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Katlyn Orthman Oct 2012
Heaving chest
Blood leaking from heaveans mouth
Scared shacky hands
A forienger to this strange land
Of shadowy plains
And rip shattering pain
Eyes so brave
No tears in the blue pools
Strong soul
Ready to escape
The cage your body holds about it
Whisper in the nights wind
Just be silent my love
Hold on to me
You'll be okay
And the bombs blast in the backround
Of his cries
As she, his love dies
With a note that she had carried through the
War feilds
My love ,
Hold your tears for another day
I am brave
I will not be scared when my
Light
Shines in my eyes
And my reaper takes me from this
Land
Of breathing
I will not be afraid to
Face what lies before me
I am strong my love
Be strong to
Fight for our will
Fight for me to
Always hold my love with you
As a token of grattitude
For all that you have done
And will do
And in my last breath.....
I love you
maria Jun 2019
Rocks in my apartment,
I don't clean.

You see, the fluffy pillows
host a party tonight,
seems like all my enemies
are invite.
There's blood in the floor, indeed.

Music captures the shaky windows,
curtains dancing in the backround,
tragedy hits the door
right from the shadows.

I don't want to be here.
Listening is painfull,
watching gets knives in my lungs,
the guests are laughing on me.
Anxiety says hi.

The house shouts "Welcome",
please,
I only need sadness for my art.
Sometimes sadness just knock the door out of nowhere and you just can't bagged it out or you don't want to, sometimes it's the same thing.

written on June 9, 2019
Emma S Dec 2013
You make me see
That I am only what I let myself be
What I let you see is only parts of me

You are the one nobody can feel
I am the one who is never real just more or less concealed
In this life we would be too unreal

You keep me awake
Even though I have never seen the way your head will shake
When you to tell me that I'm wrong...
Yet this is the place I feel like I belong

2.36 am
You keep my thoughts spinning around in my head
In the place where I lie
It's here
alone
In my bed

Music is still on in the backround
But my thoughts shut it out and turns it into something distant
I wish that...

I see fire by Ed Sheeran
Keep the music playing
I want to know
I need to know what other people are saying

2.40 am
Stop it
We can't ever be we
Drop it
Us can never be something we could see
**** it
There wont be a You And Me

2.47 am
Stop the music
Let me sleep
Stop the thoughts
Let me dream
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
im fading slowly
into the backround
of nothingless

no one will notice
untill its too late

they wont care untill
its been broadcasted
across the news

with the headline
local girl takes own life
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2012
Violins play in the backround
Of this black and white film
A love story
Boy meets girl
Girl falls in love
But this love is different
Than any high school
Love story
But it's just that
A story
Every one has an end
This one ended
With smeared mascara
And two halves
Of a heart
That used to be one
Just feel like writing about love tonight <3
Lee Turpin Aug 2010
It hurts worst when I'm sitting in a cafe and a song I know comes on the radio. By insinct I turn to the chair next to me. I turn to your empty chair. Dismayed, I look around for someone to share it with. But nobody there knows the song. To them it's just the gray backround. And I drop my eyes wishing I could make it exist.

Or worst when I'm walking through an empty parking lot at midnight and yellow light is dripping out of the street lamps and washing all over the pavement. The sound of it is deafening. I can't hear it but I can feel it. The weight of it pulls my shoulders down towards my own starving black shadow and makes me think of how the white glow of your skin pulled me down into your arms and made my eyes shine.

Or worst when I'm on the street corner waiting to cross and the rain is pouring over the skyscrapers and down into the canyons of the city. Cars pass like phantoms floating through the fog, their headlights flashing on the wet pavement. The sound of harsh laughter and flooded gutters invaded by creaking busses reaches me as if from the past, and for a second I can hear your voice, humming a song about the rain. And I cross, begging out loud underneath the roar of raindrops for the cars to hit me.

These are the lonliest days and the longest nights. These are the moments when I can feel my lungs caving in every time I exhale. The seconds where a tiny black line dancing to the pulse of time is the only movement in my cold apartment, replacing the warm rise and fall of your chest.

night is coming and I'm sitting at my window watching the sunset die and I don't want to give up  I don't want to and it's getting dark again
Mimmi Jan 2021
No one saw my pain
Even when I had no idea how to smile
I was literally dying inside
And at the closest call of ending it

No one saw my pain
I was sort of always in the backround
It sounds like a clyche but it was my reality

Everybody saw a door as a door
I saw a gate with steel bars and no password to get inside
They saw new people as an opportunite
I saw them as kings and queens, as higher royalty than me
I could never reach their level of "hey be my friend"
Why were they so scary
Why was I so afraid
I have no answer
It was just constant hell and me seeking for help without asking

I am not a happy pearl
I am not a bursting sea
I don't know when to turn back and wave for help
I always felt so trapped, there was just no place for me
Of all the steps I took, there was no shoes to be filling the path I made in the snow
Not a single one followed me, for my secrets are meant to be kept?

If they had just looked a little closer, way past the camera lense
They would have seen my scar, and my bleeding hand
They were always so happy and cheerful as they could be,
As I was laying on the ground thinking about what could be

How are they so carefree, when I plan every step and move I make
To not be in the way, but also be seen
I tried so hard playing that part, but with no confidence

They were all so cheerful
I just didn't understand
How can I be in the same room
But not understanding what is there

I just kept hiding those flaws they never saw
I didn't dare to eat the dinner that we cooked
I stayed far away and went around as a busboy the whole day

I think I could have been more
Maybe just a little more off the side
Not right in the middle but like a quarter of enough

I kept it a secret as long as I could
But I had to give an answer and to the emergency we went
I was hiding
I was venting
I was in pain
I am in pain
Will I always feel this pain inside
This was years ago,  you would think memories would go
But not mine no, they stay hidden until they pop up and i'm right back there again.
This is a poem like story telling of a trip I did with my choir some years ago. My mental state was B A D but what was more frustrating was the people who was there, who were supposed to be my friends knew nothing, they saw nothing and so alone I was and felt.
Chocolate in paper cups
Early mornings having maths
Long bus drives that never end
Letters I've written but not send

Cinemas next to the port
A falling star that we lost
Photos of us with the sea backround
The waves we reach with no sound

We live in a society oathed to distruct
Too many scratches in a tiny box of love
My mind is racing back and forth
Am I the one, the same I was a moment before?

Sweet shops like the sixties
Nebulae that this magic kisses
You're already too far away
Memories that I'm afraid to make

We are people destined to forget
Too many black holes into which we step
My mind is lost in bright fallen leaves
The rain will turn into light summer breeze
For G.
The Dedpoet Nov 2015
When summer came in 98'
And the eyes of the momentary
Eternal swam into the Canyon Lake,
It was then the sway of skin
Took me to the place hungry eyes
And kids seeking stimulation went
To cool themselves off.

Under sky bright
I saw her with hips of light,
A second beer and I was grown
Into a man worthy of any woman.
No adults with experience
To guide my ill advised tactic.

A smack on the ***.

At first she turned in complete anger,
Her curves had stiffened her body,
Combat mode and my buddies
Giggling in the backround.
I saw her beautifully frightful hand,
Her slap before we met eyes,
It was mighty and meaningful,
But when I turned from the wallop
To my face,
We met eyes once again,
The most timid of smiles
And a soft apology from me.
She smiled and slapped me once agin,
It was then I knew....
It was then I knew.
Miley Cyrus Jul 2015
...Opens up pacsun
last time I OPENED this up...man
...
i was drooling to have every single item on the page...
...I remember as greed and envy would sweep over my face
...I remember wanting the clothes to be seen
...I hear Aunty Toopee saying live a little in the backround...
live......a little
...and hurt myself while i'm at it....
....
maybe she really meant stop the worry and go run in the sun....
....maybe this lesson is...
letting go....letting life flow
....
maybe i closed my heart and only left my mind open to fashion...
open to absorb what everyone else is saying...
what everyone else is passionate about
...i don't think there was anytime in my life where i ever expressed myself through fashion...
honestly....
...fashion to me has been very compulsive...
its trendy and it's scary...
its everyone else but myself...
...i completely ran away from the fabric....
because so much has happened because of it....
now my Moms telling me im gross because i wear the same flannel...
Mom i'm sorry but im just comftorable..
and maybe that's bad...
that i go into a store and feel uncontrolled once I break the glass...
...and maybe i was meant to taste glass everytime I walked into a store
or opened up a magazine
or walked into a building of girls all carrying a louis tote....as your mama begged to get you a Michael Kors...
...and I said no
...clothes hurt
because it is the part of you where everyone sees...
....scariest part is not really what they see
its you....
Got Guanxi Apr 2015
Let me be the first to say,
I'm not sorry for the words I said.
They may of been said in haste,
and put you in your place.
Enjoy the taste, of your own medicine.

Bittersweet quitter,
I could eat you for dinner.
There could only be one winner,
and I can't see you celebrating a victory today.

Take me away to the place where we doubled down,
your humbled frown,
in your dressing gown.
No one else around,
the screams in the backround,
no one will backdown,
at least for now.

I'm still not sorry,
Sorry.
Liam Kleinberg Apr 2015
I had only tasted wine twice in my life
once it was from the bottle, stolen from my fathers fridge
it tasted like bitterness sliding down my throat
it tasted like unhappiness bottled up
stupid stupid stupid boy
i was as sweet as a candied grain of salt
who told me i was special?
a vulture sat on my bony shoulder
it's claws dug into pale flesh
i sat happily
singing
always singing
it leaned over and whispered things that made me crack a smile
we sat on the edge of the couch with blood between our legs and blisters in the shape of hand prints where he touched us
i was happy to have a piece of cloth wrapped around my mouth

the second time i tasted wine
it was the flavor of her sugar coated lips
i could smell it
i could taste it
i didn't care
she told me it was backround music to the taste of her
like it was always lingering
i was drunk off the way my heart thunked
it sent a beat of nervousness throughout my ribcage
she slid her bony fingers under the back of my shirt and told me it was supposed to be this way
she whispered that love was supposed to feel this way
i nodded and went pliant
i thought love was supposed to be like that



i ******* hate the taste of wine
i was thinking about wine and bad events
AJ Jun 2015
It's not my worst nightmare,
But it is high up on the list.
Maybe the fifth?

And it's running in circles,
And you're running around,
Shouting about how
We're both dying alone,
But together.
And how that's not the same
As dying alone,
Or dying together with someone.

I go inside,
But we're out of the good liquor,
And I'm not drinking the ******* Fireball.
Some Steve Carell movie is playing in the backround.
Tim and Sam are ******* on the couch,
As usual.

And I'm just alone.
You're all moving around me,
And you live your own miserable lives.
And I've outgrown you.
Diego pina Jun 2013
Would u consider yourself dead, before your born?
Appreciate silence, for it births sound, and when sound dies silence is still there.
Its a strange thing, life. An instant. A single moment consisting of multiple conscious states.
It vanished but it was once.
Legacies are similiar to sound, the stronger they are the farther they are heard. But eventually the backround silence will be 'unheard' but listened to.
JN Masolas Jun 2014
Baby girl
With the smile like silver
And eyes like gold
Sprouting up
Wild as a ****
But that’s just how you are
Little one
With a personality all to big
For your
Five foot
Three inch body
With a life stuck on fast forward
Grown before my eyes
Those same eyes that led me to believe that you were happy
You lived through the worst
But
Nothing
No one
Could save you
Everyone always told you that
Fallacious
Rhyme about
Sticks
And Stones
But I know broken bones
Would’ve hurt you less
So everyday
Your severed heart strings
Bled away
The sorrows
So that maybe
Just maybe
You could learn not to care
And even now I wish
Only that you could see
Because my definition of beauty
Starts with you
And if you don’t see anything beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Believe me honey
You are not just backround noise
Marching to someone else’s drum
Baby girl
With a smile like silver
And eyes like gold
Let me build a cast around your open wounds
And be the first to say
They were wrong
unknown Oct 2014
On some real **** ***** ******* you talk real but you not true this is our world its just us two but you down me like gravity.is it because i dont sag
my pants or i dont act tough,well thats me and you know me and i know you dont front dog because if you do dont run to me dont come to me dont look to me
if they jail you.sometimes i think was we ever meant to be cool because you put on acts for audiances while im in the backround fixing screws,but that same
***** thats fixing screws his job is to watch out for you but while the show of life is going on you cant talk and the handy man will ruin you,but thats not
the case he just lookin out because did it ever occur to you that your standing in a bad spot where the curtains will close on you,but as you look up its to
late and the fate of your life has glued you your audiance will not care its only one boy that can save you,but as that boy becomes a man and he looks into his hands
he knows that if he saves you,he'll have to do it again so the curtain closes and your down the handy man comes around he tugs you and he pulls you,but to you he
talks and never makes a sound.only time will tell whether or not he will realise that the audiance was never there for him in the first place and that the curtain
that fell on him is just a curtain that he can move with ease or whether he can Just take his feet from the glued down ***** blooded sneakers and find new clean sneakers to stand up and walk in ,and that the whole time your friend the handy man was always there in looking out for when you will need him most.

by a young person who knew to much for his own good
only some will relate,most will not get it.
Pretty girl Aug 2017
We had candy hearts and you were walking poetry
we spoke the language of eyes I see humans but no Humanity
Rainbows are gray to black and white in between
shoes are on the other foot but fitting it can't be
TV for sir television and televisions show images but the images are figmants of a mad mans imagination
His name is God
That's what we call him at least
we're his ****** up creation
I am backround not backbone
Actors are cast in my own dreams to play me because i was not perfect enough to play myself
Now children... When i say the language of eyes i mean instead of lips we met minds because of our thoughts curiosity
Our tongues did not lock but instead they flow freely
"The man" wanted us stuck not in control so he gave us color protectors but i like using crayons cause they're messy
The Dedpoet May 2017
Im a loner
Thinking about the bigger picture
Knowing i am a backround pixel,
High definition of my sorrow
Displayed in the domain
Of the public eyes
For all to see me on my naked
Cross and filter the words of my
Pains
Written on a bed of life,
A whisper in the echoes,
I word written for me
Since my life is unspoken
Yordi Jan 2019
I wait here
Softly in my mind
In this prison that doesn’t have a time
Your voice in the backround stuck in rewind
Will I ever be set free from your curse
Feelings
Jonas Mar 2023
Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.
I am just a nobody.
An absentee on a list never made.
A shell of goodbyes and forgotten names
I dont even speak loud enough to hear
Nor do I leave a memory to be worth
Just here nor there
Maybe in the backround of some photos
But nowhere specific nor important
You will not like me
Because you will probably not notice me
And if on the off chance you do see me
It will be too late
Im just super excited for kingdom hearts 3 to come out lets be real here
n Dec 2020
an old jukebox rest in the center of the frame

the setting: a dive bar some time in the recent past.
wood panels, shades of browns and greens backlit with the ambiance of neon lights.

a forgettable song plays faintly in the backround.

camera pans left and focuses on a bathroom door.
it swings open and hangs slightly slanted.

[enter hero]

hero: "i've never learned a lesson in my entire life"

hero lights cigarette. music stops and the audience falls back to sleep.
Delton Peele Dec 2021
Standing
.......
in
Remembrance.
.......
View through the pain .
.......
Crystalize before me....
Only just the corners......
Fine intricately
Twined......
Leaving a perfect
Obround
For those looking in ...
Very much like a
Rockwell
Thomas kincaid
Mixture
In a rustic frame.
Flocked with hodgepodge
......
As I picture me
Outside  
......
viewing
Me through the window pain
..........
I'm imaging
Upstairs
Looking intently from the inside.
At
Winter scape and trying to ..
See
If the one outside .
Can detect the pain I feel .
I'm nervous
Cause the screen is so beautifull
I don't want to ruin it ...
I'm standing back aways behind me outside  in view of all this
And the looks on my face .
Not good ...
So I try to get my attentions
Being comical
To lift the spirit
......
I'm watching and smile starts to unfurl
Until
.......
Duuun
Dahh

Duuuuuu.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off on younger
I see the older
Pretend to be
Mature me. ..
On horse carriage
In a civil war
Uniform .  
Hair greased over ...
Black ish
Brown
handle bar mustache
Kinda like
Kurt Russell
From tombstone
.
Tell em
"What's coming.
.............
AND HE'S
BRINGING
HELL WITHEM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
HYAAAAA.
In the backround
Up in the sky..
That old familiar twang of  
Cashs'
Guitar
Echoing through the canyons
And it's
Me
I fill the
Whole sky
I m singing with Johny
Man
Yah
And
I think I'm chrome plated .......GHOST ......
RIDERS
...
...
ON THE STORM
Now I'm
With
Morrison ..
DAM .....
the dam
Cracked an the water began to flow   .
The perfect storm .....
And the water breaches
And it's quickly over taking
The valley down below ...
And the little cottage I stood
Glassy eyed
Gazing it the window .
Is gone
Along with all my splinter
Cell
Me's
All but one

Then
He died from grief ...
And the me
Singing in the sky
Sobbed
And wept uncontrollably.
For years . .
Ohhhhh
Who could console me?
Finally ....
I lifted my eyes
And
Finally ...
The world saw the raw real me....
And
I was understood ..
Wow
Glorious .
We all cryed tears of liberation and joy  
For me....
Melon Holly ....
Then someone in a boat started birchen.sayen
He's the reason the whole Earth's all flooded.
Had kina
Uh dirt farmer
From the grapes of rath .
Sort look to
Him ...
Tall .lanky ....
Then I heard a mumur
Turnt to a roar  
And now I'm back to regular size .
And the roaring crowd behind me screaming
Yah get him.
And it's the Spartans from the
300
Movie ...
Leonitis
Face is grimaced  
******
He's
****** .
Right on my heels .
I jumped off a clifffff
Ffffffff
Ffffff
For crying out loud
Can I ever just imagine something
Beautifull
Without all the extra
Dolly lama drama.
Man
.
Tell ya
I
Feel
Sorry for me


I can just picture
M.....e.....
S. ....t......
Not..
Gonna doit


As a myriad of ;;
Nope
Chapter One: The Awkward Encounter

It was September, 1972, and the fall semester had just started.  Tonight was the first day of class.  I should clarify that as evening instead of day because this was night school.  I was a student majoring in English and Philosophy at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia.

Only two weeks ago, I had moved into an old Victorian apartment building across the street from the University Field House at 54th St. and Woodland Avenue. Everything in Philadelphia is referenced as the intersection of two streets or thoroughfares.  Saint Joe’s was always referred to as being at 54th Street and City Line Avenue.  My apartment was a ramshackled old building in the middle of a black neighborhood.  I was the only white resident in the old three- story apartment building, and my apartment was on the second floor facing front. Every one of my new neighbors treated me great. There was a Baptist Church just to the left of my building and every morning at 8 they held services.  I never needed an alarm to get up in the morning because the singing and ***** music coming through the windows and walls were a reliable wake-up call.

I was working days in an Arco (Atlantic Refining) gas station about 15 miles away in North Hills Pennsylvania.  This station also rented U-Haul trucks, and my job was to pump gas and take care of the truck and trailer rentals as the owner of the station, Bob, was busy with mechanic work.  This worked well for me because between gas fill ups and truck rentals I got to sit in the office and finish my schoolwork.

Since moving back to Philadelphia from State College Pa., where I had been a student, all I brought with me was my most prized possession — a 1971 750 Honda.  I had customized it with café-racer accessories from Paul Dunstall because in those days you couldn’t buy a bike that looked like it belonged on a racetrack like you can today.  You had to build it.

I worked at the station five days a week (Mon – Fri) from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m.  Then I hopped on my bike and headed back to my apartment to quick shower and change and then walk across the street to campus and hopefully make my first class by 6:00 p.m. On days when I got stuck in traffic or couldn’t leave at exactly 5, I would go straight to class wearing my Arco jumper with the smell of high-octane gasoline going with me.

Tonight, I was sitting alone on the first floor of Villiger Hall which was where my third level Shakespeare course was supposed to be held.  It was almost 6, and I was still the only one in the room — but not for long.  All of a sudden, I heard a high-pitched voice giving orders: “Yes, Dad, this IS the room.  Just push me in and drop me off.”

And that’s exactly what happened. A kindly older gentleman in his late fifties or early sixties pushed his son into the room. I say pushed because his son was in a wheelchair, and he parked him right next to me.  This made me very uncomfortable, and I actually thought about getting up and moving to the other side of the room, but my mother had raised me better than that. The boy in the wheelchair was in a full body brace with a special neck harness to keep his head upright.
If I had been uncomfortable before, I was beyond that now.  We both sat there in silence as the big industrial clock on the front wall ticked 6:02.  It was then that a proctor rushed into the room and wrote on the blackboard in chalk: “THIS CLASS HAS BEEN MOVED TO THE BARBELIN BUILDING, ROOM 207.

Chapter Two: Time To Move

As soon as the proctor had finished writing on the board, I saw this as my chance to escape.  I grabbed my bookbag and started to bolt for the door.  I only got halfway to freedom when I heard the loudest and most commanding voice come out of the *******’s body … “All Right Moose, Let’s Move!

I couldn’t help but hear myself saying (to myself) … “The ******* Really Can Talk.”  I was surprised, blown away, and his voice had frozen me in place.

“All right Moose, let’s get this show on the road.  Do you know where the Barbelin Building is up on the hill?”  I told him I did, and he said … “Put your book bag on the back of the wheelchair so you can push me up the hill before we miss too much class.” Again, his voice had a commanding effect on my actions and in robot fashion I put my bag on the back of his chair, grabbed the two push handles, spun his chair to the right and headed out the door. I was careful not to touch him directly because I didn’t know if what he had was catchy.

As I headed to the stairway to go down the 6 steps leading to outside, I heard that voice again … “No, not that way, toward the elevator” as he pointed off to the left with an arm that was not much bigger than my fingers. “The elevator key is between my legs.  Reach in and get it and then put it in the key slot and we can take the elevator down.”

                      THE KEY WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS!

At this point, I was totally disoriented but had fallen under his spell.  I took a deep breath, reached between his legs, and found the key.  I then put it in the semi-circular keyhole and turned it to the right.  “Good, he said, it should come quickly, and we’ll be outta here.”

The problem is it didn’t come.  Seconds felt like minutes and minutes like hours as we waited for the elevator door to open. Finally, after an excruciatingly long time the elevator door opened and standing in front of us was the last thing I expected to see. It was another ******* in a wheelchair being pushed by a healthy student about my age.
As they tried to make their way out into the hall the ******* I was pushing said … “Don’t move!  Don’t let them out! And then he said … “I don’t know who you are or where you think you’re going, but this school’s only big enough for one ******* — and that’s me. For seven years I’ve been the resident ******* at St. Joe’s.  The next time I go to use this elevator and you have it *******, my big friend behind me is going to kick your measly friend’s ***.”

By now, I was in a kaleidoscope wrapped inside a time warp spinning at the speed of light. I had never been around anyone who seemingly had so little and acted so grand.

We made it up the hill that night in time to hear Professor Burke say … “Be prepared on Thursday (our next class) to talk about your favorite Shakespeare play and why.”

As I wheeled him toward his next class which also happened to be mine — we were both English majors —he reached out with a tiny hand and said: “My name’s Eddie, what’s yours.”


Chapter Three: So Different Yet So Alike

For the next fifteen months we were inseparable on Tuesday and Thursday’s nights.  We adjusted our Spring course selections to make sure we took the same classes.  Eddie was taking two courses each semester and I was taking four. It was a real struggle for him to take notes, but luckily, he had what many would call a photographic memory.

Many weekends he would visit me in my meager apartment, and we would listen to Van Morrison and the Hollies until the early hours of the morning. Eddie had two good friends named Steve and Ray who would drive him back and forth from my apartment.  My motorcycle wasn’t an option, although we fantasized about how we MIGHT be able to rig something up so he could ride on the back.  Eddie was a magnet and drew everyone into his circle.  He had defied the odds and not let the polio that he contracted at 4 dominate his life.  He slept in an iron lung because it was hard for him to breathe while lying down.

Eddie was bigger than life and bigger than ANY of the obstacles that tried to take him down.  Many times, I tried to imagine myself in his situation, but it was impossible. God had given Eddie a special power, and it allowed him to leverage the people and circumstances around him to make it through. I noticed early on that Eddie lived his life vicariously through the lives of others that he would have liked to have been.

Let’s say that my backround was at least colorful and unconventional.  I had been on my own since age 18 and had wandered the eastern half of America by motorcycle from Maine to Florida.  Eddie got to where he could tell my stories better than I could and when he did, I could tell he had actually lived them in his imagination.

Eddie and I had another connection.  We were both poets and loved to write.  He understood at a quantum level that to be a great writer you have to experience the words.  He had the remarkably wonderful ability to be able to do that through the actions of others. He also recreated the great stories of the famous authors we read.
  
Two weeks after meeting him I stopped thinking about him as a *******. Many times, it seemed like he had advantages and strengths that those who knew him could only envy.  The longer I knew him, the more I felt that way.

Chapter Four: The Invite

We had just returned to classes after a long Thanksgiving weekend when Eddie said: “My dad wants to talk to you.” My mind immediately wondered:  What’s wrong, have I done something I shouldn’t have.

At 10:05 p.m., when our last class ended and I wheeled Eddie down two flights of stairs, (this building had no elevator), his father also named Ed was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.  He had that big smile on his face that he always greeted me with as I handed the wheelchair over to him …

“Kurt, my wife and I are having a little party at our house the night before Christmas Eve, and we’d like you to come. All of Eddies friends will be there and you should be there too.  Please think about it, it would mean so much to my wife Margaret.”

I thanked Eddie’s father and told him I’d have to check the holiday schedule with my parents and then get back to him.  Being the oldest of 21 grandchildren, who were brought up in an enclave or compound of five adjoining houses, the holidays were always jammed packed with activities the week before Christmas.  Those activities though were not my main concern. I had nothing decent to wear.

My wardrobe consisted of 2 pairs of jeans and 4 t-shirts plus one pair of quilted long johns that I wore on the motorcycle when the temperature dropped below 40 degrees.  Add my brown leather WW2 surplus bomber jacket to the ensemble and that constituted my wardrobe … not very impressive for a 25-year-old man. In fact, staring into my closet that night, it brought home to me in a way it hadn’t before that my life was about to change.

I had recently decided to take a sales job with a local company that specialized in selling home furnishings to local department stores and general merchandise retailers.  This would be a major departure for me, but the salary would be four times what I was making at the gas station.  I hadn’t told anyone about this because inside I felt like I was selling out.  The company had advanced me $250.00 — a large amount in 1973 —to buy suits before I showed up for my first day of work on January 3rd.

I still didn’t have a car but that was another perk of the new job. They would be leasing me one after my period of orientation was over in early February.  But now, back to my quandary about Eddie’s party.


Chapter 5: E.J. Korvettes

Brightly lit with fluorescent lighting, the store seemed enormous as I walked from aisle to aisle.  I wasn’t shopping for suits. I was trying to find something suitable to go to a holiday party and meet people I had never met before.  As I got to the end of the aisle, I looked into the mirror that marked the end of the men’s department and took stock at what I was seeing.

My hair was shoulder length, and my beard was at least 4 inches long.  I had told my new employer that I would cut my hair and trim my beard before starting in January but hadn’t done it yet. In all honesty, I was still having second thoughts about making such a drastic lifestyle change, and I would wait until the last minute to radically change my appearance.

I stared into the racks of men’s sportswear until I found what I thought might work for me.  It was a beige, fisherman’s knit sweater in size large.  The sweater looked great, but the price did not.  It was marked $10.00, and unlike many of the garments surrounding it — it was not on sale.

I had $24.00 to my name that night, and $10.00 would mean I would be eating oatmeal and peanut butter until my next pay at the gas station.  I walked around for at least a half-hour until someone came over the loudspeaker saying that in 15 minutes the store would be closing.  I started to walk out but something dragged me back.  I put the sweater under my arm and headed for the register. I had made up my mind not to use any of the advance money from the new company until any doubts I had about taking the job were dispelled.
The next night at class I told Eddie and his dad that I’d be happy to join them on December 23rd.


Chapter 6:  December, 23rd

It was 6:45 on Sunday, December 23rd, when I arrived in front of Eddie’s brick row house in what is known in Philadelphia as the Great Northeast.  Every house on the block looked alike but the front door to Eddie’s was open with just the glass storm door closed.  I could see the house looked packed from the outside.

I didn’t stop but decided to go around the block.  I had one more problem to solve — what do I do with the motorcycle?  I knew Eddie’s dad knew I had a motorcycle, but I wasn’t sure about his mother.  Some people had bad impressions of motorcycles — and their riders — in the 1970’s, and I terribly wanted to make a good impression.

As I circled the block, I found an empty spot on the street about 5 houses away from Eddie’s house.  I parked the bike and hid my helmet inside the hedge that was separating the street from the sidewalk. I tried to flatten my hair, took off my bomber jacket and walked to the front door.  I never made it …

Before I could even get to the front door, a petite, silver haired woman dressed in red and blue rushed out on her front walk, put both of her arms around my waist, squeezed tightly, and said … “Oh Kurt, we are so glad you’re here!”

I’ve been greeted and hugged many times in my life, but nothing has ever come close to the hug I got that night from a stranger.  By the time she walked me through the front door we were strangers no more.

Eddie’s immediate and extended family were as warm and inviting as both he and his father had been.  I felt immediately welcome, and the night passed quickly as I met one family member after the next.
At 10:30 Eddie said, “Let’s go downstairs and listen to some music and we can talk.” I picked Eddie up off the sofa he was laying on and carried him down the 13 stairs into a finished basement.  You knew right away this was Eddie’s domain.  His stereo was against the stairs and pictures of the local Philadelphia sports teams were up on the walls.  

It was good to see him at home in his own element. That night we talked about the, once again, lousy year the Eagles had had (going 2-11-1) and the state of the war in Vietnam.  This was standard stuff for young men in their twenties.

At 11:20 I heard the basement door open at the top of the stairs and saw a girl with two legs covered in white stockings come down only 5 steps, sit down, and look over at us. I could tell immediately from the look on her face — she was not impressed.  She then got back up, headed into the kitchen, and closed the basement door.

“Oh, don’t mind her.  That’s just my sister Kathryn. She works the 3-11 shift at Nazareth Hospital. She just wanted to see who this guy is that she’s heard so much about.”

“I don’t think she was very impressed by the look on her face,” I said back.  “Oh, don’t let that bother you, you know how girls are — she’s just my sister.”

She may have been just his sister, but she was now inside my head, and I couldn’t get her out.


Chapter 7: Force Majeure

“My God, what is all that racket upstairs?  It’s a woman’s voice, do you think she needs help?”

“No, that’s just Kathryn screaming at her boyfriend over the phone.  They haven’t been getting along lately, and this has become a regular occurrence.”

There are watershed moments in life, and I knew this was one of them.  “I better go check,” I said. “You’re out of coke anyway.”  Without waiting for an answer, or tacit permission, I grabbed his empty glass and headed up the stairs two at a time. I opened the basement door and stepped into the kitchen just in time to hear … “Ok then, we’re OFF for New Year’s Eve.”

Kathryn’s mother looked at me and with a twinkle in her eye gave me the ‘Irish Wink.’  Having an Irish grandmother, who had always been the love of my life, I knew what that wink meant, and a voice deep inside that I had no control over started to speak … “So, you don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve? What a shame!” She immediately glared back at me with venom in her eyes. “Well, as it happens, I don’t have one either. Why don’t you go out with me unless you’re afraid of a guy like me.”

I could see her mother standing behind her shaking her head up and down as if to say … “Ask her again.” “I’m not afraid of anything — especially a guy like you.”  “Good I said, then I’ll take that as a yes.”  Kathryn stood there by the phone with a look that was a combination of anger and intrigue.

“I don’t know. Where would we go, and I’m not going on the back of any motorcycle.”  “We can go wherever you like, and I promise it’ll be in a car.  I hear Zaberers in Atlantic City has a great New Year’s Eve party.” Kathryn was still silent as her mother Marge answered for her: “That sounds like fun, I know you’ll both have a great time."

At every point in my life when I needed saving, it was always a special woman who saved me — they didn’t come any more special than Marge Hudak.
As she walked me to the front door that night, she hugged me again as she said … “Next time, just park your motorcycle in front of the house and bring your helmet inside …

                                    How Did She Know


Chapter 8: The Aftermath

That New Year’s Eve would be the best night in my entire life.  We danced and talked, laughed and gazed, and I think in both of our hearts and minds — we knew.

I went on to take that new job because now I could see a clearer pathway to the future, and it included more than just me,
Sixty days later, on March 5th, I asked Kathryn to marry me, and she said, YES.  Six months after that we were married on September 22nd, and this year, 2024, we will celebrate 50 years together with our 2 children and 4 grandchildren.

We lost Eddie, and both of his parents, several years ago, but their memory lives on inside of us growing stronger with every passing day.

There’s no telling where my life would have gone had I ‘escaped’ out of that classroom that night and gotten away from the *******. Meeting Eddie confirmed what I think I already knew deep inside — that it is our own insecurities and fear that handicap us the most.
That night, Eddie offered to me more than just his friendship, his wit, his intellect, and his great strength of character. Meeting him turned into the greatest of all of life’s gifts …

                                        His Sister Kathryn
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Been a rough day but I made it through.
How was your day let's talk about you.
I'm just laying down watching youtube.
Listening to backround noise I'll keep it down because I don't want to be rude.
My day was just full of insecurities, talking to myself and backtracking all sorts of memories. I wasn't ready, but I have to be.
Attempting to swek out the best in me.
Let me start by pretending I'm alright.
Don't want to talk about it but I promise things will fine tonight.
So call me in a few. I've got some beer and I'm a relax too. Tell me about your day. Mines been rough but I'm okay. Days longer, nights slower. I'm thinking living closer.
Do you remember when life was easier?
Now having a day off is just a teaser. Chasing the good thoughts constantly. Daydreaming about somebody making me happy. What's the true definition of being happy?
I want opinions and theories. I promise I'll be just fine just need something or someone to call me. I pay for my bill every month and would like to use it. Rough day but once again I've still got the strength to pull my way through it.
Kurt Philip Behm Oct 2020
Backround information,
footnotes of the weak

Substantiating all excuse,
data incomplete

Reasoned explanation,
wishful thinking’s tool

For dilettante’s to build a stage
—to dance and play the fool

(New Hope Pennsylvania: September, 2020)

— The End —