills
and there are valleys
you can always tell
when you're down,
down in the valley
overshadowed by the
high walls
dotted with uncertainty
like weathered footholds
until finally you walk out
for each ballet has
an ending
but you're not truly free
when all you can think of
are the walls that stand
no longer
so without meaning to
you end up
right where you started
back in the valley
a vicious cycle
that never seems to end

you walk in
expecting a warm welcome
or something
moderately normal
but there it is
the wall
it can easily be removed
if they tried
but no
they ignore it
and expect you to climb over it
or they just
they throw you against it
over
and over
and then when you put one up
just once, when you really
had no choice
or just wanted to feel special
they try to tear it down
and shame you for it
they're always putting up walls
i can't tell what's worse
when they can easily remove it
but won't
or when they can't