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Brooke P Jan 2021
If I never feel happy again.
If I get a case of the “**** its”
and follow that red glow all the way to my grave
(because it feels warm once in a while).
If I walk into a venue in my hometown
and smell the familiar scent of stale beer and regret.
If my mom passes away
suddenly or succumbing to the passage of time.

That I’ll never heal from how I was treated
and continue to treat myself the same over and over.
That I have to rely on jokes about my grandmother
to keep her memory alive
when she is not.

If I let myself down
again.
Shevaun Stonem Nov 2020
like a drug,
i just can't get enough
the side effects are
this numbness.
the pain of looking
your addiction in the eyes and
being reminded of how
you first died.
but there's no more
a reason to relapse,
no more season for sobriety:
so I stare at
my human addiction
in the eyes,
hoping he's also
the remedy.

shevaun stonem
a human drug
jon Nov 2020
I hate sleeping.
I stay up all night if I can.
I hate everything.
Because of a man,
Who hurt me,
Who touched me,
Who took away my
Childhood.
He showed up
In people you may know
On Facebook.
The other day
But the other day was months ago
Now its October, and I can barely remember saying hello.
On autopilot but completely distraught.
And I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm not close to sober but close to home.
Close to home.
I saw his picture and it hit close to home.
I was disgusted to see what I saw.
I saw he had more children.
I saw he had a wife.
I wanted to send him a message but
I didn't.
If I did;
I would tell him he took away my innocence, he took away something I can never get back, and I'm bleeding like I did back then.
My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
The debauchery of it all is he looked happy and that made me crumble.
That's why I fumble, mumble, also stumble into whatever.
That's why I'm scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
I can hear the decibels because I'm always on look out for the sound of his foot steps.
I can feel the footsteps vibrate the room.
I can feel my bed shaking when I'm trying to sleep.
PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder.
Trauma is the gateway drug. Trauma ***** up the way you love.
I need a break to figure out why I hurt.
I know this is one but there is more I need to unpack.
Unpack and track.
Unpack and get myself back.
I hope you know the pain you caused me
Emily Tucker Oct 2020
Being sober *****
Being high *****
But there’s some moments, very minuscule moments that hit the sweet spot
The good news is that these sweet spots reside in sobriety
The bad news is also the good news
But really where is the ******* balance?
Is there even a balance?
Is there a reality for me where I can find happiness in sobriety?
Because frankly, I want the best of both worlds.
And yeah, maybe I might be naïve...

Maybe one day I might find sobriety.
the last two messages you sent
i never even read
i no longer check to see if you've messaged me
since i deleted that thread
i finally had to give up
and see that the relationshit was dead
you made up this false version of me
based off of resentment and thoughts you never said
just know that i'm sorry
i know all of this is still ******* with your head
i feel i did the right thing
i learn to go with my gut now and i've yet to be misled
some days are so easy
while others hurt deeply and i can't shake the dread
a couple times you roped me in
i guess your intentions involved the ego needing to be fed
you're the one who pays in the end
cause i can live with myself and an empty bed
08.15.2020 - 19:36
for: jms

i am still not over it and that's okay
Hannah Sep 2020
The cold breeze
hits me, everytime
like never before
The darkness,
haunts me
the same way
my thoughts made me
an insomniac
The fog,
opened my eyes
nevertheless, I was blind
I have to remind myself
nature amazes me
On the shore of that same beach
I remember;
childhood traumas
misery
that time I wanted to vanish
and never be found again
But this time,
I didn’t cry
I didn’t shiver
I didn’t lose hope
I stood there
and accepted the truth
I merged my feet
with the cold water
I looked at the sky
So vivid, so blue
I knew it wasn’t always
the mediocrity of the universe
It was many things, at once
And I kept it to myself.
Z Sep 2020
Alone I walk an unpredictable trail,
Mind racing analyzing all the ways I fail.
Feeling that the surrounding reality stands still,
As if everything surrounding me attacks at their will,
Alone with nature’s vitality, separated by the emotions we feel.
Perceptions of life’s purpose is to endure the suffering,
Pain brings the opportunity of a lesson,
Student of life, searching for knowledge insatiably.
Empathy, gratitude, a positive attitude,
Clear cut path to humbling, a fractured ego,
Comfort is an illusion, primary emotions a placebo.
Obstacles on the trail... rivers, fallen trees and stones,
No one here to utter words capable of breaking bones.
Language more powerful than the Manhattan project,
Weaponized communication formulated without logic.
Living through our actions, dangerous words become silent,
Respected for our effort, Results of an ego no longer defiant.
Shrouded in chaos no absolute truth,
Awareness resides with a present mind.
Accepting of spaces magnificent design,
New moments present an opportunity to own.
Anxiety provoked mind crippled in fear,
Trust the process then your path will be clear.
Darkness sheds a light in the end,
Growth is in the shadows, humanities path to ascend.
Feedback is always appreciated.
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