I don't know how many times I have to say it, it's so close now

"You have to slow down, I'm worried about you"

That is the last thing I want to hear from you
You don't have the ******* right
I will die and be forgotten

You won't read this.

People understand that I'm "insecure"
People understand that I don't take complements well
People understand that if you ask me what my strengths are I will struggle to give you a response

But what people don't understand is the utter hatred and loathing I have for myself as a person

If it wouldn't dissapoint someone I would rather be dead in a heart beat
I hate the life that Ive had and the life I forsee for myself and I know that all of it is my fault
Everything is my fault.
I am a bad person, and some how in my making the lines between riteous and evil where blurred infinitely

There is nothing good about me and nothing of value and I itterly disgust myself
So when people yell at me or critize me I often come off as arrogant by my lack of defensiveness and or solution because I am already so vividly and fully aware of the piece of **** **** that I am

I think if people really got that I would make a lot more sense to them and I could get away with a lot more

Rocking has become a big part of my life now

If I sit still for two long my joints with lock up, and I will become brittle like the death that I am

But If I stay fluid and in motion
My stress will keep me awake

Im having a harder and harder time telling whats really happening to me and whats not
Sometimes at 4 in the morning, Ill drive through parts of town very fast

Because when it's so dark, and so quiet, and no one knows your gone
You have to run

I'm dying I can feel it
My body is decaying
I don't have the *** appeal I did at 15
I'm a ghost

And you're getting bored
Don't defebd yourself don't tell me you're not
Because you are

And after I'm dead you won't remember how you were getting tired of me
You won't remember trying to leave early
You'll remember our kisses and how I touched your face

But the truth is that im dying
And soon i will put myself out

But if somehow you should read this after the fact
Know that I loved you so much
I loved you more than anyone
More than the other lovers
More than my love of bone
I loved you like God
I always claimed to be an athiest
But darling you were divine intervention
And I thank the saints and the heavens
For giving you to me
If only for a while

Can It exist in this sense
How can the feeling of rope and stars be so wrong
There won't be unspeakable grief
Just nothing
I want to be forgotten
I will be forgotten

Pursuit to be fragile and small
Pursuit to break
Oh god these constant ******* tears are the only consistent truth that I hold

Because time after time, delusion and trance
clears
and what's left is the ******* reality that there is nothing here

God i hate this body
I hate my words
I hate my regrets
so many ******* regrets
can't stop bleeding
bleeding

"Can I still get into heaven if I **** myself?"