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It’s that month again where everything’s frozen.
The earth, the air—it’s like time is broken.
I tell myself I just have to make it through one more January.
Then maybe I’ll be okay in the arms of February.
March will soon pass, carrying with it the Spring.
Perhaps the tears of April shall return my wings.
May will twist its roots through the damp earth.
Then June shall arrive and Summer will give birth
to the heat of July and a sky, cloudless blue.
I’ll be thinking of August, the month I first kissed you,
and remembering those years we spent together.
So long, yet so short, but somehow felt like forever.
Again it will be September, the month of your accident.
It was that same Fall, we found out I was pregnant.
Through October, I’ll build nothing but dread.
By the time November comes, I’ll be halfway dead.
December is preparation not for a beginning, but an end.
The cold Winters of January will return once again.
That was the month I lost you and our baby.
Time hasn’t healed me; every day feels like January.
But I promised myself I would make it through.
I must conquer each January. I must continue;
I am much unwell every January. I may not post for a while.
For sure, something will be posted on the 19th.

01.01.15
(It's weird writing the year...***)
© J.E. DuPont
And I decided to stop running and searching for where you might be
I catch my breath instead and hold on to my knees

Finally I see you from a distance
but when I try to run again
I lose my balance

There I was on the ground
making the loudest sound
Screaming your name with the volume to the extreme
hoping you would turn around
help me to wake up from this dream

I scream so loud
my throat became raw
my lungs grasp molecules of oxygen at rapid speed

Then I embraced the silence
because as I saw you walk away from me
I realized that even the loudest of my screams
did not even register
as a mere whisper

Try hard as I might to bellow
You can only give me your shadow
That's not a God, that's a sense of entitlement
A sugarcoated dishevelment in disguise
You don't have dreams, just infatuations
Turning hope into self-indulgent lies

I turned away from New York just to know you
Silver showered soldiers singing serene
I turned away from myself just to love you
But I don't think you know what love means

You're not alone, just afraid of isolation
Afraid no one will be better than me
I'm not that great, I say without hesitation
Someone will love you more, just wait and see

My opinion of you changes like the skyline
A star among the cascading dark
Baby, don't let yourself flame out
Before the rest of your fire starts
"What is left if you
don’t want to live inside the
skin that makes you sick?”
It's been forever since we've last talked
Longer since I've last seen you
I wonder if I remember your face
It doesn't take much for memories of us to come back
Sometimes I sit in silence remembering the best of our days
Sometimes I say I'm over you
But there is always something that brings me back to the way you made me feel
Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be an "us" again
Sometimes I don't think I will last another day without you
I guess you can say after all the up and downs that I still love you
Sometimes..wait no..I always want to be your knight in shining armor
Sometimes all good things must come to an end
Yeah..guess it everything has to come to and end.

The end..
I AM SO ANGRY
WITH YOU
AND WITH ME
AND IT FEELS ALMOST AS THOUGH
YOU LEFT YOUR HANDS
IN MY CHEST WHEN YOU
REACHED IN
TO STEAL MY HEART
AND NOW THEY'RE ACHING
TO BE FREED
AND I CAN FEEL THEM CLAWING
INSIDE OF ME
AND I CAN FEEL THEM
REACHING UP MY THROAT
SUFFOCATING ME
REMINDING ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE
THAT YOU WERE NEVER HERE
TO BEGIN WITH
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