there is beauty in innocent intelligence
where the elder sister disturb the younger sister through the window i of class
just so that they can go back earlier
through the changing times of the world
and the storm of wild emotions
it is warm to know that life as humans ages and eons ago, likely shared the same experiences and innocent amusing through the times and ages
we cant ever escape our emotion but rather should deal with it
one way or another
we will never know how
there is just so many ways to handle
all most likely already been explored or trialed
it might work or not
we will not know
through the world
beyond innocent laugher and simple joy
the darkness and terror eludes
how can we stay pure and not judge with such
or how can we be a terror but find pureness
life and human world
is a wildy conflicting place
how can we know for sure
what is what

i am alone and lonely in the world
given all has gone
and those around i cant speak to
nor understand
it hurts to see
and finally understand
that i am truely alone and lonely
at every night and day
where i cant confide in anyone
it is a one way conversation
with supposedly god
but the mind runs wild
and heart hurts
i understand that i must manage
to be alone and lonely
even though i am surrounded by people
but i cant speak with nor to
i cant confide in anyone
but god
it is just me
till i breathe my last breath
and beat my last rhythm
i know now
it is just the way it is

If happiness is a look,
It will be a smile on my child face
If happiness is a sound,
It will be the laughter of my child voice
If happiness is a feel,
It will be the touch of my child on me
If happiness is a taste,
It will be sharing bowl of food with my child
If happiness is a smell,
It will be the smell of my child smelly hair

My children's, A and N, you have saved me more then you will ever know.
I love you.


PS, same with the wife, with all the struggles and up and downs, we learn as we go.

My mind is in conflict
My mind is lost
I am losing sanity of choices
Not too sure what is ahead
And why do strange thoughts keep coming back.

In moments of clarity, it all looks fine and rational thinking it IS fine.

In moments of irrational and blurry imaginative state I am confuse and unsure.

I hope I can make the right ones.

Letting go of the hope felt good
I think I am getting better

But why oh why
Am I feeling empty and pain deep inside still

I am confuse and troubled
Logically that make sense
But emotionally it still hurts

Music help
Alcohol numbs
Will time heal ?

there is much pain in my heart
and sadness in my soul
punching my heart
to try to ease the pain
or maybe try stop it
from beating
ever again

i am sorry
its really painful
i am losing my sanity

So much pain every day
Not from work
But just being with the wrong person

How did I end up here
I blame no one but myself

Had to guts to end the relationship
Now I am stuck for life
Made and swore a vow
To never leave you
Till death do us part

I just hope
It is me that makes the first step
For you really did nothing wrong
And I am just not right for you

I have tried to right myself
And stay sane
Just too many thoughts in my mind
From doing so

So much pain I go through
Silently

May I get a swift and fast death
But let me pass in the field
A glory death in battle.

Take me home
I guess I am done here

No happiness with you
Surely not you.